Not sure if this relationship can be salvaged

LegacyUser

I've being living with my girlfriend for more than 12 months and dating almost two years. The last 7 of 8 months have been extremely difficult and we have been fighting a lot in recent months. I'm not sure what else I can do as I've always tried my best with her.

I'm 34 and she's 29. The issues we have being having as a couple have coincided with issues she's being having in work. I don't want to put it completely down to get work situation but it's definitely been a factor. She was very much bullied by her old boss and left the company as a result, without raising it with HR. I tried my best to get her to speak to HR but she wouldn't.

She joined a new company and now the issues seem to be happening again, where she's being treated like sh*t by the person she reports into. She has raised it with another manager but nothing being done about it. As we are both working at home together from the home office, I'm getting the brunt of her work situations.

Some weeks are good, some are bad. A bad week involves her crying during the week over different situations, shouting and ready to hit the laptop over something in work that she doesn't agree with, panic attacks and taking out her frustration with me by accusing me of not trusting her. I'm currently lying in bed after having an argument with her an hour ago over her shouting loudly this morning after receiving an email from someone.

The communication is an issue. She's not Irish and while her English is good, it's not perfect. Things get lost in translation a lot. I help as much as possible with her work emails and correcting her when she says something incorrectly but she has openly admitted that she's fed up of the English language and this really frustrates her.

I'm not making her out to be the problem. I'm far from perfect but I treat her really well. She demands my attention more than I can give to her. Even going on Zoom calls with my friends at weekends is causing difficulty.

I've tried to get her to speak to a therapist because she knows herself that she suffers from anxiety and stress. But she won't. Always an excuse.

This has affected our love life with sex now being a bi-weekly effort. While she is beautiful, I'm not sure I'm in love with her. She says she loves me.

However, it's difficult in this situation. Both living together during COVID. Probably an argument or two ahead this weekend. She has no family in Ireland and I'm not sure what the situation is trying to find a new place to rent during COVID if we did break up.

I'm not sure what to do.

Tork

If you’re already wondering how to go about breaking up and sorting out accommodation, this is probably more or less over anyway. It doesn’t matter how beautiful she is or that she loves you. Is there enough here to have a happy, healthy relationship? You’re living together for over a year now and it hasn’t been going well for most of that time. It’s one thing to date someone and to spend lots of time with them. When you move on to the next level and live with them, you really find out how compatible you are.

I’m sorry your girlfriend has had such a bad time with workplace bullying. It is the sort of thing that can cause a lot of damage to people. It’s bad luck that it is happening to her again but you’ve also got to wonder is there a bit of a pattern emerging? Does she have a history of having problems in her jobs or with people? There also comes a point where everyone has to take responsibility for their own mental health. It’s as clear as day that she needs to get professional help rather than making you bear the brunt of it. If she won’t go, then this is what you’ll be living with for a long long time.

Was she always as needy as she is now (e.g. when you’re trying to make a Zoom call) or is this a new thing? Back when we weren’t all confined to our homes, did she make it difficult for you to see your friends? Does she have any friends here?

Something else that might be worth thinking about. If she isn’t happy here and her family is abroad, do you think she would like to move home? It’s obvious that she’s deeply unhappy. She struggles at times with English. She has no real connections to Ireland. Would you be happy to move abroad with her?

With the current lockdown, trying to move out or find new accommodation is quite tricky so it's probably better to hold your fire on any talk of breaking up until the restrictions are eased up.

Porklife

Tork wrote: »

If you’re already wondering how to go about breaking up and sorting out accommodation, this is probably more or less over anyway. It doesn’t matter how beautiful she is or that she loves you. Is there enough here to have a happy, healthy relationship? You’re living together for over a year now and it hasn’t been going well for most of that time. It’s one thing to date someone and to spend lots of time with them. When you move on to the next level and live with them, you really find out how compatible you are.

I’m sorry your girlfriend has had such a bad time with workplace bullying. It is the sort of thing that can cause a lot of damage to people. It’s bad luck that it is happening to her again but you’ve also got to wonder is there a bit of a pattern emerging? Does she have a history of having problems in her jobs or with people? There also comes a point where everyone has to take responsibility for their own mental health. It’s as clear as day that she needs to get professional help rather than making you bear the brunt of it. If she won’t go, then this is what you’ll be living with for a long long time.

Was she always as needy as she is now (e.g. when you’re trying to make a Zoom call) or is this a new thing? Back when we weren’t all confined to our homes, did she make it difficult for you to see your friends? Does she have any friends here?

Something else that might be worth thinking about. If she isn’t happy here and her family is abroad, do you think she would like to move home? It’s obvious that she’s deeply unhappy. She struggles at times with English. She has no real connections to Ireland. Would you be happy to move abroad with her?

With the current lockdown, trying to move out or find new accommodation is quite tricky so it's probably better to hold your fire on any talk of breaking up until the restrictions are eased up.

Very well said Tork.

Op...the zoom call is ringing alarm bells for me. Is she not happy when your attention is not fully on her? These times are tricky and are playing with people's emotions but you should try separate the two. Was she this snappy and needy before lockdown?
I've a sister who's cool as ice but last night she called me in a meltdown over something really trivial. Floods of tears. I know it's because she lives alone and is stressed and it's not really about her nail breaking.
Maybe monitor the situation for a while and see how you feel.

Upforthematch

Giving the opposite opinion to porklife and torc.

The facts are as you have given them. She says she is in love with you. She's beautiful, you've a good sex life and she's not near her native friends or family. She's having a rotten time at work x2.

How do you find being supportive? Does it come naturally to you? She obviously had a reason she didnt want to go to hr? What was it?

Can you change your outlook so that instead of thinking of dumping her you help her to change job or get more native speaking friends?

Or are you just bored in this relationship and want someone new?

leggo

My eyebrows raised when you said she immediately ran into the exact same issue when she started her new job...that’s extremely rare and unlikely and would suggest we’re only getting one side of the story. The reality is two consecutive managers have had issues with her and she’s claimed to be an innocent victim both of those times. Now that doesn’t mean they’ve handled it well, or that she doesn’t mean well, but it does suggest she has difficulty getting on with people. And then at home she’s snappy, argumentative and taking her tough time out on you.

Your affection for her may be clouding your ability to fully see it right now, but I think your gut is screaming at you here OP. Like you said, COVID makes this complicated, but it could also make it easier on you on the other side. You don’t have to do anything now, mainly because you can’t, so if you just notice how you’re feeling and start to make your peace with the next stage if that’s what you wish.

qwerty13

Totally agree with what Leggo said.

And this made me think twice too: “She was very much bullied by her old boss and left the company as a result, without raising it with HR. I tried my best to get her to speak to HR but she wouldn't.” Do you think there’s a possibility that she’s as angry and unreasonable in work, and that she “didn’t talk to HR” because she had been under disciplinary action over her behaviour, and that she was managed out?

At a minimum, she has a lot of issues with dealing with her frustration and communicating properly about that (and I don’t mean her English - I mean it’s not appropriate or fair for her to take it out on you - or anyone). She sounds like quite an angry person, and that combined with getting controlling/annoyed over you talking to friends over Zoom is really not good. Her refusal to speak to someone about that is just the tin hat on it all.

I think you know yourself that you don’t want your life to be like this long term. Unfortunately it will probably be a while longer before you can move out. Keep the chin up, and be careful about having protected sex.

theballz

Run a mile mate.

Had exact issue with a bird from Brazil (you mentioned she is foreign,) I’d bet she is too.

antix80

Maybe she's being victimised.. But let's assume something a bit more obvious.

She's 29 and doesn't have a sufficient standard of business English to prosper in her chosen career. This causes frustration among her colleagues and managers so they take it out on her.

If you can act as breadwinner and she can accept her limitations, maybe you'll have a future.

qwerty13

antix80 wrote: »

She's 29 and doesn't have a sufficient standard of business English to prosper in her chosen career. This causes frustration among her colleagues and managers so they take it out on her.

She could do something about this. But she’s not.

She could do something about her overreactions. But she’s not.

Shouting and ready to hit the laptop over something in work that she doesn't agree with is ridiculous carry on from a 29 year old. From any age really. It’s not on in work, and it’s not on in personal life either.

Eta: I worked with a guy whose wife is Spanish, and he worked in Spain for years. He told me that he found the work culture in Spain so different - shouting at people being perfectly acceptable, and conflicts being very heated. Maybe there is a cultural difference between you and your GF. Personally, I couldn’t handle that level of anger / conflict / acting out no matter where she came from. I think you need to decide what you can / can’t put up with from her, given your ‘norms’

Dog day

Hi OP, I think the writing is on the wall here.

Asking yourself these questions not even two years in doesn’t bode well for the future. The part about the Zoom call with your friends is particularly concerning, granted the stress of the lockdown has exacerbated certain characteristics in people but this smacks of someone possessive & overly demanding of your attention. Once you’ve made a firm decision it will be easier to make the break, use this time to come to terms with it yourself first.

If you have to question whether or not you’re in love with someone the answer is you’re simply not. Hope everything works out for you, good luck.

Jim Root

I’ve had mates with girlfriends like this. Always running into issues in work: never taking responsibility. It never works out. People like this need to be “minded” all the time, much like children. Move on. It’s not up to you to fix her issues.