Seperation Anxiety Post Covid19

VegetaIRL8e

Hi everyone, please feel free to move this if required. Little background.
Single dad of an amazing lil 2yr old princess. Due to her living situation (mum & grandparents) I haven't had physical contact for 12 weeks. While tough it was for the right reasons.

Im looking for help and advice and, if you don't mind, don't want to focus to much on the mums, but if I can just say she is non helpful/engaging and in some ways destructive to Daddy/Daughter relationship.

I want to focus on my daughter and what is very obvious separation anxiety from her mum, its been stressful for all 3 of us on the first 2 handovers. but especially my daughter. Its just the handover as before we are even out the gateway she is toddler talking to me and her teddies. Has anyone been in or in same similar situation and as an individual parent just looking for different ideas

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

venusdoom

Hi OP. I don't know if I can help you but want to say from a mother who has gone through this with my own child going to his Dads, and also from a childcare practitioners point of view, this is a daily occurrence with children we look after. They cry and get very upset in mornings when parents are leaving them and it's very distressing for all but within 5 mins they are happy and getting on with things. I think you all just have to keep doing what you're doing and hopefully your little daughter will adapt quickly to the drop offs. It's not nice at the minute but it will get easier. It's a shame that the mother isn't encouraging the relationship. Would be great if you could video call your daughter during the week and plan your adventures together, get her excited and looking forward to your time together.

VegetaIRL8e

Hi @venusdoom,
Thank you very much for the reply. I appreciate it and especially hearing someone say its a common daily occurrence. its reassuring. I kinda knew it, but nice to hear. I just want to make sure she is ok and I can do the best for her and its hard after the handovers going relatively weel prior to Covid. Thanks again

Cash_Q

Just want to echo what's been said above, totally normal and common at handovers in childcare settings etc and always ends quickly. My daughter used to scream crying when I'd come to collect her from her minders, it was upsetting to me that she wasn't happy to see me after a day at work but she was always grand within a few minutes, and it was never about me just about the transition. When your daughter is a bit older and has a better concept of time she'll be expecting you and excited to open the door to you. It must be an anxious thought after being apart due to the Covid restrictions but kids are so adaptable, she won't remember that time apart from you.

s1ippy

There's a neighbour behind us with a two year old and there's a meltdown every day at six when the mother goes in to make the dinner. Yesterday evening the child smacked the dad an unmerciful wallop. You're not alone.

I see it myself with my niece too, she gets pretty hysterical these days if mom can't be seen even for an instant. It's called insecure attachment and I don't know why mothers don't make a considered effort to avoid their infant developing it because it is very distressing to the child and others. My sister is aware of it and thinks it's adorable.

Her first lad had it as well but grew out of it when he was around 3. He's very insecure in other ways now, can't lose any game, hurts other children when adults aren't looking, takes correction incredibly poorly and has tantrums like I've never seen before.

As other posters said, try and make sure the visits are wall to wall dad-time where she's able to look forward to all the activities. Distract and deflect before the child even has a chance to realise there's a transition from mom to dad.

Be sure and brief her mother on your plan of action, tell her it's just to avoid any upset. If she has an issue with that I'd send her on a parenting course or to a psychiatric facility because allowing your child to be distressed so somebody else is upset is the behaviour of a deranged person.

Neyite

At that age it's usual. My toddler went though a phase of it with childcare handover and it's heart-wrenching to see them wail like that.
But they get over it quickly and he's 8 now, and a happy, confident, independent kid so it's not a thing that causes lifelong damage.

VegetaIRL8e

Hi all
Really appreciate the response and the reassurance its normal. I think because handover was without very little fuss prior to Covid19, to going to this is tough and I just wanted to make sure I wasnt doing permanent damage or least doing whats best for her, by just taking her and going. As I mentioned this has been left mostly if not entirely to me.
@s1ppy agreed, but unfortunately nothing I can do about that particular issue.

As always Ill update this thread and let you know how I get on

Milly33

God OP i feel for you.. The last few weeks have been very trying with our little one around the same age, and we are all in the same house.. So I can imagine it must be very hard when you have her for a few days and you are so excited to see her..It is heartbreaking stuff to see them want one over the other, and just like whatever you but by all the reading etc it is just a phase.. I think perhaps it would have happened covid or not..

I try to not let it get to me here, and when she starts i just ignore it.. Sometimes they look for negative attention, at their age too they are putting so much together in their little minds it must get frustrating for them.. best of luck with it and i hope she settles soon for you...

shesty

I think a big smile (should be on both faces), acknowledging the handover by saying "ok, let's say bye bye mummy!!bye bye!" And then turning and going is the easiest way.Now look....mum should be doing that too, but I understand that is not in your control.From observation, hanging on, drawing it out or trying to madly distract a screaming toddler with shiny things and toys is not a successful way.They aren't stupid, they are just small, so acknowledge the separation is now happening but keep it fairly sharp, try not to prolong it (or rather, try and make sure mum doesn't prolong it).You can make a ritual, my minder would always say ok say bye bye or something like "what do we say?See you later alligator -in a while crocodile"(ideal if the mother would play along with that too).My third is very clingy, I found a kiss, and a big wave with a big smile on my face was the best approach (no matter how I felt inside).He goes flying in now and he is just over 2.My second is 4 and she was also clingy in new places like preschool,or new birthday parties and that and actually I found just sitting with her suited her.Not saying anything or trying to make it better for her or pushing her, just sitting and letting her know I was there.Nowadays she lasts 10 minites, then tells me she's fine and to go away when I do that , so different things work!You aren't doing damage though, it is a totally normal developmental phase.Other things, like if she had a chat over breakfast about daddy coming soon or similar....giving her preparation for everything....works well with toddlers.They have no concept of time and deal badly with changes or going from one scenario to another (even just from playing to the dinner table) so a 5 or 10 min warning always helps

VegetaIRL8e

Hey guys,
Well 8 handovers done and ever since after I did the "rip the band-aid" approach my lil lady has been toddling out to meet me.. The first time I took her fully, she was upset till we were out the drive way and then started chatting away and we haven't looked back since. Overnights started this weekend and it went great. Some middle of the night wake ups, looking for reassurance from daddy, but straight back to sleep for everyone after and Im sure will get better with each sleepover.

Its never easy for both parents in this situation and I feel for her mum and I when you hear the child initially upset, but you realise its just a lil of the unknown for them and with reassurance and fun times the most important thing happens which is their upset is sorted. Thanks for the advice, pointers and reassurance here.

Cash_Q

Great to hear, lovely that you are such a dedicated Dad