Texting a third party and girlfriend found out - Any advice?

Jack20202020

Hi, i know i will no doubt get slated here but would like some opinions.

5 weeks ago i was sexting another woman, i got caught up in the online fantasy stuff and didnt think for a second how much my actions would hurt my girlfriend. The following week she found out which is terrible as i should have been open and told her. I have broken my girlfriends heart which i am so ashamed and sad about. We have been chatting briefly since but for the last few days we have cut contact.

Of course what i have done is disgusting and it really hurts to know how much hurt i have caused her through my actions.

Has anyone been through something similar (Cheater or the betrayed party). Did you reconcile or what was the outcome?

Thanks,

sallyanne12

Why did you do it? And are you only guilty because she found out... like would you still be sexting away if your girlfriend didn't find out? Is there something missing for you in the relationship? Are you still attracted to your girlfriend and do you want to stay with her? If you do, I'd suggest telling her it meant nothing and you were just being silly but that it will never happen again. Hope you guys work it out. But the real thing you need to figure out is if you want a monogamous relationship with your girlfriend? If you do, then put it behind you and learn from it

zapper55

My advice is that if you were sexting someone else your girlfriend isnt the one for you. Whether you are not mature or secure enough for a relationship I can't tell but you weren't concerned about your girlfriend when it was happening, only when you were caught out.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. If you were sexting now, how on earth could you sustain a relationship long term without getting bored?

If you do get back together and I hope for both your sakes that you dont, lots of I'm sorry isnt good enough. I'd get yourself to counselling to really see why you did this when in a relationship with another woman. It's not normal or respectful behaviour.

Ash.J.Williams

zapper55 wrote: »

My advice is that if you were sexting someone else your girlfriend isnt the one for you. Whether you are not mature or secure enough for a relationship I can't tell but you weren't concerned about your girlfriend when it was happening, only when you were caught out.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. If you were sexting now, how on earth could you sustain a relationship long term without getting bored?

If you do get back together and I hope for both your sakes that you dont, lots of I'm sorry isnt good enough. I'd get yourself to counselling to really see why you did this when in a relationship with another woman. It's not normal or respectful behaviour.

You don’t need counselling

skallywag

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

You don’t need counselling

Strongly agree.

If I am unfaithful, and get caught, then it's on me for acting in that way in the first place. I enjoyed it while I was getting away with it, and then feel awful when I get caught. The reason I feel awful is that I was acting the bollocks. I need to cop-on and not do it again.

I am not sure how counselling is required for any of this. Lessons learned from mistakes do not always require counselling.

zapper55

From people I've known that cheated and from the many many threads on it here it's often due to deeper issues, hence the suggestion for counselling.

Ash.J.Williams

zapper55 wrote: »

From people I've known that cheated and from the many many threads on it here it's often due to deeper issues, hence the suggestion for counselling.

If they’re married with kids or similar, I get the impression his gf caught him having one off the wrist

skallywag

I take the point that it can sometimes be down to deeper issues, but in my own experience the vast majority of cases come down to someone wanting their caking and eating it, followed by overwhelming remorse when they eventually get caught.

Ash.J.Williams

skallywag wrote: »

I take the point that it can sometimes be down to deeper issues, but in my own experience the vast majority of cases come down to someone wanting their caking and eating it, followed by overwhelming remorse when they eventually get caught.

in a nutshell!

Tork

Every relationship is different so the outcomes other people had don't have any relevance here. You decided to seek out this other woman despite being in a relationship and you were happy to message her, knowing it was wrong. Be honest here - if you hadn't been caught you'd still be sexting, wouldn't you?

Even if your girlfriend takes you back, your relationship will never be the same again. For her, having her boyfriend sexting another woman might be a step too far. There are reasons why you did it. What will happen if a version of them recurs?

MissShihTzu

What outcome were you expecting, OP?

Not being funny, but you were sexting another girl, got busted. Your girlfriend goes nuclear and gives you the sack, for some peculiar reason I cannot understand!

I'm not even sure why you are asking for advice. You have a fair idea what the answer will be. My only advice would be to learn from this and keep it moving. Leave your poor ex alone - she doesn't trust you any more and for good reason...

joeguevara

It is definitely upsetting for your girlfriend. It is important to understand what was the reason behind you messaging with another woman. Did you seek her out and decide to message her because of her or was it some kind of fantasy. I am not saying either is correct or the actions of a good boyfriend but if it had nothing to do with the other girl or feelings for her and simply an erotic fantasy, then you can explain it to your girlfriend. Was it similar to using porn for example.

Your girlfriend might decide that it makes no difference as it is a breach of trust or she might feel less betrayed as it was nothing to do with another woman. Is there a reason why you wanted to sext with a real person as opposed to using porn.

Don’t hide anything and don’t make excuses. It has nothing to do with this but how did she find out a week later?

leggo

I cheated in my very first relationship. Not getting counselling probably ruined me for years romantically. If you were to look at me from the outside at the time as years rolled on, or even as I felt inside, I probably seemed like I forgave myself, learned my lesson and got on with things...like I never cheated again and did learn a lot from it that I could go on about. But it was only when a good friend who didn’t even know I had cheated chatted to me and asked “What are you punishing yourself for by putting up with these horrible people you go out with?” that it all clicked.

The reality is cheating is a massively ****ed up thing to do, I’ve never heard one story of someone doing it that wasn’t fundamentally broken in some way. The womaniser who just loves attention (low self-esteem/narcissism). The person who’s bored of their partner and starts seeking attention outside of the relationship (can’t connect with or communicate their needs effectively). Even sympathetic cases where someone is with an awful partner and does it as an eject button...why were they in this situation to begin with and why did they see this as their only way out? There’s always a loose thread that needs to be pulled on and dealt with if a person wants to move onto a healthy relationship. And if they could deal with it by themselves healthily, they wouldn’t have cheated to begin with.

I’m kinda saddened that people opposed the counselling option here. It’s what’s still wrong with the stigma around mental health these days. People see counselling as a ‘big’ step only necessary if something awful happened. No, sorry, most if not all of us could benefit from it in some way. It’s not a big deal and it’s not a case of ‘needing’ it either: it’s a case of people who choose to be the best person they can be and aren’t afraid of putting the work required to do so in. And if you’re doing stuff like betraying a partner you want to keep without realising or being able to control yourself, then yeah you’re at the upper end of that scale if you want to get them back or move on in the future to have a healthy relationship, because you’ve just proven you can’t and can’t be trusted either. You don’t just get caught and become a trustworthy person overnight, that’s ridiculous.

Xterminator

Mental health ? i think you are bring your own emotional baggage to this thread.

OP cheated on his GF and wants to reconcile. OP didnt even mention counselling. I dont think having session with a counsellor is a bad thing at all but will hardly help the OP win his girlfriend back, unless you are suggesting he tells her he plans to see a thearapist to win her back?

Its a case of lesson learned hopefully. Chalk it up to expereince and be a better person next time.

Most people will agree that if you resolve now that you will say no, when temptation knocks, and avoid putting yourself in compromising situations then you can make a better choice next time.

leggo

“Be a better person.”
“Learn your lesson.”

You may as well be saying “Learn rocket science” or “Be a professional footballer.” If someone came on here saying they were an alcoholic and it was ruining their life, would you say “Don’t mind rehab or AA, just don’t drink”? The end result you’re suggesting takes a lot of work. Now fair enough if you don’t have the knowledge or experience to give any kind of constructive help beyond that, you’re not a professional, but opposing others who suggested he get help from someone who is qualified to get to the deep-rooted issues that causes something like this to happen and instead giving these empty platitudes that don’t actually mean anything does more harm than help. Not only are you not giving him anything he can work with on a thread he specifically asked for that, you’re discouraging him from going to someone qualified to do so where you’re clearly not.

cj maxx

OP how long were you going out? Was it a serious relationship? Probably not ,so don't worry too much about it.
It was a scummy thing to do though. Just put it down as a lesson learned

annie jay

I was the the girlfriend who got cheated on. I would more say it was an emotional affair with sexy talk.
We were together for 5 years and when I found out i was so confused and o confronted him and he said it was noting , it meant nothing , the aftermath was worse because he really missed with my head. He never owned what he had done. He never acknowledged my pain. And this has caused me many anguished nights wondering.
OP you asked for advice. so my advice would be , ask yourself Do you love this person , do you want to save your relationship? If the answer is yes , own what you have done , listen to her.
Feel her pain, the heartbreak of finding out and then ask her does she want to stay in the relationship to work it out together with you. I get every relationship is different with many factors, if she can’t get past it and forgive you , then walk away owning your part in it all, she might not say so but months and years down the road she’ll be grateful that your showed integrity at the end (and maybe when starting over). Don’t hurt her more by justifying it is what I’m saying.
I loved the man I was with beyond belief and thought we were made, I know he regrets what he done but how he handled the aftermath didn’t allow A way back for us.

qwerty13

Jack20202020 wrote: »

i was sexting another woman, i got caught up in the online fantasy stuff and didnt think for a second how it would affect my girlfrien,

Well I’m afraid to say that’s a complete lie OP. You cannot possibly have been so stupid as to think it wouldn’t affect your GF.

So you didn’t care how it would affect he, as long as you were getting your rocks off. And you’re full of regrets 🙄.

So what are YOU going to do about it? To make sure you don’t behave like this again?