Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

Wedding Panic - alcohol [Title updated]

  • 05-03-2020 4:04pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi
    I have huge alcohol issues and have stayed off wine for 7 months. I miss it so much and have never gotten over the feeling of loss.
    His brother is getting married next month and was having a private wedding only (no siblings allowed).
    He's now changed his mind and invited us all. I have avoided all weddings and social outings to date but I can't avoid this. It is going to be a living hell for me sitting there watching everyone knocking back the free wine and knowing I can't touch it.
    I've explained to my husband that being in situations like this makes me panicky and anxious and while he's supportive, theres not much he can do either.
    Has anyone any ideas and how to get through the day?


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    OP can you not just decline the invitation and let your partner go without you? You shouldn't need an excuse, but if people press you for one, just make something up (e.g. an important work trip that you can't get out of or a weekend away with your family).

    Your road to recovery is much more important that this wedding. I'd prioritise your health over everything else. I wouldn't risk falling off the wagon!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you so much for your reply.
    The thought did cross my mind to make something up.
    His wife to be would think I was being spitful as they didn't invite me first time round (she's like that). Little does she know I was secretly relieved.
    I've told my husband I don't want to go, and he says we'll just go for the meal and leave but his family gatherings are never like that!
    I wish I could just 'get over it' like most recovering alcoholics.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,145 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    Don't go. Invent a stomach bug on the day if you feel your brother won't support your decision.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,998 ✭✭✭c.p.w.g.w


    Katgurl wrote: »
    Don't go. Invent a stomach bug on the day if you feel your brother won't support your decision.

    Could always use Covid-19 to get outta it


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I've told my husband I don't want to go, and he says we'll just go for the meal and leave but his family gatherings are never like that!
    I wish I could just 'get over it' like most recovering alcoholics.

    I think you need to have a more serious conversation with your husband and ideally get him on side. Sure there's always wine flowing during the meal! And usually a drinks reception between the ceremony and the meal. Does he have any idea how difficult that is for a recovering alcoholic and how risky it is that you'll start drinking again? Surely he doesn't want that.

    Seriously, make up an excuse and just don't attend. If the bride wants to think you're being spiteful, who cares - let her think that if she wants.

    And well done, 7 months is a huge achievement! From what I hear, wedding invitations are what recovered alcoholics dread the most. Even ones who are recovered for years. I wouldn't even consider going to a wedding in the first year of your recovery if I was you.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks everyone, I thought I might be over-reacting until I read your replies.
    I laughed at the coronavirus one, the thought (hope) did cross my mind!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    You could still go and say your on antibiotics for an infection?
    Go for the meal but leave early and avoid the messiness.

    Well done by the way.
    You're doing great.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,902 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Drive. Plain and simple.

    Would you like a drink?

    7 up please as I'm driving.

    Easy!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,602 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    Why don't you go to the ceremony itself. Head away then and do something for an hour or two instead of the drinks reception and come back for the meal then. Bring the car keys with you and head away after the meal?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,896 ✭✭✭Irishphotodesk


    mfceiling wrote: »
    Drive. Plain and simple.

    Would you like a drink?

    7 up please as I'm driving.

    Easy!!

    I'm going to guess you don't know anyone who has ever been addicted to anything.

    Nothing is "easy" when a person is on the road to recovery, one of my colleagues is a former alcoholic (over 30years since his last drink), I have suffered and continue to suffer with addiction issues (gambling).

    OP, if you feel you are not ready to goto this event, do not go, you are aware of the temptation that will be there, you are doing fantastic to get this far - keeping yourself away from scenarios which could lead to temptation... Well done ... Long may it continue.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Might be worth posting in the non drinkers forum to see if anyone there has encountered similar and could give you more specific advice.

    Congrats on the 7 months sober.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,145 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    mfceiling wrote: »
    Drive. Plain and simple.

    Would you like a drink?

    7 up please as I'm driving.

    Easy!!

    She's an addict, nothing easy about it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    Your recovery is more important then a wedding, well done on your achievement so far.

    Would you be able to tell your brother, in confidence the true reason why you don't wish to attend? I can understand if you're not comfortable with that.

    If that's not an option, just become "ill" a day or two before.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    A friend couldn't attend my wedding for the same reason as you. And a terrible place it would have been for them to attend, with all our other friends going "Oh I can't wait to see them in action, they're mental, haha" etc. I knew why but to everyone else they were sick.

    A bad cold should be enough to scare them all into not wanting you there, in today's climate!

    Don't go, if you are dreading it anxiously, you will have a very hard time. Your sobriety is far more important than what your sister in law thinks of you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,297 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    Don't go to the wedding OP
    Your husband seems to be with you ,in getting sober, so have quiet word with him and say , unequivocally, that being around people drinking ,asking you out of politeness " do you want a drink" will be too hard.
    It would be so easy too just have one or two. But after, you won't be 7 months sober you'll be starting from scratch again .
    You've come too far to slip because of a flipping wedding that they were going to have privately any way.
    Get a tummy bug ,cold and screw what the sister in law thinks but don't go if your not up to it


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 219 ✭✭MiliMe


    Does your family know that your in recovery? If they do, surely they will understand your reluctance to go.
    If they dont, could you tell them? It might help you for them to know regardless of the wedding. Would they be supportive?

    Could you go do the actual ceremony then leave early. Your husband could stay if he wanted.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 380 ✭✭Iodine1


    Don't go definitely.
    You will come under enormous pressure as pure and simply, people just don't or don't want to understand. You'll get loads off;
    "Sure have just one, one never harmed anyone "
    Your off 7 months, sure you're grand now, have one!
    Don't insult me, you'll have a real drink!
    What you mean driving, I've a spare room!
    I've bought it now, don't waste it!
    It's a wedding for Gods sake, don't be a drip, drink this!
    Just take the champagne for the toast!
    You have to have something for the toast.
    And if you come through all that and more, then they will spike your 7-up, so it's a great joke!!
    All above happened.
    DON'T GO.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,516 ✭✭✭Tork


    I think you should give the entire thing a miss because showing up to the ceremony but not the reception will draw attention to you. Depending on where the wedding and the reception will be taking place, dropping you home could be a problem. And maybe your resolve might weaken once you've been at the wedding part of the day. I went to a wedding recently where they handed out flutes of champagne outside the church and then everyone went to the village pub for drinks and finger food. The reception in the hotel happened a few hours after that. This might not happen at this wedding but I'm just pointing out that these things have been known to happen.

    I get the impression you don't have a good relationship with your sister in law and that you're putting your sobriety at risk just to keep her sweet. If she is that much of a weapon, it'll be only a matter of time before something else causes a row anyway. If they don't know you're struggling with your addiction, I don't think you should tell them. Instead, just pretend you're sick or something.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,346 ✭✭✭TheW1zard


    Go to the wedding and not the after party ;-)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭neonsofa


    Well done on the recovery. I dont have any advice that hasn't been given already. Just wanted to congratulate you.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,811 ✭✭✭joe40


    Is there any way you could just tell them the reason you can't go. I would imagine dealing with addiction is very difficult and really applaud your attitude here.
    Would it be easier if others in your family were aware of what you're going through, rather than having to go through it in secrecy.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,782 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi OP

    Are the wedding and the reception are at different venues? Could you enjoy the wedding to the full, but skip the reception. Surely that would be the ideal compromise?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 443 ✭✭DaeryssaOne


    Hi OP, congrats on your 7 months sobriety, I'm at six months here myself and know it can be hard.
    I read a book when I was quitting called 'This Naked Mind' and it completely changed my mindset towards alcohol so much so I don't really have any issues about going to events with alcohol now.
    Don't get me wrong I occasionally miss it when I'm watching friends drinking and I definitely don't enjoy being surrounded by drunk people so I'll always exit early when that starts to happen but it's far easier than having to miss events or feeling tortured by it the whole time.

    The book really changes your mindset so you can see that alcohol is an addictive substance and you sort of feel sorry for people who are trapped by it. You say the wedding is next month - maybe have a go at reading this soon but after reading it if you still think it would be a risk to your sobriety then you can always pull a sickie.

    Be kind to yourself and keep congratulating yourself on how far you've come - think about how much better everything in your life is now that you're sober (I bet like myself you feel emotionally, mentally, physically and financially better over all).
    I just have to occasionally remind myself that a glass of a poisonous substance is not worth risking all of those benefits for.

    Lastly, if you haven't told many people it can feel a little bit isolating, especially if your husband is still drinking. There are some great online communities that I find comfort in - having a little rant online to strangers can definitely help!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The people saying she should drive or say shes on antibiotics aren't understanding the OPs issue, its not explaining to people why shes not drinking, she is an addict and fears relapsing after working so hard for several months.

    My aunt is several years sober and came to a cousins wedding and had a total freak out in the middle of the meal. Myself and another family member took her out of the room and she called her sponsor at AA and spoke to them for a bit. She came back in for a short while but then went to her hotel room and stayed there for the rest of the evening which was a real shame. She thought she was ok for the wedding and wasn't, you already feel you aren't able for it OP so you will just have to be honest and say you can't go. I wouldn't try coming up with excuses.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you everyone for the kind replies.
    My family know I'm in recovery but not my husband's family. I don't really want them to know tbh.
    Maybe I need to just suck it up. My little boy is having his communion next year so I will be dealing with it all again then!
    Regardng the book 'The Naked Mind', I have it on my kindle but never finished it. I will make it my go to reading material this weekend.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,902 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    I'm going to guess you don't know anyone who has ever been addicted to anything.

    Nothing is "easy" when a person is on the road to recovery, one of my colleagues is a former alcoholic (over 30years since his last drink), I have suffered and continue to suffer with addiction issues (gambling).

    OP, if you feel you are not ready to goto this event, do not go, you are aware of the temptation that will be there, you are doing fantastic to get this far - keeping yourself away from scenarios which could lead to temptation... Well done ... Long may it continue.

    Yeah...I've had 2 alcoholic uncles and a close friend addicted to narcotics.

    I didn't mean "easy" as in it's easy to stay off the drink. More that it's easy to use "I'm driving" as an excuse not to have a drink. I understand that it is a very difficult situation to be in where you will be surrounded by drink, but if you "have" to drive it's at least a focus point for the OP to help cope with the day in question.
    Best of luck OP whatever you choose to do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 443 ✭✭DaeryssaOne


    Regardng the book 'The Naked Mind', I have it on my kindle but never finished it. I will make it my go to reading material this weekend.

    I hope I don't sound like it brainwashed me or anything :D but I just found it a really good way to help me *want* to stay sober rather than feeling that I can't enjoy events / nights out again so hopefully it will do the same for you.

    I'm with you on not telling the in-laws about it, mine know I'm off drink and I I was on a bit of a health buzz but didn't want to delve into the problems it had been causing me. No need for everyone to know your personal business!


  • Posts: 11,614 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Hi
    I have huge alcohol issues and have stayed off wine for 7 months. I miss it so much and have never gotten over the feeling of loss.
    His brother is getting married next month and was having a private wedding only (no siblings allowed).
    He's now changed his mind and invited us all. I have avoided all weddings and social outings to date but I can't avoid this. It is going to be a living hell for me sitting there watching everyone knocking back the free wine and knowing I can't touch it.
    I've explained to my husband that being in situations like this makes me panicky and anxious and while he's supportive, theres not much he can do either.
    Has anyone any ideas and how to get through the day?

    Sorry Bro, hubby has booked for us to go away that weekend. Sorry! Have a great day!

    There's no such thing as can't get out of something.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    Hi OP,

    I’m six years sober next week and the good news is that this sort of stuff DOES get better with time!

    If you feel this will cause you to relapse, just don’t go. It’s not worth it.

    However, if you feel you could manage it, implement some coping strategies. Go to the ceremony, but then take some time out between that and the meal for yourself. Don’t hang out with the wedding party, go for a walk with your hubby and have a coffee. Come back for the meal, and stay for the speeches and first dance - then leave.

    Have someone you can phone during the day for support. Have a “code word” with your husband that means “we need to leave right now no questions asked”.

    Always have a drink in your hand (sparkling water, orange juice) so if anybody offers you can say “oh no, I’m fine with this - thanks a million!”

    Lastly, would you consider telling them the truth? I don’t know how close you are, but I think if you’re going to stay sober long term they’ll find out eventually.

    You don’t have to use the words “alcoholic” or “drinking problem”. Just say you’re trying not to drink alcohol at the moment and it can be really hard at celebrations like weddings, so you’ll be ducking out early.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    I’d also suggest trying to reframe how you think of your sobriety. The sense of loss you’re feeling is normal but you could choose to think of it like this:

    - my first big sober occasion - what an achievement, I’m so proud of myself

    - I can’t wait to get dressed up and have a day out with my husband knowing I won’t embarrass myself or wake up with a hangover

    - I’m so lucky I have a supportive husband who’s going to help me through this day

    Etc etc


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 506 ✭✭✭Pistachio19


    7 months off the booze is to be applauded so well done on your sobriety. However, it is still soon to be placed in a situation where there is temptation, and a wedding is definitely one of these situations. I would decline. Who cares if they think you're pissed off about not being invited first time round. Are their feelings really more important than your health? No, they are not. Put yourself first here. Your husband can just tell his brother that you are not in a position to go but that he will be there to celebrate their day - no need to go into further detail.

    As for the communion, keep it low key. If you are having people to the house, just don't have alcohol. Its your house, your family event and most importantly its the child's day, so nobody can complain that you didn't provide alcohol. And even if they did whinge about it, you really don't have to care. All you need say is that because it's a child's event, yourself and your husband have decided to keep it alcohol free. You can control your events/occasions and for other occasions you make a decision based on how you feel you will cope at the time. In another few months you might find the temptation is less and you will be able to go out socialising without the urge to drink. It takes time so don't be pressured into doing anything that will f*ck up your hard work.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 86 ✭✭SnrInfant


    Hi all, OP here, I can't be bothered hiding my identity anylmore, I've posted loads in the non drinkers forum!
    Thank you for all the thoughtful replies.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,516 ✭✭✭Tork


    Are you going to any sort of AA meetings or getting help at the moment? If you are, would you consider running this by them and getting their advice?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 380 ✭✭Iodine1


    Hi, this is not a simple issue. It is one thing to feel confident you can resist the temptation. It is quite another to be able to feel confident to resist the pressure the others (friends and relatives) will put on you to "Go on, have one, sure you'll be fine!" I have seen this many times and can assure you that they will not take no for an answer no matter how many times you say it.
    Well done, and good luck. Stick to your resolve, it is definitely worth it in the long run. Please take care.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    First off just to add to the chorus saying well done on the 7 months OP, that’s a huge achievement and I hope you’re proud of yourself for the strength you’ve shown.

    If you really feel you can’t get out of it by saying you’re sick or something came up...is it a hotel wedding? If so, is there an option to head for the dinner/speeches then go up to your room and have your partner say you didn’t feel well? Then just have a nice chilled night in a hotel, read a book, have a bath, watch some Netflix etc and be good to yourself. Nobody will notice/care you’re not there after the speeches, people stop taking note at that stage and just enjoy the night. Plus, if there’s a BBQ or anything the next day it’d be expected you attend also, that gives you an easy out to go home. The cover story is that you weren’t feeling great coming down but wanted to see if you could tough it out for their sake (which also explains you ‘taking it easy’ and going on the water during the meal): you seem like a great, supportive family member who went out of your way to be there for them...while also minimising the amount of time at the drink-heavy part AND you get a nice relaxing night to yourself in a nice hotel room on top!


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 645 ✭✭✭rtron


    +1 for what leggo said. If you are staying at the venue you don't even need an excuse just slip off whenever.
    The big thing is when they come around with the wine at the dinner be prepared to say no.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    rtron wrote: »
    +1 for what leggo said. If you are staying at the venue you don't even need an excuse just slip off whenever.
    The big thing is when they come around with the wine at the dinner be prepared to say no.


    And when you say no, be prepared for some intrusive questions from people around you about whether or not you’re up the duff, because people will assume that!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,795 ✭✭✭C3PO


    joe40 wrote: »
    Is there any way you could just tell them the reason you can't go. I would imagine dealing with addiction is very difficult and really applaud your attitude here.
    Would it be easier if others in your family were aware of what you're going through, rather than having to go through it in secrecy.

    My thoughts too! Tell your in-laws why you would prefer not to go - if they don’t understand then it’s them at fault not you!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 86 ✭✭Finchie1276


    Hello
    Well done on your sobriety. Amazing work.

    Don't let it go to waste. You are agonising over what to say. Just say 'I am a recovering alcoholic and I find these social situations difficult, I'd love to have joined you and wish you both well but at this moment in time I have to focus on my recovery'.
    You are who you are. Just say it to them and go from there. Don't worry about what they think. Its not your job to think for them. Just think for yourself and be kind to yourself. Pat yourself on the back - you have done an amazing job.

    Enjoy the day whatever way you spend it, we only get each day once!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,033 ✭✭✭Call me Al


    mfceiling wrote: »
    Drive. Plain and simple.

    Would you like a drink?

    7 up please as I'm driving.

    Easy!!
    Exactly this.. you should be the driver. That means you can't. or pick non-alcoholic beers maybe? Just not the wine.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,164 ✭✭✭rolling boh


    somebody with alcohol addiction will most likely not be up to use driving as a way to stop drinking I think this situation is more serious than someone just trying to cut back a bit on their drinking .The poster has done great with seven months off it and i wish them well .If it was me i would only go for a short time if that was possible a supportive partner should understand the situation so be ok with that .If I had a partner in the same situation they would be my main concern so drink would not be a big factor in going anywhere .


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,326 ✭✭✭MartyMcFly84


    Don't go. Invent a stomach bug on the day if you feel your brother won't support your decision.

    I would not go if you are not feeling comfortable.

    But dont make up a last minute lie. Likely the couple will have paid in advance for the meal and whatever else they are covering which will mean waste and an invite they could not send to someone else who might attend. This would annoy people more than anything.

    Just decline and give notice. I am sure they won't mind you cannot make it.


Advertisement