I've never orgasmed

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm a female in early 30s, and as the title suggests, I've never orgasmed. I experience a lot of arousal and attraction so I'm sure this is a psychological thing. I am in therapy and trying to talk about it more, but I find it quite difficult to talk about.

My issue is more about if, how, and when, to bring this up with a guy when I start dating again. I've only had one steady relationship where I started faking orgasms from the get-go, as I was too insecure about this issue to try and talk about it. I really loved the sex with him, but I felt that it would ruin it, and that I would feel under pressure if I did tell him (as well as damaging his ego!).

I know this is going to be an issue again in my next relationship.

I'm hoping for opinions on if, how and when I should broach this subject with a new boyfriend. I'm hoping that a worthwhile guy would not be scared off by this (the only guy I've ever told didn't stick around for long).

At the same time orgasm is really not that important to me (particularly having never experienced it). What's more important is feeling connected to someone, cared for by someone, and having someone who is there for me and who I can have a laugh with and be comfortable with (I really want a partner and a family).

I am torn as to whether to continue faking with the next guy (this could be the easier option but would leave me with a niggling feeling of not being fully myself with him) or maybe telling him could help me feel more at ease with it and with him (if he doesn't run for the hills).

I was thinking maybe I'd just tell him at the start that orgasm with a partner is a rare occurrence for me, and ask him not to make my actual orgasm a focus (but pleasure, yes please!) and, over time, when I feel more comfortable with him, break it to him then that it doesn't happen for me at all (letting him know how difficult it is for me to say). Or do I just be upfront from the start? Or not tell him at all?

It's taken quite a bit of courage even to post about this. But according to stats in the UK, 1 in 10 women have never orgasmed, so I'm hoping I'll hear from someone in a similar boat. Or from guys who can let me know how they might react if a new partner tells them this. And how/when I might approach it, if I choose to.

Thanks to anyone who reads and responds - I know it was a lengthy post.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Can you orgasm when you masturbate? You say in your post you have never done so. If you dont know what works for you, i dot see how you can communicate this with your partner.

I agree that it is not the end all, and a thoughtful partner who cares about your pleasure is something to be sought.

However if it does become an issue in your relationships, have you done everything you can to resolve the issue, or are you putting your head in the sand? It does it not clear from you posts if you have explored this fully and sought medical advice etc.

It hasn't happened organically and perhaps you should seek professional advice at this stage. I know it may seem daunting broaching the subject, but medical professionals really have seen it all, and it not shock or embarrass them.

LegacyUser

OP here - thanks for your reply. I haven't sought medical advice, as I'm fairly sure it's not medical, as everything seems to be working fine otherwise. Admittedly it is probably a good idea to at least find out for sure and rule it out if so. I couldn't see myself talking to my regular GP about it - I wonder would a gynecologist be better?

I do masturbate, but have never orgasmed this way either. I enjoy it at the start, but just end up frustrated. I've been trying to explore/enjoy my body a bit more throughout the years, but also at times admittedly bury my head in the sand because of how frustrating it is.

I'm pretty sure it's psychological as I feel a lot of embarrassment over my body (which has been improving over the years with therapy). When the lockdown is over I hope to travel to a city where there are specific psychosexual therapists, as opposed to a general therapist.

I don't want this issue to prevent me actually having a partner, as I've been single most of my life, feel I have a lot to offer and don't want to be defined by my ability to orgasm.

Caranica

It breaks my heart to hear you've never orgasmed OP, we all fake it from time to time but all the time must be so difficult.

Have you ever considered sex toys? Learning how to pleasure yourself sometimes needs a helping hand. I highly recommend Lovehoney as a site to explore toys, they gave guides to everything and to help you find the right toys. Their social media posts also give helpful tips and information.

Some guys are more open to the introduction of toys within a relationship than others but don't rule it out.

LegacyUser

Caranica wrote: »

It breaks my heart to hear you've never orgasmed OP, we all fake it from time to time but all the time must be so difficult.

Have you ever considered sex toys? Learning how to pleasure yourself sometimes needs a helping hand. I highly recommend Lovehoney as a site to explore toys, they gave guides to everything and to help you find the right toys. Their social media posts also give helpful tips and information.

Some guys are more open to the introduction of toys within a relationship than others but don't rule it out.

Thanks Caranica.

I have a few toys that I use alone (a couple purchased from that site). I've paid for high quality female-directed porn. I've read erotica. I've lit candles, burned essential oils, taken lots of time to myself to relax and get comfy. Any time I get in any way close (alone or with others, and I've been close in both situations) my mind takes over and starts thinking ("is this it, is it going to happen?" or "how the hell do I just "let go" here?") and the moment is quickly ruined by these thoughts.

Myself and previous boyfriend also were very experimental and I definitely don't have hangups about sex itself, I'm very open-minded. And I would be looking for a partner who also is open-minded.

The longer it goes on, the more I have a hangup about it. I'm going to continue to explore it myself of course, but it would be nice to be able to also enjoy a relationship while continue to work on this issue myself.

So my issue here isn't about my inability to orgasm per se, but more in if/how/when I would communicate this to a boyfriend/prospective boyfriend....

LegacyUser

Hi Op!
I'm so pleased to read your post! I'm 30, female and have also never orgasmed. I know there are others like us out there but it's nice to actually hear from one! I wouldn't say I've no hang-ups about sex but the lack of orgasm definitely preceded the other issues.
I've only had one long term partner but about 50 sexual partners total. I've told most of them. To be honest I've never found it an issue. I'd say they fall into 3 main camps:

1. Don't care - Literally a non-issue. Sometime I think they actually fall into one of the other categories but just aren't obvious about it.
2. Don't believe me - I love sex and I'm very vocal so I think a lot of guys just think I do have orgasms but I'm just expecting something more. There was a time when I agreed with them but, no, I've definitely not had an orgasm.
3. See it as a challenge. These guys are either egotistical or genuinely mean well but they're convinced that they can make me orgasm, even though I can't myself.

Most guys are a mix of 1 and 3 to be honest. I've only had a handful of guys who were properly turned off when I told them but they were more turned off by the fact that they thought it was a quite intimate thing to tell someone and they weren't looking for a serious relationship. I've also held off on telling people but generally that causes more problems.

I could talk about this for hours but tl;dr: tell him. If you don't it will be awkward. You can't keep faking it forever. For me the biggest turn off is someone trying their hardest to make me come rather than just enjoying the moment like I am.

blue note

A few of the women I've had sex with told me that they practically never / never orgasm. It's a shame for them and if there's a way I could change that I'd be delighted to try it, but it wouldn't put me off as long as it didn't go with having no interest in sex.

It would bother me if someone faked it repeatedly though to be honest.

Purgative

It's taken quite a bit of courage even to post about this.

Well done you.

No great insights although I genuinely believe that honesty is the best policy and I would recommend this book that we found useful:

https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/0749929138/?coliid=IK07TDS8DIPNE&colid=1ZK19I0CYXVXL&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it

Only £3.59 for the kindle version.

All the very best.

StinkyMunkey

Start as you mean to go on, with the truth.

You have never orgasmed, that's not to say you never will once you develop a special bond with someone.

Orgasms are nice but I find enjoying the act can be more pleasurable.

You can never go wrong starting a relationship with the truth.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I know how this sounds but honestly just fake it. I wouldn't have this opinion had I not dated a girl who had this as well. I would have been like, 'No, be yourself, be honest, etc.' myself, like some posters, was ignorant about it and asked stupid questions too such as 'so you can't do it when masturbating either?' or thought 'maybe you just havent been with the right guy yet and I'll be the one!'

Nope, some girls just can't orgasm.

When my ex explained it to me, she also said how her ex boyfriend she told was 'obsessed with it', which sounded uncomfortable enough for her, and also I imagined some guy furiously, desperately diddling her to try and achieve the desired result. Not the mental image you want your new bf to have.

And then, even though she still enjoyed sex, I ended up finding it harder to enjoy sex as I felt guilty for finishing, and then being like, well I can't give her an orgasm anyway so why feel guilty. Now Id be kidding myself if I said I had 100 percent success with giving girls the big O, but I just felt weird without there at least being any finish line to aim at. I know sex without an orgasm is far from pointless and it shouldn't be about pleasing anyone else or worrying about a man's ego when you're the one who is getting short end of the stick (so to speak) but it's my honest opinion because if he can't give you an orgasm even if it isnt his fault, it will make your partner likely to feel there isn't the proper chemistry. It did for me. And even though this girl was really hot I much preferred sex that I knew when it was over for the girl even if she faked it I don't care at least I had the signal it was okay to stop pumping, otherwise it feels like trying to dig your way to China.

LegacyUser

onthe same page wrote: »

Hi Op!
I'm so pleased to read your post! I'm 30, female and have also never orgasmed. I know there are others like us out there but it's nice to actually hear from one!

...
I could talk about this for hours but tl;dr: tell him. If you don't it will be awkward. You can't keep faking it forever. For me the biggest turn off is someone trying their hardest to make me come rather than just enjoying the moment like I am.

Wow I'm so grateful for your response in particular, thank you. This made such a difference to me... I felt like it was some shameful secret I've been carrying around. Even though I have read the stats, it still is a really taboo subject.

Honestly I want to be able to tell a future boyfriend/partner for multiple reasons:
a) to be myself and not feeling the need to hide aspects of myself
b) so I don't have to fake it (I also hate dishonesty in general, it doesn't sit well with me having a "secret" like this with a SO)
c) well, who knows, by talking about it with him (if he's understanding enough), it might help me relax a bit more and could have an impact on my own relationship to my body

My fear is that he will see it as a challenge, but if I can communicate about it clearly enough hopefully this won't be the case.

LegacyUser

blue note wrote: »

A few of the women I've had sex with told me that they practically never / never orgasm. It's a shame for them and if there's a way I could change that I'd be delighted to try it, but it wouldn't put me off as long as it didn't go with having no interest in sex.

It would bother me if someone faked it repeatedly though to be honest.

Thanks for this - it's very helpful to hear that. And I agree, the faking just doesn't sit well with me - I just felt stuck the last time and too afraid to bring it up once I'd started.

LegacyUser

Purgative wrote: »

Well done you.

No great insights although I genuinely believe that honesty is the best policy and I would recommend this book that we found useful:

https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/0749929138/?coliid=IK07TDS8DIPNE&colid=1ZK19I0CYXVXL&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it

Only £3.59 for the kindle version.

All the very best.

Thank you - I also have the kindle version of this - but I never got through it all. I will be giving it another go soon

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for replying!

I am definitely going to be brave and be honest next time. I want to be able to be myself with a partner, and, at the moment, this is how I am.

Posting here, reading replies, and forming my own responses is really helping me clarify my own thoughts about it, and hopefully will help me communicate with a future boyfriend about this.

I also understand the poster who recommended continuing faking it - it really is a tempting option, particularly as it's such a sensitive topic and the last thing I need would be more pressure. But the earlier poster in the same boat has already made me feel so much better. It also really didn't sit right with me to be faking with my ex... especially now looking back. I don't want to make that mistake again.

I also have time yet to find a partner who'll be understanding. I was wondering the last while should I compromise on this, but I'm getting clearer about what I will/won't compromise on. Honesty is, in all other aspects of my life, VERY important to me, so it's against my own values to be dishonest here.

I hope the mods can keep this thread open, as it would be really helpful to continue to hear from others going through something similar, or from men who've had partners with issues with orgasm and how they responded.

Thank you all so much - I'm a regular reader/occasional poster here and I really do value the PI/RI forums.

bitofabind

Hey OP. First thing I'll say is this doesn't have to be this deep dark secret that you feel completely paranoid about. Most women don't orgasm through penetrative sex. It's a common thing. It doesn't mean sex is a 'failure'; most women will tell you it's deeply pleasurable, intimate, bonding and satisfying regardless.

The fact that you don't get there via masturbation either makes me think it's probably a mental block that has built over time. I'd continue to work with your therapist here. It's good that you're opening up to someone, as I feel the shame / embarrassment is probably part of the mental block for you.

Also, foreplay is important. Being able to communicate during sex, knowing what you like, what makes you feel comfortable. I cringe sometimes when I think about some of the earlier sex I had in my life, where it was all about the guy's pleasure and measuring up to some unrealistic ideas he had from porn about what's 'normal' and what turns a woman on during sex. We don't all scream with unstoppable pleasure after zero build-up and 10 seconds of hard pounding. As a woman I've found without that buildup and without feeling comfortable or communicating throughout, there'll probably be a bit of a disconnect that leads to a less pleasurable experience.

So yeah. Stop faking. Nothing can change if you keep that up. But I don't think you need to have some War and Peace monologue with the next fella either. It can be as simple as "I really enjoy sex, orgasms are still something I'm figuring out but the act is about a lot more than that to me."

Pauliedragon

OP I think there's no right or wrong answer here but my only experience that can relate is I have an ex who a lot of times couldn't orgasm no matter how long I could penetrated her (sorry mods if this is too graphic I'm not 100% on the rules) but within a few mins of me giving oral she was well able to. Maybe a different type of stimulating with a partner could help.
Edit. I'm sure a few months back there was a thread here from a woman stating it was impossible for a woman to orgasm from penile penetration. It might have been in AH so obviously to be taken with a pinch of salt.

Bigdig69

Yes teĺl him. Whatever the issue is, lying about it and faking won't solve the issue. I have come across many women who do orgasm with oral sex but not penetration. I have read this is true of most women. I have also known others who never or rarely orgasm but still enjoy sex.

I have no solution. There might be one, there might not. But try to focus on and enjoy the affection and closeness of intimacy and less on the problem. I think that might help.

LegacyUser

OP me again!

Just wanted to reccomend that you check out the "How cum/come" (i can't remember the spelling) podcast. It's hosted by a woman who can orgasm - though to be fair she manages it by about ep6 but it's still interesting enough.

I would also recommend talking about it to friends. I have one other friend who doesn't orgasm at all, many who can only do it alone and I would say most rarely or never through penetrative sex - it's all a big spectrum and they may have advice or have gone through similar things. Though I suppose it depends what sort of relationships you have with them!

I would also say that removing the goal from sex has helped me enjoy it more. That can certainly be said of masturbation.

stateofflux

OP its important to find a guy who is fairly relaxed and doesn't care if you do or don't. Just enjoying being with each other and the intimacy and honesty is what its all about imo.

iuil1999

Hi OP.
I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. If you enjoy sex as it is that's great. There are plenty of times where I don't orgasm during sex but the sex would still be so arousing and pleasurable. I would be honest with a potential partner and not fake it. You could end up having to fake it for the rest of your life if he turned out to be the one!
I agree with others who have suggested exploring solo and knowing what turns you on. There are so many different toys on the market now. I would recommend a G spot one, which is angled to hit the spot.
Best of luck x

cj maxx

blue note wrote: »

A few of the women I've had sex with told me that they practically never / never orgasm. It's a shame for them and if there's a way I could change that I'd be delighted to try it, but it wouldn't put me off as long as it didn't go with having no interest in sex.

It would bother me if someone faked it repeatedly though to be honest.

I had a girlfriend who told me that back in the 00's. We were in our mid 20's (25+28) so I did what , probably, the op's partners did and tried to be "the one" who succeeded.
She stopped me one night and explained how , while she really liked the sex we have and all , it just doesn't happen for her.
I was a bit crestfallen and all but it kind of took the self imposed pressure off me and we had a good time till the end.
It didn't make a difference to me at all but we weren't , and never were going to be a serious item.