Lacking connection

Cali1978

Hi all, just wondering if anyone can share their experiences. I’m in my late 30’s and doing the online thing. I’ve gone on quite a lot of dates and seen a few men for 3/4 dates. The last guy I was seeing lasted about 7 weeks. Everything on paper seemed good but somehow there was a connection missing. We both knew it and it ended.
I just can’t seem to meet someone that I feel a connection/strong liking/really looking forward to seeing/have great fun with... Its just a nice person who I can chat to but I don’t feel any excitement. I’m beginning to think it’s me, that I unconsciously self sabotage so something doesn’t work out. I don’t have a lot of relationship experience due to self esteem issues but have done a lot of work on myself and know I’m decent! I feel I’m so ready to meet the right person and hope that then I will feel at ease, then it won’t feel as uncomfortable as I’ve sometimes felt it to be on dates. I’m not a big PDA person but am affectionate in private and I don’t sleep with people I don’t see a long term connection with. Maybe that’s ruining my chances. Maybe that would spark a connection. I don’t know. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person. :-(.
Just wondering if anyone else feels the same as I’m beginning to think like I’m dead inside that I’m not feeling anything for anyone!

Thelonious Monk

Sounds like you're doing everything right to me. It can be disheartening when you don't have any connection with these dates, I went on so many for years, sometimes like yourself 5 or 6 dates etc hoping you might connect but nothing.
Just take a break if it's getting to you, and try it again when you feel ready. If you keep at it and keep your options open you might meet someone eventually that you have a strong connection to - or you might not! There's always that but c'est la vie. Good luck.

Heres Johnny

Cali1978 wrote: »

Hi all, just wondering if anyone can share their experiences. I’m in my late 30’s and doing the online thing. I’ve gone on quite a lot of dates and seen a few men for 3/4 dates. The last guy I was seeing lasted about 7 weeks. Everything on paper seemed good but somehow there was a connection missing. We both knew it and it ended.
I just can’t seem to meet someone that I feel a connection/strong liking/really looking forward to seeing/have great fun with... Its just a nice person who I can chat to but I don’t feel any excitement. I’m beginning to think it’s me, that I unconsciously self sabotage so something doesn’t work out. I don’t have a lot of relationship experience due to self esteem issues but have done a lot of work on myself and know I’m decent! I feel I’m so ready to meet the right person and hope that then I will feel at ease, then it won’t feel as uncomfortable as I’ve sometimes felt it to be on dates. I’m not a big PDA person but am affectionate in private and I don’t sleep with people I don’t see a long term connection with. Maybe that’s ruining my chances. Maybe that would spark a connection. I don’t know. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person. :-(.
Just wondering if anyone else feels the same as I’m beginning to think like I’m dead inside that I’m not feeling anything for anyone!

7 weeks is a decent stint for dating someone, did you know you had no feelings for him all along or did you just get bored? Are you just dating 1 guy at a time or a few?

Cali1978

I suppose I knew all along there weren’t feelings but hoped they’d grow. Sometimes that happens?? Now I’m questioning what I did wrong, did I unconsciously sabotage it with my own insecurities or were we just not compatible. That’s what I struggle with. It seemed like it should work on paper but was I guilty of not building the attraction enough? I generally only meet one person at a time-it’s hard enough finding time for one I find!

Heres Johnny

Maybe you are sabotaging it, who knows? Whats your thought process when you finish things? Do you think I'd prefer to be single than in a relationship or do you agree you want to be in a relationship but not with that person at the time? Do you think there are better guys? At late 30s its the time people are looking to definitely find a life partner .

You never gave any reasons for ending them so maybe thinking fear of commitment??

Waiting for rom com style grand gesture and your prince charming?

Youve never bad mouthed the guys so maybe, just maybe, you are being overly picky. No problem in having standards but keep them realistic too

Thelonious Monk

Heres Johnny wrote: »

Waiting for rom com style grand gesture and your prince charming?

Youve never bad mouthed the guys so maybe, just maybe, you are being overly picky. No problem in having standards but keep them realistic too

You can't just decide not to be picky and go along with some bloke because he seems nice and doesn't have any obvious flaws. You still have to want to see them again and again, I think that's where she's saying the connection is lacking as she can't be bothered with these guys.

Upforthematch

Cali1978 wrote: »

-it’s hard enough finding time for one I find!

If you had a connection with them you would have made time, so don't beat yourself up. Why settle for someone you're not mad about?

Making connection is such a personal thing. Is there a common link between your past dates, some trait that you dont find attracrive?

It sounds like you just need to keep going on dates until you meet the one....

bitofabind

When you've been interested in guys in the past, was there a common denominator? E.G they were funny or kind or very intelligent etc. Even try to think about the not-so-favourable things - E.G have you gone for guys that were a bit unavailable, not over their exes etc? These patterns can often give us perspective on the things we need in a relationship going forward.

While that 'spark' is important, my experience is that what gives a relationship longevity ultimately is having a solid foundation of friendship. I've had two longterm relationships, and I wasn't bowled over with fireworks with either of them. I just felt comfortable around them. I felt safe and respected and like they cared about me. And we laughed a lot together. With time the emotional connection came and there was physical attraction there on both sides too, hence both relationships naturally progressed over time.

leggo

There’s no way to tell for sure without getting in-depth person by person. But the fact you’re questioning this to begin with could be indicative of something, I don’t think you would be if it was just a case of you not being into people you met while dating because we tend not to give them a second glance.

Some people - and I would’ve included myself in this at one stage too so this is non-judgemental - feel connections towards people who are predisposed to hurt them and find nice, decent, attractive people who just like them somehow ‘boring’. It’s a toxic mindset that’s set very early on in our lives and is hard to unearth because we can, on the surface, feel good about ourselves and that we’re deserving of a good partner...but it’s something that needs to be dealt with at the root to fundamentally change. It’s like being sick: just identifying that you might have an illness doesn’t cure you, you need to identify the exact illness and treat it the right way. Counselling is great for this because not only do counsellors deal with this stuff all the time (so they can spot and ask the questions to get to the root of the issue quite quickly if you work with them), but they can help guide you and ‘re-learn’ healthy ways to connect to people and identify people who are good for you. It works and can be really interesting too if you’re able for it.

Cali1978

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

You can't just decide not to be picky and go along with some bloke because he seems nice and doesn't have any obvious flaws. You still have to want to see them again and again, I think that's where she's saying the connection is lacking as she can't be bothered with these guys.

Yes this is what I’m trying to say I think. Because there’s so rarely a feeling of fun, I’m just starting to wonder if I’m shutting things down subconsciously. I think I’m an open person so maybe I’m just meeting a lot of closed people who I’m not getting anything back from...

Thelonious Monk

Cali1978 wrote: »

Yes this is what I’m trying to say I think. Because there’s so rarely a feeling of fun, I’m just starting to wonder if I’m shutting things down subconsciously. I think I’m an open person so maybe I’m just meeting a lot of closed people who I’m not getting anything back from...

Right so you just haven't clicked with anyone. I suppose it's so easy to get dates these days with apps etc that you're bound to have loads of these non-connections, and it becomes disheartening. If it happens it happens, but don't beat yourself up because you're not connecting with people, you can't really help that.

Porklife

bitofabind wrote: »

When you've been interested in guys in the past, was there a common denominator? E.G they were funny or kind or very intelligent etc. Even try to think about the not-so-favourable things - E.G have you gone for guys that were a bit unavailable, not over their exes etc? These patterns can often give us perspective on the things we need in a relationship going forward.

While that 'spark' is important, my experience is that what gives a relationship longevity ultimately is having a solid foundation of friendship. I've had two longterm relationships, and I wasn't bowled over with fireworks with either of them. I just felt comfortable around them. I felt safe and respected and like they cared about me. And we laughed a lot together. With time the emotional connection came and there was physical attraction there on both sides too, hence both relationships naturally progressed over time.

Why did they end if you don't mind me asking and if you do I completely understand!
I had the same with my ex. He cheated so out of self respect I had to end it but it shattered me. Those break ups are the worst. Real connection doesn't come around often. It's so precious and beautiful when it does though and worth the wait.

bitofabind

Porklife wrote: »

Why did they end if you don't mind me asking and if you do I completely understand!
I had the same with my ex. He cheated so out of self respect I had to end it but it shattered me. Those break ups are the worst. Real connection doesn't come around often. It's so precious and beautiful when it does though and worth the wait.

I got together with my first bf in college at 18 and it was simply a case of outgrowing each other, growing up and growing apart. The second was a case of day-to-day incompatibilities getting in the way the longer we stayed together. Our approach to finances was completely opposite and his drinking became a problem. That was the real heartbreaking one, the "true love" that I just couldn't live with in the end, but I learned a lot from that situation too.

OP - I agree with others in that you're doing the right things, giving in a go when a guy seems to have potential and that's all you can do really. Most people - as in 99.99999% - are not going to be a match. That's why it's called dating! What I find helps is to try to learn something from every dating situation I get into, whether it's learning something about my own needs or qualities that I should be prioritising more when I'm meeting new guys.

And just try to be a bit light-hearted and playful about it. We'd all love to meet that right person, but this isn't life or death stuff and you should be having plenty of flirting and fun along the way!