Feelings for Ex have resurfaced

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Long story short, went out with a girl for five year while at college. It was everything young love could be. In the end we broke up as our lives were going in very different directions. I wanted marriage, house, kids etc she was/is a free spirit and didn't want to settle down (we were around 26 when we broke up).

Fast forward 10 years and I am happily married with two kiddos and an amazing wife who I love dearly.

Well we started watching 'The 70's Show' recently and this is where my trouble began. One of the main characters in the show 'Donna' could be a clone of my Ex, both in terms of looks and character. However this character does want to settle down etc she has a high school sweet heart, quiet similar to my relationship with my ex. After a few days of watching the show i start to have dreams about my Ex and now I am at a point where I have a crush on her again. Or maybe I am lamenting about what could have been.

To be honest, I haven't thought about my Ex in years. I love my wife and don't want these feelings any longer.

Any ideas what I can do?

Ultrflat

You never loose feelings for some one you've loved there always there, Its a normal experience brought on by memories feeling emotions and life. What I would say invite them in feel them what ever it is your feeling except it. Know its the past and shut the door on it. Try not to obsess on the past. Its the past for a reason.. Look to the future.

Plus being on lock down your mind is probably very board which also does not help.

PS don't call your self an idiot you've done nothing wrong

LegacyUser

Probably just nostalgia, perfectly normal to entertain this notion of revisiting the past every now and then. No harm in it.

In terms of the practicalities of going back, unless you have a time machine there's no way to go back, you're a very different person to who you were back then and so is your ex. Unless you've kept in touch you're probably complete strangers by now.

It's 15 years since my relationship previous to my relationship with my now wife, I was with my ex for nearly 4 years. It was a good relationship, she was a decent person and I don't really have any regrets on that relationship; and even though I sometimes look back on that time of my life with a great deal of fondness, she and I are total strangers now.

In your own case, I bet (and I certainly hope) there are probably other phases of your life you look back on with fondness, while not exactly the same, in some ways looking back on a time with an ex is no different on looking back on that family holiday you enjoyed in your childhood or some of the silly/fun things you got up to with childhood/teenage friends or those first few months from when you started college when you started doing all these new things and meeting all these new people.

Don't overthink it - I think that's exactly what you're doing! From what you have said it sounds like you're very happy with where you are in life at the moment in terms of your wife and kids; different story if there were serious underlying issues that were leading you to question everything.

Airyfairy12

Sounds like nostalgia, its amazing how old feelings can resurface after years and years and they can be so intense, just keep in mind youre looking back at the relationship with rose tinted glasses but it's totally normal and happens to most people occasionally.
I recently went for a walk down a park I hadnt been to in 10 years, I happened to walk past the spot were I used to drink with my friends and ex when we were just getting together, I dont know why but for about 2 weeks afterwards I couldnt stop thinking about him and I missed him so much. Being realistic though, we are two very different people to who we were 10 years ago, if we knew each other now it's unlikley we would share the same connection we did back then. Despite how much love was there, we were too different for the relationship to work, why would it work now, 10 year later?
You really shouldnt focus on it too much as the more you do, the more you will become preoccupied, it's a slippery slope, you'll be searching her on social media and convincing yourself of all sorts. Distract yourself when you start thinking about her and soon enough the feelings will go away.

Faith

To be honest, it sounds like you have developed a crush on Donna and are mistaking it for your ex?

ted1

The far away hills are often greener.

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Thank you for all your responses. I'll admit I have looked her up on social media but I did also come to the conclusion that we are very different people now. Any contact between us now wouldn't do anyone any good.

Faith wrote: »

To be honest, it sounds like you have developed a crush on Donna and are mistaking it for your ex?

I hadn't thought of this.. it might make more sense to be fair.

Porklife

This is such a lockdown thread ðŸ˜႒😌ðŸ™႒

Tork

It sounds like a bit of a perfect storm really. That 70s Show is a piece of nostalgia and the sort of TV programme designed to make you look back fondly on your younger years. Even though you are hopefully happy with your life as it is now, I'm sure there are times when you wish things were simpler. When you were with your ex, you weren't juggling family commitments, paying a mortgage(?), your career, your marriage and all of the other stuff being a 36 year old man throws at you. This lockdown isn't helping either. It's not normal for people to be cooped up at home for so long and it is tough for everyone. It has more or less put us all under house arrest and has got most of us dreaming about places we'd like to go when this is all over. Is it possible that aside from you having a crush on the character/actress, your ex represents a life that you're missing a bit at the moment. You haven't given us any details of what your relationship with your ex was like but I'm going to guess that it was fun, spontaneous and a bit unpredictable. You inevitably gave up some of that when you started your own family.

Maybe you might use this as an opportunity to think about ways to help your own marriage? Perhaps when this is all over, you might want to take a short break with just you and your wife so you can recharge your batteries? Or go away with your kids to somewhere fun where you can all have a blast. You ended your relationship with your ex because your lives were going in different directions. You now have what you wanted at that age which is really great. Maybe it just needs a bit of freshening up? Having something to look forward to in the future might help take your mind off your ex too.

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

It sounds like a bit of a perfect storm really. That 70s Show is a piece of nostalgia and the sort of TV programme designed to make you look back fondly on your younger years. Even though you are hopefully happy with your life as it is now, I'm sure there are times when you wish things were simpler. When you were with your ex, you weren't juggling family commitments, paying a mortgage(?), your career, your marriage and all of the other stuff being a 36 year old man throws at you. This lockdown isn't helping either. It's not normal for people to be cooped up at home for so long and it is tough for everyone. It has more or less put us all under house arrest and has got most of us dreaming about places we'd like to go when this is all over. Is it possible that aside from you having a crush on the character/actress, your ex represents a life that you're missing a bit at the moment. You haven't given us any details of what your relationship with your ex was like but I'm going to guess that it was fun, spontaneous and a bit unpredictable. You inevitably gave up some of that when you started your own family.

Maybe you might use this as an opportunity to think about ways to help your own marriage? Perhaps when this is all over, you might want to take a short break with just you and your wife so you can recharge your batteries? Or go away with your kids to somewhere fun where you can all have a blast. You ended your relationship with your ex because your lives were going in different directions. You now have what you wanted at that age which is really great. Maybe it just needs a bit of freshening up? Having something to look forward to in the future might help take your mind off your ex too.

I think you have hit the nail on the head really. When I was with my ex we had no commitments, bar each other. So we often went away on the spur of the moment or spent days do 'nothing'.

Truly, I am very happy with my wife. I love her very much and often wish we met earlier in our lives. I wouldn't change a thing about our lives together.

We have already started to plan a holiday, but great advice.

I would just like to thank everyone for your responses. I thought I was over reacting, but maybe I just need to give myself a break.