New Relationship with separated man

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm looking for some advice.

I'm in my early 40's and met the most wonderful man recently and he laid all the facts out to me from day 1, he's separated and has two adult children. His wife lives with someone else now and myself & my Boyfriend get on so well. He's made me the happiest that I've ever been.

The issue is that my Parents aren't happy (as they deem him to be still married) and the fact that he's older than me (he's late 50's) and has children. I'm finding my Parents reaction hard to deal with as I want them to be happy for me. My Mother has even hinted to take precautions... I feel like they treat me like I'm 16 yrs old instead of a woman in her 40's...

Any advice would be appreciated in how to resolve this conflict.

Princess Calla

Unless you still live at home their opinions shouldn't really impact on your relationship.

I appreciate that it would be a lot easier if they accepted the relationship, but they have their reasons.

At your stage in life the majority of new partners will come with a certain amount of "baggage" so you may never make your parents happy with your choice of partner.

Just get on with your life and enjoy the new relationship.

They will probably come around eventually.

Xterminator

Hi OP

you parents grew up in a different era. i dont think they are going to quickly change their minds.

there is the obvious solution, he makes an honest woman of you, by divorcing his wife, and marrying you. Obviously it wouldn't make sense to do this just to please your parents, but if it is a possibility anyway, then it might do no harm to let you parents know that is the plan.

Perhaps there is a happy middle ground where you get engaged, with no marriage date set. that way you can tell the he is 'divorcing' his wife at some future date, and then you will set a marriage date. That might supplicate them, if you wanted to go down that road.

If you lok at it objectively they may well be concerned for your future and the stability if he died suddenly and you inherted nothing, and possibly (as you have not disclosed the details) become homeless etc. If that is their concern you could address that by reassuring them of any plans you have for the future, and how they neednt be worried about that aspect.

Dial Hard

Xterminator wrote: »

Perhaps there is a happy middle ground where you get engaged, with no marriage date set. that way you can tell the he is 'divorcing' his wife at some future date, and then you will set a marriage date. That might supplicate them, if you wanted to go down that road.

This is putting the cart before the horse somewhat, we don't even know how long they're seeing eachother. (Edit: OP describes it as "recent".) Also, personally, I've never seen the point in getting engaged without any intention of setting a date. I would also have zero interest in accepting a proposal from someone who's still legally married.

OP, how long is your boyfriend separated? Does he plan to divorce his wife? If so, has he set anything in motion to do this (it could take years, regardless of how long they're separated), and if not, does that bother you? If it doesn't, then stuff your parents and what they think. But just bear in mind that as long as he's married to her, she has all the rights in terms of inheritance, pensions, next of kin decisions and a myriad other things that probably haven't even crossed your mind yet but may well become pretty significant if you guys stay together long-term.

Neyite

How long has he been separated? Any divorce proceedings on the horizon?

Rufeo

Tara222666 wrote: »

Hi, I'm looking for some advice.

I'm in my early 40's and met the most wonderful man recently and he laid all the facts out to me from day 1, he's separated and has two adult children. His wife lives with someone else now and myself & my Boyfriend get on so well. He's made me the happiest that I've ever been.

The issue is that my Parents aren't happy (as they deem him to be still married) and the fact that he's older than me (he's late 50's) and has children. I'm finding my Parents reaction hard to deal with as I want them to be happy for me. My Mother has even hinted to take precautions... I feel like they treat me like I'm 16 yrs old instead of a woman in her 40's...

Any advice would be appreciated in how to resolve this conflict.

If he's still married, definitely proceed with caution. But you can make it work.

AulWan

You're in your forties.

Tell your parents you will conduct your relationships how you see fit.

SixtaWalthers

Tara222666 wrote: »

Hi, I'm looking for some advice.

I'm in my early 40's and met the most wonderful man recently and he laid all the facts out to me from day 1, he's separated and has two adult children. His wife lives with someone else now and myself & my Boyfriend get on so well. He's made me the happiest that I've ever been.

The issue is that my Parents aren't happy (as they deem him to be still married) and the fact that he's older than me (he's late 50's) and has children. I'm finding my Parents reaction hard to deal with as I want them to be happy for me. My Mother has even hinted to take precautions... I feel like they treat me like I'm 16 yrs old instead of a woman in her 40's...

Any advice would be appreciated in how to resolve this conflict.

Sounds good if you are happy. I think it would be better if he separates the wife legally. I don't think age is a matter here. If both of you are happy then live your life. Best wishes!!

JustAThought

If you wanted to avoid conflict why did you involve them!? I assume their reaction is not wildly different from what you might have expected given past experiences? Also +1 for their comments on an age gap - no doubt he is lovely, makes you happy etc but an almost 20 year age gap is a big issue - particularly as he is almost a pensioner and you still have a good run at life and health yet.

Senature

Op there are a few things here that you should consider for your own wellbeing.

Is he either legally separated or in the process of divorce? If not I would wonder why and probably suggest you walk away. That might sound harsh when you seem happy with him, but as the partner of a divorced man, trust me, you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who has legal ties to another person. Until they are legally seperated or divorced, and have split all assets etc, his "ex" wife has way more rights and influence on his life than you, next of kin, inheritance, shared assets, shared loans or mortgages etc. If they have already sorted all this out legally, do you know the arrangements? It can be hard to stomach an ex having a claim over your partner's income, or that he may be paying towards a house he doesn't get to live in etc, especially if you are not as financially comfortable as you might like to be. Even if he "owns" a house, he may not be free to sell it and use the proceeds to buy a house with you. All of these things can affect your quality of life on an ongoing basis.

The age gap would concern me too. There is a huge difference in my parent's health, energy and quality of life since they turned 70 a few years ago. Sorry for being morbid, but just this year they have been to 6 or 8 funerals already of their contemporaries. Late fifties is only 15 years away from this, early forties is 30 years sway from it. To me that is a huge difference at this stage of your life.

Regarding your parents, it is a pity how they are reacting. Perhaps they have concerns such as the above but are not directly expressing them? I agree at this stsge in life most potential partners will have some kind of baggage, but in this case both his age compared to yours, and the ambiguity about his marriage status would have me concerned for your well being if your relationship progresses.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. He has been effectively separated (though not legally) for years but he's planning to divorce his ex this year asap as soon as mediation is completed. As I say we're only dating a short time so believe me I'm not interested in getting engaged or married or even living together. I have my own place so am happy with just going out, spending time together and enjoying our time together. We're taking it slowly but we definitely believe that we have a future together.

Yes there's a 16 year age gap but I've never felt as happy as I do now. He makes me feel so happy and I just don't want anything to spoil that. The reason that I told my Parents is that they're were asking who I was spending time with and I felt it was best to be honest.

Emme

OP perhaps your parents are concerned that your BF may not be legally separated. They may also be concerned about the age gap on account of health problems on his part in the future. They have a right to be concerned but not to tell you how you should live your life.

It may be that your parents don't understand dating today, particularly for people over 35. Try to reassure them that you are happy with this man, he has been honest with you from the start and that age gaps such as yours get more common as people get older. Men tend to go for younger partners in subsequent relationships particularly if the are over 40. Do your parents understand just how difficult it is to find somebody who is honest?

I am not sure how the law stands on issues of separation but it may be that if he is not legally separated his wife would have the same rights as she does in marriage. If you were living with him in his house and had cared for him through an illness she may have rights to the property if he dies and you would have to get out. That's a worst case scenario of course but not unlikely given the age gap.

Do you have your own property? If so and you are in a serious relationship with this man it would be no harm to get legal advice.

It would be better for you if he were legally separated from his wife as opposed to non-legally separated. If his wife is living with somebody else it's possible they are legally separated.

Your parents don't want to see you selling yourself short which is understandable.

baby and crumble

16 years at that age isn't that much of an issue. I also wonder about people talking about a man in his late 50's as 'almost a pensioner'. Ok yes, 65 is pension age but 65 now isn't what 65 was 20 years ago. My Dad is 72 and flying around the place. I've had worse health than my father in the last few years and I'm still in my 30's!

Tork

I think you're going to have to get past your need to get your parent's approval with this. It is a lot for them to take in and maybe they never will fully accept your relationship. They probably don't understand what the over 40s dating scene is like in the first place and are still harbouring hopes that you'll bring home a nice man who has never been married, has no children and has no baggage. The age gap is something that would concern me but I'm sure you've thought about that (it is amusing to hear you speak about a man his age as a boyfriend though) and have weighed that up.

qwerty13

It’s early enough days yet. But if you stay together, there’s some very serious legal implications if he doesn’t get divorced. I hope he really is actively pursuing that.

I’d be quite pause for thought re the age gap. But as long as you’re happy, and recognise that he is more than likely to hit health issues sooner than you, then fair enough. You absolutely need him to be divorced by if/when that happens though.

Purple Mountain

baby and crumble wrote: »

16 years at that age isn't that much of an issue. I also wonder about people talking about a man in his late 50's as 'almost a pensioner'. Ok yes, 65 is pension age but 65 now isn't what 65 was 20 years ago. My Dad is 72 and flying around the place. I've had worse health than my father in the last few years and I'm still in my 30's!

hear hear

Emme

Tara222666 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. He has been effectively separated (though not legally) for years but he's planning to divorce his ex this year asap as soon as mediation is completed.

Planning as in seeing the solicitor planning or planning as in saying he's going to divorce her. There's a big difference. Why did they not legally separate sooner?

Tara222666 wrote: »

As I say we're only dating a short time so believe me I'm not interested in getting engaged or married or even living together. I have my own place so am happy with just going out, spending time together and enjoying our time together. We're taking it slowly but we definitely believe that we have a future together.

You're best to take it slowly. It might be helpful for you to check out the Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010 when you get a chance http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/eli/2010/act/24/enacted/en/html

I'm not saying you're going to move in together, I would advise against it altogether but if you both want to do so in the future wait until the divorce procedure is complete. As far as I know if somebody moves in with you and you have children together they have rights to your property after two years. If you don't have children they have rights to your property after five years. I am not sure how this works if the person who moves in is married to another person and predeceases them. Would the remaining spouse or his children have rights to your property if he didn't make a will? I'm not a solicitor so I don't understand this fully.

If in the future you plan to move in together make sure the separation/divorce procedure is complete.

qwerty13

So he’s not separated. He’s just not in a relationship with his wife. He’s legally married, and legally not separated.

Even though I wouldn’t necessarily agree with everything your parents say, I can understand their concern. Why isn’t he at least legally separated? Was he (is he) hedging his bets? Even if he initiates divorce proceedings now, does that take 4 years (I know there was talk of reduced it to 2 years - was that enacted?).

And that is quite a sizeable age gap. Like it or not, health issues, next of kin issues, and inheritance issues are likely to be something you’ll have to deal with.

Dial Hard

qwerty13 wrote: »

Even if he initiates divorce proceedings now, does that take 4 years.

No, as long as they can show that they've been effectively separated for at least four years he can file for divorce in the morning. It could still take years to go through though, particularly if there are still shared assets in play.

paw patrol

Dial Hard wrote: »

No, as long as they can show that they've been effectively separated for at least four years he can file for divorce in the morning. It could still take years to go through though, particularly if there are still shared assets in play.

that is now reduced to 2 years...

Caranica

I've been separated for 8 years, never legally. We will divorce shortly but came to an amicable solution on finances etc so didn't need the expense of a legal separation. You don't need one to divorce so if things are amicable, why bother?

OP your parents will always worry but only you can decide what's best for you. Your parents should support that, even if they disagree.

NewRed2

The best way forward is to get your folks and himself to meet up a lot.
Let them see what you see.... Bring them out together etc

Daisy78

It may be that your parents are a little disappointed with your choice of partner and as someone else mentioned hoping that someone else with less baggage comes along. You appear to be a good catch, they might feel that he has little to offer you. You might need to come to terms with the fact that they may not ever accept him. Whatever the outcome I would maintain good relations with your mam and dad, even if this becoming a bigger issue with them.