Is it normal to think that he could be "the one" after two dates?

LegacyUser

Bear in mind this happened before the current lockdown, so don't judge me just yet!

A bit of a back story on me. All my life I've rarely felt any deep emotions for many guys. I've had one serious relationship where I was truly in love, but this was short lived. Other relationships were much more casual and I never felt that involved or too broken up when they ended. I don't know why, but I don't click with guys very often. Maybe it's because I'm very closed with my emotions in general, who knows.

Back to present day! A couple of months ago I matched with a guy on tinder and we have been on two dates since, but chatting regularly over text as well. He's really nice, attractive and we seem to get on very well but of course it is still very early to tell where it will go.

Despite this, I find my mind drifting off and thinking about what if things get more serious. I'm thinking about the distance between us and how that would work, him living at home and how we would meet up for dates, would he get on with my friends and family etc. Shamefully I have gone through his social media to see if we'd really be a match in the long term. I'm also counting down the days to when we can do another video call and finally meet again in person.

I never think like this and am worried I am just setting myself up for disappointment. It might be because I very rarely find guys I like and now that I have I'm thinking by some twisted logic that he has to be the one. This is the kind of thing I see on romantic comedy movies and would laugh at how ridiculous it is, yet here I am!

Is it normal to feel like this when you start dating someone you really like, or have I gone completely off the rails?

leggo

I mean, yes and no it’s normal. When we meet someone we like the mind does drift and you can’t stop it, if anyone says that doesn’t happen to them they’re lying. But then, if we’ve enough experience to know better, our brain snaps us back to reality and reminds us that we actually don’t know them that well at all and they could be a completely different person to the person they represented themselves as the whole two times you’ve met. Then it’s a tug-o-war between those mindsets as things play out.

What you’ve done here is construct an entire relationship in your head. If you’re aware that that’s not real at all and doesn’t represent this person or what’s actually the case, then fair enough. But if you’re starting to base hopes and expectations on these then you’re falling for something you’ve imagined and are projecting that onto a real person who may not actually be the person you imagined them to be, through no fault of their own. That’s unhealthy. The chap could still be a really charming serial killer for all you know and wear his ex’s skin to bed. Or he could just be a normal, nice lad who’ll be confused why you’re giving out to him for not being perfect in every way in a few months.

The best way to be is acknowledge that you don’t know this person yet but to also have fun and enjoy what’s actually real for what it is. Like I said, you won’t be able to stop your mind drifting but you can ground that with a dose of reality. If it has legs, it’ll develop naturally in its own time, so just enjoy it rather than wishing your life away looking at the next stage.

Airyfairy12

It's a bit of a stretch to say that he's 'the one' at this stage. Sounds like lust more than love, you dont love someone until you really get to know them and all their ins and outs, also love isnt a good enough reason to spend your life with someone or have a long term relationship, its important obviously but doesnt mean youre a good match for each other. I wouldnt jump in head first just yet, slow down, take your time and get to know each other. You really like him and thats a great start but I wouldnt be writing up the wedding invite list just yet.

bitofabind

eagerbeaver123 wrote: »

A bit of a back story on me. All my life I've rarely felt any deep emotions for many guys. I've had one serious relationship where I was truly in love, but this was short lived. Other relationships were much more casual and I never felt that involved or too broken up when they ended. I don't know why, but I don't click with guys very often. Maybe it's because I'm very closed with my emotions in general, who knows

Or maybe because this is most people? The vast majority of people will have a handful or less of serious relationships in their lifetime, so you’re hardly unusual there.

Honestly you sound like someone who’s a bit bored in lockdown and letting the mind go into overdrive. That little story you’re telling yourself is playing into the narrative too. Nothing wrong with fancying someone and looking forward to chatting with them - enjoy it! But try to keep a balance too. Don’t be sitting around waiting for his texts or cyber stalking him either. The reality is you’ve met the fella twice where I’ve no doubt he was on his best behaviour as we tend to be on those first initial dates so anything else you’re imagining about his character beyond “seems nice” and “fancy him a bit” is pure speculation.

Keep busy, stay connected to family and friends, focus on your own hobbies and enjoy the chats but try to keep perspective. He might be something, or it might fizzle. Either way, you’ll be grand.

Addle

To think it, yes. To hope it, yes.
To know it, I don’t think so.

Moonbeams8

I downloaded one of the less commonly used dating apps during this time just to get myself into the swing of things and with the idea that I would download one of the more popular ones when I could actually meet men and go on dates!

However I've been pleasantly surprised with the interactions on there and have been chatting to some (what appears to be) nice guys. However I am not investing myself in any way at all, attaching zero expectations to any of them and only sending one message a day to any guy I'm currently talking to. Very little personal information either.

I think take it day by day. Hope is wonderful but also powerful. It has to be managed and in my experience, kept under control.

Faith

I suspect it's happening more because you're bored and have little else to occupy you during this lockdown, tbh. Of course it's tempting to think of a happy rosy future in a time like this. Just try and reel yourself in a little when you do catch it happening though, or you risk getting really hurt when it doesn't play out like you've fantasised.

But to answer your question, I'd think it's normal. That being said, while I'd do the same, I know others who wouldn't think like that at all, so it is very variable between people.

SozBbz

OP, I'd be a bit like yourself in that I'd very rarely have strong feelings for people.

When I went on my first date with my OH, we had a nice time and got on well but I think we were both very much on best behaviour. Our second date was much different though, and I definitely had an "a-ha" moment and did start to get quite excited about him then.

I can only imagine that under these circumstances where we all have far too much time on our hands and zero social life, that my mind could have run away with me slightly - do you think its possible theres an element of that here?

Also, try to keep your thoughts under control, because there's no use in building him up to an unrealistic extent so that when you do meet again that the reality is a disappointment. I know its easier said than done, because its lovely to be excited about someone, but my advice would be to try to keep a bit of a lid on things.

ShaShaBear

I don't think there's anything wrong with daydreaming about what your life would be like with this person if they were The One. I'd certainly say it's normal. I often found myself when procrastinating or just pondering and letting my mind wander that I would think about something like "X loves living in the city and I loved it in college, I wonder would we have a city apartment. X loves cats so maybe we'd have one, or two. X has the most gorgeous brown eyes, I wonder if our kids would have brown eyes like him, or blue like me". Then I'd snap out of it and go on as normal. It's wistful daydreaming, and harmless once you don't evolve it into expectations.

It's also wise not to assume that your daydream fantasies of life ever after with this person will be law. I once fantasised that my now-husband and I would travel the world, he was working in transport and me in a lab and we bought ourselves a gorgeous house in a seaside town we went on a date to.
Facts are we didn't travel as we decided to have kids first, we got married and I'm a stay-at-home mum with an online business completely unrelated to my science degree :pac:

TL;DR - it's okay to daydream and fantasise, but it is not reality and you shouldn't strive to make it so!

LegacyUser

It's me again.

Okay, saying that he's "the one" may be pushing it but I was looking for something short and snappy that would fit into the thread title!

A better way of putting it is that he has the most potential of anyone I've dated in the past maybe 5 years.

My feet are very much on the ground and know based on my track history that things may not work out.

And just to be clear, I do not love him, feel deeply connected or any kind of crazy feelings for him. I just feel like this could really go somewhere, but was worried that thinking like that would only lead to disappointment. But I don't want to be negative and think it could all end tomorrow, so I don't know how I should feel!

Katgurl

I don't see what is wrong with a bit of daydreaming!

When I met my partner I was a bit jaded with the dating scene. I had done a good bit of reflecting on previous failed relationships and realised I often got over excited early and then ignored common sense. So I decided to proceed with caution.

But you don't sound like that at all. You just sound excited that you have met someone with potential. That's totally normal. See if he lives up to it.

morgans12

If you're not one to easily get infatuated/caught up in the moment, I think you have even more reason to trust your intuition on this, and trust that you have good reason to see real potential there. I completely relate to the rarely clicking with anyone and can honestly say I've only really liked about three people. But on the night I met my partner, I was smitten within a few minutes of talking with him. I jokingly referred to him as my future husband to a friend the next day, who said it was the most out of character thing she'd ever heard me say. We certainly took our time exploring what was there, and took months to commit to anything, but something just felt right about him and six years later we're still together.

Even if it doesn't work out, there's no harm in pursuing something your intuition is telling you is 'right', especially if you don't have a history of getting it wrong. That said - delving headfirst into a serious relationship too quickly is never a good idea. Enjoy it as it comes, and take your time.