Partner of 2 years decides he’s taking a “back seat “in caring for my kids from a

Ele20

Been with my partner 2 years he moved in 6 months ago. My children’s dad is not really in the picture (his choice). I work full time as does my partner. We usually work opposite each other to minimise child care costs. That was up until 2 weeks ago when my partner said he’s sick of minding another mans kids and us not having quality time as a couple. Am I being unreasonable to expect his support in this? I’m now so stressed as obviously in lockdown it’s impossible to find childcare and available family is limited due to cocooning. Am I crazy to think that he came into this relationship knowing I have kids. He moved in knowing their dad is not involved.. I feel a bit abandoned by him!! And I know they’re not his kids and he shouldn’t have this responsibility!! But I think 2 years in, it’s a little late for him to decide “I want you, I love the kids but I just don’t want to mind them on my days off” any opinions?

Neyite

Move him back out. He doesn't want the responsibility of looking after kids. When someone tells you who they are, listen carefully.

You and your kids are a package deal so that means that there are responsibilites you have that you need to prioritise. And he knew that before moving in.

Either he's a boyfriend who isn't a serious relationship in which case you both shouldn't be living together or involving him in the kids lives or he's a serious partner who recognises that living with you is about sharing a home which essentially makes him a step-dad.

If he's not on board with that then what's the point of having him in your life?

leggo

I'd be a bit more sympathetic, at least without more info. I've dated single mothers before and it's ALWAYS a balancing act that constantly requires fine-tuning because no two situations/kids are the same. My first reaction to the post was that being together 2 years and already moved in with him minding the kids was all very quick tbh, so while it's jarring I'm also not that surprised there needs to be adjustments made. If I was to ever do it again I'd almost want around 2 years before even starting to properly build a relationship with the kids to make sure the relationship was on extremely solid foundation, because once you get to that stage it's tough to double back and adjust.

You need to have everything clear and spoken, on the table. Some single mothers I've met almost have a habit of saying, "I have kids, they're my world, we're a package deal" VERY early into the relationship, like you could be talking first date, then taking that as almost a verbal contract that they control the terms of if you continue rather than hashing it all out. They then take it as a rejection if you're ever like, "Woah we haven't discussed this part, let's take a minute." To give perspective from the other side, any time I've spoken up the concern has been more along the lines of it being an uneven relationship where my needs come last to the point that they're non-existent. Like you get asked for an insane level of commitment (in terms of time, energy and emotionally) when it gets to the stage of minding them, but then when you try have the tiniest amount of a say in big questions like where you live etc, it's framed as in "the kids come first" (i.e. since they're not your kids, the mother decides). So you're essentially not living your own life and just filling in an empty slot for someone else who would have a say was he still around.

When you say what he said in terms of not minding another man's kids and wanting more time to have a relationship, that's what I'm hearing his real concern sound like. He's telling you he doesn't feel involved in the nucleus of the relationship and like he's just there to do odd jobs but then his own needs, wants, ambitions etc are being put aside as a placeholder in another family he doesn't get a say in. When it's done right, he shouldn't see them as 'another man's kids'. But part of that involves him letting him have a say and actively participate beyond just 'minding'. You know this yourself OP, you don't mind or babysit your own kids, you just parent them. He doesn't feel like their parent but has a parent's workload all the same. I can't tell you whether or not his concerns are valid because you haven't given enough info for us to judge, but I can tell you that THAT concern in general is valid in these kind of situations from experience, and that that's what it sounds like he's saying here. So maybe acknowledging that and fine-tuning might work this out rather than just booting him out.

Purgative

Ele20 I agree with Neyite but, I'd just question is there some irritation, argument, disagreement and he's reacting in one of the few ways he can?


Or is he just really hacked off about being locked down?


Edit: Yep Leggo said it far better than me.

Ele20

Purgative wrote: »

Ele20 I agree with Neyite but, I'd just question is there some irritation, argument, disagreement and he's reacting in one of the few ways he can?


Or is he just really hacked off about being locked down?


Edit: Yep Leggo said it far better than me.

Thanks for the replies. It’s nice to get a mans opinion on things too. It was pretty quick for him to move in but he lived the other side of the country and it was the only way of us staying together. He does have a say in the kids lives, he does genuinely care for them so I do listen to his opinions.

We’ve not had any major arguments or row, what led to his decision of not wanting to mind the kids anymore is that he minded them for 2 days in a row while I was working and was fed up.

We’re both in our late 30’s and it’s his first serious relationship (which was a red flag in the beginning for me) I think his attitude does show an immaturity and lack of relationship experience if I’m being honest. When I was ready to date again after my divorce, I had this stupid idea that the man I would end up with would have to embrace my children as his own and add something positive to our lives. We have sat down numerous times to discuss what we both expect from the relationship but at no time did he ever say that as far as the children go, I was on my own which is pretty much how I feel now.

ted1

Does your ex contribute financially to the up bringing of his kids? Might be a issue for your current partner. If it’s costing home money but their biological father isn’t

Purgative

I'm not a huge help - I admit. I'm just a no-name on the internet and I'm not there:(.


If its as you say, he's fed up with the kids after 2 days, then Neyite's course of action seems the only way.


On the other hand if he's fed up being cooped up (aren't we all), fed up that there's no jiggy-jiggy (excuse my French) because of privacy or you're tired after work, or if he's just fed up always putting the bins out. Whatever. Is there anything that could be explored? If you can identify the issue then you're at least half way there.

My friend is divorced with 3 kids. Her current partner moved in about 18 months ago. He gets on great with her kids. They all have great times together, at home & occasionally away on little holidays.
But, he does not 'mind' her kids. He might be there while she does the shopping or whatever but she does not expect him to babysit them when she can't mind them.
Now, their father is around so he is available sometimes, but he works full time.
She employs a babysitter if she has to.
He is not responsible for raising her kids & that doesn't mean he isn't involved, he is very involved with their lives & they all get on well.
There are no issues with them or their relationship.

Ele20

I finance my children’s upbringing completely. Their father won’t pay towards them. I wouldn’t expect my current partner to contribute anything towards their upbringing. I am fortunate that I have a good job so money has never been an issue. I don’t ask my current partner to pay towards bills or any living expenses that we incur. He works as well and he does pay for groceries occasionally and that’s fine with me. It’s not that I want him to “babysit” my children. I’m just trying to get opinions on whether it’s unreasonable to expect him to blend in with our family life and if I have to work and he’s at home is it unreasonable to ask him to collect the kids from school and cook them a meal (post virus I mean) I mean it would be weird for a nanny to be here and him sitting looking at her??

Caranica

I'm afraid I totally get where your partner is coming from. He's in a relationship with you, you and your kids come as a package but then you should be there when the kids are there.

As another poster said, it's one thing to keep an eye while you go to the shops but effectively being rostered on as childcare is way too much at this early stage.

I'm a woman, without kids, but if I moved in with someone who had kids and they expected me to be this involved at this early stage I'd run. I'm not a childminder.

leggo

Ele20 wrote: »

When I was ready to date again after my divorce, I had this stupid idea that the man I would end up with would have to embrace my children as his own and add something positive to our lives. We have sat down numerous times to discuss what we both expect from the relationship but at no time did he ever say that as far as the children go, I was on my own which is pretty much how I feel now.

That's a fair thing to want. But it feels like you've made assumptions there and a lot has gone unsaid, which opens the door for confusion. That makes sense given it's just two years, you've done a LOT already, and it seems there was a long distance element to the relationship too. In a normal relationship that's easy to adjust because it can be done in one honest conversation where both parties come out happy with the agreements made. However once kids are involved, it's difficult because it gets deeper so much quicker once they're introduced to the relationship that any kind of stop-and-pause to reflect and evaluate things can feel like a rejection and your anxiety starts telling you a whole family is about to fall apart.

Look you haven't got specific so I can't either, but the end result to these scenarios should be a situation where both of you feel like your needs are being catered for by the relationship, you're able to work as a team and understand both of your (equal) roles in that team, you can communicate well if issues arise, and that stability will dripfeed down to the kids' wellbeing. People always think "the kids come first" and, of course, they do. But on top of that all needs to be a working relationship or you can't put the kids first because trying to fix or resolve it will distract from them anyway. So join the dots between what you have now and what the end goal should be. That means talking, listening, compromising and agreement on both sides. If you look at it from a 'who's right and wrong' angle, it won't work. And if one or both sides aren't willing to compromise, it won't work either. That's how you solve it if that's what you want to do. And from what you say, it's absolutely salvageable and a lot of the 'damage' is his insensitive comment sparking off your fears and insecurities. These conversations are necessary in fact when building a relationship, you've maybe just sped into things and not had all of them yet so time to double-back and talk things through. But ultimately it sounds like he's freaking out and overreacting and it's causing you to do the same. That's manageable and not the sign of the end, just take a breath and get on top of it with some good old relationship elbow grease.

Ele20

Thank u for all your replies, it’s been really helpful just getting my own thoughts in order. It really is a minefield when there are children from past relationships isn’t it. I’m looking at friends who are single mothers who have met their partners who have just got on with it and they treat the kids like their own so maybe that’s what I’m expecting idk.

He does want us to have a baby together but I just don’t how any of this would work like would he just care for our child together and the nanny cares for my other 2. He says when that day comes he will then rethink his position but it’s obviously leaving me completely insecure with our whole relationship

SozBbz

Ele20 wrote: »

I finance my children’s upbringing completely. Their father won’t pay towards them. I wouldn’t expect my current partner to contribute anything towards their upbringing. I am fortunate that I have a good job so money has never been an issue. I don’t ask my current partner to pay towards bills or any living expenses that we incur. He works as well and he does pay for groceries occasionally and that’s fine with me. It’s not that I want him to “babysit” my children. I’m just trying to get opinions on whether it’s unreasonable to expect him to blend in with our family life and if I have to work and he’s at home is it unreasonable to ask him to collect the kids from school and cook them a meal (post virus I mean) I mean it would be weird for a nanny to be here and him sitting looking at her??

Humm... but in your OP you said that you work opposite hours to minimise childcare costs so in that way he is contributing financially albeit indirectly. Also, if you're working shifts around each other, that doesnt leave much time for you as a couple. From that point of view, I can understand his frustration. Is he also a gob****e for moving in with a woman with children, only to come out with this 6 months in? Yes, absolutely.

I would have a massive problem getting together with someone who had children who's other parent wasnt contributing. You were married, so theres no ambiguity as to who the father is in the eyes of the law, I would just find it fundamentally unacceptable for him not to financilly contribute. Whether he wants actual involvement is another story, but surely that money could be spent in terms of childcare to allow you to have a normal life whereby yourself and your partner don't have to work opposing shifts. Can a court not make him pay? Surely this would have come up during any divorce settlement.

JeffKenna

Ele20 wrote: »

I finance my children’s upbringing completely. Their father won’t pay towards them. I wouldn’t expect my current partner to contribute anything towards their upbringing. I am fortunate that I have a good job so money has never been an issue. I don’t ask my current partner to pay towards bills or any living expenses that we incur. He works as well and he does pay for groceries occasionally and that’s fine with me. It’s not that I want him to “babysit” my children. I’m just trying to get opinions on whether it’s unreasonable to expect him to blend in with our family life and if I have to work and he’s at home is it unreasonable to ask him to collect the kids from school and cook them a meal (post virus I mean) I mean it would be weird for a nanny to be here and him sitting looking at her??

If you don't want your partner to babysit then what's the issue in your OP about? Why are you worried that you can't get childcare and your family are cocooning. It doesn't make sense.

JustAThought

you are letting the dather of these children off the hook financially but are expecting your current partner to make sacrifices - I fully understand his position. Why should the person whose practical and financial reaponsibility they are get a pass
out card and your new bf be left minding the babies? Take your expectations and apply them to the childrens father - why should everyone else take the financial load and not him? Your boyfriend is right. No doubt a thousand or two thousand euro a month towards his childrens childminding needs, 2 or 3 full evening babysitting and other housing, rent etc and clothing etc costs would go a long way - he is right in making his point early before you go off on maternity leave and he is left holding the entire can while
the man responsible buys motorbikes, takes
holidays and goes to the (pre covid) pub 5 nights a week. He is making a stand and he is right - Its hardly fair.

Ele20

Ele20 wrote: »

I finance my children’s upbringing completely. Their father won’t pay towards them. I wouldn’t expect my current partner to contribute anything towards their upbringing. I am fortunate that I have a good job so money has never been an issue. I don’t ask my current partner to pay towards bills or any living expenses that we incur. He works as well and he does pay for groceries occasionally and that’s fine with me. It’s not that I want him to “babysit” my children. I’m just trying to get opinions on whether it’s unreasonable to expect him to blend in with our family life and if I have to work and he’s at home is it unreasonable to ask him to collect the kids from school and cook them a meal (post virus I mean) I mean it would be weird for a nanny to be here and him sitting looking at her??

Lots of people have nannies or au pairs, they can still be in the home but the nanny is doing the work. That's not unusual.
Also, your partner is living expense free with you? Only paying occasionally for groceries? Surely he should pay something towards his home?
It seems like you want him to take over as father, but he is not their father, they have one, maybe you should try more to get their actual father to step up.

HotMama89

I have one child and my partner has 1 child and we live together. My childs father is not overly involved but I dont expect my partner to mind my child I use family and a childminder who collects from school and I pick up on my way home. This also goes for during the summer my child would attend a summer camp. My partner would mind if i was going to the gym for an hour or a very odd day if i was stuck.

Same goes for their child I will help out if their stuck or something pops up etc but i see no reason for the child to be here with me when he is not around as they dont come to spend time with me they come to see him. Their ex partner seemed to think I should be the babysitter and I quickly nipped that in the bud.

I do think he needs to contribute properly to you and the household finanically if he doesnt want to contribute by reducing childcare costs as it doesnt seem like he is helping out much in that department at all and the extra money will enable you to hire a childminder/babysitter

Hannibal_Smith

It's a bit out of the blue when we're on lockdown to tell you now that he's not minding the kids. What are you meant to do when creches are shut and family are cocooning?

Friends of mine have moved in with new partners and my friends have had children from another relationship. One was a single mum for years, father on the scene whenever it suited. I can't imagine how she would have reacted if her now husband told her he wasn't looking after another man's kid. I don't think he'd be her husband for a start.

On other occasions, they've moved in when the father is around, but when one person in the house is working, the other minds the kids. Drops them to school, collects them, minds them when they get home.

I don't know how you become a unit otherwise? Two of them now have children with their new partners. And they treat all the children equally. How else would it work? You mind your own kids but send the one from a previous relationship to crèche?

He knew your situation before you moved in together and if he had an issue telling you 3 weeks into a lockdown is a bit late.

At the end of the day, you need to have a proper conversation about it with him and find out what he's thinking. Then you can work it out together.

zerosugarbuzz

Ele20 wrote: »

I finance my children’s upbringing completely. Their father won’t pay towards them. I wouldn’t expect my current partner to contribute anything towards their upbringing. I am fortunate that I have a good job so money has never been an issue. I don’t ask my current partner to pay towards bills or any living expenses that we incur. He works as well and he does pay for groceries occasionally and that’s fine with me. It’s not that I want him to “babysit” my children. I’m just trying to get opinions on whether it’s unreasonable to expect him to blend in with our family life and if I have to work and he’s at home is it unreasonable to ask him to collect the kids from school and cook them a meal (post virus I mean) I mean it would be weird for a nanny to be here and him sitting looking at her??

He doesn’t contribute towards bills and pays for groceries occasionally..... are you saying he lives rent free with you and the kids, doesn’t pay for gas and electricity and you also buy most of his food?

krissovo

As man who has gone through a similar experience I would say its a bit deeper than just looking after kids and they are just the outlet of general frustration.

Men by nature want to be the providers and he is now in a established home with well sorted mother (are you independent?) that I would assume has a great handle on things. He probably feels right now his worth is only to look after the kids in a home that someone else has paid for, decorated and planned.

I would talk openly to him, plan some changes to the home and garden so he can feel he is part of the home and apply some of his personality to the home.

As for the child minding, no quick wins there but how I am dealing with looking after kids at the moment in lockdown is to work part time using holiday allowance and reduced hours. I still log in at 9am and log off at 5 or 6pm but actual work is only about 5 hours and I attend all the meetings I need too and be flexible when I am working so I can attend my kids and school them.

Neyite

zerosugarbuzz wrote: »

He doesn’t contribute towards bills and pays for groceries occasionally..... are you saying he lives rent free with you and the kids, doesn’t pay for gas and electricity and you also buy most of his food?

If this is the case then he's a parasite if he can't even be bothered to repay the free lodgings he gets by helping you out with childcare.

At the very least he should be paying his share towards rent, utilities and food, and any other household expenses that he benefits from.

zapper55

The last two posts are very reactive and emotional. OP I'd suggest a time when the kids are gone to bed when you are both relaxed and talk to him, well more to the point listen to him. Ask whats brought this about. Dont get defensive. I think there's more to this than meets the eye.

I would share your expectations of his role but it sounds like you've never actually verbalised them, just assumed that's how he'll slot in.

If he's not paying his way that is definitely is something that needs to be addressed too but that's not the substantial issue here, his recent statement is.

redfox123

zerosugarbuzz wrote: »

He doesn’t contribute towards bills and pays for groceries occasionally..... are you saying he lives rent free with you and the kids, doesn’t pay for gas and electricity and you also buy most of his food?

That’s the first thing that jumped out at me. He literally has moved into your house and gets everything paid for him?! And now is miffed that his free ride involves a little bit of responsibility in the form of minding your kids now and then when you’re in work. You are paying him to live with you, and he buys groceries ‘occasionally’. I think you were insecure with this arrangement going into it, and that is why you literally let him live for free. You knew it would be a lot for him to adjust to, so are happy to provide everything.
In doing this you are devaluing yourself and the ‘package’ that comes with you.
It is not an equal partnership.
It is a very tricky balancing act with a situation like this. And someone who hasn’t had a relationship, never mind kids will find it very hard work, without the normal rewarding feeling a parent gets, even if there is a bond there. I think you would be better living separately, he seems to want just the relationship, and thought the carrot of free rent would be enough to make it work.

cj maxx

In fairness op it sounds like he got with you knowing you had kids but he's not their father.so maybe spend money on childcare so you can spend time together and stop using him as a babysitter with benefits.

Purple Mountain

You're a mum of 2, working full time with a live in boyfriend who you are also financially supporting.
And he's the one kicking off about minding the 2 children two days in a row?
(I say 'mind' by the way, because if you have 2 children and are divorced and have already found a new partner, then the kids aren't very small and require 24/7 attending to and observation).
I'd be showing him the door after explaining about cake and eating it.

ETA the dad should absolutely be financially contributing to his children's upbringing.
Maybe your current partner is feeling frustrated by this also.
I think you need to examine the financial relationship you have with both the male adults in your life because they both seem to take you for granted and exploit you in some way.
Go back and revisit your divorce settlement and seek to enforce it.

OP hasnt really clarified about the contributions to the house since, maybe all the honing in on that is a little bit of overprotection?

OP your first post mentions that he doesn't feel you get enough quality time as a couple

Is this fair, and do you feel the same way? is there things ye could work on so that you are a couple as well as providers/childminders. its very early days to both be reduced to those roles only in your own relationship.

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I don't know how you become a unit otherwise?

This would be the core issue for me. You are together two years, you’ve moved in together. I am assuming you’ve discussed the future and what you both want from the relationship? So how can you be a proper family unit when one person doesn’t want to be involved with the kids? The simple answer is you can’t. Your kids can’t be on the outside of this relationship especially if he is living in their home. It just doesn’t work.

If I were to get involved with someone with kids and saw it as a long term, build a future together relationship, I would 100% be involved with the kids. There would be no question of it being otherwise.

Have a proper chat, but it’s a bad attitude for him to have if he sees a future with you.

I don't believe he ever said he didn't want to be involved with the kids?
Just doesn't want to be used as a babysitter.
My friends partner is fully involved with the kids, they have fun times together & takes an active part in their lives.
He is not their father however, & he does not mind them when she has to go away, neither is he involved in discipling them. That's her job as their mother to raise them.
It works well, they have no problems in their home & everyone is happy

Recliner

Ele20 wrote: »

Been with my partner 2 years he moved in 6 months ago. My children’s dad is not really in the picture (his choice). I work full time as does my partner. We usually work opposite each other to minimise child care costs. That was up until 2 weeks ago when my partner said he’s sick of minding another mans kids and us not having quality time as a couple. Am I being unreasonable to expect his support in this? I’m now so stressed as obviously in lockdown it’s impossible to find childcare and available family is limited due to cocooning. Am I crazy to think that he came into this relationship knowing I have kids. He moved in knowing their dad is not involved.. I feel a bit abandoned by him!! And I know they’re not his kids and he shouldn’t have this responsibility!! But I think 2 years in, it’s a little late for him to decide “I want you, I love the kids but I just don’t want to mind them on my days off” any opinions?

Just my 2 cents, but given how your kids have been effectively abandoned by their father, I'd be very careful how this is approached. It could come across to them as being their fault that someone who they possibly see as a father figure is now also rejecting them.
They're also not just "another mans kids". They're your children, and he was obviously well aware of their existence before now.

There's a lot going on here.

First off, we have the cabin fever aspect. It's effecting plenty of couples and families. People are fed up, cooped up and snappy.

Second, he's not in that long. Moving in together from my experience is the hardest step in a relationship. There's so much compromise and adjusting needed compared to just staying over. How you do things and how they do things are different, ones messy while the other likes tidiness. It takes time. I found getting married actually lessened it because my house became 'our' house. Which in reality means I lost but happy wife, happy life.

Finally you have his relationship with the kids. This is the crucial stage. If the father is still on the scene, it's a balancing act for a step parent. Get involved but not too involved. What's over stepping and so on. My wife had opinions about my daughter but it was my decision with my ex. Hey partner and myself had issues over the years as well. Nothing too bad thankfully.

In your case, he's stepping into those shoes and for me this is the absolute, 100% must be sure part. Is he ready and willing for those shoes? 2 days and already getting cold feet is a bad sign I'm afraid to say. Lack of quality time? Yeah welcome to Parenthood.

I think you need to lay it out, don't be harsh or put him on the spot but be honest, it's an all or nothing package and he needs to be sure because young children can't have daddies coming and going. They need the stability and love of a reliable person. If he isn't that person, he needs to walk away now.

JustAThought

krissovo wrote: »

As man who has gone through a similar experience I would say its a bit deeper than just looking after kids and they are just the outlet of general frustration.

Men by nature want to be the providers and he is now in a established home with well sorted mother (are you independent?) that I would assume has a great handle on things. He probably feels right now his worth is only to look after the kids in a home that someone else has paid for, decorated and planned.

I would talk openly to him, plan some changes to the home and garden so he can feel he is part of the home and apply some of his personality to the home.

As for the child minding, no quick wins there but how I am dealing with looking after kids at the moment in lockdown is to work part time using holiday allowance and reduced hours. I still log in at 9am and log off at 5 or 6pm but actual work is only about 5 hours and I attend all the meetings I need too and be flexible when I am working so I can attend my kids and school them.

I absolutely would NOT recommend this at all - particularly given the certain situation. Legally, after living with you for two years in your house, he becomes yiur commin law husband and has right to claim half your house regardless of never having paid a penny into it. If he was paying regular rent this would not be such a clear issue in the eyes of the court. However, if he does material improvements to the house such as maintenance, putting down a floor, gardening -
then it improves his claim towards owning the house. You should make him pay rent - and log it.

Girl up the road inherited her family home, her b/f moved in a few years later, didn’t pay rent, put down a floor in the hallway, she came home one dy to find him in (her) bed with another woman and threw him out. He took her to court over being his commonlaw wife and wanted the assets split - she had to sell her home that he never paid a penny into and give him half. Had she charged him even fifty quid rent a month and been able to prove it and had she never let him ’iinvest time and money and make material
changes to the house’ she would have kept her home. Shocking stuff.

Regardless why are you letting all the men you in reltionships live iff your back for free? Your ex pays for and contributes little if nothing and this has become an issue for your new b/f, and it seems your new b/f also pays for/ contributes nothing financially. Great deal for both of them. What about you? And surely you need to be planning and saving for your kids futures or quality of life - use the rent/ household contribution/ and ex’s financial contribution towards his kids to do this. If you and your b/f has kids will you still be working, paying for everything or will your b/f - or will he divide the rooms down into the one you,he and your shared baby use and only pay for the rent, light and heat for these!

I still say he has a point thou and your ex needs to cough up and pay for his childrens - and your babysitting/au pair needs. You are not a general servant/workhorse/ free bank and you should not IMO be letting either of them casually treat like like their mother with free board and lodgings and some nice cuddling and sex thrown in for good measure. Being a high powered career woman and earning well and paying your way is one thing but being taken for a financial ride by all who come your way is a totally different.

Niner leprauchan

Niner leprauchan wrote: »

because young children can't have daddies coming and going. They need the stability and love of a reliable person. If he isn't that person, he needs to walk away now.

He is not their daddy though. They have a daddy. She needs to get him to step up instead of using her new boyfriend as one

Recliner

bubblypop wrote: »

He is not their daddy though. They have a daddy. She needs to get him to step up instead of using her new boyfriend as one

In fairness, she might be able to get maintenance money from their biological father, but she can't force him to step up and have a relationship with them if he doesn't want to.
Being a deadbeat Dad might be morally wrong, but that's all.
I think the focus needs to be on the kids here.
And I don't agree that she's using her boyfriend as a replacement Daddy. He must have known the situation when he moved in. And while the Corona virus situation is extreme, it doesn't bode well that in the event of a future crisis, an illness for example, that he could potentially pull the same stroke.

But he can be involved in the children's lives without being used as a replacement.
It's not his responsibility to raise them, he could have a very full relationship with them without being their new 'daddy '

Jurgen Klopp

I'll never understand two things when it comes to relationships where someone has kids from a previous.

This they already have a dad/mam I'm not looking for another is rubbish, if you are just seeing each other grand but if you move in together no matter how you spin it then yes, they are taking on a role of a parent. They will be contributing financially whether it be rent, mortgage or food and other bills. Just because he/she doesn't fork out €200 for little Jonny's new Nike runners doesn't mean they aren't responsible or filling a parental role. They have to live with them, expecting that they won't ever babysit or play with them or do the school run is ridiculous.

Equally I don't understand moving in together and then saying these are my kids he/she has no say in how they are raised or disciplined, it's completely ridiculous it makes the other partner a money pot and nothing more if they are in a household and have zero say or input into kids that they are supporting and yes, they are supporting them

I'd also add any man or woman who moves in with someone with kids and expects they won't have to do any sort of parenting like the OPs partner are living in Dreamland and need to be realistic about what's involved

LegacyUser

I come from a different side. Is he able to discipline the children and do they respect him. It's incredibly frustrating to "mind" someone else's children while they are not listening to you and you have no authority to discipline them. Is there clash in this area? Maybe he decided to step back as it is taking a toll on him. Look up " nacho academy".

Dial Hard

JustAThought wrote: »

Legally, after living with you for two years in your house, he becomes yiur commin law husband and has right to claim half your house regardless of never having paid a penny into it. If he was paying regular rent this would not be such a clear issue in the eyes of the court. However, if he does material improvements to the house such as maintenance, putting down a floor, gardening -
then it improves his claim towards owning the house. You should make him pay rent - and log it.

This is incorrect. We don't have common law marriage in Ireland, the Cohabitation Act of 2010 applies instead. The OP's partner has no claim on her house until they've been living together for five years (it's two for cohabitants who have children together) and even after that, the right is not automatic and it's certainly not necessarily to half of the house.

AulWan

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

He knew your situation before you moved in together and if he had an issue telling you 3 weeks into a lockdown is a bit late.

I haven't read the other posts, but could it be that your partner is simply feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all?

You've had years to grow into being a parent, he has moved in with you, and suddenly is thrown into sharing responsibility for three children. It's a lot.

Step parenting is difficult at the best of times. I'd be a little patient, and maybe not expect so much, so soon. Its only six months in.

He should absolutely be contributing towards the household costs, but the kids should be maintained financially by you and their father, and their father should be taking on more of a parenting role (though I acknowledge this is outside of your control).

AulWan

Just to add, its easy (or easier) to have patience with your children when they're your own.

But that doesn't come so easy when they are not. I have two children (grown now) and would have had a lot of patience with them, because it came naturally but I am not even half as tolerant or patient with anyone elses kids!

I have nieces and nephews that I adore - for a weekend! I often minded them for a few days so my siblings could get away but I was glad to see them go home at the end of it.

I have a lot of time for anyone who is step parenting, it is often a thankless role.

the14thwarrior

I would be concerned if he wants to have a baby with you, but is annoyed at babysitting "another mans children". it would seem to me that this is a really bad idea.
he had to have known that coming to live with someone in a house, with two children, he would need to be involved with the children living there.
you can't seperate them out.
you just can't.

the choice of his words is interesting, I'm sorry but it seems to me that this is not equal nor a loving relationship, and he should not be in the house if he uses words like "another mans children" especially since he knows full well the children don't really have a father.

and when you have a child with him, he will always treat your children differently, because they are "another mans children" and you won't be a family unit.

if he has not taken them on board by now, and you haven't discussed a future together but he wants his own child of his own, i'd be very wary of fulfilling his desire to be a father - since 2 days is all it took for him to come out with a comment such as"another mans children". God bless the children, they are only children. thats all. just kids.

and I wonder have they already picked up that? how he might feel about them

forget about their deadbeat dad, he doesn't come into your picture, if he was, you would not be posting this. thats a different argument altogether.

HamSarris

I'm sick of minding the kids may be code for - I'm getting sick of this relationship and unless you make my life as easy as possible, I'm moving on. It's unlikely that this guy ever liked minding the kids - it was a sacrifice to keep the relationship going. Now after 2 years the excitement and physical attraction may not be as strong. He may be thinking more selfishly at this stage - I've moved to a different part of the country, I work during the day and come home to work as a childcare assistant in the evening for free. The OP may feel like he's getting a good deal but we all see life from our own selfish, entitled perspective.

My sense of this area is that single mothers should try to date single fathers and vice versa. It just makes everything far simpler and there is no power imbalance. Guys with no kids just seem to mess mothers around - have fun for a couple of months then randomly feel they aren't 'ready' for the responsibility.

This guy may have various 'red flags' but the dating scene for single mothers is like a communist convention.

Tork

I though that wording "Another man's children" was problematic too. It's dehumanising them, isn't it? They're not Mary or John but this other man's progeny which for some reason are living in your house. It goes without saying that being a step parent is tricky and it isn't for everyone. For some people, sharing a house with someone else's kids is a step too far. Being kind, this man didn't realise what he was letting himself in for when he moved in and now he's struggling. In the circumstances, that talk of having a baby together sounds more like a dog marking his territory than anything else. You already know from experience that having children is the one thing that impinges on couples spending time together.

leggo

I think him wanting a baby just fits into what I was saying early in the thread: that’s his way of getting a foothold in the relationship where he’s actually a tangible part of the family and not completely disposable and removed. It’s not a logical solution when he’s rejecting the current living situation as is stands, so it’s not something he actually wants, sadly it’s one of these cases where a baby is being used as a catch-all ‘solution’ to problems. Which of course is a terrible reason to have kids that rarely ends well.

It may be a case that this setup just isn’t for him, it isn’t for many and, even if you think it is, there are so many aspects of it that you can’t possibly prepare for.

Either way and honest chat is clearly needed here and OP needs to react to that with an open mind and ask if his concerns are valid and can be accommodated. If not, that’s fine too, but that’s the end of the line.

AulWan

Tork wrote: »

Being kind, this man didn't realise what he was letting himself in for when he moved in and now he's struggling.

This is it. In a nutshell.

I'd say that moving in, planning another baby was all great in theory in his mind, but the reality is proving much more difficult.

I wouldn't toss him out just yet, but I would say to hold off on any plans for adding to the family anytime soon. And get the financials sorted.

suicide_circus

yep i'd say he thought he could hack it but 6 months in and he discovers he's not able for it. dosnt make him an arsehole, just means he's not the man for you. most people dont want to look after other people's kids.

afkasurfjunkie

Was probably grand while kids were at school for a lot of the day. Much different situation now with all kids home full time. Plenty of families struggling with it.

Tork

The kids have already been rejected by their own father and that's bound to have an impact on them at some stage. They'll figure out at some stage that their mother's partner isn't all that interested either and that is going to cause a new set of problems. This is the thin edge of the wedge and it's more likely that his relationship with your kids is going to deteriorate rather than improve.

Aufbau

OP, just to pick up on someone else's comment about discipline. Maybe that phrase 'another man's children' came about because he's getting 'you're not my Dad' thrown at him regularly. It can be easy enough to get on with children in short doses when they're not your own. Two days in a row may be too much for both children and adult - too much of 'I don't have to do what you say', 'You can't tell me what to do', 'No I won't', 'You're not my real Dad'.

qwerty13

Aufbau wrote: »

OP, just to pick up on someone else's comment about discipline. Maybe that phrase 'another man's children' came about because he's getting 'you're not my Dad' thrown at him regularly. It can be easy enough to get on with children in short doses when they're not your own. Two days in a row may be too much for both children and adult - too much of 'I don't have to do what you say', 'You can't tell me what to do', 'No I won't', 'You're not my real Dad'.

I think that’s a really good point.

Tbh tho, I don’t understand if you’re so financially sorted, why you have a relatively recent BF minding your kids, as opposed to paying for someone to do that. I’m sensing that in itself could be a source of tension, if not a shock to his system.

Having said that, I really don’t get why he isn’t properly paying his way. It sounds as though you both didn’t sit down and make proper arrangements about money and childcare before he moved in, and you’re now dealing with the fallout of that.

ETA: and the working of opposite shifts to save on childcare costs sounds like you have hardly any time where you see each other, let alone have time as a couple. I don’t know if you’re finding that frustrating - but he very obviously is. I’d be wondering what I’d moved across the country for if I were him (albeit getting free bed and board).

lunamoon

Is the current childcare situation not due to covid 19? It doesn't matter how financially stable you are, childminders/creches aren't operational for another few weeks.

Jurgen Klopp

lunamoon wrote: »

Is the current childcare situation not due to covid 19? It doesn't matter how financially stable you are, childminders/creches aren't operational for another few weeks.

To be going by the OP it was "we usually work opposite shifts to minimise child costs" so sounds like it was the routine before c19

Lad could also be wondering if he's just been settled for to provide a 2nd income and daddy figure if they spend so little time together too. Don't underestimate family and friends could be raising it with him too

I'm seen something similar, single mother to 2 gets with a fella and he's moved in within 12 months and it's all happy families until he is doing all the child minding, homework, school runs while she works until late and weekends a lot

Family and friends noticed it so much they raised it with him even tho she seems nice enough, it's a kinda what exactly are you getting out of this. She's never at home and you are raising her kids for her

I don't know seems very unfair to me