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Struggling with loneliness

  • 08-05-2020 6:08pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭


    This is going to be a long one, I think, so thanks in advance for taking the time to read it.

    I very much struggle with loneliness in my live and the people that I do have in my life, I'm just not sure if it's worth keeping them around, but cutting them out would mean I literally have no-one here, no friends or family other than my parents who live 1500 km away from where I am and see once a year (they live abroad).

    I do have a boyfriend, but we have our problems, mainly in the bedroom. I openend another topic on that earlier this year so won't go into too much detail again but the short version is is that the sex is painful and not enjoyable at all. There are also some compatibility issues, mainly that I feel he's nitpicking over things to an unreasonable degree.

    I find that I struggle to move on because of two things: 1: I would even be more alone then I am now and secondly, I'm not a good looking woman. My boyfriend and I bonded over the fact that we are both introverts and struggle with social interactions and I guess he didn't mind that his gf is not someone you'd proudly show off to your friends, which is sweet, but I doubt other men will be so forgiving in that regard. It really feels like if I break up, that's it, it's going to be damn hard finding anyone else, if at all.

    I have two other siblings, a younger and older sister. I don't really see my youngest sister, she has a family of her own and has very little time which I understand and respect. The only other person I am in contact with is my eldest sister, but it seems like everything I do is wrong in her eyes. Every time after I've met up with her, I just feel like there is no point in doing it anymore, as she'll always find something to criticize. She knows my relationship isn't ideal, and will berate me for that, but conveniently forgets that up to a year ago she had massive relationship issues herself that she'd constantly call and text me for, of course expecting a emphatic ear but seems incapable of doing so herself. As she is verbally much stronger than me she'll just shut me down and I'm left wondering why I even showed up in the first place.

    I just feel really down right now, I have no friends and appear to be incapable of making ones. I'm always the odd one in the group because I struggle with small talk, have a strange sense of humor to the extent that I got into trouble at work over it a few months back. The dynamic is always (if people decide to talk to me in the first place) is that they talk, I listen, and as soon as I mention anything about myself they check out. It's like people only want to use me to talk about their troubles but are not interested in me as a person. I'm always caught between thinking that I'm going to pick up a new hobby or go to a meet up and maybe this time it will be different and knowing that it's not going to be that and end up being right :(

    It just feels like where-ever I go people just don't want me around and just decide I'm to weird to deal with. It's a sad thing to have to conclude that your social life isn't influenced at all by a pandemic, as no-one would call or text even before that and I certainly didn't have places to go. I just feel really stuck.

    Thanks again for reading..


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭Upforthematch


    Hi Op,

    You have really poured your heart into this - I felt I just had to reply.

    I don't have any amazing advice to offer only to respond to these two points and make a suggestion...

    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    I find that I struggle to move on because of two things: 1: I would even be more alone then I am now and secondly, I'm not a good looking woman. My boyfriend and I bonded over the fact that we are both introverts and struggle with social interactions and I guess he didn't mind that his gf is not someone you'd proudly show off to your friends, which is sweet, but I doubt other men will be so forgiving in that regard. It really feels like if I break up, that's it, it's going to be damn hard finding anyone else, if at all..

    I'm not sure do you realise how self-deprecating this description you give yourself is. It really stands out from the rest of your post.

    Be PROUD of who you are! Please think of three nice things about yourself.
    Learn to love yourself even a little bit (most people are well able to love themselves!!) It will make it easier for others to love you, for you, too!
    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    The dynamic is always (if people decide to talk to me in the first place) is that they talk, I listen, and as soon as I mention anything about myself they check out. It's like people only want to use me to talk about their troubles but are not interested in me as a person. I'm always caught between thinking that I'm going to pick up a new hobby or go to a meet up and maybe this time it will be different and knowing that it's not going to be that and end up being right :(
    .

    I'd say you are right. I have personal experience of this. The vast, vast, majority of people are thinking about themselves so much they don't listen about others.
    That doesn't make them bad people by the way it just means that you don't put emotional investment into the vast majority of your conversations with people. A person is lucky to meet a handful of people in their lives who are genuinely interested in them. When you find them hold onto them!


    My suggestion: You mention a few points about cutting people out of your life. Are these people abusive? If so, yes cut them out.

    If they are simply ignorant, selfish or just not on your wavelength, I would suggest that now is not the best time to prune back on your communication. Things are really tough for people at the moment, they will probably be more ignorant, selfish or out of sync than usual. BUT, it's the time to rise above it and it sounds like you are well practised at this!

    They tend to say don't leave a job without a new job lined up. Don't cut back on your contacts when no-one has the opportunity to make new ones.

    It also sounds like you would appreciate a chat to talk about your bigger life plans- perhaps you could consider engaging a counsellor or life-coach via an online session?

    Just a few thoughts op! All the best!


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,368 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Hi Jenneke, you are so down on yourself. I really believe that we teach people how to treat us and by the sounds of it youre not getting the respect you deserve.
    You may not have to cut out all these people from your life but maybe if you worked on assertivness skills you could put down some boundary lines which could improve your relationships long term. There is no point in trying to make new friends when you are in a cycle of being walked on and belittled. The only people you will attract into your life will be no good for you and you end up back at square one. That said, if any of these people are genuinly abusive you must leave them and stop all communication.

    The only way to fix that issue is to work on yourself, what could you do that would give you some confidence?
    You said youre not an attractive woman, I dont know what you look like but in my experience, I worked as a beauty therapist for 4 years, ive seen people of all ages, shapes and sizes come into the salon looking one way and leaving looking like a different person. Majority of people out there are not conventionally attractive, they spend allot of time and effort making the best of what theyve got. They leave with their head held a little higher and feeling good about themselves.
    Im by no means suggesting that looks are the most important thing but when you feel good about how you look, it does give a little confidence boost, I also think, paying a bit of extra attention to youself in that way, it's really self care and putting yourself first, which does effect general mood and self esteem. Instead of focusing on what you dont like about how you look, focus on what you do like and pay attention to highlighting those features.
    Keep in mind, you wont be doing it for others you'll be doing for yourself and your own self confidence, self confidence is much more beautiful than any physical attribute.

    Id make a list of things you want to achieve over the year, they dont have to have anything to do with making friends or relationships, jut thing you would like to achieve for yourself like learn a new skill, do a course, find a hobby, invest time in yourself, try to become comfortable with yourself and learn your self worth, then try to put yourself out there and make some new friends.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,029 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Jenneke87, I remember your previous threads.

    First off, if sex is painful you need a referral to gynaecology Sex shouldn't be painful. Speak to your GP.

    Secondly, would you really rather be in a bad, unhappy relationship than no relationship at all? Have you thought of the possibility that it is actually your bad relationships that is holding you back from meeting other people? You say you are an introvert. So are thousands of other people in the county! You have no confidence. You are in a relationship with someone who knocks your confidence on a daily basis. So you stay there because you have no confidence to move on.

    You need to make a decision. And honestly, I think the best decision you could make is to be on your own for a while. This time will allow you the space to figure out what you actually want from your life. I'm sure counselling has been suggested to you in your other threads, but you really should look into it. And counselling needs to be looking at yourself. Why you have allowed your life to take this turn and remain stagnant for so long. Why you have remained in a relationship where you are being belittled and insulted.

    You are looking at not being in this relationship as a bad thing... but look at your title. You are in a relationship and "struggling with lonliness". That's not good or positive and it is unlikely to ever become good or positive. The only way to change you life and change your feelings of loneliness is to do something different. Yes, it may take you out of your comfort zone, it may seem like an insurmountable mountain, but it is possible and it is in your hands alone. Nobody is going to change your life for you.

    Think about what you want. Think about soemthing you like doing/would love to do and make the decision to go for it. It could be joining a book club, or a musical society (!), or a walking group, taking up an instrument, joining a band. It is down to you. But you need to make decisions.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,496 ✭✭✭corks finest


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    This is going to be a long one, I think, so thanks in advance for taking the time to read it.

    I very much struggle with loneliness in my live and the people that I do have in my life, I'm just not sure if it's worth keeping them around, but cutting them out would mean I literally have no-one here, no friends or family other than my parents who live 1500 km away from where I am and see once a year (they live abroad).

    I do have a boyfriend, but we have our problems, mainly in the bedroom. I openend another topic on that earlier this year so won't go into too much detail again but the short version is is that the sex is painful and not enjoyable at all. There are also some compatibility issues, mainly that I feel he's nitpicking over things to an unreasonable degree.

    I find that I struggle to move on because of two things: 1: I would even be more alone then I am now and secondly, I'm not a good looking woman. My boyfriend and I bonded over the fact that we are both introverts and struggle with social interactions and I guess he didn't mind that his gf is not someone you'd proudly show off to your friends, which is sweet, but I doubt other men will be so forgiving in that regard. It really feels like if I break up, that's it, it's going to be damn hard finding anyone else, if at all.

    I have two other siblings, a younger and older sister. I don't really see my youngest sister, she has a family of her own and has very little time which I understand and respect. The only other person I am in contact with is my eldest sister, but it seems like everything I do is wrong in her eyes. Every time after I've met up with her, I just feel like there is no point in doing it anymore, as she'll always find something to criticize. She knows my relationship isn't ideal, and will berate me for that, but conveniently forgets that up to a year ago she had massive relationship issues herself that she'd constantly call and text me for, of course expecting a emphatic ear but seems incapable of doing so herself. As she is verbally much stronger than me she'll just shut me down and I'm left wondering why I even showed up in the first place.

    I just feel really down right now, I have no friends and appear to be incapable of making ones. I'm always the odd one in the group because I struggle with small talk, have a strange sense of humor to the extent that I got into trouble at work over it a few months back. The dynamic is always (if people decide to talk to me in the first place) is that they talk, I listen, and as soon as I mention anything about myself they check out. It's like people only want to use me to talk about their troubles but are not interested in me as a person. I'm always caught between thinking that I'm going to pick up a new hobby or go to a meet up and maybe this time it will be different and knowing that it's not going to be that and end up being right :(

    It just feels like where-ever I go people just don't want me around and just decide I'm to weird to deal with. It's a sad thing to have to conclude that your social life isn't influenced at all by a pandemic, as no-one would call or text even before that and I certainly didn't have places to go. I just feel really stuck.

    Thanks again for reading..
    You're much better than what you think yourself,
    I
    My son 17 had similar issues, nobody likes me,I'm horrible, every thing i do is wrong etc ,vv self depreciation off the scale,
    It must be truly horrible for you to feel this way,
    I'm going to be blunt as you're an adult pls see your doctor - chat and make an effort for done form of counselling.
    I didn't see my son's signs at all but he actually was thinking suicide, brought him to Pieta house ,went through counseling and it changed his outlook completely,not overnight but several months of understanding that it's ok to feel crap about yourself now and then but not always
    Through counseling he understands he's needed/ loved and cared for
    You are too even though it's impossible for you to see this ATM but you will ,hang on,if religious pray, and go to your local church to see a priest/ minister/ lay person,
    There's an abundance of good qualified people waiting for you
    MAKE THE FIRST STEP CONTACT


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