Should I Clear the Air With my Ex?

LegacyUser

Hi all, just looking for opinions on potentially clearing the air with my ex.

We were together for about 4/5 years, broken up just under 2 years now. He treated me quite badly in the last few months of the relationship, and it was a nasty break up.
We haven't spoken one word to each other since the day we finished, we removed each other from social media etc. immediately so there has been no contact all since then.

I was initally extremely upset but could see there was no future due to incompatabilities so I bounced back relatively quickly.
I no longer hold any resentmentment, bitterness or anger towards him over what happened, and haven't for a very long time. I also have no feelings for him and would have no interest in starting things up again.

He's recently been on my mind a lot as he suffers from an underlying health issue, which would make him highly susceptible to COVID-19. I hear he has also lost his job as a result of the pandemic and is obviously going through a very hard time. AFAIK he is single & he hasn't had any new relationships since we broke up.

I would never forgive myself if something happened to him and we hadn't cleared the air.
I really want to send a quick, short text saying there are no hard feelings on my part, I hope he is alright and that I'm here as a friend if he ever needs anything.
However I don't know if that would be A) Making myself look like an pushover/idiot or If it would be inappropriate or poorly received.

I am on civil and friendly-ish terms with all my other ex's and its bothering me that this is still unresolved. If he didn't reply then at least I know I tried.

What does everyone think? Would you want to hear from an ex in these circumstances?
Thanks in advance x

hawley

<mod snip>

Hi there, you could send him a message saying "Hope you're doing okay and healthy. I'm worried about you and hope that there's no hard feeling from you to me. You've been on my mind a lot with the Corona virus, I know this could potentially be devastating for you. I'm here for you as a friend if you ever need anything." If he doesn't reply then your conscience is clear and he knows that you have made an effort. He needs to be clear that you've no interest in starting a relationship with him again

punisher5112

You moved on, let him do so too.....

Don't even think of reaching out and honestly a terrible idea.

fishy_fishy

My instinct is absolutely not. You're not a friend, so why would you be there for him as a friend? He must have someone else he can call on. If he wanted or needed to call on you, he'd clear the air himself. Plus, if he really did treat you badly then the onus is on him to clear the air.

You've moved on, he's moved on. Keep it that way.

HelgaWard

I agree with fishyfishy, I would certainly not be offering your help if he needs anything. Have you considered that he doesn't care if you have hard feelings against him? If he did care he would have tried to clear the air himself.

Jurgen Klopp

No cause even with the current circumstances he could either get false hope you are thinking of restarting things or he might even start on you so then you've possible drama too

Leave it alone ye both have nothing to add to each other at this stage

Purple Mountain

hawley wrote: »

<mod snip>

Hi there, you could send him a message saying "Hope you're doing okay and healthy. I'm worried about you and hope that there's no hard feeling from you to me. You've been on my mind a lot with the Corona virus, I know this could potentially be devastating for you. I'm here for you as a friend if you ever need anything." If he doesn't reply then your conscience is clear and he knows that you have made an effort. He needs to be clear that you've no interest in starting a relationship with him again

No, no, no!
Terrible advice.
Do nothing, say nothing.

Scarinae

Anon2707 wrote: »

He treated me quite badly in the last few months of the relationship, and it was a nasty break up.

This line is enough for me to say no, you shouldn't contact him. If he wanted your sympathy and support he should have treated you better.

antix80

I think it's a bad idea to reach out. Not because he treated you badly and you moved on.. it's just, nothing good would come of it.

I'm not excusing his behaviour but obviously he had issues and given his current situation he still has those issues. You didn't fix them when you were with him (it wasn't your job) .. do you think you can fix them now by texting him?

Stay away from the chap. You'll just make his life worse.

Sephiroth_dude

I wouldn't bother, he's your ex for a reason.

MissShihTzu

Why? And why now??

JustAThought

Well if he were to suddenly die you might feel terrible so send him a postcard - I wish you no ill,
hoping you stay covid-19 free.

No offers of anything, don’t take any calls, no talking things over, no chats to clear the air. Message delivered and keep on moving on.

YFlyer

And end up hugging each other?

TheBoyConor

Why would you do this?

It is all water under the bridge at this stage. ye haven't spoken in years. There is nothing to say.

If he has health troubles, then he has enough to be dealing with at this stage without some ex bursting forth from out of the past.

Are ou hung up on him in some way? Why would you even be thinking about an ex?

qwerty13

I think you’re trying to make yourself feel good by doing this. You might have good ideas in your head re motives, but ultimately you are talking about reconnecting with a person with whom you have no connection with.

I think it’s a really bad idea, and while I think you believe it to be concern on your behalf, it’s ultimately a selfish act by you so that you can feel that you expressed concern.

leggo

I get this feeling OP. I’m a person that, while I’ve grown up now and understand why it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie sometimes, it always used to bother me being so close to people, seeing them as a best friend then evaporating from their lives completely because it didn’t work out romantically. I find it weird and a red flag with people if they’ve got the ‘delete this person from your life forever’ attitude towards all their exes. I’ve also found great success in being able to make peace with exes where it had ended badly so see the positives in it, they’re not nothing and can help.

The variable here is that he treated you badly. It’s not your bridge to build. So the risk is that you just walk back into a situation with someone who treated you badly, not romantically I know, but you’d still be opening the door of your life towards that. If he wants to make peace, it’s his job to cross that bridge and reach out to someone he’s treated badly. You can acknowledge and accept all of this and also make your peace with the fact that you’d be open to accepting an apology, were he to offer one. That in itself is a resolution. But he’s not, so there’s no actual evidence that this would be a positive move and only negative, because assuming that someone has dramatically changed their personality just because time has passed is often a hiding to nothing.

facehugger99

Anon2707 wrote: »

I would never forgive myself if something happened to him and we hadn't cleared the air.

It's not about you.

Just leave him alone.

MissShihTzu

facehugger99 wrote: »

It's not about you.

Just leave him alone.

He's probably moved on too. Are you 'clearing the air', OP or looking to create trouble?

Thelonious Monk

leggo wrote: »

I find it weird and a red flag with people if they’ve got the ‘delete this person from your life forever’ attitude towards all their exes.

I've always found people who kept in touch with exes to be nutjobs and drama queens. But then that's just anecdotal evidence.
OP leave him alone, no good can come of it.

leggo

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I've always found people who kept in touch with exes to be nutjobs and drama queens. But then that's just anecdotal evidence.
OP leave him alone, no good can come of it.

You took something that wasn’t aimed anywhere near you as a personal slight, lashed out and called other people ‘drama queens’. Huh.

OP isn’t suggesting she be friends with this ex, go out for regular catch up coffees etc, nor did I. But it’s okay to be on decent terms with someone you were extremely close to for a time. It’s weirder not to be by default: friends drift, argue and make up and nobody has a problem. The suggestion that just because there was a romantic element with someone, and don’t hate them because that stopped, makes you a ‘nutjob drama queen’ speaks more to a perhaps unhealthy attitude you have towards romance, break-ups, rejection etc than anything else.

Like I said, in this case I think it’s a bad idea because of how he treated her. But her feelings are valid and don’t make her a nutjob drama queen.