Getting out of emotionally unhealthy relationship

Anonuser123

I’m the girl who posted the thread a while ago about my partner falsely accusing me of masturbating during the night.
After our most recent disagreement last week I think I need to get out of the relationship. He has anger issues, he says extremely hurtful things with no regard for my feelings and he gaslights me.
I’m really scared. We have a house together (deeds 80% in my name as I put much more in to the deposit) we have a wedding booked for April next year.
I’m scared of everything I have to lose and also scared of what I’m signing up to if I don’t leave

Porklife

Hi Op, I remember your last thread and it was a tough read. I was due to marry a guy like you describe but I walked away 8 weeks before the wedding. I can honestly say it was both the hardest but greatest thing I've ever done.
Things will only get worse if you stay I can guarantee that. By staying you are inadvertently telling him it's ok to treat you that way and his ****ty behaviour will escalate rapidly. Gaslighting is such an insipid form of abuse. It makes you question yourself and your sanity and chips away at your self-esteem.
My ex used to randomly ignore me and storm past me around the house. When I'd ask what's wrong he'd accuse me of having said something the night before that I wouldn't have said. He'd punch walls and throw things at me.
He'd accuse me of flirting with my male friends, slagged my family and tried to drive a wedge between us and eventually did something so horrific to me that I literally fled in the middle of the night. Best thing I ever did and I felt so empowered.
I urge you to please leave this man. At first it will seem scary and daunting but it will get better and you'll be happier than you knew possible. I had to live in a hotel for a few weeks after I left and had to cancel all the wedding plans. Friends and family had booked flights from across the world to come to the wedding but they were thrilled when they heard I had left him cos unbeknownst to me, they all hated him! They could see him for who he really is.
Op this man is making you miserable and he will only get worse. He doesn't respect you and you deserve love and happiness and to be with someone who adores you.
I've been with a guy for the last few months and he is amazing. He treats me with respect and makes me feel beautiful and happy. My life is incomparable to how it was with my ex.
I was so scared leaving him and living in a hotel and I felt really isolated but very soon afterwards I bounced back stronger than ever.
Please leave this man Op. You will be so much happier without him and it will grant you the opportunity to meet somebody special who will adore you.
You only get one shot at this life. Do not waste it on this excuse for a man.

Anonuser123

Thank you for your reply pork life, you are so brave to have gotten out of that relationship and I’m glad that you’ve found new happiness. I honestly believed things would be different he said he would work on communication and conflict resolution, but I guess he’ll never change. He gives me the cold shoulder, then denies it or blames it on me and when I call him out he attacks me (not physically) and says really horrible things, I feel like he can’t just admit when he’s in the wrong and he’ll drag up anything he can to hurt me. I called him out on using the joint account card to buy alcohol etc that he consumed by himself while we weren’t speaking - this is for bills and house groceries, he said how he’s the one who has a car and drives us around (I don’t drive). He also used the fact that he made dinner and washed up every night (I’m working on the front line) to take a dig at me - even though I told him I appreciated that he was doing that. I do much more than my fair share in the house and also financially but I would never use it as ammunition in an argument. This is an example of how he behaves. I don’t even know where to start or how to go about this. My friends say I should suggest relationship counseling, but I think I know deep down he won’t change

Tork

Your fiancé sounds like an abusive bully and you're right to now realise that you're in a toxic relationship. When you're in a relationship like this one appears to be, couples counselling is just about the worst thing you could do. From what you're telling us about your fiancé (I haven't read the other thread), he sounds like the sort of person who'd use what was said in counselling as ammunition. Your friends haven't been in this relationship so they don't really know what it has been like for you. They mean well but their advice might not be the best for you.

For obvious reasons, this isn't a great time to be ending a relationship but you could do some groundwork. From an emotional point of view, talk to some trusted friends and family just to get this off your chest. From a practical point of view, Women's Aid would be a good place to start. They can give you useful practical advice about how to put in place a plan to exit this relationship.

To my untutored eye, the trickiest part is going to be that house you both bought together. That's going to have to be sorted legally. I presume nothing can be done about that until this lockdown ends.

Jimmy Bottlehead

With all you've told us OP, why aren't you currently getting out and ending it? What's preventing you?

Anonuser123

Hi Jimmy, we have 5 years history, when we get on well it’s amazing. This type of incident would happen once every couple of months. I’m afraid of starting over again on my own.
I approached him an hour ago and said I can’t go on like this it needs to stop, does he want to try counseling. His response - whatever, if you want.
I want to be in a relationship where if there’s a bump in the road we both want to work through it. His attitude was very ‘I don’t give a ****’ and he still seems angry. What’s the point. I’m a bit of an emotional wreck right now

Kidchameleon

You mention that you have some joint financial commitments. Well that is nothing compared to how it will be when married. Get out now whilst it is relatively uncomplicated. This has all the signs of getting worse once married. Dont be afraid of starting again, that would be far better than a life of misery. He shows no signs of improvement.

shesty

Yeah sorry OP, marriage and potentially kids would be hell with this.

Relationships shouldn't be mostly ok, with this level of extreme being the bad bits.And I can tell you now, if there are ever kids....they bring up every bit of anything that is bubbling under the surface, they put a strain on your relationship you can't imagine.He cannot cope now and he sounds like a resentful child who was never taught how to control his temper, that is not going to improve.

Unfortunately I would recommend you do leave.Maybe hang on til this lockdown ends if you can but leaving is probably the best of options terrifying and all though it is.

Airyfairy12

You wont change him. He's a bully, incredibly insecure and no awareness of his own behavior it seems, wont take any responsibility for how he behaves. It all sounds incredibly emotionally draining, berating you because he cooked the dinner and washed up, what a needy, self entitled man child.
It is ringing bells for me as I have been in a similar relationship, thankfully we hadn't bought a house together but we were living together. I didnt realise it at that time, it was only when I stepped away from the relationship and the environment that I realised how much he had chipped away at my self esteem. When it was good between us it really was good and I kept holding on for those moments but the rollercoaster of it all and the walking on eggshells left me a bit of a nervous wreck, always on edge and blaming myself for his behavior, trying to keep him happy but of course nothing was good enough, if he had nothing to fight over he'd make something up just because..

Id would rather be single for ever than live my life in that nightmare. You dont realise it when youre in the relationship, it feels too scary to leave, the unknown and change is hard and initially after the break up you doubt yourself and wonder if you did the right thing, they come back begging for you to get back together. I always did and the cycle continued until I finally walked away for good. Wish I had done it years before.

Anonuser123

Thanks so much everyone. After my attempt to talk at home he went out for a walk and sent me a text message - he wasn’t in the mood to talk today so the conversation wasn’t productive but he is willing to talk tomorrow. In the text he also suggested a cooking schedule. He wants equality yet I paid 80% of the house deposit
I feel like he wants it to be on his terms. He also made me cry in work yesterday as he was texting rather than wait until I get home and have a conversation. He is a 34 year old man. I’m going to write a list of things that have happened, I will have a conversation with him at the weekend and I will be fully prepared so he can’t turn it on me again

HildaOgdenx

OP, I recall your previous thread.

As always in PI, it's entirely the prerogative of the OP whether or not they take advice on board. However, I would say you need to have a think about what posters have said here, so far, including those who have shared their experience of similar relationships.

Also, as has been pointed out by Tork above, couples counselling is not recommended in abusive relationships, which, in my opinion, this is.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Anonuser123 wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone. After my attempt to talk at home he went out for a walk and sent me a text message - he wasn’t in the mood to talk today so the conversation wasn’t productive but he is willing to talk tomorrow. In the text he also suggested a cooking schedule. He wants equality yet I paid 80% of the house deposit
I feel like he wants it to be on his terms. He also made me cry in work yesterday as he was texting rather than wait until I get home and have a conversation. He is a 34 year old man. I’m going to write a list of things that have happened, I will have a conversation with him at the weekend and I will be fully prepared so he can’t turn it on me again

I would urge you to read over all your posts again, then ask yourself what would you advise a friend or relative to do, if they were treated as you are.

And then I'd ask you the same question... Why stick with him?

You mention five years, but I'm sure you're familiar with the sunk cost fallacy. You know he's a crap partner. You know you want out. And you mention being afraid of starting over. Letting fear force you to accept someone nasty, as that's better than being alone. You just don't want to make the hard decision, which is understandable.
But it's a choice; Avoid the difficult choice, stick with him, live the rest of your life in misery. Or suck it up, face the difficult choice, ensure a difficult evening or day or week or whatever, get out and reclaim your life.

No poster on here can sit down to make that happen except you. It's unlikely anybody can even persuade you to do it, unless it is what you want.
It is absolutely 100% your choice what you do. So are the consequences and your life after. Best of luck.

Tork

OP, you seem to be backtracking at an alarming rate here. I think everyone understands why you don't want to "throw" this relationship away. 5 years is a long time to invest in one, especially when you feel you have nothing to show at the end of it all. Having to face into being single again after the security and status of being half a couple is bloody terrifying. I bet the word Tinder sends the shivers down your spine, eh? Then of course there's the "shame" of having to cancel the wedding and how it's a form of public announcement. Nobody wants to have to admit that the person they intended to marry isn't Mr Right after all. It's also hard to let go of the future you thought you had and to put those dreams and ambitions to bed.

Nothing you've written about this relationship makes me think it should be saved. The depressing thing is, you are going to lie to yourself and convince yourself that everything is going to be fine. You will let him bully you, call all the shots, gaslight you and make you cry. All because you are too scared to do the right thing. What would your parents say if they read this thread? Do you think they'd still advise you to marry this man?

Kidchameleon

Anonuser123 wrote: »

I’m afraid of starting over again on my own.

I know people don't like this kind of advise but it has to be said...


As far as I know OP you have not mentioned your age. You mention that your partner is 34. Assuming you are a similar age to him then the reality is that you have only a few years left where you can find a really good quality partner. The truth is, the best quality men will want to be with someone they can have a child with, that is just the way life is. This man you are with is not going to change. Things will not get better with him. You need to call of the wedding NOW and start finding some genuine happiness.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, ring your solicitor on Monday morning. Check how your ownership has been registered and ask them for their advice in the event that you break up.

If you feel scared, that's enough reason to not marry this man. He won't talk to you, is only going to counselling 'if you want'. It doesn't sound like he has any interest in addressing the issues you have. So, how can they be fixed?

Caranica

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I know people don't like this kind of advise but it has to be said...


As far as I know OP you have not mentioned your age. You mention that your partner is 34. Assuming you are a similar age to him then the reality is that you have only a few years left where you can find a really good quality partner. The truth is, the best quality men will want to be with someone they can have a child with, that is just the way life is. This man you are with is not going to change. Things will not get better with him. You need to call of the wedding NOW and start finding some genuine happiness.

We don't like this kind of advice because the only bit that's true is that her fiancé won't change and she needs to call off the wedding :mad:

OP forget about finding someone else. Focus on getting out of this one, on finding yourself, on healing and on loving yourself. This will take time but let it take time.

Despite what kidchameleon said, you're not in a race against time or against anything. You can find love at any time in your life. But you can't find real love until you love yourself and I know from your threads that your fiancé has made sure that you don't.

I was with my ex over ten years, married for more than half of that. I am a million times happier out of that relationship, it took a long time to build myself back up but I have no regrets. You can do it.

Anonuser123

Thank you everyone for your replies you are all totally right. I have let my fear of being alone and starting again and everything that comes with a breakup and canceling a wedding, cloud my judgement and deny myself true happiness. Over the past 24 hours I have confided in close friends and family who have been totally supportive and it has given me great comfort. I will seek legal advice regarding the house and get my ducks in s row. And as a poster said, probably best to wait until lockdown is over before I tell him it’s over.

Dog day

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I know people don't like this kind of advise but it has to be said...


As far as I know OP you have not mentioned your age. You mention that your partner is 34. Assuming you are a similar age to him then the reality is that you have only a few years left where you can find a really good quality partner. The truth is, the best quality men will want to be with someone they can have a child with, that is just the way life is. This man you are with is not going to change. Things will not get better with him. You need to call of the wedding NOW and start finding some genuine happiness.

OP, I’d strongly advise against heeding much of the above post, it smacks of assumptions & untruths. Plenty of people don’t want children & the wish whether to have them or not doesn’t dictate the quality of a persons character, be they male or female!

With regards to your situation, your partner has to be as invested in improving things as you are otherwise no amount of counselling will work. It sounds as though you’re quite miserable in this relationship, the past is behind you so don’t let fond memories of better times detract from the fact that this relationship currently isn’t making you happy at all. Also please don’t let fear of being alone deter you from leaving your partner. There are few things worse than staying in such an unhappy situation. True happiness comes from within. Wishing you all the best.

Porklife

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You wont change him. He's a bully, incredibly insecure and no awareness of his own behavior it seems, wont take any responsibility for how he behaves. It all sounds incredibly emotionally draining, berating you because he cooked the dinner and washed up, what a needy, self entitled man child.
It is ringing bells for me as I have been in a similar relationship, thankfully we hadn't bought a house together but we were living together. I didnt realise it at that time, it was only when I stepped away from the relationship and the environment that I realised how much he had chipped away at my self esteem. When it was good between us it really was good and I kept holding on for those moments but the rollercoaster of it all and the walking on eggshells left me a bit of a nervous wreck, always on edge and blaming myself for his behavior, trying to keep him happy but of course nothing was good enough, if he had nothing to fight over he'd make something up just because..

Id would rather be single for ever than live my life in that nightmare. You dont realise it when youre in the relationship, it feels too scary to leave, the unknown and change is hard and initially after the break up you doubt yourself and wonder if you did the right thing, they come back begging for you to get back together. I always did and the cycle continued until I finally walked away for good. Wish I had done it years before.

This 1000000%
I'm so sorry to hear you went through that Airy but very happy to hear that you were brave enough to leave. Fair play to you. Op, you have the bravery and resilience to leave too. Tork was right in saying couples counseling is the worst idea for you guys. I understand why friends may suggest that but going to counseling with an abusive man will give him ammunition. He will use it against you and throw everything you say back in your face. His reaction to your suggestion says it all.
You have to leave. If lockdown has taught me anything it's how precious and fragile life is. Please leave this man Op. I promise you it's the right move and will open so many doors for you.
I know how hard and scary it is to leave. I was in pieces when I left my waste of space ex but within a few weeks I was almost ecstatic with my new found freedom.
You know deep down what you need to do. Don't take the easy option and stay in the hopes he'll change. He won't.
Be brave. Leave. You can do this Op.

lainey_d_123

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I know people don't like this kind of advise but it has to be said...


As far as I know OP you have not mentioned your age. You mention that your partner is 34. Assuming you are a similar age to him then the reality is that you have only a few years left where you can find a really good quality partner. The truth is, the best quality men will want to be with someone they can have a child with, that is just the way life is. This man you are with is not going to change. Things will not get better with him. You need to call of the wedding NOW and start finding some genuine happiness.

Ridiculous, sexist claptrap.

Plenty of 'good quality' people don't want children. I have a friend (handsome, successful, ambitious and interesting) who met his wife when he was 39 and she was 40 and they were both doing something they loved - hiking in Georgia. He loved how independent she was and all the interesting things she's done and still wants to do. They don't have any interest in children and are looking forward to having lots of adventures together. Last I heard they were building an off-the-grid log cabin in the woods in Canada. They're a lovely couple and so well matched.

I can't stand how any woman over 30 is advised to make life decisions based on whether a man would want to procreate with her. Who cares? Making decisions because you feel like time is running out is the perfect way to end up in another abusive relationship. OP needs to take some time out of dating and figure out how to make herself happy, and if that means being a year or two older, that's far better than rushing into dating and making the same mistake again.

Kidchameleon

Dog day wrote: »

OP, I’d strongly advise against heeding much of the above post, it smacks of assumptions & untruths. Plenty of people don’t want children & the wish whether to have them or not doesn’t dictate the quality of a persons character, be they male or female!

I'm just assuming the OP wants children seeing as most people do. I think that is a fair enough assumption. If the OP is 34 then she needs to dump this loser asap or she will find it very difficult to have children. I am in no way saying that people who do not want children are in any way bad but the truth of the matter is, if you cannot have children or do not want children, the dating pool is much smaller, making it more difficult to find a partner. For what its worth, I agree that it is possible find a quality partner no matter what age we are.

Dog day

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I'm just assuming the OP wants children seeing as most people do. I think that is a fair enough assumption. If the OP is 34 then she needs to dump this loser asap or she will find it very difficult to have children. I am in no way saying that people who do not want children are in any way bad but the truth of the matter is, if you cannot have children or do not want children, the dating pool is much smaller, making it more difficult to find a partner. For what its worth, I agree that it is possible find a quality partner no matter what age we are.

Kidchameleon, in your original post you stated that the best quality men will wish to be with someone they can have children with & that if the OP is 34 time is running out to find a partner. Blanket statements of no value to the OP. I don’t wish to get into a back & forth on this I just felt compelled to comment as have a number of other posters.

Kidchameleon

Dog day wrote: »

Kidchameleon, in your original post you stated that the best quality men will wish to be with someone they can have children with & that if the OP is 34 time is running out to find a partner. Blanket statements of no value to the OP. I don’t wish to get into a back & forth on this I just felt compelled to comment as have a number of other posters.

Yes I did say that, and it was poorly worded on my part, apologies.

A better way of putting it would be that it would be much harder to find a quality man if you cannot/will not have children. That is not to say that those who do not want children are of poor quality. Each to their own.

I hope this clarified my advise to the OP and that we can all get back to advising her.

bitofabind

I love when a wise yoda type comes along here to remind an already distressed woman that her biological clock is ticking. Of course women aren't aware of these things about reproduction until an authoritative male figure gives them the facts on anonymous message boards when they're in their 30s and embellishes with some extra nuggets of wisdom as well, such as them being barren after the age of 35 and all the good men will have disappeared by then anyway.

OP: ignore all the noise around this and listen to your own instincts here. That's the only one that matters anyway. You know that you can't marry this man, and now you have to equip yourself with the necessary support to be able to walk away and start afresh. I'm really glad to read you've already start the process. Life is all about new beginnings, and like every man and woman that has walked away from an abusive relationship, you will start a new chapter too. You'll look back and be glad that you found the courage and you'll find strength and confidence in the fact that you stood up for yourself and walked away when you deserved better.

I wish you the best of luck.