Is it me that’s mean?

u1navxomlkrjq7

Hi, before the Coronavirus outbreak myself and my girlfriend jointly decided to go away on a city break. When we go away i don't mind paying for more of it than her so we both paid for our own flights but I booked and paid for the 3 night’s accommodation myself. When we were there I also paid or about 70% of the meals and drinks. At one stage during the trip we were in a market and my girlfriend asked me for the loan of €30 to buy stuff for herself and her family as she had no cash on her so I gave to her. Kinda forgot about it after until we got back and so I just asked for it back recently.

My girlfriend is irate about this and is making me feel really guilty about asking for it back. Her reasoning is that she decided not to give it back and that would buy a few small meals for the remainder of the trip in lieu of it (she did buy breakfast and lunch the last day of the trip) and not tell me she decided this. My point now is that how was I meant to know this and even with her buying a few small meals I still paid for about 70% of everything we ate and drank there and also entirely for the accommodation. She also brought back 800 cigarettes which she sold at a profit to her friends.

So now I’m been made to feel guilty and like a tight ass for asking for my money back, its not even the amount it’s the principle. I was basically subsidising a trip away for her and she still decided to borrow money off me and not pay it back. To me it seems like taking liberties but maybe its me that has the problem and I’m just mean. What do ye think?

Salary Negotiator

I think if someone asks to borrow money, even €30, they should pay it back.

Metroid diorteM

Sounds like she compensated by doing the lunch thing without explaining (which is fine) so you can compensate by not offering as much going forward.

gmisk

Do you earn considerably more than her?
How long have you been together?
I think taking things turn about when it comes to paying would be the norm at least at start of a relationship.
I would expect her to wise up and pay the money she lent back tbh.

I'd pay for a lot less going forward as in 50/50. You were doing a nice thing by paying for the accomodation.

Myself and my husband use a monese card (bit like a revolut) we both throw money on it (same amount) and it is used for eating out, groceries etc.

weemcd

Sounds a bit rich from her tbh. It sounds to me you were more than generous. From the way you lay it out it sounds like her paying for a few meals or drinks or whatever, should have been the minimum if you paid for the majority of everything else. The 30 quid would be a separate "luxury" to this, in my opinion. I wouldn't fault you for asking for that back.

At the same time it's only 30 euro and anything for an easy life etc etc so I dunno...

u1navxomlkrjq7

gmisk wrote: »

Do you earn considerably more than her?
How long have you been together?
I think taking things turn about when it comes to paying would be the norm at least at start of a relationship.
I would expect her to wise up and pay the money she lent back tbh.

I'd pay for a lot less going forward as in 50/50. You were doing a nice thing by paying for the accommodation.

Myself and my husband use a monese card (bit like a revolut) we both throw money on it (same amount) and it is used for eating out, groceries etc.

I earn a bit more and that's why I always pay for more stuff when we are away and generally also usually pay for the full cost of either the accommodation or flights for both of us. We are together about a year and a half. I don't mind paying more for trips, food and drinks etc.

AlphabetCards

Just sack her off now tbh. You'll be taken to the cleaners forever.

osarusan

My view on it would be that if you borrow money for somebody, you should pay it back as money, and only in an alternative way (next day's lunch etc) with the agreement of the person who loaned it to you.

She can't have failed to notice that you paid for more than half of the overall costs too. Now, it sounds like you don't have a problem with that in general, just that she took advantage on this particular occasion.

If I were in her shoes, I'd be quite aware that I was getting more than I was paying for, and would be careful not to take liberties with that.

You are an an uncomfortable situation now where you come across as stingy for looking for a small sum, but there's a bigger picture also.

I suppose you have to decide whether to put your foot down about this €30 and have an argument, or just accept the loss but be a bit more careful from now on.

Maybe in future don't delay asking for money back so long, so it doesn't come out of nowhere.

afkasurfjunkie

She bought cigarettes to sell at a profit to her friends? That’s a bit much. Says a lot about her attitude to money I think. What’s hers is hers and what’s yours is hers.

AulWan

A loan is a loan.

She should pay it back and stop being petty.

I'd be more annoyed at her feeling she has something to be annoyed about because you asked, then about the €30 to be honest.

Thats a red flag for someone who is taking advantage of you.

qwerty13

Not asking the amount, but what’s “a bit more”? 1k, 10k, more than that?

However, even if you earn a lot more, asking for money to buy things for her family would irritate me. I don’t think that was reasonable of her. Sounds a bit like she takes things for granted about you paying for things. I think you’re generous, not mean.

spaceHopper

If there is a next trip, start off with kitty with 100 each in it and then top it up as needed. She'll soon come to realize that she's had it to good

zapper55

Oh theres so many red flags here OP. Her sense of entitlement is gross. Did she even thank you for the accommodation? I think paying for much more all the time creates a bad precedent. And big whoop her paying for meals that she is eating too, shes making a big deal of doing something that you have been doing all along.

You aren't being mean but shes used to you being overly generous and is sulking because you rightly ask for the money back.

Also this craic of making a profit from her friends is scummy, never mind that it's from cigarettes which is even worse.

I'd advise you to take a hard look at this relationship. Does she show her appreciation in other ways, maybe buying concert tickets for you, cooking dinner etc? If it I'd be very concerned that she will get worse if you were ever to get married, have kids etc.

u1navxomlkrjq7

Thanks all. Mods you can lock/close this thread now as I just wanted to get some third party opinions on whether it was me that was being unreasonable asking for the money back.

paw patrol

AlphabetCards wrote: »

Just sack her off now tbh. You'll be taken to the cleaners forever.

while this post seems excessive. the poster has a very valid point.

when you are settled down or married you'll realise how somebody respects money is so important in a relationship.
The problem is , that realisation almost always comes v late in the game .

Huntergonzo

I know it's only €30 but that's what worries me here as well. If I lent someone €30 and they got 'irate' when I asked for that small amount back then I wouldn't lend them a copper cent ever again.

Now aboviously if it's your missus then there's a lot more to consider but if she flies off the handle over €30 that would worry me!

fishy_fishy

Honestly if you're otherwise happy with the relationship I'd write off getting that €30 back and just calmly put it in the context that you had paid for the hotel, and for most of the food. You thought that her paying for your half of those 3 meals was just her levelling food costs out a little and in future if that's how she intends to repay she should say so.

But no, you're not being unreasonable.

u1navxomlkrjq7

Thanks all, no need for any more replies as I've got enough opinions now, just waiting for the thread to be locked

Big Bag of Chips

Hi chilliwilly, thread locked as per your request.

In future you would be better off reporting your post where you requested the lock. Moderators don't read all threads and all posts, so if there is something that needs our attention it is best to report it.

Thanks,
BBoC