Struggling with break up

LegacyUser

Hi all. My partner and I split this weekend. We were only with each other for a year, I am 41 and she is a few years younger. It was a great romance but the last few months I had become a bit cold and was pushing her away. I didn’t really realise I was doing this until she broke down and told me she can’t do it any more. I don’t know why I got like this, she was everything I wanted in a woman. I think I can find myself thinking negatively sometimes and this was reflecting on how I was around her. She had tried to tell me but I didn’t listen. I am devastated but have to respect her decision, she was so upset and it is killing me that I have made her feel like that.
I was single for years previous to this, saw some women on and off but no one ever did it for me until I met her. And then I f*cked it up. We never had any big rows or anything but she’s right I didn’t always listen to her and now it’s too late. I think maybe it’s because I have been heartbroken before and maybe too cynical. Maybe I was somewhat held back by my thoughts on these things. Maybe I need a new mindset but I was quite content when I met her.
I am alone now and have no one to talk to. Covid isn’t helping matters. I just don’t know how to deal with this now at this age I thought she would be my partner for life and I pushed her away.
I have to take it on the chin, we said our goodbyes and I am not going to contact her again.
I forget how to deal with these things and just feel completely lost now. I couldn’t have asked for a better woman and if I couldn’t make it work with her I am left with little faith.
I would love some advice on how to get through this I am so alone.
Thanks for reading.

leggo

I relate to you a bit OP. I remember I went a good few years without a relationship, then the first one I had after cut me deep like it was my first break-up, even though like yours it wasn’t a long term relationship that had gone on years. It’s true that you forget how to deal with it. So I hope you can take some solace in knowing that what you’re going through is normal and it will be something you recover from in time.

The tried and true best way to get over a break up is to simply start a new life without that person. Take your time to grieve and mourn the relationship loss, or else you won’t be able to as it’ll eventually catch up with you, but when you feel ready and are sick of the grief then do start a new life and don’t feel bad for doing so.

Change your routine (I appreciate that that’s extra tough to do in this current period, or may actually be easier depending on your circumstances), take up some new hobbies, do nice things that you’ve been meaning to but putting off, make new plans for the future for yourself. It really works. Instead of living the same life with an ex-shaped hole in it and missing them, what will happen eventually is that your brain will see your new routine as normal, will start to look forward to new things, until you wake up one day and don’t think of your ex at all. And you’ll be okay with that because you’ll be following a new path.

That’s the roadmap and it works. But do it at your own speed and as you feel ready.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

I relate to you a bit OP. I remember I went a good few years without a relationship, then the first one I had after cut me deep like it was my first break-up, even though like yours it wasn’t a long term relationship that had gone on years. It’s true that you forget how to deal with it. So I hope you can take some solace in knowing that what you’re going through is normal and it will be something you recover from in time.

The tried and true best way to get over a break up is to simply start a new life without that person. Take your time to grieve and mourn the relationship loss, or else you won’t be able to as it’ll eventually catch up with you, but when you feel ready and are sick of the grief then do start a new life and don’t feel bad for doing so.

Change your routine (I appreciate that that’s extra tough to do in this current period, or may actually be easier depending on your circumstances), take up some new hobbies, do nice things that you’ve been meaning to but putting off, make new plans for the future for yourself. It really works. Instead of living the same life with an ex-shaped hole in it and missing them, what will happen eventually is that your brain will see your new routine as normal, will start to look forward to new things, until you wake up one day and don’t think of your ex at all. And you’ll be okay with that because you’ll be following a new path.

That’s the roadmap and it works. But do it at your own speed and as you feel ready.

Thank you leggo. I've been through the wringer before but it still sucks. I've been totally blaming myself for it all but thinking about it tonight she made a lot of assumptions about me and how I feel without actually talking to me properly. She said I pushed her away but I think she may have been doing the same to me. But in fairness I had been a bit off the last few months. It just sucks because we had the very same interests and there were always things for us to do.
I have no family here they are all abroad and I don't really have that many available friends any more, my best ones are abroad. And covid just amplifies all this mess.
Maybe I'm just not good at relationships.
It's kind of annoying because I was so content before I met her, I always advocated for having to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else.
I actually think relationships make me a bit down and bored once I settle in to them. After the initial year or so I've always found myself getting a bit down. I don't know wtf is up with that.
I know I will get over this and rebuild and I'll be in a good place in a few months but there's no point in ever going into a relationship again if this is going to happen. I've never had a problem meeting women so I know I'll have plenty of opportunities but another rinse and repeat of this mullarkey is pointless. I do need love and intimacy though so I don't know what to do.
She was in bits earlier talking to me and I know she'll be alone now crying and that's killing me.

hairyprincess

If you know what you did wrong are you not willing to work on changing it? It seems you had a good relationship, it would be a shame to throw it away without making some effort.

If you want her then fight for her.

LegacyUser

hairyprincess wrote: »

If you know what you did wrong are you not willing to work on changing it? It seems you had a good relationship, it would be a shame to throw it away without making some effort.

If you want her then fight for her.

She made it clear she is finished with me. She's not the type to f*ck around. I have to respect that. I guess I have no one to talk to now so I wanted to put this up here for support and advice. I have to accept she's gone. I could message her till the cows come home but I've already said how I feel to her and can't say anything else.

Tork

Did/do you love her? That isn't clear from your thread at all. You talk about this relationship and her in very odd terms. It's as if she was just grand and that it was nice to have a girlfriend at your age.

If you love her, why the hell are you just shrugging your shoulders and letting her go? If there is any chance at all that this relationship can be saved, why aren't you doing anything to try and fix it? Yes you fecked up but the relationship might be saveable if you took steps to sort out your issues. If you're as emotionally stunted as you appear to be, you'll just repeat these mistakes again and again.

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

Did/do you love her? That isn't clear from your thread at all. You talk about this relationship and her in very odd terms. It's as if she was just grand and that it was nice to have a girlfriend at your age.

If you love her, why the hell are you just shrugging your shoulders and letting her go? If there is any chance at all that this relationship can be saved, why aren't you doing anything to try and fix it? Yes you fecked up but the relationship might be saveable if you took steps to sort out your issues. If you're as emotionally stunted as you appear to be, you'll just repeat these mistakes again and again.

Yeah I love her. I didn't just shrug my shoulders, we were speaking on and off for 24 hours but there's no changing her mind. I have to accept that and leave her alone. Badgering someone who dumps you is the worst thing you can do.
But yes the worry is I'll repeat these mistakes again, so I don't know how to rectify that.

Dog day

Hi OP, sorry you’re going through this. You mentioned you were already content when you met her.

When you look inward are you normally happier in a relationship or on your own? Not everyone wants a long term relationship however it seems like you’re truly regretful that this one hasn’t worked out. As a previous poster stated perhaps this one is worth fighting for.

Try to understand why you perhaps look at things negatively sometimes, work on that & the effect it has had on this relationship, if it’s something you can change, try to address that with a view to seeing if you can try to make it work with her, she sounds like she’s worth the effort. Best of luck.

Tork

strugglinghelp wrote: »

Yeah I love her. I didn't just shrug my shoulders, we were speaking on and off for 24 hours but there's no changing her mind. I have to accept that and leave her alone. Badgering someone who dumps you is the worst thing you can do.
But yes the worry is I'll repeat these mistakes again, so I don't know how to rectify that.

Therapy?

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

Therapy?

Hi and thanks for your replies. Yes I'd like to try therapy. I've tried before but I found it hard to get a good therapist. One woman I saw was just so bad and it doesn't help that it's so expensive. I'm going to look into it today.

bitofabind

Can you look a little closer at why you ended up self-sabotaging a relationship that you say you were happy and content in? Was it fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt again, inability to communicate effectively?

I second the suggestion of counselling, often how we behave in relationships is deeply ingrained and it requires some time looking more closely at the underlying causes in order to change to healthier behaviours.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

Can you look a little closer at why you ended up self-sabotaging a relationship that you say you were happy and content in? Was it fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt again, inability to communicate effectively?

I second the suggestion of counselling, often how we behave in relationships is deeply ingrained and it requires some time looking more closely at the underlying causes in order to change to healthier behaviours.

I think it was all of those things. After a while I get this kind of fatalist attitude thinking oh well we're gonna break up eventually she's going to leave me until it becomes self fulfilling prophecy. She was so crazy about me up until a couple of months ago when I started going downhill. I don't know maybe I'm depressed?
It doesn't help that I had started drinking almost every night and this definitely affects my moods. I'm determined to not drink starting today, any time I give it up I am in an infinitely better place.
I don't even know if counselling is possible right now with covid but I'm looking online in Dublin.
I am finding it hard to eat and can't even bring myself to shower today, but I took the week off work so hopefully I am in a better place in a few days.

Porklife

strugglinghelp wrote: »

I think it was all of those things. After a while I get this kind of fatalist attitude thinking oh well we're gonna break up eventually she's going to leave me until it becomes self fulfilling prophecy. She was so crazy about me up until a couple of months ago when I started going downhill. I don't know maybe I'm depressed?
It doesn't help that I had started drinking almost every night and this definitely affects my moods. I'm determined to not drink starting today, any time I give it up I am in an infinitely better place.
I don't even know if counselling is possible right now with covid but I'm looking online in Dublin.
I am finding it hard to eat and can't even bring myself to shower today, but I took the week off work so hopefully I am in a better place in a few days.

Ah alcohol...you can always rely on it to **** things up. The nightly drinking would definitely have played a part in the demise. Perhaps you're like me and when hungover feel quite down and view things negatively. I become fatalistic and self sabotaging too so I can relate to that.
If you can clear your head and not drink for even a few nights you may start to feel differently.
I'm sorry you're going through this Op. Break ups suck no matter what the reason but who knows what is around the corner for you.

cj maxx

Just to add to porklife a +1 on the alcohol. When it becomes a habit I can find myself sacrificing quality time with someone just to relax with a beer or two , and feeling bad about it the next day only to rinse and repeat.
I've also found dating in your 40's very very different to 20'sand 30's with regards to drinking and generally burning the wick at both ends . It's generally a no-no.
Take the chance now with covid19 to give yourself a break from drinking. Read a book or do crosswords in the evenings etc etc or anything else that will help you not dwell on things.
I can't help you on how to deal with the breakup apart to emphasise that there's truth in the saying ,life begins at 40 and it's always darkest before the dawn etc . They're clichés I know but it doesn't make them any less true.and most of us have felt like you at one point. It sucks but take the chance to build a new normal. Don't get that few cans with your next shop. That little thing that needs doing in the house, do it.
good luck

s1ippy

About becoming distant; a lot of men have this tenancy and if your partner didn't give you a fair chance to rectify the situation (you mentioned 24 hours) once they alerted you to it, I would imagine that either they were looking for an excuse to jump ship or they are a mean, impatient person with low tolerance for others.

Unless you're absolutely besotted and feel like they're irreplaceable, I would say move forward positively because you could have dodged a serious commitment bullet there. There's a possibility that you even got the sense that they weren't the person for you and unintentionally sent out signals to that effect, which ended up with the right outcome - freedom from somebody who demands but gives little back. You can learn from this experience and really invest in those who are worth it.

Enjoy being single, you can try new things with people, take risks and be adventurous! The end of a relationship is hard but time is a great healer and life is absolutely packed with possibilities now.

Hope you get over the jolt of it quickly... have a drink if you want (if it's something that you'll enjoy and will take your mind off it), but if you're worried about making a habit of it, stay very conscious of not using it regularly like a crutch. Definitely talk to friends and family about it as much as you can or need to. Drop me a PM if it'll help. Best of luck to you, OP and I hope you have some fun times with whoever you next encounter.

LegacyUser

cj maxx wrote: »

Just to add to porklife a +1 on the alcohol. When it becomes a habit I can find myself sacrificing quality time with someone just to relax with a beer or two , and feeling bad about it the next day only to rinse and repeat.
I've also found dating in your 40's very very different to 20'sand 30's with regards to drinking and generally burning the wick at both ends . It's generally a no-no.
Take the chance now with covid19 to give yourself a break from drinking. Read a book or do crosswords in the evenings etc etc or anything else that will help you not dwell on things.
I can't help you on how to deal with the breakup apart to emphasise that there's truth in the saying ,life begins at 40 and it's always darkest before the dawn etc . They're clichés I know but it doesn't make them any less true.and most of us have felt like you at one point. It sucks but take the chance to build a new normal. Don't get that few cans with your next shop. That little thing that needs doing in the house, do it.
good luck

Thanks for this. Yeah that rings true, I was happy to sit with some beers instead of doing stuff with her some nights. Thinking I was having a great time. Then this affected me the next day. I've realised that I just wasn't willing to commit to a new kind of life, my old ways are not compatible with a normal relationship, so I need to knock them on the head, I'm not in my 20s any more. There is no point in me going out with someone again unless I sort myself out, the old ways will just return. I didn't have any booze last night so that's a start, and weed is gone I wont get any more, I'll take it one night at a time.
I managed to get a half decent sleep last night and my friend in England demanded I go to her Zoom yoga class at 0730 before work so that had me feeling good, even though it's bloody hard work. I'm going to go for a jog later too. I also have a counselling session arranged for 5pm, which I'm really nervous about but I have to do it.

About becoming distant; a lot of men have this tenancy and if your partner didn't give you a fair chance to rectify the situation (you mentioned 24 hours) once they alerted you to it, I would imagine that either they were looking for an excuse to jump ship or they are a mean, impatient person with low tolerance for others

She did bring it up once or twice, but I didn't really analyse it much. I just thought it's grand we've never bickered we spend good times together, but on reflection now she was very hurt. One time I was supposed to go to a family thing of hers but I was so nervous about it, she has a huge family and they're all very lovely but I'm from a small family and not used to these kinds of gatherings and I'm not as social as her generally, I panicked and just said no I can't do it and didn't go. She said I was never the same after that. I think maybe that was the moment I subconsciously realised I either had to be an adult and get real with things or get out of the relationship but I kind of stayed somewhere in between until we broke up.
I really regret this now and I wish I had made the decision to sort myself out back then. It took this heartbreak to get my sh*t together. I know I will soon be in a far better place physically and emotionally and I know I wont drink any time soon, but I just wish I could have done all this when she was still around.
I seem to let myself go a bit in relationships and end up being a bit miserable. I need to talk to the therapist about this later.
Blurgh... it's hard to write all this but thanks for reading, it's helping. I have no one else to talk to right now.

bitofabind

strugglinghelp wrote: »

It doesn't help that I had started drinking almost every night and this definitely affects my moods. I'm determined to not drink starting today, any time I give it up I am in an infinitely better place.
I don't even know if counselling is possible right now with covid but I'm looking online in Dublin.
I am finding it hard to eat and can't even bring myself to shower today, but I took the week off work so hopefully I am in a better place in a few days.

Sorry to hear that OP. I think as you get older and have been through the emotional wars, it can be more and more difficult to be open and available to someone and it sounds like that's what's happening here. Counselling is the best way through this kind of behaviour because it gives you a better understanding of yourself, you can deal with the past issues that are causing these behaviours and move forward positively.

I'm doing counselling sessions over the phone at the moment so it's definitely an option - keep researching and I'd advise you to start calling around.

The alcohol thing is a no brainer, you definitely need to knock that on the head before it becomes a bigger problem. You don't need to be told how detrimental that will be to your mood and sense of self-esteem. Now is a good time to try to adapt more positive habits and behaviours. Do you exercise? Even if it's just getting out for a walk every day, I advise getting into a routine with it.

s1ippy wrote: »

About becoming distant; a lot of men have this tenancy and if your partner didn't give you a fair chance to rectify the situation (you mentioned 24 hours) once they alerted you to it, I would imagine that either they were looking for an excuse to jump ship or they are a mean, impatient person with low tolerance for others.

It's an incredibly painful, damaging and lonely experience to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Which it sounds like the OP is. Clearly it comes from a place of pain for him, but we can only each be accountable for ourselves and sometimes the best and most responsible thing you can do for yourself is to walk away. I doubt it's been an easy decision for her either and certainly not one that she should be condemned for.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

Sorry to hear that OP. I think as you get older and have been through the emotional wars, it can be more and more difficult to be open and available to someone and it sounds like that's what's happening here. Counselling is the best way through this kind of behaviour because it gives you a better understanding of yourself, you can deal with the past issues that are causing these behaviours and move forward positively.

I'm doing counselling sessions over the phone at the moment so it's definitely an option - keep researching and I'd advise you to start calling around.

The alcohol thing is a no brainer, you definitely need to knock that on the head before it becomes a bigger problem. You don't need to be told how detrimental that will be to your mood and sense of self-esteem. Now is a good time to try to adapt more positive habits and behaviours. Do you exercise? Even if it's just getting out for a walk every day, I advise getting into a routine with it.

Yes alcohol is gone, I become a far better functioning person when it's not in my life. So I have to try a new path and see where I end up. I wasn't supposed to work this week but I went back in today, so I'm working from home right now, well trying to.
Counselling is at 5pm today. I'm going to prepare a few things, I mean it's a long list, but I don't want to show up empty handed. Saying this stuff to a guy over a video session is pretty daunting right now but f*ck it I've nothing to lose.
Have you been at counselling for long? The last one I saw was lovely and all but I was paying her 80e an hour for advice like try eating half a banana before bed to help you sleep, and ah sure you're grand if you only drink twice a week just don't go overboard. I couldn't believe she was a paid professional in an accredited organisation.
Yeah I exercise, not as much during covid, not helped by my extra beer during covid making me lazy, but I'll be able to do plenty every day now that I'm off it. My gym is closed obviously but I can run and do yoga and exercise at home.

It's an incredibly painful, damaging and lonely experience to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Which it sounds like the OP is. Clearly it comes from a place of pain for him, but we can only each be accountable for ourselves and sometimes the best and most responsible thing you can do for yourself is to walk away. I doubt it's been an easy decision for her either and certainly not one that she should be condemned for.

I get this now. I'll be scarred for life at how upset she was the other day, she completely broke down. I can't even think of it without crying. I did that to her. She's such an unbelievably sweet person. I just wish I had been more aware.
I have to collect some things from her place, I'll probably leave it a week or two. So at least I'll get to apologise again in person. Part of me is fantasising about us getting back together but my brain knows that's not possible, she probably realised I wasn't right for her months ago. At least I can take solace that such a lovely person will surely end up with someone equally as good and she'll be happy.
So I’ll get back to doing all the things I was doing before I met her, lots of exercise, eating really well, not much alcohol, meditating most days, I just need to figure out why the f*ck I let myself go when this wonderful person was around. I don’t know if the exhilaration of a relationship let’s me forget what I need to be doing to remain strong and happy.

bitofabind

Fair play OP. Sounds like you're doing all the right things.

And listen, it's done now. If I've learned one thing from counselling, it's that you get nowhere if you're starting off from a place of self-loathing and beating yourself up and reliving the past and "I should've done X, Y, Z". Self compassion is key. You did your best at the time and when you know better, you'll do better.

It's really difficult to reach that place emotionally and it can be a long process, because it's not as if you became the way you are overnight. For me it's been a lot of painful reflecting on family traumas and relationships and dynamics that I fell into in my earlier life, learning to run from uncomfortable feelings instead of facing them head-on. Learning that it's actually ok to face these hardships head on, that you can do that, it doesn't kill you and it's not your fault either, you're just human.

And most importantly, having someone that you feel safe doing that hard work with. Give yer man a go tonight but don't be afraid to rely on your instincts, it can take a few sessions to figure out whether or not a new therapist is the right fit for you. And it's ok if they're not either.

Great that you're getting into a routine with exercise, etc. Try to do the things that make you feel better, and feel at peace, without getting competitive about it. My pattern has always been black-or-white, I'm either living like a buddhist monk or I'm Shane MacGowan during his Pogues years, but in actual fact you don't need to be "perfect", you've just got to prioritise feeling better about yourself. What can you do every day to feel a wee bit better and more at peace with yourself? It can be as simple as getting an early night or doing a bit of yoga for 10 minutes in the morning. Baby steps. You'll be grand

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

Fair play OP. Sounds like you're doing all the right things.

And listen, it's done now. If I've learned one thing from counselling, it's that you get nowhere if you're starting off from a place of self-loathing and beating yourself up and reliving the past and "I should've done X, Y, Z". Self compassion is key. You did your best at the time and when you know better, you'll do better.

It's really difficult to reach that place emotionally and it can be a long process, because it's not as if you became the way you are overnight. For me it's been a lot of painful reflecting on family traumas and relationships and dynamics that I fell into in my earlier life, learning to run from uncomfortable feelings instead of facing them head-on. Learning that it's actually ok to face these hardships head on, that you can do that, it doesn't kill you and it's not your fault either, you're just human.

And most importantly, having someone that you feel safe doing that hard work with. Give yer man a go tonight but don't be afraid to rely on your instincts, it can take a few sessions to figure out whether or not a new therapist is the right fit for you. And it's ok if they're not either.

Great that you're getting into a routine with exercise, etc. Try to do the things that make you feel better, and feel at peace, without getting competitive about it. My pattern has always been black-or-white, I'm either living like a buddhist monk or I'm Shane MacGowan during his Pogues years, but in actual fact you don't need to be "perfect", you've just got to prioritise feeling better about yourself. What can you do every day to feel a wee bit better and more at peace with yourself? It can be as simple as getting an early night or doing a bit of yoga for 10 minutes in the morning. Baby steps. You'll be grand

Hey there are loads of things I can do every day to feel at peace with myself, doing some stuff at my mother's house (they're away), I know how much a picture of a deweeded back garden would please her, doing stuff on my own house, meditating, jogging, feeding the birds I've made friends with in my garden lately (a beautiful bluetit whizzed about a foot from my face earlier when outside). Practicing my music. Baking. Reading Hilary Mantel (this is turning into middle class bingo...)
These are all things I can do when I'm looking after myself.
I don't really know if relationships are possible for me now, it's not a big deal to me once I get used to being single, I'm just going to focus on being a fit and clean and spiritual person now, maybe like Russel Brand's latest Rasputin lookalike zen master...

It's funny because I pretty much had the exact same relationship when I was 25 with a beautiful girl who's heart I broke because I became distant after a while without even knowing it, it's only now I can see the similarities. Mr Therapist better have some answers dammit.

bitofabind

strugglinghelp wrote: »

It's funny because I pretty much had the exact same relationship when I was 25 with a beautiful girl who's heart I broke because I became distant after a while without even knowing it, it's only now I can see the similarities. Mr Therapist better have some answers dammit.

Well identifying there's a bit of a pattern there is a good first step. A huge difference in me since I've started therapy is knowing what my patterns are and while there's things I've been trying to change, there's also ways that are just inherently me that I can now communicate with the people who care about me.

For example, I went down the rabbit hole this weekend and needed a bit of time to myself, so I made a point of 1. telling my family and friends "I'm feeling a bit introverted this weekend, but let's catch up next week" and 2. making sure I made plans to get out of the house because too much of my own company and I can begin to get in my own way.

In your case, it might be working to be a bit better at communicating when you need space, and setting expectations with your next partner that it's something that will happen sometimes, setting those boundaries and also dealing with your past issues so you feel less afraid to let people in.

Best of luck this evening. We are all a work in progress