Rejected by guy 10 years ago, and now again

LegacyUser

I was with this guy 10 years ago. He treated me really badly and in the end ghosted me, and I was devastated. I was young and shouldn't have allowed him to use me as he did, but I was absolutely crazy about him and had never felt this attraction to anyone, and actually never have felt such a strong attraction since. He tried to reach out to me a few years later but I ignored him.

Recently however we re-connected on Tinder, I swiped right out of curiosity and we started chatting. I was slagging him about ghosting me and he was profusely apologetic. He told me he was only 21 and still an idiot and immature but he's changed now. He seemed totally different, and he has had two serious relationships since then and I took this as a good sign, clearly he's emotionally mature enough now to hold down a relationship.

Today we were chatting and I asked if he knew what he was looking for at the moment.

He said "I don't want anything serious at the moment, I've had two serious relationships and am not ready for anything like that again."

So basically he just wants me for sex, again.

I feel I am a nice woman, I'm sociable and funny and I guess I'm attractive. But he doesn't see any of that in me. It hurts that he's had serious relationships with other women, but to him, for some reason I'm nothing. Just someone to have sex with. He had a bit of a reputation as a player in the past so I know it's not just me he's messed around. But the fact he can have long term relationships with others, just not with me, still really hurts.

I feel like I'm 21 experiencing the rejection all over again. This time around I actually thought he saw my worth, but he didn't. He was even teling me how much he liked me all those years ago, but I'm guessing he just wanted to butter me up. Sorry for the vent, I'm just so hurt and annoyed at myself for being naive.

eviltwin

I don't think he's doing anything wrong here. You reached out to him and he's been very honest with you about what he wants (I'm assuming you haven't met up yet).

He has valid reasons for not wanting anything serious, after two relationships at a relatively young age it's natural to want something casual for a bit. That's not a reflection on you, it's just a reflection on where he is right now. Try not to take it personally.

Clearly you are still holding onto some resentment about how he treated you which is fair enough but he's apologised for it and seems to have gained some maturity. If you are still upset them you need to look at why you look at someone not wanting a relationship as a sign theres something wrong with you. There's not, there is someone out there who will be looking for the same thing you are.

Xterminator

Hi OP

this guy is being honest with you - the bad ones lie and string you along. he doesnt owe you a relationship, or anything like that - dont go down that road!

sure its a blow to your self esteem, and having vent may help resote the calm! Good luck.

Tokyo

rejected11 wrote: »

Today we were chatting and I asked if he knew what he was looking for at the moment.

He said "I don't want anything serious at the moment, I've had two serious relationships and am not ready for anything like that again."

He has been perfectly upfront about where he is in life, relationship-wise. Someone with less integrity would tell you what you wanted to hear in order to get you into bed.

rejected11 wrote: »

So basically he just wants me for sex, again.

That is a little unfair to the guy in question - one doesn't necessarily imply the other. Like it or not, not everybody on tinder is looking for their next serious relationship - some are window shopping, others are looking for someone to spend time with, so on and so forth.

A question you might want to ask yourself is this - do you want to be with this guy because you genuinely like the person he is right now, or is it because you are looking for some sort of redemption for what happened ten years ago? That doesn't necessarily change the situation you are in, but it may change your outlook on it.

Either way, the guy has made his stance pretty clear, and has put the ball firmly in your court as to whether you want to continue as is with no strings attached, or whether you want to invest your energies elsewhere.

Idle Passerby

He hasn't rejected you this time because all your doing is chatting. He's told you where he stands, allowing you to decide if you are on the same page or not.

The rejection 10 years ago is obviously still a sore point for you so arguably reconnecting with someone you still have complicated feelings for was a bad idea. I think you should try to forget him and put the past behind you. A relationship that ended a decade ago shouldn't have this much sway over your feelings now.

Big Bag of Chips

If this is all very recent, then I assume due to Covid-19 restrictions you haven't physically met up with this fella yet, and haven't had sex? If that's the case then he hasn't used you for sex.

I also agree with the others, I don't believe he's led you on at all. You're at the stage where you're chatting. Finding out if you're both looking for the same thing. The fact that he has had 2 other relationships is irrelevant. He hasn't rejected you. He doesn't even know you!! He used to know you 10 years ago.

Just because someone has had previous relationships doesn't mean they are obliged to get into a relationship again with someone (just because there's history?). At the moment he is not looking for a relationship. That is perfectly acceptable. He's chatting to you at the moment. There's no guarantee a meeting will even be arranged. And now that you know you're both looking for different things then absolutely there's no reason to meet him. You do have a choice! You don't have to have sex with him. And if you have sex with him because you want to then you can't claim he used you or led you on.

You know now where he stands. You have a choice.

The chan chan man

Sometimes people do just want sex, and that’s perfectly fine. The main thing here is he’s told you this BEFORE you’ve had sex which is a very decent thing to do.

He hasn’t used you, I suspect that you’re still resentful over the last time and feel like he owes you something..?

Big Bag of Chips

rejected11 wrote: »

I feel I am a nice woman, I'm sociable and funny and I guess I'm attractive. But he doesn't see any of that in me...

I'd say he did see this in you. But it doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you. Lots of men I know are nice men, sociable, funny, some of them are even attractive. It doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with all of them, or any of them! It just means they're nice people. Not everybody is going to be attracted to you in a romantic sense.

This time around I actually thought he saw my worth, but he didn't.

This is a very dramatic way of thinking, and I do hope it's just your knee-jerk reaction to finding out he's not interested in a relationship. But your "worth" isn't dependent on him wanting to be in a relationship with you. I think over the 10 years you have kept him on a pedestal. You say yourself you've never felt that attraction for others. I think at this stage you need to lick your wounds, allow yourself to be a bit upset that things didn't work out with this fella. Then unmatch yourselves and don't go back. It didn't work out 10 years ago, for whatever number of reasons. It's unlikely to work out now.

That's no reflection on you or your worth, or on him.

osarusan

The guy doesn't like you in the way you want him to like you.

You want him to view you are long-term relationship material,but, for whatever reason, he doesn't. He has effectively told you that directly.

I don't think you can do anything to change that, and if you tried, you'd just end up getting hurt again.

bitofabind

First of all, be carefully with your language. He didn’t “reject you a second time”. You haven’t even met him! He was upfront about where his head is at, which has nothing to do with you. And does point to him being a little bit older and wiser this time.

And secondly, you clearly are placing a lot of your self worth in the wrong places, if your need for this guy from your past to “approve” of you ten years later is anything to go by. Let it go and find a firmer foundation for your self esteem than men from your past and men on dating apps. Learn to like yourself and you’ll be able to see these situations for what they are - guy that doesn’t want the same things as me - rather than what you believe they mean about you - I am not worthy of love and I am not enough.

Sephiroth_dude

Un-match him and don't give him the opportunity to treat you badly again, you deserve better.

SozBbz

OP you have to realise that for most of us, we only end up being serious wiht a handful of people throughout our lives, maybe ultimately only one person.

This does not mean that everyone else we encounter in life is deficient in some way - they're just not right for us and thats fine.

For what its worth, I don't believe the whole "not ready for a relationship" line 99% of the time. Irrespective of circumstance, most people will somehow magically be ready if they meet the right person. Thats not to say that I feel he's lying per say, its perfectly logical to feel unenthused or reluctant to seek out something new if you've been through a lot, but if someone who he truly felt was special (for him) was stood infront of him, I think it would go out the window.

This man has told you where he stand and IMO thats fair enough. It sounds like you maybe don't have good judgement/objectivity when it comes to him, so for your own sake you should politely back away and save yourself the heartache. You'll probably always like him that bit more than he likes you and that doesnt tend to end well.

You need to remember that this is not a reflection on you personally, just that you're not a match.

bitofabind

SozBbz wrote: »

For what its worth, I don't believe the whole "not ready for a relationship" line 99% of the time. Irrespective of circumstance, most people will somehow magically be ready if they meet the right person.

Might be true in many cases, but also, it kinda doesn't matter. All that matters is that this guy doesn't want and can't give the OP what she needs. So speculation as to why that is, is largely irrelevant.

We all get so caught up in our own neurosis when it comes to dating and relationships and can end up projecting all sorts of personal beliefs into how others are responding to us. i.e the OP's "he only wants to use me for sex and I'm hurt that I'm not good enough for a relationship", when all the fella said was "not keen on anything serious right now".

That's the wrong thing to focus on. The right thing to focus on is a very simple concept: what do I need? Can this fella meet my needs? And no he can't. He couldn't ten years ago and he still can't now. He's spelled that out in black and white now, so OP, if you're reading more into it, I'd use it as a good chance to work on your self-esteem and try to get to the bottom of these beliefs so they don't hold you back in other dating scenarios.

TLDR: rejection sucks. But it's also verified information that someone is not right for you and it's also not personal.

SozBbz

bitofabind wrote: »

Might be true in many cases, but also, it kinda doesn't matter. All that matters is that this guy doesn't want and can't give the OP what she needs. So speculation as to why that is, is largely irrelevant.

We all get so caught up in our own neurosis when it comes to dating and relationships and can end up projecting all sorts of personal beliefs into how others are responding to us. i.e the OP's "he only wants to use me for sex and I'm hurt that I'm not good enough for a relationship", when all the fella said was "not keen on anything serious right now".

Thats not what my post says though. I was saying that if you've being given that excuse, then take is as read that you're not the one for him. Under other circumstances they may like you enough and end up casually dating, but you're not "the one" for them.

It sounds cold when expressed like that, but people will often give all sort of reasons when the reality is they're just not that bothered. For context, we all meet and date lots of perfectly nice people throughout our lives, but they can't all be the one we end up finding lasting happiness with. Thats no relection on those individuals per say, just a reflection on the fact that very few connections in life are that significant.

The OP shouldnt focus on his perceived readiness or whatver he's saying. She needs to focus on the fact that he's told her he's not the person to give her what she wants. In a roundabout way, he has actually been quite clear. His feelings don't match or mirror her own. For her own sanity, she needs to forget about him.

AulWan

Wish him well, and walk away. No hard feelings. Put the past behind you and face forward.