How can i be happy for others?

LegacyUser

Another friend just announced their pregnancy. I don't know how to happy for people anymore. All I've wanted since I was young was a family. If I can't have that I would at least like my own home to be able to live the way I please but of course, as a single person, that's not a realistic prospect. I can't talk to anyone. All I get is nonsense about how I'll find someone. Why? Why would anyone think that when all evidence points to the contrary. I have just as many good (and bad) qualities as anyone else. I'm just as deserving. But it's not going to happen for me. I used to live in England. I considered staying there because single people can foster and adopt. People said I was mad, too young to think like that, I'd meet someone. And I genuinely believed them then. Now, I'm single, childless, sleeping in a single bed in a shared house I can barely afford, treated like a child by friends and family alike and it's all supposed to be fine because I have a career or I'm not completely destitute and should think of the homeless or "what's meant for you won't pass you" or whatever other bull****. I am actually at my wits end. My birthday is coming up. Another year spent alone. Great.

Upforthematch

Hi Op,

That's one stream of consciousness you have written - well done for letting it all out.

Can I just highlight all the 'catastrophic thinking' going on here
- I can't talk to anyone.
- it's not going to happen for me
- My birthday is coming up. Another year spent alone.
- it's all supposed to be fine because I have a career
etc...

I'm not going to plámás you because I'm single and hear all those catchphrases all as well!

I get you are pissed off with life, yes, so that means you've got 'fire in your belly'.

A change is only going happen if you do something about it.

If you accept this premise, then it's game on.

You've a career, so I take it you're well used to planning things and getting results.

You want to settle down and unless you want to mix work and pleasure then realistically you're talking about making the most of the (probably little) spare time you have to make this happen.

What do you do with your spare time? Are you using this time to maximise your chances of meeting someone or going it alone?

And look, this Corona-time has everything frozen in motion so go easy on yourself at the moment. Every single person in the same boat so use the time to plan for September onwards when people won't need to stay 2 metres apart!

Hey..yeah, I get where you're coming from..But like, you are happy for your friend really, aren't you?..You are sad for yourself, but if you could park that you are happy for her?..I suppose it depends what age you are too really, but like, really, you don't know what is around the corner..With the way things are going it's getting harder to expect to meet someone and expect an actual relationship in the sense you're thinking of..But like, it can happen?..And when you're alone then you are just so aware of what's missing, and while you come to accept it to a degree, it's always there, and you kind of don't expect it to happen..(Well, that's what's happened to me anyway..)..Like, you can probably do something about your living situation can you?..move somewhere else or something where you could get a decent gaff anyway..Have you tried online dating or whatever?..I could probably make all the usual suggestions that you know already, but I won't..I hope you're alright anyway..Hope you've a good birthday too..

ILoveYourVibes

Hi OP.

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

I am sure you are not being nasty to people etc. So its ok to feel a bit knocked at people doing well at something you want. Just don't dwell on it for your own sake.


Yes its true you might not meet someone.

Its not about being deserving ..its a lottery. People who are not deserving of anyone have someone. People who don't deserve children have them. Its really a lottery and you can't control that. You have to accept it. Just play it once and a while.


Also don't let this time go to waste. Do something useful with this time. Use it wisely.

I mean waiting for something that may or might not happen etc.

I don't know how to counsel you on the emotional turmoil of being unfulfilled maternally. But for now at least you need to find somewhere to put that energy that makes you feel better.

Also up for the match made a good point ....corona virus has thrown us for a loop. We are all bound to be more emotional right now.

You don't have to be happy for others. You have to be happy for YOURSELF. In your life.

I really do hope your dreams come true though. I believe they can xxxx

carolmon

justinall wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote entire posts. It clogs threads with duplicate text and makes it difficult to read for users on the touch site.

Sorry you're struggling

Just thought it was worth mentioning single people can foster here too...it might be worth exploring.

I hope things improve for you x

Thelonious Monk

Shake the bitterness, the world owes you nothing. Good things dont always come to those who wait. Maybe you'll never meet someone and you'll never have kids, many people don't, but you need to try and accept your circumstances and take it from there.

LegacyUser

OP. I was in a pretty dark spiral last night. I had come off a zoom call where a friend announced their pregnancy. In the same friend group last week another girl shared news her and her husband bought a house and the previous week there was a different pregnancy announcement. I had spent the whole call fighting to stay "happy for them". Then I had to leave to go join another zoom helping a friend I'm bridesmaid for re-plan her wedding.

Saying that, I still stand by what I said and still feel like that this morning.

I get you are pissed off with life, yes, so that means you've got 'fire in your belly'.

A change is only going happen if you do something about it.

If you accept this premise, then it's game on.

You've a career, so I take it you're well used to planning things and getting results.

You want to settle down and unless you want to mix work and pleasure then realistically you're talking about making the most of the (probably little) spare time you have to make this happen.

What do you do with your spare time? Are you using this time to maximise your chances of meeting someone or going it alone?

I used to do a lot of "work" trying to find someone but I've been single for six years now and "working" on it didn't yield any results. I am a member of mixed gender clubs etc but most men are spoken for. I try to be forward with men I'm interested but I'm not particularly attractive so it's not usually reciprocated. And I think most men think of forward women as desperate.

But like, you are happy for your friend really, aren't you?..You are sad for yourself, but if you could park that you are happy for her?

But how do I park that? I can BE happy for them but I'm too wrapped up in my own self-pity. And sometime I'm not happy for them. The friend who announced her pregnancy last night. Sure. Definitely happy for her. The one two weeks ago? Nope. I think she's just going through the motions. She already has one child and she treats him as an accessory at best but mostly an inconvenience.

Just thought it was worth mentioning single people can foster here too...it might be worth exploring.

Technically yes but you need to give up work completely. And you need to have good support, which I don't. I'd happily go part time but I don't think being a full time, single, foster parent would be sensible. But maybe someday.

Shake the bitterness, the world owes you nothing. Good things dont always come to those who wait. Maybe you'll never meet someone and you'll never have kids, many people don't, but you need to try and accept your circumstances and take it from there.

This isn't helpful. If you could tell me how to get over it/myself, now that's advice I'd be more than happy to hear. I've "decided" to make the most of my life so many times but it doesn't just work that way. I can get rid of feeling like this any more than I can rid of being hungry without eating.

Idle Passerby

Hi OP, sorry that your feeling so low. It's a horrible feeling when you are not satisfied with your life and the things you desperately long for seem to only happen to other people. I know it's infuriating hearing all the "chin up, it will be fine" type advice but I think the crux of it is, nothing good will come your way when your unhappy and resentful. You want a partner, family, your own place because you feel those things will make you happy but the irony is you need to find fulfilment in what you already have before those things become possible.

That might sound a bit esoteric but it isn't really. If your unhappy your likely focusing on the negative in every situation and that reinforces your idea that nothing good happens to you. When you could be trying to look on the bright side, then you'd be more inclined to see positives and opportunities in your situation. You need to improve your outlook. Easier said than done I know, but its within your control to change how you choose to see things.

Upforthematch

justinall wrote: »

I used to do a lot of "work" trying to find someone but I've been single for six years now and "working" on it didn't yield any results. I am a member of mixed gender clubs etc but most men are spoken for. I try to be forward with men I'm interested but I'm not particularly attractive so it's not usually reciprocated. And I think most men think of forward women as desperate.
.

I'm not mad on 'forward' approach similar I think to a lot of Irish people. However, it's not 'forward' to ask someone to go for coffee! You make friends first...

If this is your goal, why are you spending your time in clubs where the men you're interested in are spoken for?

Change it up. "Used to" isn't going to cut it if this is the barrier to your goal.

Idle Passerby explains it so well too - you have to love yourself too to give someone else a look in.

P.s. Why not consider the upcoming wedding an opportunity rather than a drain by the way?

Tork

I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you but maybe it's time to accept that you might not meet somebody. That is a bitter pill to swallow but maybe it's time to downgrade the ambition to something that'd be lovely if it happens. If you're trying hard to meet men out there, maybe you're scaring them off? They can sense the desperation. Do you view the men in your mixed gender clubs through the prism of whether they are or aren't available? If you haven't done so already, maybe it'd still be worth becoming friends with them. Many people still meet their partners through friends. Even the men who are taken have single friends and who knows...?

The other thing I noticed is your reference to your current living arrangements. I get the impression that your job may not be paid that well. Is there anything you can do about that? Upskill? Move location? It's easy to get angry that you're still single and childless and living in a box room somewhere. It's harder to put a plan in place. Maybe you could do with talking to a career guidance coach?

Thelonious Monk

And tbf op, sorry for being harsh, but you sound a bit desperate and needy, you shouldn't be raising a child on your own if you ask me. Focus on becoming a more content person, heal your inner self. Go to therapy, nourish yourself, accept and love yourself.
No one deserves a partner or a baby. That's not how the universe works.

Daisy78

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Shake the bitterness, the world owes you nothing. Good things dont always come to those who wait. Maybe you'll never meet someone and you'll never have kids, many people don't, but you need to try and accept your circumstances and take it from there.

Bit harsh no? Some positive advice might be more helpful to this person than a doomsday scenario. And what does one do to “take it from there”?

Op I think it’s helpful to break down your situation in individual problems/issues. Taking them altogether is overwhelming and you might be better off focusing one one thing you can change right now than trying to resolve everything together. Take for example your living situation, are you totally dependent on living where you are? And I mean the town/city you are living in. I’m sure there are more affordable options out there but ones which probably come with a bit of a compromise. If you want your own place there are ways to make that happen,it might mean moving to a quieter more rural area but is it something you might consider. Are you tied to your current location for work?

As regards relationships, what efforts have you made up to now to meet someone? Would you describe yourself as passive in terms of engaging with others and making an effort? Are you open to meeting different types of men/women or are your standards getting in the way a bit?

Daisy78

Just to add to the above OP I don’t get the sense that you don’t like or (“love”, good lord I hate that phrase) yourself just that quiet rightly you are frustrated by the situation you find yourself in. I think it’s completely normal to expect marriage and children along the way, that tends to be most peoples expectations of life, it doesn’t make you desperate in the slightest!!

You can be a positive person in general but a problem as enduring as this can affect your outlook on life. So contrary to the above posters I think your reaction is normal! I think you need to practice the art of feeling pleased (if not overjoyed) in the moment for your friend but remember that it is a feeling in the moment and after it has passed go back to focussing on yourself. In the short term plan enjoyable activities which will distract you or give you something to look forward to. Make plans, even if they are not life changing. Remember the day will come when the weddings and pregnancies will pass.

cj maxx

There was a really good point made about meeting a partner. The vast majority of couples I know met through mutal friends.
Rather than dismiss the men you don't particularly fancy and throw yourself at the ones you do, try to make friends with people of both sexes. All those people have brothers/ cousins/in-laws / friends etc that might be your match.
Make friends. Widen your circle .
And don't throw yourself at men , because they actually won't respond in the way you want.
My 2 cents. Peace out

SusieBlue

Sure the universe doesn’t owe any of us anything whatsoever, let alone a partner or child, that doesn’t mean OP isn’t allowed to have life goals and that she should just suck it up and get over it because it hasn’t worked out for her so far.

OP, I am quite similar to you in that having children is extremely important to me, I’m late 20’s and currently single but I’ve decided that if I’m still single in roughly 5yrs time I’ll get IVF and go it alone.

Is that something you would consider or do you only want children with a partner?
Could you set a similar timeline for yourself and use the next few years to do all you can to change your living situation so you’d be able to take that route too?
Fostering is another option open to you.

I know that meeting a partner and settling down is the ideal scenario but families come in all shapes and sizes these days.
I think you will feel a lot less under pressure to meet the perfect man if you know in your head that even if you don’t, you have a plan in place to have children without one.
And because you’ll feel under less pressure, it might make you a bit more relaxed and open to meeting someone in the meantime meaning you don’t need to go it alone at all.
Just something to keep in mind. I completely sympathise with you, best of luck.

ILoveYourVibes

Op a life with kids isn't better or worse ..its different.

Women WITH kids can feel alone unfulfilled and look at us with envy.

Don't go chasing it without feeling happy first.

Get a new focus for your life. A new dream.

Batgurl

The grass isn’t always greener.

Your friend has had to reschedule her wedding. That has to be both heartbreaking and draining (emotionally and financially). He/She’s lost their big day and all their plans have just disappeared.

Your friends just bought a house. And they probably paid pre-Covid prices as we face into one of the deepest recessions the country has ever seen. They will likely go into negative equity, face pay cuts and possible job loss. They are probably ****ting themselves for their poor timing.

Your friends who announced they are pregnant, maybe they’ve been trying for years? Maybe they’ve had multiple miscarriages. Maybe they’ve had IVF. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship.

First thing you should do is stop looking at other people and comparing yourself to them. Especially on social media. Look only at yourself and focus on ways to make yourself happy. Start small, treat yourself to a nice handbag or a new haircut. Work out if you feel losing weight will make you happy. Look at ways to regularly save for a deposit. Investigate sperm donation and IVF (a friend did it in Spain and it cost about €10,000 a number of years ago).

Stop comparing yourself to others. “If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Purple Mountain

Batgurl wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire previous post. It just clogs up the thread with duplicate text and makes navigation cumbersome for users on the touch site.

Also just to add here...
Anytime I have found myself comparing myself to anyone who I perceive as more successful, accomplished etc etc I stop and ask myself : why am I not comparing myself to the friend who I perceive has less luck or achievements than me?

LegacyUser

Hi Op again. Thanks for all the responses. Some really made sense.

I think people are assuming I'm sitting round doing nothing though which is quite frustrating. I am working towards goals etc. I have plenty saved for a deposit, it's a mortgae to match that I can't get. I've looked into fostering - it's not realistic. I would have to give up work completely and live in the same town as my parents to be considered. I have plans to go the sperm donation route but I'm not sure it's fair to the child, I'm still tossing that one up.

I think it's just that no matter how much "work" I put in, I'm not gaurenteed a partner and I don't know how to deal with it. If I want a promotion - sure, I guess it's not guarenteed either but there are tangible things that seem to make it more likely which is not the case with a partner.

I think it's also tricky because being single is such a tightrope. Not actively looking: why have you given up? Actively looking: stop being desperate. Ask someone out: that's too forward. Don't: why are you so passive. Same with the child thing! When I even suggest that I might be thinking about a sperm donor most people thing I'm completely crazy and have given up all hope. Dating itself is the same nightmare - it's either too early OR too late to let someone know I'm interested in a more serious relationship.

lainey_d_123

I feel for you, OP, and I think some posters have been very unfair and harsh. It's not about being 'owed' anything, but the reality is that MOST women do settle down and have kids, so it's easy to think 'what's wrong with me?' if it doesn't happen for you.

What I've learned over the past few years is that so many people in marriages and relationships are absolutely miserable. I see pictures on Instagram of happy families and feel so jealous, but then I talk to the person and it turns out their partner has cheated, they have fights every day, they never have sex anymore, they can't stand each other. So many relationships which look happy from the outside are absolute shams. That's not to say they ALL are, but the grass is not always greener.

As a single person you might feel like you're at the bottom of the pile, but you're not. Think of it like this - the happy couples are at the top, the miserable couples are at the bottom, and you're somewhere in the middle. No, you haven't got your fairytale romance, but you're also not stuck in a marriage and a mortgage with someone you can't stand. You have choices and options. You could meet someone tomorrow and start a life with them. The person in the unhappy relationship has to untangle their life and may never be free of it if they have kids with someone they no longer love or even like. That person would look at you with envy, thinking you have so much freedom they don't.

I would recommend going to therapy to get to know yourself better and understand what you're looking for, but the end goal here is to be happy on your own. A lot of relationships really are down to dumb luck. Timing and a million other things that have to come together. You could most likely find someone to marry if that's your ultimate goal, to have a ring on your finger, but would you want to do that, for the sake of it?

LegacyUser

I think you shouldn't try. In a similar situation have decoded to live my life and do all i can and experience all i can myself. Male, I do not like women who rejected me and stay from them and their "friend" zone. i just ignore them and do what i want, the best i can have in material terms. I certainly won't be comparing myself.

Work on your own life. Forget them Getting good job to fund a home is possible for anyone