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How do I figure out what is the problem

  • 14-03-2020 7:57pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭


    Hi,
    So over the past 6 months, I've had 3 separate friends who I would have considered as very close to me significantly distance themselves from me.
    None of them know each other and have never met so I'm sure it's not some big conspiracy.
    I'm quite straightforward about this kind of stuff so have asked what or why it's happened and none can tell me what is the problem. One has completely cut contact and the other two I hardly hear from despite trying to keep in contact.
    Logically, I think there must be something wrong with me as it's too much of a coincidence in such a short space of time.....I don't feel I'm any different to what I always was. I know people can come and go in life but this is not good.
    So far as I know, they've no more going on in their lives as usual, and even if they did they would usually confide a lot in me.
    One friend, Ive known for a year, another 3 years and the last going on 20 years so not insignificant.
    I'm trying to stay as rationale about it in my head as I can, but if they won't tell me what the problem is how can I hope to address it?


Comments

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    what do you think it might be?

    you havent given anything a reader could go on im afraid.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    It’s very difficult to know.

    Did you have any personal issues that might have you behave differently? Snappier? Grumpily? Have you talked about one friend behind their back, and the others in the group found out? Do you have a partner who gets on terribly badly with your friends partners? Were you very absent when one of your friends needed support?

    I can’t think of other scenarios off the top of my head. Can you recall any incidents, or even what might seem minor incidents to you?

    PS: I see now that the only scenario I’ve suggested that makes some sort of sense is that you have behaved differently towards your friends - as none of them know each other. Have you had anything happen in your life that would cause your behaviour to change?


  • Registered Users Posts: 116 ✭✭line_of_fire


    Have gone through something similar but only one friend not three. Have you become more successful in an area of your life. New job, promotion, house, new partner? I have found that the better I did the less my friend could handle it. It turned out she was only a friend as long as she was more successful. I sought counselling to help out things in perspective as I thought it was all me. Maybe speak to a professional sort things out in your head. Just food for thought?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 190 ✭✭Febreeze


    My mother is going through this with a friend at the minute.

    Been friends over 20 years, while the friend is unemployed, her own reasons, my mother works in a job that she can live comfortably. A child in their late 20s, me, who doesn't live at home so is obviously enjoying her life. Holidays abroad to places she never got to see when I was young, as she couldn't afford them. Friend however, still lives at home, can't have a conversation without it being negative but my mam still made sure to include friend in all events and outings, invites them to her house for tea etc.
    Mam went abroad before Xmas and during Xmas, she doesn't need to justify why she goes away, she's a grown woman, asked friend if they would like to go, friend said no on a couple of occasions (but will go on nights out all the time) Fair enough. It's now March and friend since hasn't spoken to my mam since Xmas. I'm convinced jealousy is playing a huge part here as my mam has been enjoying life a lot more since I've found my own place to live with my partner. Friend just won't return calls and messages. Friend went as far as not inviting my mam to a birthday party, it's a celebratory age as well. My advice was, **** her.

    This friend had made it clear that the one person who held their hands through the absolute horrible times in their lives, means nothing to them now. This friend is the person who rang my mam to collect them from hospital (because their own relative said no) so my mam dropped what she was doing (literally the cups and plates thrown in the sink and off she ran) and went straight to the hospital. Has done their shopping when they weren't able too. Held their hand when they lost their jobs. But somehow my mam is the biggest Asshole here for doing what she's wanted to do all her life, visiting places.

    My mams mistake was being too nice and not telling friend some home truths when needed. I hate seeing my mam upset over this friendship but clearly friend is hurt over pettiness rather than looking at the positives.

    So for that, my advice OP would be to continue doing what makes you happy. Live your life. If your friends really want to go down the road of ignoring, that's absolutely fine, let them. As far as I'm concerned, you're obviously in their taughts to be ignored so you be the better one, don't follow their games. Hold your head high because one way or another, both your friends and my mams, will come crawling back with tails between their legs and a petty excuse. My mam said once friend does that, she'll accept apologies and show her the door. Life is way to short to be petty.

    Also, there's nothing for you to address if they can't be adult enough to tell you what you've supposedly done wrong. If you feel you need to address the situation, you can always ring or text and find out but be prepared for whatever the say.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭368100


    what do you think it might be?

    you havent given anything a reader could go on im afraid.

    I've no idea.....thats why I've nothing to give you to go on!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭368100


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    It’s very difficult to know.

    Did you have any personal issues that might have you behave differently? Snappier? Grumpily? Have you talked about one friend behind their back, and the others in the group found out? Do you have a partner who gets on terribly badly with your friends partners? Were you very absent when one of your friends needed support?

    I can’t think of other scenarios off the top of my head. Can you recall any incidents, or even what might seem minor incidents to you?

    PS: I see now that the only scenario I’ve suggested that makes some sort of sense is that you have behaved differently towards your friends - as none of them know each other. Have you had anything happen in your life that would cause your behaviour to change?

    They're not part of a group, Ive mentioned them to each other but they dont know each other.
    Things have been better for me of late, bought a house after years of savings, new car, job going ok etc. If anything I'm a bit happier in life, but certainly not to the extent to rub it in anyone's face.
    I'm single (and have been for a while) so no impact of a partner.
    I've always been there should they need to talk, Ive noticed on occasion a change in their behaviour when they've had stuff going on and always reiterate that I'm here to talk to should they want to talk but never force the situation as it's their decision to talk or not.
    I know one friend had an affair last year but the marriage is still going but obviously had a lot of issues.....another one I suspect has been trying for a child and they have lost it early on. The third would always have been impacted a bit by depression but used to be open by talking about it . If anything I was maybe a bit too encouraging of them and they got sick of it...but that's just what in think, I can't confirm.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    I know one friend had an affair last year but the marriage is still going but obviously had a lot of issues.....another one I suspect has been trying for a child and they have lost it early on. The third would always have been impacted a bit by depression but used to be open by talking about it . If anything I was maybe a bit too encouraging of them and they got sick of it...but that's just what in think, I can't confirm.

    Maybe its just coincodence that they all have something going on? An affair, a miscarriage and depression are fairly but issues that could easily consume some one?


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