Dumped in lockdown

Bythefire

For anybody going through a break up and living alone, what are you doing to get through it?

I still can't stop crying. I deleted his number, messages, emails, pictures but can't bring myself to block him on social media.

I have tried the usual things. I have been reading, exercising, eating better, phoning friends but 6 weeks later it's not getting any easier and I just want him back.

cmat

Yes, I know how you feel, completely shocked and angry. Living by yourself makes it worse because now you are by yourself looking at the four walls and thinking what the hell happened. It has happened for a reason and when I look back, thank Christ he did because red flags of his odd ball behaviour was going to be my future. Firstly, I promise you, it will ease but because of lock down you are on your own with your thoughts. Tell yourself like I did "enough is enough" I'm better than this. Delete social media as I felt huge relief of complete disconnecting from him. Can you meet up with a trusting and understanding friend for a walk, talking on phone for me wasn't any good. Put on your earphones and listen to your favourite dance music and put ur foot outside the door and force yourself and that's was saved me. I was ghosted last year. He said OK darling il see u Saturday and never heard from him again after a very happy relationship. Ur a fabulous person and but sitting by yourself will only prolong the pain. U will soon start mending and not thinking of them before u know it!

Bythefire

Haven't got near the anger stage. There were no red flags, it really was all good. It would have been easier if there we fought or one of us had bad traits. I have tried the positive attitude but it just makes me break down because its not real. I'm not ready to delete social media, it makes it too real.
I did meet 2 friends and they listened and talked and were as shocked as I was. They knew us really well. I will try the music tomorrow.

I'm sorry that happened you and am happy to hear you are doing well. Thank you for your kind words.

leggo

OP when you’ve been dumped in a relationship you were happy with, the red flag is that you’ve been dumped in a relationship you were happy with. I get what you’re going through where the sadness of what you’ve lost and plans you made is so overwhelming, and not wanting to let go, but the reality is that you’re likely memorialising a relationship that wasn’t what you thought it was and now you have to come to terms with that to move on. You’ll likely face some harsh revelations over the next few weeks, try your best not to resist these because resisting them stops you from letting go. Maybe your partner wasn’t perfect and could’ve been quite flawed, maybe they didn’t care about you as much as you thought, maybe there was stuff you did that wound them up and that made you poorly suited.

If I could give you one bit of advice for the time ahead from someone who’s been heartbroken a couple times before: commit fully to the recovery. See how awful you feel right now? Commit to getting rid of feeling like that and see nothing else as more important for the next while. So if that means you need counselling, or if you need to ask yourself some questions that make you uncomfortable, or if you have to accept some things that may be unpleasant or make some changes...see it all as worthwhile when the alternative is feeling how you feel right now. Holding onto what you thought this relationship was or the hope that they’ll come back will only keep you stuck where you are.

Another trick that works for all break-ups, which is difficult now, is to change your routine. Accept that your life with this person is now over and you need to start a new life, even if you have to fake it for a while, your emotions will catch-up. If you still do the same things you’ll just notice the gaps in your life where your ex isn’t and miss them. If you change it up then in time you’ll be in a new routine and it’ll seem weird for your ex to be there.

So take time now, make space to be sad and grieve the relationship, be kind to yourself, commit to the recovery, re-focus on what you want your life to be going forward and change your routine. It works, trust me.

Bythefire

Thanks leggo. I thought at this stage it would start to be easier.

I'll try the idea of committing to the recovery. I have thought about counselling but don't really know where to start right now. Maybe when restrictions change, I'm living in a remote part of the country and prefer the idea of speaking to someone in their company not through a screen. I am trying to change the routine but again that will be easier when the restrictions lift.

RamonD3

Yeah this has happened me also last week, completely out of the blue and I was in bits initially. So unexpected, since things had been really terrific prior to the lockdown. I'm on my own here which hasn't made it easier, and I'm hoping that the end of my remote working next week will bring enough distraction. I don't know if the surrealness of this period has exacerbated any of this either.

All I would say to you is to guard your heart and don't let anger or bitterness get in there. That's some great advice from Leggo. Ultimately it's a two way street, and if the other person isn't in the same place, it will do neither of you any good. Everything will look and feel different with the lens of time.

Bythefire

I'm so sorry to hear that RamonD3. I'm not back to work until August, I wish I had that distraction, I hope it helps you when you do return.

I' don't feel anger towards him, I think I'm still a bit shocked. I need to accept he didn't want me, its taking longer than I thought.

I hope things get better for you.

Make It Real

This is never a nice situation, Bythefire, but I think lockdown is making it much harder. (Which you're aware of, as you put it in the thread title).

I think anything you can do to get "out" and not be looking at the four walls here, is likely to help. So, the kind of stuff that other posters have mentioned, going out when you can, having calls, online stuff you could do?

The more other stuff - living! - you can ram into your life, the fuller and more enjoyable it'll be and that "other thing" will sneak in, cause pain and drag you down. The less you see it and think about it, the more quickly the desire for it and pain will go aware.

On the social media, if you feel you're not ready to break that connection fully right now, I think you shouldn't yet. Again, having awareness of it and that maybe its some kind of a crutch, which you need now and that's ok. But, I guarantee you will get over this and you won't need it in the future.

Hope this is of some help and wishing you the best.

newman10

Bythefire wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear that RamonD3. I'm not back to work until August, I wish I had that distraction, I hope it helps you when you do return.

I' don't feel anger towards him, I think I'm still a bit shocked. I need to accept he didn't want me, its taking longer than I thought.

I hope things get better for you.

Hi OP
I have just "celebrated" 15 months separated, like you I'm also not back to work until August but unlike you I was married 35 years
This is an exceptionally hard time to be on your own especially now with plenty of time for remorse and no physical contact between people, much harder than people will admit and there is no guilt in sadness but that will pass.
Set a little routine for yourself and make yourself do 1 thing a day, something small, before you know it will be easier
Be kind to yourself and take care

Bythefire

Thanks Make It Real. I can see being restricted does make it seem harder, there is too much time to think. It will be easier to travel a bit further from next week I will take advantage of that. Thank you for your post, your points really do help.

newman10 thank you too and I'm sorry to hear that happened you, cannot imagine how hard that must have been. I drove to the shop this morning, saw nothing but couples holding hands, looking happy. Luckily I'm so remote I could stop the car once I was a few minutes away and I really cried. That does help for a while. Thank you and I hope things continue to improve for you.

Dog day

Hi OP, not much further to add by way of advice except to say please delete him from all social media, it will only prolong the pain if you don’t.

I know it’s very hard now but it’s easy to romanticise what’s now in the past. It can be incredibly difficult to be blindsided by a breakup, when it feels out of the blue & you thought things were fine it can sometimes be even harder to digest than a more dramatic parting of ways.

Take it a day at a time. Continue to stay connected with good friends & as per the last lovely post, please be kind to yourself.

Bythefire

Thank you Dogday, I need to build myself upto that, I need more time. My friends have been brilliant but I don't want to keep banging on about it to them. They have their own thing going on.

Dog day

Bythefire wrote: »

Thank you Dogday, I need to build myself upto that, I need more time. My friends have been brilliant but I don't want to keep banging on about it to them. They have their own thing going on.

Good friends will be there for you, it’s only been 6 weeks, it’s still raw for you. Give it time, I promise it will get better.

stateofflux

Dog day wrote: »

Good friends will be there for you, it’s only been 6 weeks, it’s still raw for you. Give it time, I promise it will get better.

I agree with this. I really knew who my best friend was after a bad breakup when they said 'Ring me anytime day or night to talk about it, ill be there for you'.

Oh and it will get better, the pain and anxiety and memory loops will gradually wear off.

Bythefire

Thanks Stateofflox, I got through the weekend without contacting him, I really want to talk to him . If only it could get better sooner! Thank you.