I'm Not Assertive Enough

CyberDave

Before I start I know the problem here is my own lack of assertiveness. I find myself constantly being bossed around by older men in my life. My father started the ball rolling, with his constant emotional bullying, while I was growing up.

Now my father-in-law seems to operate in a similar way, if not as aggressive. He has little regard for my opinion, constantly contradicts me and will defend my kids if I try to scold them for being bold.

My boss is another man in a similar age bracket now to my father and father-in-law. It's his way or the highway and he has no interest in my opinion and micro-manages all of my work.

This is incredibly frustrating. I'm fed up of having these sort of relationships, as my perception is that no-one of them will respect me. It really gets me down.

I just don't have the capacity to stand up to any of these guys and give them a piece of my mind. My mindset is the problem, but I just don't know how I can change it. These people need to be put in their boxes and they might have some more respect for me.

Airyfairy12

Try counselling

happyday

Or try an assertiveness course. SHEP run then in Cork and probably others are run around the country. They are very useful. You will see that lots of people have this issue and it gives you a safe place to explore it and practice putting assertiveness techniques together.

Good luck OP.

CyberDave

happyday wrote: »

Or try an assertiveness course. SHEP run then in Cork and probably others are run around the country. They are very useful. You will see that lots of people have this issue and it gives you a safe place to explore it and practice putting assertiveness techniques together.

Good luck OP.

Thank you.

happyday

CyberDave wrote: »

Thank you.

I think they may be called "Effective Communication" now.

HildaOgdenx

There are courses, as has been mentioned and in the meantime you might find it helpful to do some reading on the topic. I don't have a recommendation for any specific book, but you might find something useful in the link below.

https://bookauthority.org/books/new-assertiveness-books

8kczg9v0swrydm

CyberDave wrote: »

Before I start I know the problem here is my own lack of assertiveness. I find myself constantly being bossed around by older men in my life. My father started the ball rolling, with his constant emotional bullying, while I was growing up.

Now my father-in-law seems to operate in a similar way, if not as aggressive. He has little regard for my opinion, constantly contradicts me and will defend my kids if I try to scold them for being bold.

My boss is another man in a similar age bracket now to my father and father-in-law. It's his way or the highway and he has no interest in my opinion and micro-manages all of my work.

This is incredibly frustrating. I'm fed up of having these sort of relationships, as my perception is that no-one of them will respect me. It really gets me down.

I just don't have the capacity to stand up to any of these guys and give them a piece of my mind. My mindset is the problem, but I just don't know how I can change it. These people need to be put in their boxes and they might have some more respect for me.

Hey man,

Sometimes I felt the same, mostly due to shyness or not really caring enough.

I think what you should aim for is 'polite but assertive'. Try to get your point across without making enemies. So might help to say, "Wouldn't it be a good idea to try x?", instead of "You are wrong. X is the only way to go about it". You will find that people are quite receptive to such comments. A little life hack I suppose.

Sometimes being heard is a pure exercise in willpower. You just have to force yourself to say something, especially if it is not popular, and let the chips fall where they may. It will get easier by dint of repetition.

I found the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" great for this stuff, with plenty of solid tips and examples. It's from the 1930s, but human nature does not change. Would highly recommend it.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

zoobizoo

CyberDave wrote: »

Before I start I know the problem here is my own lack of assertiveness.

Not necessarily - it may contribute but it's not all down to that.

It's mostly down to their behaviour.

Think of the people who do listen to you - I imagine that they don't act like these 2 guys. They are considerate and don't treat you with such disrespect.


You can't win with people like this really - they don't listen and probably won't listen regardless of how assertive you are.

And, in the case of your boss - if you were assertive, maybe he'd have pushed you out a long time ago. I work with someone similar - anybody who has disagreed with him no longer works for the company.

I have a Father in Law who thinks he's right all the time. I tell him that I disagree with him when I do and make sure that he knows what I think. But it doesn't change what he thinks. Why? Because he's stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone.

That's not to say that you shouldn't be more assertive and vocal.