Online dating issue during these times

Fifi87

So basically I matched on Tinder with an amazing guy in early March before all the covid 19 and lockdown measures came into place. We chat everyday now and have agreed to meet when all this is over...here is my worry..me personally I am forming a emotional attachment already to this guy I have never met. Realistically I have never lived by the philosophy of being 'penpals' with someone online...either meet up or don't...obviously meeting up is not an option with the times we live in....I feel I need to protect my heart and think I should draw back from this guy a little...I say this as I have been hurt in the past and feel that constant messaging back and forth will have us losing momentum so to speak....I think the way I am feeling now I should say something like...maybe we should just contact each other when this is all over....I just don't know....any advice appreciated

Cali1978

I’m in the same boat... 😳

Fifi87

Cali1978 wrote: »

I’m in the same boat... 😳

Yeah it's obviously not ideal...my main concern is when all this is over...and we can assume at least another month...where does that leave me...the guy has told me he is quite happy to continue as we are and chatting away....but for my own sake I don't know that I feel that way. Yes I love chatting to him etc etc but am I setting myself up for a massive fall

Cali1978

Yes my worry is I will become overly invested and then when we meet it will be a let down. And also the fact these things naturally do lose momentum and then the way that makes me feel, sad that the contact ends.

Fifi87

Cali1978 wrote: »

Yes my worry is I will become overly invested and then when we meet it will be a let down. And also the fact these things naturally do lose momentum and then the way that makes me feel, sad that the contact ends.

Exactly.....overinvested....the thing is how to pull back without the guy feeling rejected I suppose....we are constantly texting from morning to night but I feel like I am the one gonna come out from this shaken ...I am hoping he is not just putting in the time....the way I feel about it is what if we meet and he decides he is not that into me....l need to now kinda safeguard myself but I don't know how to approach it

LegacyUser

Why don't you just talk to him and say exactly that? Say that you really enjoy chatting to him, but generally prefer to meet up early. Obviously this isn't possible, but would really like to come this is over. In the meantime, so much contact as ye've been having can make it feel like you're getting too invested, and can feel too much at this stage, so can we scale if back a bit?

Ann84

So you don’t know this person, it’s the same as if covid wasn’t happening - people spend months, years chatting to people online only to meet one time IRL and realise they are not at all wha they had imagined - MTV has made a lot of money out of it!
All jokes aside, you just need to keep it light until you can meet this person in person, you know it - maybe try to limit contact and speak on the phone more than messaging, messaging isn’t half as real as a phone conversation, which isn’t half as real as a in person conversation....

Cali1978

I’ve done video chat-marathon sessions! But we’ve pulled back a little since the last one. There may have been over sharing thanks to the drinking! But it was fun and you do get a good idea of the person from video chatting...

Purple Mountain

I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
There's nothing much else any of us can do, there's a limit on how much Netflix one can watch!
Go with the flow, enjoy the chats.
Why pull back?!
If you're both enjoying it now, you're both not holding each other back from meeting someone else at the moment.
Enjoy the ride for now but as soon as we are all allowed to mingle again, arrange a proper date and if that doesn't work, dust yourself off and start again with chatting to guys, knowing you won't have as long to wait for face to face again.
And if it works out, great story for the children!

Porklife

I realise that life is all relative but I can't get over how selfish this thread is. There is a global pandemic ripping the world apart. People are dying rapidly. Children are losing their parents and parents are losing their children. There is unrest, uncertainty, unemployment and overwhelming fear and you're worried about some online guy you've never even met?!
My advice - get over yourself and try thinking about other people and not just yourself. You must be in a very privileged position if your concern at the moment is a goddamn date...with a stranger no less.
I understand how you're feeling as I've fallen for online guys before too prior to meeting them so I do get where you're coming from but given the circumstances currently I find it incredibly selfish that you would post about this. Cop on to yourself.

Fifi87

Porklife wrote: »

I realise that life is all relative but I can't get over how selfish this thread is. There is a global pandemic ripping the world apart. People are dying rapidly. Children are losing their parents and parents are losing their children. There is unrest, uncertainty, unemployment and overwhelming fear and you're worried about some online guy you've never even met?!
My advice - get over yourself and try thinking about other people and not just yourself. You must be in a very privileged position if your concern at the moment is a goddamn date...with a stranger no less.
I understand how you're feeling as I've fallen for online guys before too prior to meeting them so I do get where you're coming from but given the circumstances currently I find it incredibly selfish that you would post about this. Cop on to yourself.

Actually I am highly concerned and am having treatment for stress at the moment not that I need to justify either my post or myself to you
Honey my advice is don't be looking on a boards forum at all if you are gonna kick off and I would ask a moderator to look at your profile and consider having you blocked for awhile if you are going to get so easily offended by problems. If I have the facility to post a thread with a query relating to me and my personal issues on this forum I will... I suggest you back off and gallop into the sunset on your high horse.

tea and coffee

Gosh Porklife, I know the pandemic is very serious but that doesn't mean someone can't ask about other stuff. There are lots of threads on here about beauty, hair etc.

OP, it's nice to have someone to chat to. Playing devils advocate- he or you or you both are a little bit bored... this is all a bit surreal. If you were to meet up and he was a "real" person would it feel the same?
What if he has a few lockdown chat buddies? (Sorry I'm such a cynic!)

That being said: I would just carry on chatting for now. If you meet and don't feel attraction later so be it. Live what it is now..... but be careful.

Porklife

tea and coffee wrote: »

Gosh Porklife, I know the pandemic is very serious but that doesn't mean someone can't ask about other stuff. There are lots of threads on here about beauty, hair etc.

OP, it's nice to have someone to chat to. Playing devils advocate- he or you or you both are a little bit bored... this is all a bit surreal. If you were to meet up and he was a "real" person would it feel the same?
What if he has a few lockdown chat buddies? (Sorry I'm such a cynic!)

That being said: I would just carry on chatting for now. If you meet and don't feel attraction later so be it. Live what it is now..... but be careful.

Of course I know that we can still be concerned about other issues...I'm avidly reading the "beauty crisis" thread. This came out of nowhere and everyone has suddenly had to adapt and it's surreal. I wake up every day feeling like I'm in an episode of Black Mirror!
I'm still worrying about my nails and my roots and trivial things, that doesn't just dissipate or absolve because greater things are occurring but honestly, I think it's a time to respite from external out of our control factors and focus on helping people in vulnerable positions right now. Worrying about an online fling seems selfish to me.

lainey_d_123

Porklife wrote: »

I realise that life is all relative but I can't get over how selfish this thread is. There is a global pandemic ripping the world apart. People are dying rapidly. Children are losing their parents and parents are losing their children. There is unrest, uncertainty, unemployment and overwhelming fear and you're worried about some online guy you've never even met?!
My advice - get over yourself and try thinking about other people and not just yourself. You must be in a very privileged position if your concern at the moment is a goddamn date...with a stranger no less.
I understand how you're feeling as I've fallen for online guys before too prior to meeting them so I do get where you're coming from but given the circumstances currently I find it incredibly selfish that you would post about this. Cop on to yourself.

What a horrible thing to write. This is a very tough time to be single and it's really normal to be concerned about what all this might mean regarding meeting someone, especially for someone in their thirties (as OP's birth year seems to suggest). We're all basically going to have a year of our lives wiped out, even if we're fortunate enough not to get sick or suffer other losses, and that's pretty tough.

Openly admitting that you're thinking about your hair and your nails (!!) and then criticising someone for worrying about a relationship seems very hypocritical. It's entirely normal to think about finding a partner in these times.

Porklife

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

What a horrible thing to write. This is a very tough time to be single and it's really normal to be concerned about what all this might mean regarding meeting someone, especially for someone in their thirties (as OP's birth year seems to suggest). We're all basically going to have a year of our lives wiped out, even if we're fortunate enough not to get sick or suffer other losses, and that's pretty tough.

Openly admitting that you're thinking about your hair and your nails (!!) and then criticising someone for worrying about a relationship seems very hypocritical. It's entirely normal to think about finding a partner in these times.

You have picked me up completely wrong. I couldn't care less about my nails or hair. Let's just leave it. I understand where the OP is coming from and I feel for everyone at the moment. This has derailed so let's leave it.

bitofabind

Porklife, with respect, this is a Relationships Issues forum. What did you expect when you clicked into it?

We are all in fear right now, and now is not the time or the place for judgement and victim olympics. Now is the time for compassion and empathy. Not just for those who are vulnerable physically - for those too that are trying to navigate all aspects of life in this 'new normal'. I would've thought dating and relationships would be an obvious area. How do you now date and hope to 'meet' someone when physical interaction is virtually illegal for the foreseeable future? What's the safest and most sensible thing to do in this case?

The world may have started spinning in another direction, and people are facing all sorts of scary situations - I personally hope most of all that my parents and extended family will stay safe and that I won't lose my job. However, I'm also single in my 30s and my desire to meet someone hasn't been reduced by any of this because I am still human. This is a deeply human desire that most of us share. Being told that's not a "valid" enough problem because people are dying is about as helpful - in a Relationships forum I might add - as telling an alcoholic to just stop drinking.

OP I'm in a very similar situation actually. I've been talking a lot to a really lovely guy that I'd not yet had the chance to meet before the world imploded. We recently took the decision to tone things down as the emotional investment didn't feel proportionate to the situation of not having met and having a lot to lose in that. We still check in - good mornings and a few phone calls a week - but I know from how I am, having an online "boyfriend" right now could set me back a long time if we meet in the 'real world' and I have to go through that weird grief of the loss of someone that I never really 'knew', while knowing intimately all the same.

Up to you of course. But in your case I'd strive for a bit more distance and less investment. Keep the chats less of an all-day affair and start talking to other guys too, focus on your own family and friends as your priority. Busy yourself with other stuff - reading, writing, cooking/baking, whatever it is that keeps you sane. Reach out, help others, volunteer. This will resolve, you'll probably get to meet and you want to be doing that from a position of strength, rather than feeling like you have so much to lose if you're not as into each other as you seemed to be.

Fifi87

Porklife wrote: »

Of course I know that we can still be concerned about other issues...I'm avidly reading the "beauty crisis" thread. This came out of nowhere and everyone has suddenly had to adapt and it's surreal. I wake up every day feeling like I'm in an episode of Black Mirror!
I'm still worrying about my nails and my roots and trivial things, that doesn't just dissipate or absolve because greater things are occurring but honestly, I think it's a time to respite from external out of our control factors and focus on helping people in vulnerable positions right now. Worrying about an online fling seems selfish to me.

Again you are a person of your own free will who is not obligated to view or even reply to my post....the purpose of these forums is to provide a platform for a whole variety of subjects and I am sorry if it does not suit your agenda that at the moment I wish to seek advice on what yes may be considered in the greater scheme of things a trivial matter that is irrelevant....I suppose it is probably a way of coping also from the outside world atm also but again as I say I am given the option to do this on this site and I will so my constructive advice to you would be avoid forums if you feel so strongly on this

s1ippy

I met someone on a message board in 2005 when we were teenagers. We PM'd each other for about four months before we finally met up. We had some friends in common from town so it made it chatting less pressure and we connected because our personalities were very well suited. Then when we met in person, the emotional connection was already amazing and the physical one swiftly followed. We're still together, having the lockdown of our lives currently! Although enjoying it while it lasts because tragedy feels imminent. Enjoy things while they last.

I just read the rest of the thread, jaysis will ye be kind to each other

Idle Passerby

Myself and my OH were chatting online for 3 months before the opportunity to meet up in person arose. I was somewhat worried id be disappointed when I finally met him so I just enjoyed the chatting for itself and reminded myself that until you meet in person your not seeing a full representation of the person so it's easy to fill in the blanks with fantasy. Just be aware that there is more to him than what your currently seeing, it could be good or bad, you won't know til you actually meet.

Tokyo

Mod:

@Porklife - someone's personal issue is their burden to deal with, irrespective of what's going on in the world around them. It's not your prerogative to imply that it's not relevant.

@everybody else - can we please move back to discussing the OP's issue. Thank you.

RamonD3

Did you think about having a virtual date? Zoom for example will let you have a 40 minute meeting, which is a decent cut off point for a first date anyway. Obviously you won't be able to get his aura or if he is completely legit, but it would give you a little more of a sense than you have now while also putting a bit of discipline on it, as you wouldn't be going on several dates a week in normal times.

Broadly though online dating can be a bit like being in a goldfish bowl, so don't get disheartened if this is a dead end!

Caranica

That cut off for Zoom is only for chats of 3 or more people (and I think it's being removed), two people can chat for as long as they want.

I do second this though, it's what I've been doing with the guy I'm seeing. The time flies. Think of it as the safest first date you've ever had!

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation. Started chatting to a guy on Tinder and this is the first time in a while where I've felt something more than normal for someone.

My worry would be that chatting on these apps can get stale as your personality doesn't get a chance to really come across if you haven't met before. The guy (or you) might end up getting bored of the chat and then nothing ever comes of it.

I'm the kind of person that wants to avoid lengthy chats before meeting someone as it can lead you astray. Maybe cut off communication for now and pick things back up when this all blows over.

Either that or do a video call as someone else suggested, although I've never heard of anyone doing that for a first date! Could be interesting!

miec

Hi Op and others who are chatting online with potential real life dates when we can meet in person again.

Personally I would continue as is for some / all of the following reasons:

1. It is a trying, ****ty time and having nice daily chats with someone you are currently attracted to is a nice way to spend time in these surreal days / weeks/ months
2. Being hurt in the past should not dictate how / who you meet in the present. Letting the past dominate your present means you have pre-judged and pre-determined the situation before ever allowing it to grow or develop. You kill it stone dead and if anything that this virus is teaching me is we know **** all about the future anymore. Yes you may get hurt again in a different way but don't forget that you will also get fun chats, flirting, nice memories and perhaps way more than you have ever imagined. If you stop it now and this thing goes off the boil you could have missed out way more than imagined.
3. It could be just both of you passing time in a fun way during these crazy times and when you meet it could be a blip but equally it could also be amazing too when you meet in person. It is hard to sustain your best person even over the phone for weeks / months at a time.
4. I believe in jumping off the cliff of fear sometimes, I had made a lot of mistakes, got burned, hurt etc but I am glad because I am richer inwardly for it.

Goodigal

Agree with the last post. It's the weirdest time of our lives so if we are spending some of it chatting and amusing ourselves, it's quite a nice way to pass the hours. I'm chatting (using term loosely!) to 3 different guys about different things. All just passing the time. Only one of them have I met briefly. But sure we are looking out for each other and checking in on each other. I would love to think you feel that connection when you do meet up in person OP! Video call could be fun. But I find myself criticising how I look and talk when I do that!!

Mr. Incognito

Most of the threads here are about lads that one want one thing.

This is a perfect time to invest in getting to know people

You are overthinking it. Continue to enjoy him. Lifes short enough already. Theres no perfect time

If you think pulling back supresses feelings you dont have much experience of it.

Fifi87

Thanks for the replies and advice. I did end up saying about reducing or cutting contact for my own sake just for the moment...whether this was right or wrong I don't know but his response to it has made me reconsider and we are going to leave things as they are for the moment and continue chatting and also doing video chats. It is a very odd situation for anyone and the worry about things going stale and keeping the momentum going is in the back of anyone's mind in this situation