Is 28 too young to settle down

Sharo222

I like a guy at work but he is a bit of a player. He is on tinder and he has friends with benefits with a colleague, he’s also flirty with customers, he’s good looking and gets a lot of attention from women. He told another colleague that he doesn’t want a relationship, that he just wants to have fun. I don’t want to flirt with him as I want a relationship and I know he doesn’t. I have accepted that we will probably never be together. He is flirty with me and has hinted at going for a drink but I'm too cautious to go there with him as I don't want to get hurt.
He is 28 now and I just wanted to ask in general if you think 28 is too young to settle down. My friend married at 25 and the marriage isn't doing too well, I heard that her husband said he was too young when he married. Just in general I'm wondering what age is a good age to settle down?

lalababa

There is no age to settle down. And what does settle down mean???? Only one sexual partner/kids/forever home?? You'll hear people say this and that, usually guys spouting s**t who are going through a mid life crises. It's up to the individual. I know people who got married early 20's, and it suited them.
I know people who are in their 40's with a smaller social life than married couples... who's settling down there??
You seem to not even have dated this guy yet and you are already thinking about whether he might settle down?
That is far from logical. Sorry🙂

Tork

What you're really asking here is if there's a chance you might be the one to tame this guy. You sound like you're already very invested in him but he probably sees you as yet another notch on his bedpost. With the information you've given us here, I would advise you to steer clear. If nothing else, getting tangled up with the office lothario is going to complicate your working life. There is no set age at which anybody, man or woman, settles down. The answer is far more nuanced and complex than that. If you're after a relationship, set your sights elsewhere.

Sharo222

Thanks for your replies. I definitely don't think of myself as the one to tame him, I would never want to undertake something like that. He would need to be ready for a serious relationship on his own terms, not by me trying to coax or manipulate him.
I have really fallen for him and I think he likes me, he acts really sweet, gets nervous around me, stares at me, etc but I'm being very standoffish with him but its obvious I like him as I get so nervous around him, its pathetic. I guess I'll just stay away from him and try to move on, easier said than done.

Dog day

Hi OP, re-read Torks’ post then read it again & again. It’s 100% spot on!

Katgurl

I think you're asking the wrong question. The problem seems to be that you're both looking for different things. If you want to go for a drink and get to know him a bit better then do.

amdublin

Katgurl wrote: »

I think you're asking the wrong question. The problem seems to be that you're both looking for different things. If you want to go for a drink and get to know him a bit better then do.

I.e. if you want to end up getting hurt and your heart broken then you should follow the above advice.

My advice is to read Tork's pist above. Then read it again.

Stay well clear of this fella! End of.

armaghlad

Sharo222 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. I definitely don't think of myself as the one to tame him, I would never want to undertake something like that. He would need to be ready for a serious relationship on his own terms, not by me trying to coax or manipulate him.
I have really fallen for him and I think he likes me, he acts really sweet, gets nervous around me, stares at me, etc but I'm being very standoffish with him but its obvious I like him as I get so nervous around him, its pathetic. I guess I'll just stay away from him and try to move on, easier said than done.

Why don’t you just go for a drink and see how things go? You might get to know each other better and there might be a genuine connection. There might not and he might just continue riding all round him. You’ve nothing really to lose though have you?

I don’t understand why some girls have this whole “want a relationship” thing set in stone. I want a relationship as well but I don’t make it explicit every time I meet someone. I wait and see how it goes first before saying where I want things to go.

Dial Hard

armaghlad wrote: »

Why don’t you just go for a drink and see how things go? You might get to know each other better and there might be a genuine connection. There might not and he might just continue riding all round him. You’ve nothing really to lose though have you?

A) they can't exactly just pop out for a drink right now and this has head wrecked and heart broken written all over it. He has literally told her who he is and what he wants (or doesn't want, as the case may be). Literally no good can come of this.

Neither of them are wrong, neither of them are bad people. They just want very different things, but the OP is the one who'll come out of it scalded if she takes your advice.

armaghlad

Dial Hard wrote: »

A) they can't exactly just pop out for a drink right now and this has head wrecked and heart broken written all over it. He has literally told her who he is and what he wants (or doesn't want, as the case may be). Literally no good can come of this.

Neither of them are wrong, neither of them are bad people. They just want very different things, but the OP is the one who'll come out of it scalded if she takes your advice.

Why not though. Just because two people want different things doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy time together. He could easily be dying for a relationship and she could end up getting hurt anyway?

Airyfairy12

armaghlad wrote: »

Why not though. Just because two people want different things doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy time together. He could easily be dying for a relationship and she could end up getting hurt anyway?

Doesnt sound like he's dying for a relationship and thats coming from the OP who is looking for confimation that he likes her the way she likes him. If he wanted a relationship he'd be in one, he has no problem attracting women by the sounds of things.
As mentioned, neither of them are bad people or have bad intentions but one is invested emotionally while the other is invested physcially, its a recipe for disaster as far as the OP is concerned.

qwerty13

I don’t think it’s question of age. I think it’s a question of his personality. So far, he’s shown himself to be not remotely into relationships, and to be interested in, well, having a lot of flirtations and a fair bit of sex. Which is grand, that’s what he wants. So I wouldn’t think badly of him for that.

Some of them though sound highly inappropriate (too many office liaisons - and did I read that right re customers??) I’d hugely disagree with playing around with customers or workmates.

You just sound diametrically opposed as to what you both want. Heartbreak and complications in work for you; moving on rapidly for him.

kowloonkev

The thing I'd be worried about is that he seems to have had some sort of relations with at least two other women at work. Do you really want to get involved in that? Sounds more like a high school than a workplace. If your job and reputation there is important then I would say steer clear. This guy doesn't exactly seem like a high flier.

On the other hand, if there's no risk there's no reward. You could go out with him but don't make it easy for him. You should know after a few dates if he's really interested or not. But you won't know if it's long term or not but that's a risk we all have to take at some stage.

armaghlad

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Doesnt sound like he's dying for a relationship and thats coming from the OP who is looking for confimation that he likes her the way she likes him. If he wanted a relationship he'd be in one, he has no problem attracting women by the sounds of things.

What I mean is: She could get into a relationship with someone (*anyone*, not just loverboy specifically) who also wants a relationship and end up being hurt regardless. My point is, if you really, really like someone, just go for it. It’s not as if the likely outcome is unknown. If it doesn’t work out, what’s the harm?

bitofabind

armaghlad wrote: »

What I mean is: She could get into a relationship with someone (*anyone*, not just loverboy specifically) who also wants a relationship and end up being hurt regardless. My point is, if you really, really like someone, just go for it. It’s not as if the likely outcome is unknown. If it doesn’t work out, what’s the harm?

Don't agree with this tbh. In fact if I could tell my 25 year old self anything, it'd be the opposite of this . Yes, love is about risk and taking chances, BUT it's also about knowing what your needs are and not ignoring them. That's the boring part that you don't see in the movies.

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, etc. If a lad is getting his kicks in messing around with women and telling all and sundry he doesn't want a relationship and flirting with everyone who crosses his path, 99% of the time this is how he's going to behave with you too. That's all grand and dandy, but the OP wants a relationship so she's setting herself up for so much more pain and frustration than if she had a wholesome, meaningful relationship with someone that ultimately didn't work out because life is like that sometimes.

I think we each have a responsibility to ourselves to look for the things we need in a partner and listen to the red flags, instead of following the "but I fancy him" feelz. Easier said than done I know. Yes, we should be open and take chances, but only when someone is demonstratedly worth taking a chance on - i.e investing time getting to know you, making room for you in his life, expressing the same desires and needs as you. Otherwise you're looking at a trajectory of pain and frustration and repeated heartache in chasing the wrong men and getting the same results.

zapper55

bitofabind wrote: »

Don't agree with this tbh. In fact if I could tell my 25 year old self anything, it'd be the opposite of this . Yes, love is about risk and taking chances, BUT it's also about knowing what your needs are and not ignoring them.

A hundred million percent. I'd be the same. This narrative that that commitment phobe guy might change when he meets you Is so damaging and a complete waste of time. Its certainly one of the reasons that some women are still single in their late 30's. And the very same people that say this line are the ones blaming the woman for not thinking about her biological clock before now.

Tork

Getting involved with this particular guy is the very definition of crapping on one's own doorstep. If he's "dying to have a relationship" he has a very odd way of showing it. He wasn't lying when he told a colleague that he wanted to have fun, rather than be in a relationship. Our OP knows it too, which is why she was asking is there an age where men decide they've had enough of that and want a girlfriend instead. The answer to that is, no. There is no way of knowing if/when this guy will move beyond the "just having fun" stage. I think we all know men who are still playing the field well into their thirties and beyond.

There is a lot of risk involved here. It's not just the potential for heartbreak here but the practicalities. If the OP takes a chance on this guy and it doesn't work out, she's going to be stuck working alongside him for the foreseeable future. It's bad enough to be left licking her wounds without having to see him every day. She'll be looking at him flirting with customers which won't help either. And let's not forget he's also shagging a colleague. Talk about awkward. The OP is rightly wary of getting involved with this guy. He currently wants something very different to what she does and that's not a good mix.

armaghlad

Ok first off, I haven’t once said he is “dying” for a relationship, so jot that down. Hypothetically he, or any other possible suitor, *could* be keen for a relationship; but OP still ends up getting hurt.

We live in the tinder age. Dating is much more fluid IMO than it was ten years ago. Back then online dating was for “sad bástards”, “losers” etc. Speaking more generally, pigeonholing yourself into only dating men who also only want a relationship is narrowing your options significantly.

PARlance

Sharo222 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. I definitely don't think of myself as the one to tame him, I would never want to undertake something like that. He would need to be ready for a serious relationship on his own terms, not by me trying to coax or manipulate him.
I have really fallen for him and I think he likes me, he acts really sweet, gets nervous around me, stares at me, etc but I'm being very standoffish with him but its obvious I like him as I get so nervous around him, its pathetic. I guess I'll just stay away from him and try to move on, easier said than done.

I know you've got plenty of people saying stay away, and I can see that argument BUT I really don't think you've much to lose (as long as you can keep it professional in work).

I'm 37, approaching 10 years of marriage and had no interest in relationships/was enjoying being young free and single (having had a bit of a name for it as well) until my now wife approached me at a work night out.

You both seem to like each other. Go for it, enjoy it, but be aware that he may not be interested in commitment. Give yourself a timeframe to see how it goes.

Tork

armaghlad wrote: »

Why not though. Just because two people want different things doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy time together. He could easily be dying for a relationship and she could end up getting hurt anyway?

I'm quoting your words directly. While you never said he WAS dying for a relationship, the words "easily dying" for one implies that he would like to be in one. He has said he isn't looking for one, the OP knows he doesn't want one and his actions back it up.

We are not talking here about "any other possible suitors". Everyone knows that if you go out with someone, you run the risk of having your heart broken. In this case of this guy, the chances are higher because for now, he is openly enjoying himself. The OP already knows this guy so it's not quite Tinder swipe right, is it? If she doesn't want to be another notch on his bedpost, that's her choice to make. The signs of this being anything other than a diversion for him don't look promising.

If she wants to risk going for a few drinks with him and seeing what happens, that's her choice. The stakes are high if it goes wrong though. Unlike when you meet someone on Tinder and it doesn't work out, she's going to be stuck working with him.

bitofabind

armaghlad wrote: »

Ok first off, I haven’t once said he is “dying” for a relationship, so jot that down. Hypothetically he, or any other possible suitor, *could* be keen for a relationship; but OP still ends up getting hurt.

We live in the tinder age. Dating is much more fluid IMO than it was ten years ago. Back then online dating was for “sad bástards”, “losers” etc. Speaking more generally, pigeonholing yourself into only dating men who also only want a relationship is narrowing your options significantly.

I think narrowing your options is a pretty positive thing to do if you're looking for a relationship. Saves you the headache of falling for a lot of the wrong guys IMO.

I don't think it's a black and white answer that the OP needs most. To me, it's not "yeah go for it, life is short" or "avoid him like the plague". The best answer from my point of view is - "what do you want and does this guy look like he's on the same page?" I'd have saved a lot of time and heartache if I'd asked myself the same question ten years ago but alas, feelings can get in the way of these things.

The OP is pretty clear she wants a relationship, this guy not only by his words but also his actions is demonstrating that he doesn't. Actions are important. We tend to communicate the most this way in relationships. I've never had a guy say to me "I'm looking for a relationship" but with my two long-term exes, it was clear that they were interested in more from the get-go. Things like pursuing me, not chasing sex, not flirting with other women in front of me, never advertising all their various hook-ups because they were serious about me.

HamSarris

When I was initially reading the OP I thought I might be one of those incel trolls trying to mock women – i.e., I’m a woman ready for a serious relationship so I’m going to get with the most emotionally unavailable man and then complain about how all men are pigs after he uses me.

Assuming it’s a real post, the answer is clear, in fact the guy has told you the answer by his behaviour. And of course guys like this will make you feel the most special girl in the world for the period you’re friends with benefits. Then the excitement wears off and he’s like, “It’s nothing to do with you it’s just I’m at a different stage in my life“ etc. etc.

And logically you know all this but if he asks you out you won’t give it a second to say yes – because the adrenaline high from a high status/attractive guy will always beat waiting around for a reliable average guy. And if this does happen at least you’ll gain some experiential knowledge about how the male brain works.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Trust your gut, OP. And the fact you're even seeking clarification on here speaks to you *knowing* he's a player and not after what you're after... But you're hoping somebody will give you the push to go for it.

Look, maybe you need to learn the lesson the hard way. Maybe you'll prove most of us on here wrong. But generally if a guy says he wants to play, he does NOT want a relationship. If you choose not to listen and he breaks your heart, that's on you.

The other alternative is to be right out blunt with him. If you have your intentions on either dating properly or a relationship developing, say it. If he's actually interested, he likely won't be scared off. If he's after his bit, he'll likely make his excuses and scarper.

Jurgen Klopp

Honestly OP, this has pump and dump written all over it

amdublin

OP your first post tells it all

You sound like a sensitive soul, For your own sake, stay away from this one!

cj maxx

OP. You're looking to settle down. , He's not. End of really.
If you want to chase it because you think you'll change him into settling down, good luck to you but I think your running up a blind alley with this guy

Purple Mountain

As my mother always told me when I came up against these type of guys (plenty of them): 'you can't change someone else, you can only change how you react to them.'

Emme

OP there is no set age to settle down but if a woman wants children she would be wise to think strongly about weeding out messers once she gets into her 20s. This 28 year old guy has "messer" written all over him. It's unfair but he can mess around all he likes until about 40 or so and then if he decides he wants to settle down and have children he can do so with a woman in her 20s.

I'm not saying you should look for guys in their 40s if you want to settle down and have children. I am saying to avoid messers and timewasters. Also it isn't good to have a relationship with a co-worker who can't be discreet (and this lad can't). It wouldn't reflect well on you and might be seen as unprofessional. Yes some couples do meet at work but for the sake of being professional they keep things discreet.

There's nothing to gain and lots to lose by getting involved with this guy. (1) He's a player and is likely to use you or string you along and (2) he's a colleague and not discreet about his work liaisons. You are 25, you can find better guys.

Big Bag of Chips

I take it you are a similar age, OP, mid twenties? You're young. And at that age you are allowed make a few mistakes! It's what prepares us for life and relationships. Very very few of us make the right decisions every time. Many of us have had a crush on someone that we knew wouldn't work out. There is every chance that if you do go out with this guy for a drink or whatever, that you'll have a bit of fun, a bit of excitement, you'll feel that thrill of being in a new relationships and looking forward to meeting him etc... but there is also a huge chance that you two won't end up "together forever".

So if you think you could handle a little bit of a broken heart when this ends then go for it. But don't go for it expecting it to be perfect and to all fall into place as a long term relationship. He sounds like a bit of a "lad".. but in his defense he's single. He's good looking. He's entitled to flirt with customers (the best sales people always do!!) He's not actually doing anything wrong right now. If you think you might like the chance to be with him (for a while) why not go for it? It may work, it may not. But we have to sometimes just take chances in life. Otherwise people would only get into relationships with someone they intended to spend the rest of their lives with.

That's a bit intense!

Edit: I missed the FWB thing with a colleague... That might get messy as there's already a relationship of sorts with one of your work colleagues! I still say at the moment he's not doing anything wrong. The question is whether or not you think you can handle it.

seenitall

Hi OP,

Even before getting to the 'reputation as a player' bit, I don't understand it that anyone would get involved with someone who is already knobbing someone else at work Why oh why would you be doing something like that to yourself? Guaranteed mess and heartache. It's not like men are a scarce resource in this world!

Now I wouldn't be saying this if you were a savy woman who can keep the head cool, make it only about sex and move quickly on (although this guy would still sound like a major turn-off; but that's me). However, you most obviously are not, in fact the signs are all that you are the exact opposite to that and need the exact opposite things. Recipe for disaster, OP.

You may indeed go through with trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with this guy, as people rarely take the advice they don't like, but I suppose you can then come back to this thread in a while and contemplate how and why you won't be making that kind of mistake again.

Hannibal_Smith

Mouth Breather, your post falls far below the standard expected here in PI. Not only that, posters are asked to offer constructive advice to an OP when replying to their thread and gender generalisations are not welcome here.

Please read the forum Charter before you post here again.