How to raise self worth

linpoo

A few weeks ago I found out my childs father (who I had been seeing on and off for a couple of years) has been in a relationship with someone the last few years. Basically living a double life while seeing our child an hour here and there every few weeks. Have not heard from him since then and he has blocked me. This other woman contacted me out of the blue so this is how I found out.

Another friend of mine who is recently married (always had a thing for me according to him) wants to have an affair with me. Obviously I said no but that doesn't stop him constantly contacting me and trying to turn it sexual.

My question is why do I seem to attract these types and how to attract better types of men and how to raise self esteem and confidence so I'm stronger at dealing with these situations. Thanks

Ticking and Bashing

On and off relationships don’t really raise anyone’s self-esteem / self-worth. Going forward, it’s either a fully committed relationship or it’s no relationship at all. On and off relationships are usually a never-ending cycle and each breakup is usually for the same reason. I do get it though, it feels safe and familiar but in the long-run never works out.

The moment your friend made a suggestion to have an affair was unfortunately the end of that friendship. What a terrible thing for him to suggest! The best solution is probably to cut your ties with him.

Regarding attracting the right type, when / if things settle down and you start dating again, ensure that your values are aligned early on and only pursue relationships that increase your self-esteem and confidence. Learn to say ‘no’ to anything that shatters your self-esteem & confidence early on. Best of luck with it and I hope things work out for you. Also remind yourself that what has happened to you is not your fault! You did nothing wrong to attract these type of people. Like many many many women and men you've been unlucky in past.

bitofabind

Most attractive women will attract most types of men. Men in general. Nice men, ****ty men, men who want to treat you well, men who just want to get the leg over, men who wouldn't p1ss on you if you were on fire.

It's about who you choose to invest energy in and how you enforce your boundaries. What do boundaries look like? It's saying no to half-relationships (or "on-off relationships") because they require nothing from men and will encourage ****ty, selfish behaviours. It's telling your "friend" if he sexts you again you'll tell his wife and he'll never hear from you again. And then actually doing that if you hear from him again.

It's basically saying no to red flags regardless of your physical attraction and saying yes to people who align with the things that matter to you. What matters to you? Based on what you wrote, it's not dishonesty, lack of commitment and lack of integrity. So assuming then you're looking for an honest, trustworthy, kind, value-driven man. Do you lead with those qualities yourself? And do you actively seek them out in other people and walk away when they are blatantly not present? That's where you can start.

Kylta

I think so far your doing well you got rid of the childs father, who was getting his bit when it suited him, ( and suited you). The married friend is nothing more than a leech, and when he gets enough of what he wants from you his gone too. (I wonder what he thinks of his recently married wife,).
There are men and woman who go through life and take and take and give nothing back these people can assess very quickly whether a person is weak-willed, not confident etc.
Trust me when I say this their are a lot of very honest, trust worthy, sincere men out there, and if your strong, open, honest with yourself you will find one these men (thats if your looking for one).
And just a little tibbit for the women (I'm a man), real men don't go for trophy wives/partners, ( could you imagine being in lockdown with a stunningly gorgeous woman only to find out they have the brain span of a gnat) they go for women who have personalities that are strong, funny etc, irrelevant of looks, weight, height,

Segotias

OP I have found myself in similar position with regard to married/attached men wanting to have an affair, hook up or whatever it may be.

If you're anything like me this does nothing for my self-esteem as it makes me feel like I'm only good enough to be a bit of fun or whatever for them while they go back to something better at home.

As a result I've pulled back completely from trying to meet someone after the last person destroyed by self confidence. I've just been concentrating on getting myself back to where I was and more importantly where I want to be. I've talked to a counsellor linked in with an illness I had and it helped a lot.

I'm going to slightly disagree with Kylta on his thought that looks and weight are irrelevant, unfortunately these are what first impressions and attractions and are based on. If you don't attract someone they're not going to get to know you. I'd overweight and working on it and believe its a factor on why I only attract this kind of man.

I just completely cut these men out now if they try anything, they're not a loss in my life. If I attract something better well and good if not then at least I haven't lowered myself to their levels

Neyite

If you are treated badly or disrespectfully by someone it's because they know they'll get away with it.

Your ex, for example. It sounds like it was casual /non exclusive for him, but much more serious, if intermittent, for you. Who was doing the dumping in that relationship, and why? How many times did you get back together?

The married guy, did you tell him nicely you weren't interested, or tell him clearly to fcuk off and stop messaging or you'll show his wife? Why are you still calling him your friend considering he's still making you feel uncomfortable with suggestive stuff that you've been clear you don't want to hear?

Are you worried about being seen as a bitch if you stand up for yourself? So what! Many men who are users like your two examples are quick to label a woman a bitch if she doesn't let him walk all over her in a way that they want and that is detrimental to her. So wear that moniker with pride. It shows you are too good for men like that. It also shows the men who are capable of respectful relationships that you are a person of worth and someone worth their interest.

The person in life who will treat you the best out of everyone is yourself. The standard you accept from yourself is the maximum standard you'll ever get from someone else.

Kylta

Segotias wrote: »

OP I have found myself in similar position with regard to married/attached men wanting to have an affair, hook up or whatever it may be.

If you're anything like me this does nothing for my self-esteem as it makes me feel like I'm only good enough to be a bit of fun or whatever for them while they go back to something better at home.

As a result I've pulled back completely from trying to meet someone after the last person destroyed by self confidence. I've just been concentrating on getting myself back to where I was and more importantly where I want to be. I've talked to a counsellor linked in with an illness I had and it helped a lot.

I'm going to slightly disagree with Kylta on his thought that looks and weight are irrelevant, unfortunately these are what first impressions and attractions and are based on. If you don't attract someone they're not going to get to know you. I'd overweight and working on it and believe its a factor on why I only attract this kind of man.




If beauty is in the eye of the beholder ( there is a lot of blind people going around, I know) then its whats your perception off attractiveness is. I see loads off you women who would be deemed overweight with young men hanging out off them.
The last generation might have been perceptive in looking for type in a woman or vice versa in a man.
I wonder is their shortcomings in people who are say plain/overweight/ etc maybe no coincidence in themselves. That they succumb to anybody giving them attention, especially if they know there is no tomorrow with this person? I have women friends lets say some are big boned they're fully confident and not in the least bit worried about the looks, its there personality that shines through.

SozBbz

linpoo wrote: »

A few weeks ago I found out my childs father (who I had been seeing on and off for a couple of years) has been in a relationship with someone the last few years. Basically living a double life while seeing our child an hour here and there every few weeks. Have not heard from him since then and he has blocked me. This other woman contacted me out of the blue so this is how I found out.

The father of your child is the last person you should be having a casual relationship with. This is playing with fire. However, its done now but you now now that he's fundamentally dishonest. You should just aim for a civil, dispassionate relationship with him for your childs sake, but no more. As for him blocking you, thats beyond pathetic with a child involved. Engage a solicitor if you need to to make sure he does what he's obliged to.

[/QUOTE]
Another friend of mine who is recently married (always had a thing for me according to him) wants to have an affair with me. Obviously I said no but that doesn't stop him constantly contacting me and trying to turn it sexual.[/QUOTE]

This man is not your friend. He sounds like a sex pest. Cut him out of your life for your own sake.

[/QUOTE]
My question is why do I seem to attract these types and how to attract better types of men and how to raise self esteem and confidence so I'm stronger at dealing with these situations. Thanks[/QUOTE]

People test you to see what you'll put up with - from the above it sounds like you entertain/overlook a lot of bad behaviour. Draw your lines in the sand and stick to them. If you demand respect, you'll get it.