Feeling like a terrible person and completely lost

Danni21

Hi all,

I'll try keep this brief, basically i'm feeling like a terrible person. I'm racked with guilt, shame and disappointment in myself. I've always tried to be a decent person but just am feeling like my life has spiralled. I'm a female in my 30s living away from my home country. Over the past couple of years i've had bad anxiety, depression and just feelings of being lost. I am normally quite good at picking myself up again but just couldn't manage it. I was prescribed citalopram. I went through a phase where I was drinking far too much. I had a night out with a friend when I very first started taking citaloptram. It was just casual dinner and drinks but long story short ended up in hospital. I went from being fine to out of it. My friend who was seemingly okay got us an Uber and dropped me off at the complete wrong suburb. I ended up unconscious face down in someones garden. She had taken off. I hIad access to gift cards in my job and I used these to pay for some facial treatments I needed for my injuries and some other things. I was struggling financally more than I have every in my life. I had started replacing these but my role was made redundant. I will find a way to replace these one way or another but just feel racked with guilt. I have taken drugs probably four times over the past couple of years which is out of character for me. I dabbled lightly as a teenager and had a couple(like literally 2) blips in my 20s. As hypocritical as this might sound I’ve always been quite anti-drugs and always hate myself after I’ve done something like this. My brother was heavily involved in drugs dealing and taking and got our young sister involved too. He came to the country I’m living in to get away from that lifestyle. I borrowed money for his flights here, I put him up for a month. I paid for everything, took him on trips, gave him my car, helped him get clothes for work. He is doing quite well now but I feel like he forgets I was so good to him. He speaks to me terribly sometimes. He gave me such a hard time about being a bit of a mess. I spoke up for him when he was assaulted and he called me a psycho and told me not to get involved. He then blocked me on Facebook. I lend him money all the time and he quite often delays paying me back and then gives me so much grief when I chase him up for it. I met his best friend recently and he didn’t even know I existed or that he had another sister in the same country. But he knows about my youngest sibling who just arrived a few short months ago. My brother has introduced her to drugs aswell from a young age and there’s nothing I can do about it. They used to listen to me, we used to be close but I just feel distant from them now. They can’t even have drinks on a work night in the house without getting a bag of something and have just bonded over this party lifestyle. My sisters bf told me he respected me because I don’t get involved with that stuff. But it just made me feel like a fraud in light of recent behaviour and I actually feel like I’ve let them down. I’ve always been there for them but they just don’t treat me with respect and we rarely spend time together anymore. It just makes me feel ****ty about myself. I just feel so ashamed and guilty over my behaviour over the past couple of years and feel like I’ve let myself and my family down. I don’t know how to fix it. Everything is just a mess.

MissShihTzu

Look. We all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up. From your post, I'm assuming you're in the UK? Lots of help available, and at least it's free - But you do need to put in the spade work in accessing it.

First of all? Book an appointment with your GP. Tell them what you've said here and ask for a referral to a mental health professional.

STOP lending your brother money. You'll only end up looking the bad guy as you have to chase him to get it back. If he's blocked you on FB? Fine - leave him to it. If you're sincere in turning your back on his lifestyle, then you have to stay away from him and your sister. I'm not saying to cut off all contact, but keep them at arm's length, while you try to sort out your problems.

With regard to the gift cards? Are you in a position to put them back? Are you working at the same place or at all? How feasible will it be, given the furlough and the lockdown? You don't have to answer now, but you will need to deal with it.

Finally - try to get some counselling. It will help your self esteem which is on the floor, and give you some clarity to work out a plan to put yourself together again.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Danni21

Thanks so much,

I have been seeing a counsellor but not sure he's the best fit for me. He dissects all my flaws in my handling of these interactions with my siblings, i'm defensive not communicating they probably pick up on me not feeling good enough. I know his intentions are good and he has helped me through some other stuff but he also recommended I try Ayahuasca at our last session.

It will be tricky to replace the gift cards but I will have to do it.

I need to distance myself from my siblings for now. I've been recovering from surgery and they haven't even called over to see me. I know they're busy but my sister isn't working so don't think it's too much to ask. They give me so much grief which wouldn't bother me I guess if I was in a better place myself. I stayed with them during lockdown and it was nice to spend time with them but it was challenging. Slightest thing with my brother and he will just catastrophize. Calls me a weirdo, a retard, I live in a world of my own, no one else lives there. I do Reiki and he gives me **** about that. It's exhausting. I just miss the bond I had with them.

Make It Real

You've a lot going on there, Danni21 - I feel for you.

I don't really have any answers for you. As I'm sure you know, they can only come from you, though people can help you move towards them and support you.

One thing I'd pull from your words:

>I've always tried to be a decent person but just am feeling like my life has spiralled.

See, you still know what you are underneath it all - its obvious from that sentence and other words in your post. After everything, you still are a decent person, which I think is more about your true being rather than passing actions.


How did the "spiralling" happen?

Probably little things going wrong, small mistakes you made, bad luck, the wrong people saying the wrong things. It starts small, builds, spins, becomes like a tornado, that you can't see a way out of...


So, what about turning the whole thing on its head...

How can you "unspiral" from where you are now and get back to what you truly are?

Could it possibly involve the reverse of what got you here?

So, taking small steps, doing the little things that are right for you, being really aware and praising yourself for them, having the right people saying the right things, eventually seeing where you want to be.


Sure, there will be loads of work in all that, but don't give up hope and the belief in what you truly are and what you can be again.

Hope this is of some help!

kg703

Danni21 wrote: »

but he also recommended I try Ayahuasca at our last session.

Is this even a qualified counsellor or some 'holistic' one? This is a very dangerous suggestion - one you already clearly have guilt associations with doing drugs & two a 'counsellor' in Ireland suggested this to a friend of mines sister to help with her depression. Long story short it fuelled paranoid schizophrenia and she ended up having several terrifying incidents over the following months with serious hallucinations and is still on meds recovering years later.

I am also saying this from someone who has a lot of experience with psychedelics - they are not for everyone, please be careful.

I'd recommend speaking to your GP..... and not giving yourself such a hard time over guilt. We have all made silly mistakes, many of us gotten really drunk and went over the top, you are certainly not alone in that. Learn from the mistakes and use them to make yourself a better person. Best of luck!

Danni21

Thank you.

Yeah he kind of blindsided me with that comment to be honest. Not in a million years would I consider taking it. He knows there is addiction and drug abuse in my family which has caused a lot of the problems so can't believe he'd even suggest it. I'm pretty sure there's some conduct he must be breaching but that's another issue not worth worrying about. I'm just going to find someone else.

Danni21

Make It Real wrote: »

You've a lot going on there, Danni21 - I feel for you. Snipped to remove entire quoted post

Thank you,

Yeap small little things one after the other, my finances got out of control, worse than they've ever been. I was embarrassed and ashamed by this. Feeling down, anxiety from work. Too much alcohol. I stopped taking the citalopram as it wasn't really helping and some of the stories about it are scary. I have spoke to people with first hand experience too. Being friends with people who use "banter" to bully you and chip away with you, bring you down all because they're unhappy with themselves. Bad relationships. My accident had a huge effect on me. I was traumatised for weeks.

I just had surgery to help with a medical condition that hugely affects quality of life and hormones etc, so this will hopefully help too.

I'm trying to take that as my turning point to start again and get back to my best. I have a lot of work to do though and feeling very worn out.

MissShihTzu

I'd sack that 'counsellor' off at once! They don't seem to know what they're doing, and doing more harm than good. Are you in the UK, OP? If you are, look here for qualified and certified help. If you're in Ireland, then look here.. Remember - counsellors are like shoes! Not all may suit you or you feel comfortable with. Might be a case of trial and error.

With regard to the Citalopram? I would not have stopped taking it without GP advice. I would go back to them, tell them you don't think it's working. Either the dose can be adjusted, or something else can be prescribed for you.

As for your siblings? I'd ignore the childish remarks. Develop a thicker skin. For all you know, they might be jealous you seem to leave their lifestyle so easily, but they can't.

Airyfairy12

Everyone makes mistakes and im sure that most people who drink have had nights they would rather have not happened, in your case though it sounds like you lost total control of yourself and your surroundings leaving yourself in a very vulnerable situation. Id be interested to know if you spoke to this 'friend' that dumped you in a random place while you were out of it?
Maybe dont drink while youre on that medication, it sounds like alcohol doesn't mix well with them.
Tbh it doesnt sound like a hopeless situation, take that experience and learn from it. Dont go out drinking with people who dont care about you and dont drink while on meds.
As for your siblings, stop loaning your brother money and stop helping him out, he has no respect for you and the way it sounds, you dont have much respect for yourself if you keep associating with people who dont have your back when you need it.
You dont need to be so involved in your brother and sisters lives, theyre adults and you might not agree with their choices but you dont have to. Give them space, you may develop a close connection again in the future, relationships can float in and out of your life, it happens.
Focus on building healthy relationships with people and moving on from people who dont have your best interests, if you surround yourself with negative people who dont care about you, it can leave long term damage to your self esteem and mental health, choose wisely who you give your time too.

Danni21

MissShihTzu wrote: »

I'd sack that 'counsellor' off at once! They don't seem to know what they're doing, and doing more harm than good. Are you in the UK, OP? If you are, look here for qualified and certified help. If you're in Ireland, then look here.. Remember - counsellors are like shoes! Not all may suit you or you feel comfortable with. Might be a case of trial and error.

With regard to the Citalopram? I would not have stopped taking it without GP advice. I would go back to them, tell them you don't think it's working. Either the dose can be adjusted, or something else can be prescribed for you.

As for your siblings? I'd ignore the childish remarks. Develop a thicker skin. For all you know, they might be jealous you seem to leave their lifestyle so easily, but they can't.

Thank you. I'm in NZ. I should be able to get hold of a decent counsellor. I stopped taking the Citalopram a few months ago. I don't want to be stuck on antidepressants. I'm trying to do meditation, listening to positive hypnosis tracks. Hope to get back exercising in the next few weeks.

I definitely need to develop a thicker soon. I think the problem is it wouldn't bother me if I wasn't feeling poop about myself already.

Danni21

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Everyone makes mistakes and im sure that most people who drink have had nights they would rather have not happened, in your case though it sounds like you lost total control of yourself and your surroundings leaving yourself in a very vulnerable situation. Id be interested to know if you spoke to this 'friend' that dumped you in a random place while you were out of it?
Maybe dont drink while youre on that medication, it sounds like alcohol doesn't mix well with them.
Tbh it doesnt sound like a hopeless situation, take that experience and learn from it. Dont go out drinking with people who dont care about you and dont drink while on meds.
As for your siblings, stop loaning your brother money and stop helping him out, he has no respect for you and the way it sounds, you dont have much respect for yourself if you keep associating with people who dont have your back when you need it.
You dont need to be so involved in your brother and sisters lives, theyre adults and you might not agree with their choices but you dont have to. Give them space, you may develop a close connection again in the future, relationships can float in and out of your life, it happens.
Focus on building healthy relationships with people and moving on from people who dont have your best interests, if you surround yourself with negative people who dont care about you, it can leave long term damage to your self esteem and mental health, choose wisely who you give your time too.

Thanks for your reply.

I have briefly chatted to that friend only recently. I did speak to her after the accident, she was messaging me and phoning me very early the next day and called to my house. She felt awful. But I was advised to go to the police as I had no real idea what happened and I was black and blue and she was very unhelpful with giving me information that could have assisted.I'm not talking about relying on memory but details from our Uber trip that night etc, stuff she had on her phone. Seems it probably was just a fall but I had to check it out for my own sanity.

Yeap my brother was so thankful and I was so great when I paid to start his new life for him, soon forgotten.