Don't want children - struggling with romance

LegacyUser

I am a woman and do not want kids. This is not going to change.

I am struggling deeply, especially the last two years, with how much this is impacting my chances for a relationship. I was very naive and carefree in my younger years thinking this would not be an issue, but it is causing me untold pain now.

I am sitting in the living room again at 2am, after yet another phonecall about how 'having children is basically why we're here, the whole reason we're alive' and 'this isn't going anywhere if we don't eventually want to have kids'. And so another one bites the dust.

I do not lead anyone on, I am someone who takes things slowly and I bring up this issue at the first semi-normal opportunity to do so.

I want a relationship so badly at this stage I am verging on desperate if i'm not already there. I have a deep need to feel close to someone - to me, that is the 'whole reason I'm alive'. My job gets me by and is thankfully stable and longterm, but I do not particularly care for it. All i have ever wanted is to build a home with someone and enjoy my/our lives.

I am struggling with the endless wait and the not knowing. I am beginning to get a little paralysed at the thought I might be alone forever. It keeps me up. In the past I have been able to push this down or away, but I can't do that anymore. I find that I do not know how to cope with the feelings that I'm feeling, and would love some words of wisdom for working through this.

Tork

Those choices of words make me wonder are these guys using your unwillingness to have children as an excuse to break up? It is a handier explanation for them, instead of the usual "It's not you, it's me" type reasons. When you told this guys that you definitely didn't want to have children, what did they have to say? Did they ever tell you clearly what they wanted?

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

Those choices of words make me wonder are these guys using your unwillingness to have children as an excuse to break up? It is a handier explanation for them, instead of the usual "It's not you, it's me" type reasons. When you told this guys that you definitely didn't want to have children, what did they have to say? Did they ever tell you clearly what they wanted?

Thanks so much for your reply, Tork. In terms of the reasons I have heard, I think I have been through them all by now:
- wants children, we date casually until something more serious comes along for them
- they say they don't want children but this turns out to be they don't want children with ME
- they accept what I say but then end up saying they thought I would change my mind
- they are up front about wanting children when I say I don't, and the dating ends

I am just having a bad week I think, feeling at a loss on what to do. I have tried being on the apps and not being on the apps. I have put in my dating profile I do not want children, I have brought it up straight away, I have held off on bringing it up. Any way I do it just seems to turn people off and be unattractive. My fundamental reasoning for my choice is to do with family/upbringing/parents. I have told this background to two men I was deeply involved with, I feel like it is also a turn off to deal with someone with a lot of baggage.

I suppose I am feeling like I am 'too much to deal with' and am not really offering much (not having children). I would not think this of anyone else who makes this choice but it is how I feel at the moment.

Make It Real

Tricky situation, salthillpr0m, and I feel for you.

A few quick things:


- Everyone has their own reason for being alive. Some people to create new lives, some people to enjoy their own lives, all kinds of shades in-between and crossovers, of course. Your reason is valid (and your words touched me), so you shouldn't let go of yours or talk yourself down on it.

- There is a group of men who genuinely don't want kids. I'd assume its bigger than the group of women who don't want kids. Think of it as a numbers game or a waiting game as you work your way to the 'right one' who is out there. Be the best you can and handle the kids issue as best you can. But don't waste anyone's time and don't have yours wasted.

- Let's talk about the "baggage"? Have you resolved the baggage to any degree? Is it light enough and you're comfortable carrying it? Or is it a heavy load, loaded on your back, weighing you down? If the latter, would you like to be free of it? What would you get by dealing with it? For yourself, first and foremost? How might that change you, or your outlook or how your relationships with other people work.


The future isn't set in stone - you can change it in a moment!


Hope this is of some help and let me know if I can do any more for you.

bitofabind

That's a tricky one. What I'll say first of all is fair play for going about it in a fair and honest way. Most people want children, so what you're coming up against is of course very difficult but probably what is to be expected. It might take a while for you to find someone you click with who thinks the same way and wants the same things as you. So try to keep the faith.

And I'd agree with the previous poster about your 'baggage'. Is it holding you back in life and in relationships? We all have baggage, however I've recently discovered the things in your past you don't deal with head on will keep coming back to bite you until you make your peace with them. They can lead to immense unhappiness, poor decision making and attraction to toxic situations in a general sense. If there's more work you need to do here, perhaps it's time to prioritise that.

ztoical

salthillpr0m wrote: »

I want a relationship so badly at this stage I am verging on desperate if i'm not already there. I have a deep need to feel close to someone - to me, that is the 'whole reason I'm alive'. My job gets me by and is thankfully stable and longterm, but I do not particularly care for it. All i have ever wanted is to build a home with someone and enjoy my/our lives.

This need for a relationship might be why you end up with guys who want kids OP. I'm a woman in her late 30s with no kids and no plans to ever have any and didn't find it to be an issue when dating. I enjoy being in a relationship but never found myself with so deep a need for one that it overrode everything else. My career, hobbies and friends all fill equal parts of me and didn't change when in a relationship. It could be two things you are either attracting people who desperately want a relationship like yourself and once in a relationship realize you've not got a lot in common or as mentioned you attract guys who assume your need for relationship equals a need for kids.

I don't understand why you aren't up front from the start. There's no need to wait for the right moment, once a woman hits a certain age the assumption is she must want kids before that clock runs out so I made sure to just say from the start 'BTW no interest in kids" Its a deal breaker so saves a lot of stress and heartache to just be upfront.

I would be a little concerned that being in a relationship is all you are focused on. Long term thats not healthy. Seen it happen to friends, all great to start but once the honeymoon period is past what then? You don't sit staring into each other eyes forever. You need interests and hobbies to do both together and separate for a healthy long term relationship especially if you aren't going to be caught up with kids.

Daisy78

This problem may resolve itself as you get older. Once the option (biologically) of having children is no longer there it won’t be something that is a consideration in forming/maintaining a relationship. The men you meet and who are genuinely interested in getting to know you won’t have that at the forefront of their mind, it’s out of the equation and they know it. Probably takes a lot of pressure off too because you don’t have to have the big talk about where the whole thing is going and where children fit into that. I’m guessing that you are late twenties/early thirties? What I would say is continue to be upfront about your intentions, don’t lead anyone on in the hopes they might fall for you and change their mind about the whole thing. Having/Not having kids is a life changing decision, one most people don’t tend to change their mind on. The truth is you can meet someone at any age but it takes patience and an open mind (and heart) to find a relationship that you are happy in. You could be 45 when you meet the right guy, would that be so bad? In the meantime do whatever makes you happy, invest time in yourself, take time to learn new things, meet new people. Maybe take some away from the dating scene, it sounds like you could do with a break from it. Being in a desperate place is never a good start to any potential relationship and you are not doing yourself any favours by obsessing about it in the way you are now.

cj maxx

As others have said, it's tricky.
However I'm actually angry at the guys you opened up to about your ' baggage'.
We all come with baggage of varying degrees and to be with someone is to be with their baggage. Whether helping with it or just being a shoulder to lean on.
You had a lucky escape from them. There will always be an excuse for that type of guy.
I hope that makes sense a good luck.

kob29

Do you online date? It might be useful filtering mechanism....upfront it in your profile and weed out those that it's a dealbreaker for
from the start. Others along the way will use it as an easy out if they're not interested anyway but it may also clear the road to putting most of your energies into those of the same mindset (and there are many). You'll probably get a little backlash from those with kids online-but just dont reply.

3DataModem

OKCupid has a filter for "doesn't have kids and doesn't want them"