His Comment

LegacyUser

Regular going anon for this.

Recently I started seeing this guy. We've been seeing each other about 3 times a week (exclusivery) for about 6 weeks. From the get-go I've always felt he was fairly keen-introducing me to his friends very early on, invariably consistent and reliable. Both early-twenties, professionals. I've no doubt at all he's fairly attracted to me. Although he's stayed over at mine on a regular basis and fooled around, we haven't had sex yet. In truth I'm not ready yet and am still a virgin. He's always respectful of my situation and although I know he wants to, he never pressurises me etc.

This morning though, something he said made me a bit anxious. From our convos, he's aware, for instance I most certainly wouldn't want to fall pregnant, although this isn't what's holding me back from having sex, I want to concentrate on my career first and the last thing I'd want is a child at my age! During our conversation this am, I made some comment (in context) like 'Imagine if we had to get married' referring to what happened lots of couples in the old days, when the girl got pregnant. His response was 'Some marriage eh' I didn't get a chance to ask him exactly what he meant (although I intend to!) because he was on his way out the door to work, but I was left feeling a bit uneasy.

Of course I'm perfectly aware, we hardly know each other at this point in terms of how compatible we are in the long term etc, but does his comment convey the impression he's not that serious about me? Certainly not enough to be considering me as a long term partner? There's just something about it I didn't like or am I just being a bit too sensitive? I do like him a lot and wouldn't want to be strung along or hurt. Friend thinks I most probably misunderstood him.

Thoughts please?

woodchuck

OP it sounds like you're reading too much into this and it's just a misunderstanding. You said yourself the context of the conversation was what happened to lots of couples in the old days when a girl got pregnant. I'd assume the "some marriage eh" comment was in relation to that type of situation in general, i.e. shotgun weddings!

Personally I wouldn't bring it up again. You're overthinking it.

osarusan

Yeah, it strikes me as a comment on shotgun/forced marriages in general, rather than an insight into his vision of a future with you.

You were the one who said "imagine if we had to get married", which, out of context, sounds like something that would concern him in the same way you are concerned about what he said.

But I don't think there was anything in it.

Princess Calla

I would imagine he meant getting married just because your expecting a child if not a very good foundation to build a marriage on.

As an aside, if fear of pregnancy is what's holding you back from sex, please talk to your gp, there are so many contraception options now.

Also don't build up your first time as this big fairytale event it really isn't that's not to say rush out the door to get it over with. Now don't get me wrong, mine was lovely with a great guy I was crazy about, so I get the wanting to wait, and I have never been the jump into bed type, but you know it's one of these things that practice makes perfect and practicing is soooo much fun you're young enjoy yourself (safely)!

He sounds like a good guy, don't let a throw away comment fester into something big.

ManOfMystery

I think you're reading too much into it, he reacted to an offhand commend in an offhand way. Going by his actions and general behaviour it doesn't sound like there's much to be concerned about.

Lotus Flower

Hi OP,

In all honesty it's your comment that would alarm me more than his. 6 weeks is way too early to be making comments like that. You barely know each other

Were you testing him to see what his reaction would be, even subconsciously?

eviltwin

Yeah sounds like a throwaway comment about the ridiculous notion of having to get married just because of a pregnancy. That's not expected anymore so I'd imagine he thought you saying it was a joke and he replied in kind.

Don't stress about it, he seems great. I wouldn't raise it with him either, it's a bit much at such an early stage to start asking him to explain himself over something so trivial. It could backfire on you.

rainbowtrout

Your own comment was far more out of place. You haven't had sex with him but are making comments first thing in the morning saying 'Imagine if we had to get married'. A paranoid guy might think that you aren't going to be very responsible when you do have sex and might become pregnant 'accidentally on purpose'. I'm sure that's not what he was expecting first thing in the morning.

Ladybird18

I read the comment as meaning "some marriage" as in a sexless marriage.
Maybe he is referring to that.
Either way if it is bothering you just ask him to clarify.

El_Duderino 09

Ladybird18 wrote: »

I read the comment as meaning "some marriage" as in a sexless marriage.
Maybe he is referring to that.
Either way if it is bothering you just ask him to clarify.

I have to say I thought it could be this too. Between the forced marriage and a marriage without sex, it would likely be fairly dreadful.

If it’s about not having sexual then that’s important to know too. It’s completely up to you to not have sex and he’s right to not pressurise the OP. But it’s important that the OP knows that it’s perfectly fair for the bloke to form an opinion of the relationship based on the fact that there is no sex and it is likely to be putting a strain on the relationship from his perspective.

Best to ask him so you both know what you’re both thinking.

Also, it could be a massive downer to joke about getting married and having a child before you’ve even had sex. Just ask him tactfully.

it was a very very strange comment for you to make, OP, if I'm honest.

Lotus Flower

OP, please don't bring it up again or seek clarification. The best thing you can do is just say nothing and if he brings it up, just laugh it off.

I'll be honest, it would surprise me if the comment hasn't already sent him running for the hills. I know I would be gone like a shot if someone made a comment like that after 6 weeks. If it hasn't sent him running for the hills, just say nothing. Probing and clarifying and asking what he meant (especially as he was replying to your comment and probably just didn't know what else to say) will just make it worse

zapper55

I think he reacted well to a really strange comment. If I was with someone that didnt want to have sex yet but joked about a shotgun wedding I'd be very wary myself. I wouldnt think no sex is a joking matter either. I'm female and was happy to wait for a guy who wasnt ready to loose his virginity just yet, it happened after 3 months, but if he was joking like that I would see it as a real lack of respect for me.

If he continues to see you after that comment I absolutely would not being it up again. But I think you need to be a bit more aware of how your words can affect people.

Emme

OP 6 weeks dating exclusively is VERY early days. Far too soon to be mentioning marriage or anything like that.

If you're not ready for sex fair enough but it might help if you got contraceptive advice from your GP or the Well Woman clinic if the situation arises when you are ready. It's best to be prepared.

qwerty13

You clearly have an issue/fear re getting pregnant. Go and sort contraception.

You also are not conformable with having sex too soon. That’s fair enough, but even though I’m a lot older than you, I’d say you’re on the edge of a partner’s patience. Male or female.

And lastly, your comment re forced marriage was really really strange. Especially as you haven’t wanted to have sex. It came across to me as a bit fundamentalist Christian. If that’s your gig, ok, but tell the guy that’s how you are. It just feels at the moment like you’re leaving him in limbo, which is increasingly unfair the longer that goes on. If you combine that with you frankly very strange comment, I’d see major red flags if I were him.

Pistachio19

If I were him I'd be backing off tbh. Think of it from his side of things

'Have been dating a girl for six weeks. Despite spending nights together we haven't had sex, which is totally fine and I respect her decision to wait. However this morning she made some weird comment about having to get married if she got pregnant as they did in the olden days. Now that would be unlikely to happen if we're not having sex! I'm now wondering if she's thinking about marriage already? I was completely taken aback and answered "some marriage, eh", given it's only been six weeks, we haven't had sex so there's no way we'd be having a shotgun wedding. Should I run for the hills?'

What would your answer to that be? I think I'd tell him to run for the hills. Stop overthinking it and don't bring it up again.

Big Bag of Chips

When you said "imagine if we had to get married" you weren't saying it in positive excited tone. You were saying it wouldn't be a good thing. He just agreed with you. I'm sure he found it a clumsy thing for you to say, and possibly replied clumsily. But you don't want to marry him. You said it out loud. But now you're put out that he agreed with you?!

Move on. It's a conversation that doesn't ever need to be had at this stage. That's why it was awkward.