Normal people has triggered past trauma and lost love

wurzlitzer

I posted this in AH I started simple and went for a ramble an realised it does not belong in AH but here sorry mods.

I had purposely avoided this show because the trailer had made me cry so much. On Saturday decided after having a tough week at work to sit down and watch it, it’s Tuesday and I could not go to work today and yesterday. I am still reeling from it the emotional impact this has had on me has been enormous everything single scene triggered me I have had all their experiences over a seven year period in one way or the another I even spent time in Italy and Sweden during that time. like Conall I used to go and stare at paintings in galleries for long periods of time.

I was bullied at school for being bright I was a loner and constantly got detention for airing my opinion in class and backchat for being a bolsheveik , I nearly got suspended. I had to repeat fourth year because I had Mitched school so much because of the bullying. But I wrote good short stories essays and had a folder full that I would adapt from time to time and people would commission essays in return for pints I once ran away from home for a week. I wrote poetry and drew a lot. These are things that I abandoned when I left school.

I went to college in Dublin dropped out as it was a course my mother had forced me to do coz it was a pretentious college I found it hard to fit in and developed depression after my grandmother passed away in our house. so I dropped out and started work with other college dropouts in a factory until I decided to go back to college and do with my life. I met my first love there it was love at first sight also a college dropout. we bumped into each other at a concert in Galway and hooked up and it was sort of behind closed doors kept as clandestine, when we starting seeing each other like this as he was seeing someone else for two months nothing serious they had been thrown together in a social group and he had no interest and he stopped seeing her and we went public. After five month mark we were in a relationship after spending the first three months of that sleeping with each other behind everyone’s back and it turned out everyone knew and would tease us about it later. He was my second sexual experience, and first and only sexual partner for the next five years and I was his first despite him being a year older than me.

I went back to college to study Science and made new groups of friends which he found prententious and boring. He had decided not to go back until he had savings which turned out to be five years later. Not all of my friends were pretentious and I have one that I am is still in constant contact. In the first year When we fought he would turn up at my apartment a little drunk, I even had a Peggy character at the time that had come on to us. He was so painfully shy. He used to drink a lot the first year I met him but after we had been together he cut back on drinking I drank the same he never lectured me he found it amusing coz I let go a bit and I also found him amusing when he got drunk from time to time which was not often and he used alcohol less to hide his shyness.

He was from Dublin and lived with his parents who were from the countryside and they would go home from time to time and I would call round and we would have sex all day take baths eat ice cream and watch football and he would make me cups of tea and we had those long silences and he never asked me to do anything sexually in those seven years that I did not want to do.

When he would come round to my apartment we used to read a lot he bought the paper and we used to sit in silence so content. We would go on his bike and get fish and chips in howth or Dun Laoghaire and just look out at the Sea.

In April Of my Second year we moved in together with my sister and lived together two years and half until he moved home for financial reasons rent was getting expensive. He wanted to buy a car and he needed it to travel to work.He could not cook the first meal he made me was stew in a tin and smash and he laughed so much I remember sitting there in shock eating it out of politeness because he made the effort. He was practically in tears laughing. .During that time when people would call round for drinks and food we experienced a little friction. Guy friends used to touch me or provoke me about books we were reading or tell me how pretty my eyes were and it would annoy him just a little but he was not into public displays of affection unless inebriated but would be very intimate behind closed doors. After the two years of living together when he moved out the pain was immense and I fell into a kind of depression and we had a bust up after four months one weekend, miscommunication it was his birthday and he arrived outside my apartment asking me to let him in and we ended up sleeping on the floor in the sitting room as I shared a bedroom at the time with my best friend from college and remember thinking as it was four months after we moved out that this is the person that I loved more than anyone in the world that I missed him and that when we were together we were whole and we did not need to speak.

That Autumn I went on Erasmus or Socrates to Sweden I was apprehensive about it. His parents were leaving Dublin and moving home for good and we decided when I got back to move in together.
I had experienced emotional abuse from my mother and then sexual abuse but not full sex in school and later on that autumn in Sweden someone broke into my room and attempted to rape me and I had to move apartments and then also while in Sweden had a short two weekend fling with someone who treated me badly. When I came home from Sweden I was seriously underweight almost anorexic. While I was there I emailed my boyfriend for five years at the stage every single day and talked to him on the phone every single day before work. He came to visit me and I experienced once again that love. Wanting to tell him what had happened When I came home we moved in together but after two months he got sick and was in hospital for ten weeks and when he came home we were meant to move in together for the third time as I was going to look for a job related to college and had moved into a box room in a friends house. but he moved in with his parents who had moved to the country. Like the first time when we had lived together for two years but he moved home for financial reasons he was on social welfare. I was okay with that but now I felt betrayed we were meant to be starting our lives together. I believed strongly at the time we would get through this like everything else. But he was proud and he did not want to be a burden on me financially having struggled for five years.

As when he got sick he had to take a year off we had the conversation that I would get two jobs and that I would support him and hadn’t we always got through it and we had that moment were we said why does everything have to be so hard. We never got a lucky break

When he moved home, to his parents who had moved back home to the countryside for good which was five kms coincidentally from my parents. I moved to the south of the country and we would see each other once a month and we talked everyday, he would visit me.
I would also visit him when I headed home he would pick me up and drive me home to my parents. I remembered one day when he visited me down south we were reading I got a phone call that my mother had cancer and he did not look up from what he was reading and not give me a hug he did not know how to comfort me because I had always been the strong one. I remember sobbing my heart out and he looked at the page. But now I know the medication he was on made him withdrawn at times and it was the first time someone we both knew had been diagnosed with cancer and it was going to be hard again. My mum had visited him in hospital and had been kind to him in her own way.

The following July I was going through a rough patch, I don’t know if he could tell by my voice that I was down he drove over 300 kms to see me. I was shocked to see him in the doorway as he had to drive back as he had work the next day and never missed work. He had done this a few times after this during this period as he felt he was losing me he had always tears in eyes when he saw me and we would hug. It felt like home.

A year later after he had submitted a portfolio he got a college degree course in the south and I was living for another year in another southern city but would eventually move back to Dublin a year later because I was so homesick for the city.

he moved to this southern city and got the course he had applied for and he was brilliant. During that last year I encouraged him and looked at his drawings and thought that I wish I could go on that adventure with him, I was so jealous of him he was actually going to do something he loved he had been an amazing self taught artist and as I loved art too was jealous that I had given up drawing. Although both of us we were artistic we never showed anyone what we drew.

Four months after he started college we had a long goodbye just after Christmas I had decided to break up I still loved him but I felt I was holding him back and never told him what happened to me in Sweden we spent a week in a long goodbye, sleeping together making dinner eating fish and chips going for long drives along the coast and reading.

The last conversation from that time we sat in a cafe and he told me he loved my smile and that he had kept every single email I had written him in Sweden. I had written to him every day then I realised that was the time I felt so close to him through those emails we had expressed feelings that we never expressed though spoken words yes we had told each other we loved each other but those emails were so full of love. He decided now that If I wanted to break up that he could not be friends it was impossible and that he was worried that other guys would hurt me and that his biggest fear was that guys would not treat me right in the future as he said he had seen how guys would grab me and touch me and make remarks. He could not have been more right.Although I did not see it at the time. I had been shielded from this as my father had been a feminist.

Although I had difficult relationship with my mother I had a wonderful relationship with my father and the two years before he died when he was in hospital I would just hold his hand and tell him I loved him and it would bring me back to when I sat with old boyfriend in the same hospital seven years earlier. Just weeks before my father died myself my brother and sister were sitting in his hospital room his palliative nurse came in and talked to us for a few minutes there was sparse dialogue among the four of us she left the room abruptly I followed her out she was upset and she broke down crying and she said sorry I just had to leave , I could feel the love in the room it was so palpable. I remember looking her is the eye and telling her I know what you mean. She just burst out crying more. It’s those intimate moments that people communicate with their eyes that should be cherished.


When my first boyfriend left me at the train station for the final time and as the train pulled out of the station that was the last time I seen him on the platform as someone that had belonged intimately to me with tears in his eyes and a melancholy smile. We just stared at each other as the train pulled off.

Two years later I rang him drunk after I had broken up with someone who I had been in a relationship for a year and a half and treated me so badly, he drove to Dublin to see if I was okay I had no recollection of the phone call. He called to my apartment I had given him the number I was in shock I had blacked out the phone call and I could not believe I rang him. He did not come in he just said can we go somewhere and talk. We went for a coke in a Pub that we used to frequent and he said I was worried about you, I was so hungover I was ashamed he seen me like this all I wanted to do was for him to take me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be alright but we just sat there Across from each other with awkward silences and he said that was there anything i wanted to say to him. I wanted to tell him I loved him with very cell in my body but I was ashamed of how hungover I was and for ringing him after two years of no contact he had said we could n’t be friends it would have been too hard for him. He finished his coke and left and that was the last time I seen him.


But he had been my best friend we could read each other’s minds at times. I still wake up every morning thinking he is beside me.

He bought me my first bike in Dublin for my 21 birthday, my first proper phone I still have the number my first camera my first stereo and all for which he had no money just some savings. During the first five years we spent so much time in his room in his single bed listening to music and having the most intimate sex that I have not experienced since and never will.

He had this beautiful thick chunky silver chain he would wear around his neck In the car on journeys home for Christmas he would squeeze my leg and put his arm around me one time the stereo broke down so I sang songs all the way down they were awful but he laughed all the way at what a clown I was.

Every time we had a set back it felt like it was related to money etc we both worked 40 hours a week during college. Out of frustration at times his eyes would well up and he would say why is it so hard for us why does everything have to be so hard? I would say it will all work out. But it never did for us. He used to say time and time again he it never goes plain sailing for us like it does for normal people. it frustrated him that he saw everyone else progressing in life but we always hit obstacles that we had to overcome. Like money illness etc

He made me a better person in those years, I made him a better person we grew so much together but I had a lot of pain that I never communicated with him because of shame and he came from a family that was working class but very reserved. He was eager to settle down I wanted to travel a bit then settle down. My mother was emotionally abusive during my teenage years and although she is less so, even less so in the last four years. It had made me so stubborn also I was so independent yet wanted us to be dependent.

I had bought him a ring that he loved and he used to twist it all the time he wore everyday for seven years.

I recently found a necklace he bought us after six months together when we decided it was a relationship it was Halloween we were nineteen it was one of those soul mate chains that are broken in two. One part of for each person. We wore them for a while but he went back to chunky silver chain, I wonder does he still have his?

I had a couple of long term relationships since and after my third one decided to go to therapy for six months in the meantime my father had died and I felt broken I was in so much pain. I had been in relationships were I was feeling disconnected. I heard through people that he qualifies, he met someone he got married and has children his mum still asks my mum about me his dog died which makes me sad. As the dog used to sleep at the bottom of the bed and we used to take her for walks. it’s strange. My mum does divulge just a little info as I go quiet and leave the room when he is mentioned. It’s just too painful to know he’s having a life without me but I am glad he is happy.

I still love him and I know he still loves me, I still have photos in my parents house of that time.

To this day when relatives and friends mention a memory he was part of they go all quiet and stop, knowing that he was the one that got away, he was so compassionate and kind.

I remember reading love in the time of cholera that day in July before he drove 300kms to see me I remember lying on the grass crying and thinking this was the saddest book I had ever read. I had chosen not to read ‘normal people’ because of the title and the subject matter as I had remembered how I felt when I read love in the time of cholera. My life has been far than normal and when I seen the trailer I could see this series could affect me and I had cried by the end and decided to avoid but Saturday I was feeling low and lonely and thought it’s probably not that relevant. I cried for six hours. It has been therapy and painful and I feel I need to seek counselling for what happened to me in Sweden.

I have left out so much of the story how words were hard to come by and it was not until I had other long term relationships that the intimacy we had was something so unbelievable rare, we did not need words to communicate we could read each other’s minds, we were already whole. He never was cruel only three or four instances in seven years he said something mean and on three occasions he was in the right and on one he was wrong. He had no annoying habits and he had learned to cook and had moved in with a Chinese guy who was teaching him to cook Asian food which I always loved and he always made me cups of tea even though he never drank tea.

I miss him and I still love him and I think and know I need therapy after watching the series it has brought up much pain and emotion and I am feeling nostalgic for that love we had. I wrote a poem about him that I never showed him it was probably the best poem I had ever written it was modelled on one of Shakespeare’s sonnets. I don’t know where it is.

That saying...

it’s better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all ....

I used to think that this was true buts it’s not right now I wish I never loved because the loss feels now so immense and painful

But I am glad to have had him in my life for seven years from the age of 19 to 26, probably the happiest I have ever been and ever will be.

Hannibal_Smith

Thank you for your post Wurzlitzer,. Can I just clarify, are you looking for advice on how to deal with what the TV program has triggered for you? Or how to get over the feelings you have?

wurzlitzer

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Thank you for your post Wurzlitzer,. Can I just clarify, are you looking for advice on how to deal with what the TV program has triggered for you? Or how to get over the feelings you have?

I suppose I need to know if I need to go to counselling as I found it all my depression anxiety and pain came back and feelings of hopelessness and grieve that’s it I don’t know if this will pass or if I need to seek help again especially as I did not deal with a lot of issues in prior counselling session over a six month period:

Hannibal_Smith

Thank you for clarifying.

I think you should contact your counsellor again. It's good that you have one. It might be an idea to print or save your post here and show it to them. Maybe highlight the parts that you are finding the most difficult to process.

Chances are it will pass, but getting help in achieving that means moving on in a healthy way.

Tork

I spotted your post in After Hours and thought to myself that this person really could do with talking to someone. Despite what the naysayers are saying on AH, the reason why Normal People is resonating with so many is that it feels so real and authentic. It mightn't be our own personal story but it could've just as easily happened to one of your friends or someone you went to school with. The series seems to have unlocked a torrent of unresolved issues for you. There's an awful lot of intense emotion in that post you wrote and it makes me wonder how happy you truly are. If ever you were looking for a cue to go back to your therapist, this is it.

Maybe it's time to unsubscribe from that Normal People thread on After Hours too? I have a feeling it's going to get a bit ugly.

Airyfairy12

It sounds like youve had a really tough couple of years with the death of your father, your mothers health scare, Your move to Sweden which should have been an exciting new experience but turned into such a truamatic event, along with the abuse you suffered from your mother, these are all reasons as to why you should be in counselling, it really sounds like you havent dealth with any of these issues.
As for your ex, it sounds to me that youre not happy in your life and looking back on your relationship with him thinking 'what if?'...
I hate the phrase 'The one that got away' as it implies there is only one true love for you and you will never love anyone that much again. Thats not true and you cant predict your future, you dont know what or who is waiting around the corner.
I think it's quite normal to think back on a first love and feel nostalgia and longing for that person, he's conncected to your younger years before your dad got sick, before Sweden happened, when life was a little bit simpler. I also think young love is so hard to let go of as it's so intense, you go into relationships with your heart on your sleeve, as people get older they become more cautious and less willing to jump straight in with their emotions, relationships dont tend to be so passionate and intense as we get older. Your first love will always have a spot in your heart, I think it can be said for allot of people.
It sounds like you have a really hard time letting go of the past, you cant change anything that happened, all you can do is learn from it and focus on your future.
Id really suggest speaking to a counsellor though, particualrly a grief counsellor as to me, it really sounds like youre grieving allot of loss in your life.

Larbre34

Counselling.

A number of things happening led me to Counselling 4 years ago and I still go regularly, best thing I ever did. Its different for everyone but the universal bit is, time. It takes time and lots of it, but trust me, you deserve the effort.

As for the programme, it doesn't surprise me what a catalyst it is for people's long dormant feelings. Its incredibly evocative, I can see so many reflections of myself in Connell at that age, how I treated others, how I treated myself. I imagine bits of it are everyone at some point. It left me feeling a weird soup of nostalgia, jealousy, frustration, regret and a sort of homesickness.

ILoveYourVibes

Go back to a therapist. I am not sure if its possible during lockdown. But maybe they can help online. Maybe you could journal too.

Just know that the situation has passed. These are feelings they will pass too.

Take care of yourself. You sound like a sensitive person
x

dubstepper

wurzlitzer wrote: »

it’s better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all ....

I used to think that this was true buts it’s not right now I wish I never loved because the loss feels now so immense and painful

I don't have much advice to offer but I, like you, thought about the quote on having loved and lost. I'm not as convinced about that now. I have moved into the 'eternal happiness of the spotless mind' phase now.


I have a similar experience and would suggest counseling. I did it last year and it helped. Getting someone to look at your experiences and walk through them with you. It will help you move on from an unsolvable problem.

kowloon

That show is going to need its own support group, hit me like a punch to the gut. I'm Male and nearing the end of my 30s, this programme wasn't made for the likes of me. You're not alone.

LilacNails

Haven't watched it, not going to either cause it will probably bring unwanted emotions for me also.

kowloon

LilacNails wrote: »

Haven't watched it, not going to either cause it will probably bring unwanted emotions for me also.

I'm sure there are plenty of people, college-aged and under, who are wondering what the big deal is. It made me aware just how dysfunctional I was and still am. So much opportunity wasted and damage done.

Airyfairy12

kowloon wrote: »

I'm sure there are plenty of people, college-aged and under, who are wondering what the big deal is. It made me aware just how dysfunctional I was and still am. So much opportunity wasted and damage done.

Ive heard this from so many people, even people id never expect it from. Do you know where it can be watched for free online? Ive only seen it on the rte player but I do not have the patience for rte player.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks, if we could all just bear in mind that this is Personal Issues and the OP has come here seeking advice. If you have any constructive advice to offer the OP, you are welcome to give it.

If you wish to discuss the TV show, there is a thread here in Television dedicated to it.