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Chatting to guy online and a bit lost

  • 01-06-2020 10:38pm
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭

    I’m 28 and not out but most people have a fair idea now. Over the past year I’ve started chatting to old friends, got a job where I’m meeting people, trying to chat more, etc basically trying to get out of my shy farm bubble.
    I joined Grindr a few weeks ago. I was looking for friends, chats, relationships if things worked out and wasn’t looking for hook ups. I’m not totally naive and I knew lots were just looking for these and that’s cool.
    I started to chat to various people and had a bit of fun and a bit of banter with people and then I came across this lad in the midlands and we had a bit in common and I messaged him.
    We got on and exchanged phone numbers.
    However he baffles me with certain things.
    He says he’s not officially out. He has a picture up on his Grindr profile and he’ll openly send me voice messages when his relatives are around on what’s app.
    Then he said we won’t be able to met until you get a haircut because of how it looks. I’ll give him that it does look brutal.
    We live over 100km apart and we said we’d met in late July when we can do it properly.
    Then he asks the same question the next night about meeting up and what I want was I going to do for him. If I suggest something it’s either over the top or not enough.
    Then he says he wants to met sooner than later. He’s meant to be looking after his elderly father so I did think he’d want to obey restrictions.
    I’d be relying on public transport at the moment to met people but it will be do able when things get back to normal.( I do intend to learn to drive).
    Then he’ll repeat the same question night after night about meeting up and how he’s serious and not there to be used.
    I do my best to explain things to him and he seems fine but it all starts up again.
    Originally I was mad to met him but now I’m unsure.
    I was continuing to log into my Grindr profile and chat to a few guys about TV, local stuff with some, etc and I saw he was online also.
    He said tonight that he didn’t want me talking to other lads(even if it was just fun) and he was only logging into check messages and not reply to them.

    I’m embarrassed about the whole thing to be honest. I feel like a foolish teenager again.
    Any advice?
    Ask anything ye want.
    He did say he hadn’t much look on the site and wasn’t looking for time waters.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭Batgurl

    Your gut is saying there is something massively wrong with this guy and I think your gut is spot on in this instance. You should always go with your gut.

    The same question night after night makes me think he either has drink, drug or mental issues.

    The controlling behaviour (gaslighting you about the haircut, telling you not to be chatting to other people, that hour responses are not good enough) are also massive red signals.

    You don’t know this guy. He could be anyone. You are building him up in your head and he could turn out to be a total catfish. I hope you haven’t told him too many personal details so you can just delete, block and move on.

    People wonder why ghosting has become popular; it’s creeps like this is why.

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    OP here again,
    When I read back over the post it made more sense to me. I do think he’s somebody who has issues to be honest and he’s very clingy.
    I’m just going to do my best to move on and be a tad more careful in the future.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey

    There's an alarm bell going off in your head, people that don't pay attention to this always regret it.

    That niggling doubt your having is intuition, pay attention to what it's telling you - run for the hills

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 5,678 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx

    'Then he said we won’t be able to met until you get a haircut because of how it looks. I’ll give him that it does look brutal.'

    Nothing much to add add, OP to what previous posters have advised and I'm glad to see you are not going to engage any further with this person. The line I copied above, while it might seem a small thing at the time, to you, stood out to me. First of all, many of us have COVID hairstyles at the moment, and they aren't exactly what we want to have, but what harm.

    But secondly, why would someone start out by trying to be derogatory about another person's appearance, even leaving aside the fact that all barbers and hairdressers have been closed since March.

    Trust your gut instincts, if someone is a messer, or a head wrecker, they are not worth wasting a second of your time on. Unfortunately, there are people who enjoy mucking with other people's feelings and emotions, and the anonymity of the internet allows them to pretend to be something they are not.

    Mind yourself.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,015 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    My friend is a music teacher and once told me that a college lecturer advised: if a person is proving difficult before they've even begun with you, walk away and don't take on their business. Make your excuses. It'll save you heartache in the long run.

    He meant it in a business/professional sense, but it can be applied to this kind of situation too. You know nothing about this fella. He is already being pretty derogatory to you telling you to change your appearance and how to conduct yourself. Imagine actually being in a relationship with him!

    Nah, not worth the effort and upset it will inevitably cause you. Make your excuses. Walk away. It'll save you heartache in the long run!

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  • Registered Users Posts: 190 ✭✭Dog day

    Hi OP, you’re lucky!

    This guy has shown you from the outset what type of person he is...someone to be avoided!

    Cut contact with him now, continue to tread cautiously with online dating & also continue listening to your gut, our inner voices never fail us.

    Good luck!

  • Registered Users Posts: 5 ja_

    i'd definitely steer clear, sounds like he has some issues possibly addiction issues too, if it's going wrong before you meet then that would not augur well for the future

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,310 ✭✭✭Loveinapril

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.