Living with a Family Member You Don't Like

morgans12

Hi there,

My apologies as this is quite a long one. I’ve made a new account because some friends know my general username.

I have recently returned home to care for my elderly parents during the lockdown. I have a great relationship with them and genuinely enjoy their company. However, I can’t say the same for another family member, who also lives in the family home. While we get along well enough on the surface, I often walk away from our interactions feeling drained and frustrated.

I have examined the root cause of this tension, but I think it comes down to a simple personality clash. There was never any major event or argument that precipitated this tension and the aspects of her behaviour that I find frustrating are patterns that she shows with everyone (although more intensely with me). For example, she's very passive aggressive generally, but often makes negative judgements about choices I have made (which have no direct bearing on her), and not in a constructive way. If I try to explain why I have made a certain decision, she is not interested and shuts down the conversation. She hates getting into debates with other people/ talking things out, but while she would usually refrain from giving her opinion on other people's life choices in the first place, she has no problem passing judgement on mine.

She also doesn’t enjoy small talk in general, making it difficult to build up any sort of camaraderie. If I ask about her life, she'll give short, often one-word answers. I think some of this stems from the fact that my parents are very involved in her life and she wants to keep what she can private. If we talk about the news, and I disagree about anything (I don’t mean strong, angry disagreement - literally even saying ‘ah I don’t know if that’s all it’s cracked up to be...’), she gets defensive and shuts the conversation down. She also makes clear that she thinks people who talk about themselves are self-centered. She refers to other people as ‘boasting’ all the time, for example for just saying how they had a holiday planned.

I have accepted for the most part that this is just the way she is and there is nothing so can do to change her behavior. But I often find myself speculating about what I am doing that prompts her apparent frustration/dislike of me and to what degree it is personal. Personally, I really like to know where I stand with people so I find this quite unsettling. In the past, I have tried being open about feeling a tension between us (in a very non-judgmental way) but she said he thought talking was 'new age 60s bull' and shut down the conversation.

Since then, I’ve tried to limit our interactions but that’s not really an option given we are now living under one roof. I often find myself trying to start up conversations but then getting frustrated when she acts dismissively etc.

Given that I can't change things, any advice on how to live with someone that you just don’t like very much and not let the tension get to you?

Neyite

I'm chalk and cheese with one sibling. We get on great from a distance but in the same household after a few weeks we'll really get on each other's nerves.

I found that having zero expectations and a good sense of humour helped me massively. In differences of opinion I just don't get into it, and when they say something that I'd disagree with massively I don't react or engage really. And I've stopped trying to have a relationship with them. I'm much closer to other siblings and of course that's been commented on to a third party (their flying monkey) but the reply was that my other siblings like me as a person, have built up a friendship that we value and make an effort to stay in touch. It takes investment to get to a relationship that we have and if they didn't want to invest in that then they can't be forced.

Day to day it's probably best to let small stuff slide but don't be a pushover either, because likely their attitude towards you would get worse. Best of luck. It can't be easy being locked down with someone so prickly.

morgans12

I think your last point - knowing when to let things slide and when not to be a pushover - is the one I struggle most with. For example, my parents get up quite late due to old age, so I use the mornings to get work done. I stay in my room as it's where I have the most peace and quiet and where my desk is. Over the past few weeks, she has commented more times than I can count on my 'sleeping it out' until midday. I actually often meet her in the kitchen when I first get up around 8am, and have explained that I use the time to work, but she still says the same thing. I find it very hard to stomach her badmouthing me to my parents in this way, knowing full well it is not true, but I know that if I question her more on it, it'll only lead to more conflict and it's not exactly the biggest issue in the world. At the same time, I get frustrated with myself for letting her treat me this way.

It's only really small things like this, but they really build up after a while and lead to resentments.

Caranica

Is there a reason you had to move back to live with your parents when she was already there? To me it reads as if it's put her nose out of joint?

That's not excusing how she's treating you OP but it seems that there's an important part of the story missing?

JeffKenna

Why did you move home? Did you discuss it with your sister who was living at home before you moved?

leggo

Clashes like this are never personal attacks, even if the person means it as a personal attack. We clash with someone because we either see something we don’t like about ourselves (but often can’t see in ourselves) in them or because they notice something about us that we don’t like about ourselves. So for example, her being judgemental could go right over the head of your parents who dote on her, and maybe her friends are all judgemental too so it’s not an issue there, but you pick up on it as a negative so she notices it herself and lashes out at you as a result.

But really, in that case, you wouldn’t be wrong or alone in disliking judgemental behaviour, so it’s not about you, it’s her issue. She’s just not willing, or simply doesn’t know how, to change so the easiest solution for her is to vilify you. That’s what I mean about it not being personal. That’s just one example of what can cause a clash, not me trying to say that that’s what it is btw.

The truth is acceptance that that’s who she is is your solution. Doing it is another thing. I struggle with this too because I’ll pick up on aspects of people that I care about’s personalities that are effectively dealbreakers for me, but I also don’t want to lose them from my life and keep all the parts I like about them, so I’ll resist that. But it’s a losing battle and the quicker you accept that and move forward, the better.

The only real thing you can do if you want to try repair the relationship is have a Come to Jesus meeting with her. Approach it from a positive POV in saying that you’ve noticed a clash, and you care about and like her and don’t want it to have negative consequences for your relationship going forward, so can you figure out a way to both coexist? If she’s open and receptive to hearing you, and you’re open and receptive to hearing feedback she’ll likely have to, then you won’t change each other fundamentally but you can create a new way to dance around these differences now they’re on the table. Aside from that, just accepting it and biting your tongue is the only real option until it’s possible for you to move out. A clash is a clash and it takes really willpower and work for people to move past that fundamental difference, if that will isn’t there on both sides, there’s nothing to be done beyond minimising their impact on your life.

morgans12

I moved home because my parents normally have a part-time carer. My dad has a severe health issue and my mum can't manage on her own. With covid we thought it was better not to have a carer coming in and out of the house and also, I wanted to spend some time with them as I'd been abroad for a good portion of last year. She was fully in favour of this.

I know it seems like there's something missing - that's why I often find myself obsessing over this because I don't really understand it myself - but I'm not really sure that there is, at least from my end. She may well have her own side to this story, but I'm clueless about it because she's never actually open about it. I'm also not sure to what extent she feels this tension and am aware that I might be being overly sensitive. For these reasons, I've given up on speculating and just want to find a way for us to live together. I thought at one point that she might be resentful of the fact that she's taken on more responsibilities at home than I have, but when I started to do more, she was also annoyed because I didn't do things the way that she would have liked.

I honestly think, as I said, that it's just a personality clash, coupled with a lot of unfair judgements that never get challenged because everything is brushed under the rug.

This is not new - This tension has been there for years but I generally ignore it. It's also not only directed at me - If she ever has any minor disagreement with my parents, she won't discuss it. She just ends the conversation or leaves. There's no malice in this, I think she's just the type of person who sees no point in airing things out. But it means that nothing ever gets resolved and the same issues keep cropping up. It's been a source of tension between her and my dad, who says he never feels like he can sit down and have a cup of tea with her without her getting annoyed and leaving.

Biting my tongue is hard. It's not fair to say that everything 'sets her off' because she's so subtle about things, but it's very hard to say much at all without her expressing some annoyance.

seenitall

Hi OP,

This person sounds like a very unhappy one. I really can't imagine what it must be to live in such an irritable skin, day in day out. She sounds like she's deeply unhappy with herself, or her life situation or something close to home, anyway. Ergo, the irritability, the judgment, the lashing out, the head games and the shutting down.

If I were in your shoes, I'd just hold my counsel with all this in mind, as much as possible, and try to keep the peace, unless the head games become a bit too much (I would rate her "only getting up at noon" story to your parents as really on a lower scale, actually rather pathetic when you think about it, so it wouldn't have the power to rile me up, although I appreciate this is no fun and is challenging for you).

What I'm trying to say is just count your lucky stars you are not her, and count the days til you're out of there again. I also have a sibling who is deeply, overwhelmingly unhappy in themselves and their life, with a really awful self-destructive tendency in everything they undertake, and so sensitive about it that the only way they could deal with my concern and rationality about their situation was to start treating me like dirt and cut me out of their life (I suspect they have a mental health issue, as I'm not the only family member they did this with; they simply cannot bear to be confronted with a rational approach to emotional issues - the irrationality and compulsion win out every time). So on the strength of my experience, I would just advise you to not expect a whole lot here, bide your time and get the hell out of dodge once you have fulfilled your duty to your parents. I suspect every single one of you will be the better for it, as sad as that sounds.

Neyite

morgans12 wrote: »

I think your last point - knowing when to let things slide and when not to be a pushover - is the one I struggle most with. For example, my parents get up quite late due to old age, so I use the mornings to get work done. I stay in my room as it's where I have the most peace and quiet and where my desk is. Over the past few weeks, she has commented more times than I can count on my 'sleeping it out' until midday. I actually often meet her in the kitchen when I first get up around 8am, and have explained that I use the time to work, but she still says the same thing. I find it very hard to stomach her badmouthing me to my parents in this way, knowing full well it is not true, but I know that if I question her more on it, it'll only lead to more conflict and it's not exactly the biggest issue in the world. At the same time, I get frustrated with myself for letting her treat me this way.

It's only really small things like this, but they really build up after a while and lead to resentments.

The digs like that can grate all right. You know though that she knows full well that you are up and working. She's deliberately saying it to get a rise out of you. My tactic -and I appreciate it might not work with your relative - is to make a joke out of it: "yeah, I slept it out so well that I completed X report for my boss that wasn't due until next Friday". Have a think about why she's making that remark. You are the first up in the house, and cracking on with work so as someone who's touchy as anything, she would of course take it as you showing off, and feels she has to take you down a peg or two.

Something is feeding her insecurites. If she's at home all the time and soley caring for your parents then she may feel inadequate next to you? Or jealous? Or even just adjusting to the dynamic of the home.

And you know,it's ok to reasonably call a halt to all the asides and remarks and say that it's an adjustment for all of you and that you are finding her comments quite unpleasant -you are the only one who knows whether she would be delighted or aghast at you saying that. My relative would LOVE to know that her barbs hit home so I make sure she never finds out if they do. I aim for amused indifference which seems to work nicely.

Caranica

morgans12 wrote: »

I moved home because my parents normally have a part-time carer. My dad has a severe health issue and my mum can't manage on her own. With covid we thought it was better not to have a carer coming in and out of the house and also, I wanted to spend some time with them as I'd been abroad for a good portion of last year. She was fully in favour of this.

Does she not help? My point was why did you need to come back if she's already there? It reflects badly on her surely?

rolling boh

Maby you coming home has disrupted her routine a bit and she might have been thinking about the house a bit down the line . Was she doing what you are doing now more or less so you coming back may have put her nose out a little .She does sound a little unhappy in herself though and of course there are loads of people who we get on well with but in small doses .

HildaOgdenx

This is a fairly crap time for lots of people, who are suddenly in close proximity, all day, every day, so just a few thoughts as an outsider to your situation.

Maybe she thought everything was going along fine, and then you arrived. I know you said she agreed with the idea of you moving in, but now it's probably just tougher than you both thought.

Did you ever get on well together, even as children?
Are you there until this thing passes over and the carers can return or are you back there for good?
You don't have to answer either of those questions, btw.

I have one sibling that I could not live with, long term. We get on well enough, mostly because I do a bit like Neyite mentioned above, and don't let myself be drawn into what I see as manipulative behaviour by that sibling.

I'm not trying to excuse your sister's behaviour, btw. It sounds like she is struggling too. She doesn't want to talk about it, so that isn't an option. In relation to the comments about lying in, or whatever, I think I would just laugh them off. Your parents probably don't care if you are working or lying in, so don't worry about that.

I think I would just keep the peace for the sake of your parents, try not to dwell too much on the reasons that you two don't get on. There's a very true saying that we can pick our friends but not our family, and not many families (in my opinion) are like The Waltons, if truth were known.