Am I the only one like this ?

LegacyUser

Hi folks

Perhaps the lockdown is getting to me, but a particular personal relationship issue has been playing on my mind, and Im turning to you folks for some sanity I suppose.

I suppose I’m looking for you to perhaps tell me I’m normal!(hopefully) and secondly the best way of dealing with this type of situation.

I’m single, have been for nearly 2 years now, my last relationship was a long one (for my age ,late 20s) and was serious, lived together, pets etc.

I’ve dated a fair bit, nothing has really worked out, such is life but I’ve met some very nice people, some who I’m still friendly with. But nothing serious has developed. I should probably admit here that, I don’t like being single, I felt much more satisfaction being in a relationship and sharing life,(and I don’t mean I miss my ex, I just miss that life)
I hate the dating game and somehow feel a bit pathetic or not as valid being single especially as most friends are now beginning to settle.
Having said that, I’m not looking to jump into any old relationship, I’m out of a job right now, like many people at the moment, and my future is uncertain with career and where I’ll be (might have to move home for financial reasons etc). This means I’m not exactly set up for getting into anything serious and obviously not seeing anyone at the moment. I’m also aware personal life still goes on despite world affairs and I’d say I’m an open book.

But here’s the problem, there’s one person who I’ve been texting for almost a year now. I find it hard to type this as I hate to admit it, even to myself, but I like them, I fancy them.
In the beginning I fancied this person, then went off them a bit, but over time feelings have grown back mainly as I got to know them better and discovered we actually get along very well, think the same way and have similar humour and banter, we bounce off one another.
For various life, work and personal circumstances we never seriously dated and frankly our contact is mostly sporadic, and that’s not really on my part, I’m not into playing games and if I want to chat with someone I will. However we tend to go through periods of being very chatty and sharing a lot of personal things and being very honest with one another, and then things tend to dry up, it always comes back around but this cycle always repeats.
They’ve indicated they’re happy being single, note, not adverse to anything relationship wise, but fed up with dating and they’ve sort of given up on it, not dissimilar to myself.
However I’m no fool, and I know actions tell everything you need to know, and the facts are, they’re very hot and cold with me and if they were interested in something really happening between us, then it probably would have before Covid19 happened. We still talk pretty much daily but this has gone on for months and months and things are going nowhere, I should take the hint, I know I know .
Ironically in the past few weeks another person has come on the scene, obviously we’ve not met up, it came about when I was feeling pretty pissed off with life in general and the aforementioned person was pretty much gone cold. I took advice from mates and tried online dating, didn’t last long on it but I did get chatting to a very nice person, now they’re not a complete stranger, you could say they’re a friend of a friend kind of thing but we matched and have been talking since.
This person is very nice, very attentive, very much a good person, the type you’d have no qualms about introducing to your mother. I’m enjoying chatting with them, and they’ve absolutely been signalling that we’ll go on dates when things begin to get back to normal. But I feel frustrated that I don’t get the same feeling of attraction, lust etc that I do for the first person I spoke about. Why am I like this ? And am I the only one ?
This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. When I met my ex, I was very much take it or leave it. I wasn’t particularly bothered but they were invested and did the chasing, it took me a while to catch up but I eventually did, and had a very happy, loving and fulfilling relationship for years. But in the beginning I wasn’t really that interested.
I’m not saying I’m about to get into a relationship here, but I see a similar trend here, a good, genuine person, who life has placed in my path and here I am like, meh...
Meanwhile the wildcard option has me captivated.
I suppose my question is, does the captivating wildcard ever work out ?
Why am I like this? I know that’s a ridiculous question nobody can really answer but I suppose I’d be interested in hearing if there are others who can relate to this type of situation.
And also how do you deal with this silly type of situation? And I totally know it’s silly and juvenile but that doesn’t change the fact this is constantly playing on my mind.

It brings me back to Secondary School and being infatuated with a crush that was never ever going to work out, didn’t happen obviously. I sometimes wonder did this create a default want/need for a crush to work out, to finally capture a desire. Because that’s never materialised in my life anyway.

I realise I’ve gone off on a tangent here and maybe just expressing this in writing is all I needed and I hope I was coherent enough that you understand where I’m coming from, but I’d also appreciate advice and experience on this situation if you’ve managed to grasp it .
Are we moulded to always take a default position when dating ?

TheBoyConor

You are over thinking it.

bitofabind

When someone is not available, there's a certain adrenaline rush in the emotional rollercoaster that comes with their non-committal behaviour that can be addictive. The hot-and-coldness, the elusiveness, the is-he-isn't-he unpredictability of it.

I've had two longterm relationships, and each time the process of getting together was what I can only describe as natural and peaceful. Drama free and naturally progressive. There was no red flag "now you see them, now you don't" kinda carry on. Because they were both emotionally available and had no issues effectively communicating this to me.

To me, all of these behaviours you mention with this "crush" / penpal are red flags. It's not a real relationship and they're not a real person to you. You can be who you want to be when your only interactions are a series of well-crafted whatsapp texts and calls: no commitment or vulnerability required. In a way, it's safe. Because even when you get invested and it inevitably doesn't work out - logic dictates you've only got yourself to blame. They were unreliable all along. So you're setting yourself up to fail.

These days that type of behaviour and the feelings it provokes in me is a trigger. A trigger for overthinking and overanalysing and feeling insecure and unfulfilled. So I seek out the person that responds to me and actively pursues more. The person that wants more than a bit of texting over-and-back when they're bored or want an ego boost. Because that's what I want in a partner - someone who is physically and emotionally there. Crushes are crushes and we can't control what we're attracted to. But we can choose to evaluate and seek out the values that are important to us in the long run. Try to focus on those values instead.

Gynoid

I don't think you are over thinking it. I think you have thought it out perfectly well and described the reality.
Why do you feel hot for the bad lad? Because that happens. Simple. It's a weird fact of life and lust. It is not insurmountable though.
From your well thought out description you know what you should do about the lad who runs hot and cold. They are playing. You can like them, love them, lust after them, but do it in the very back of your mind and just for a while.

Having watched relationships for a very long time I have seen what happens with these charismatic players, they can bring someone along for years, even decades, with the game. I have seen girls grow for 20 to 40 and more, and never have the babies they really wanted or the security and home that they would have liked because they got really hooked on the wonders of the wild man. And then he goes off and suddenly makes a family with someone he met last Tuesday. It is surprisingly not uncommon.

Having said that, with guy number 2 nice is not enough. It is good and important that you think he is endearing but you also have to fancy them sexually if you want to make it work for the long term. There has to be passion and laughs. You still have to be captivated by the guy who is not the wild card. You might not have met him yet.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
Thank you for your replies, even reading back on my own post and reading your replies has helped me, somewhat, and I appreciate you adding your thoughts.
Have I been over thinking it, yes probably, I’ve no job to go to, no social distractions etc and little else to occupy my mind which has probably exasperated the feelings.

However it’s also true that this has been going on almost a year now and I supposed it’s really beginning to waste my time and energy, it’s almost worse than a breakup because it’s not like I have any good reason to totally block the person and walk away, there’s a underlying friendship that’s come out of it too, I know the right thing to do is move on from person A but I find it very hard when I think about how well we get along, it seems such a waste and pity.
Like I said we seem to bounce off one another and think the exact same way, additional to that, I also find them attractive. While they’ve indicated this is reciprocal nothing had been actioned up until the lockdown, I.e. we’ve never slept together.
I do like person B, I know i probably sound like a horrible person because they obviously don’t know about this situation but deep down I know they’re a better more honest and genuine person, but it’s not in my nature to fancy two people at the same time. This is why I hate single life, it’s either a feast or a famine, you either feel completely alone or you have some dilemma.
I’d also bet my bottom dollar if I ended up in a relationship, the first person will probably turn around and say “ oh I thought we might start dating sometime”
The point about people being lead down the garden path for years is so true, I’ve seen it too myself, and it was heartbreaking to watch and I don’t want to be that person. This point is also helping me realise that.
I suppose these things are about leveraging emotions and feelings. I think the first person isn’t intentionally a player, but has those traits irregardless of intentions, and from what I know it’s probably a defence mechanism. Still doesn’t change the fact.

Thanks for the replied and advice, I think it just helped to confirm what I already know, how I go about it, that’s a whole other animal

redfox123

I believe when a woman doesn’t love her self completely she will fall in love with a man..one who doesn’t love her and blows hot and cold. The only thing you need to focus on is yourself. In a way the woman shouldn’t fall for a man at all, I know I’ll get stick for that but I have never ever seen it work out, because the energy is wrong. He falls for her, and she then returns the love. That’s what works for a real relationship. One not based on insecurity.

Completely and utterly focus on yourself, fall in love with yourself. Then it is totally irrelevant about this random pen pal annoyingly orbiting around with no purpose or anything of actual value to contribute to your life. I mean I’m sure you have friends already, he is not a ‘friend’, you don’t spend a lockdown thinking about a friend.

You will meet someone who will show their interest and who you actually find attractive but because you’re so fulfilled in your life, you won’t get over invested or infatuated, it will just be a nice addition.

Xterminator

In a way the woman shouldn’t fall for a man at all, I know I’ll get stick for that but I have never ever seen it work out, because the energy is wrong. He falls for her, and she then returns the love.

thats some twisted thinking there. It is my firm opinion if you want happiness you go out and grab it with both hands, rather than passivly waiting for soneone else to initiate the relationship.

And in todays meetoo work enviornemnts etc, its even harder for the man to make the 1st move because literally anything can be misinterpreted. You need to give encouragement and show your interest.

If you liken it to a flower, you are saying it will grow and blossom into something you want by itself, or it wont. I am saying a little sunshine, water, and plant food goes a long way!

redfox123

Xterminator wrote: »

thats some twisted thinking there. It is my firm opinion if you want happiness you go out and grab it with both hands, rather than passivly waiting for soneone else to initiate the relationship.

!

Yes, exactly what I’m saying, what the OP shouldn’t be doing is sitting at home waiting and thinking about this person who is not actually doing anything. Going on a year now of texting?! He has no interest in a relationship!
I’m saying women should never get invested like that until long after there’s consistent proof of interest or there’s been investment from him. Indicate you’re single etc etc of course but the level of emotional and mental interest from her and he literally fires a text back now and again is not healthy at all.
She should be filling her life and growing as a person so much that this randomer would not even be a passing thought. That’s the goal, and if she wants to meet someone there won’t be much chance of him being a time waster or not interested because she simply won’t reply to someone who is doing nothing or showing interest.
Harder work than sitting around fantasising about their non existent life together but that’s life. It’s takes work to stay healthy mentally and physically.