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Friend broke my trust

  • 24-02-2020 8:43am
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭

    Going anon for this thread.

    I confided in my best friend about an issue I was going through with my husband which has since been resolved. He was drinking heavily for a while but has stopped now and has a few drinks one night a week.

    I got a call off my friend a couple of weeks back telling me she didn't want to be here anymore and so I drove up to her as if anything did happen I wouldn't want it on my conscious.

    What I was greeted at the door with i will never forget. Standing in her underwear, black eyeliner all over her face in floods of tears. She was drunk. Drank 3 bottles of wine. She told me she was depressed etc. I went home that night and we said no more of it.

    Obviously my husband knew about this. A week later he text her thinking he was doing a good deed and told her that some years back he was in the same place but that I saved him and pulled him through. He told her she was a stunning girl and to think of the people around her etc

    She went and got drink on her again last week and called my sister at 1 am and said she needed to talk to her about me. She told my sister my husband was toxic for me. That he was sending her inappropriate messages and that she had already told me to check his phone. She never told me to do this.

    She told her that he was checked into a mental hospital years ago. My sister knew everything we went thru when he had depression. He was never in a mental hospital. He went to counselling. This girl is forever getting counselling. I don't think there is anything wrong with that but the way she made my husband to be almost like it was a dirty secret.

    She told how he was an alcoholic and that she has now lost me. That my husband hated my sister and I'll forever be in my sister shadow as she is married with kids. I'm also married with kids so this makes no sense.

    It's only when I sat down to think of everything I have realised. Everyone of us with a husband or boyfriend she has talked bad about. When a friend of ours had her baby, we left the hospital and this girl said I have lost her now. She's had her baby so I said goodbye as she won't be out now etc

    I'm so upset. My sister hasn't slept since she got this call. I didn't sleep last night at all. My sister said she wouldn't say anything about it but she obviously had to come to me to tell me. This girl is acting normal to me texting me to meet for coffee etc. I'm sickened.


  • Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus

    The unfortunate truth in this situation is that she was never really your friend. You are someone she finds useful to have as a contact, but any sense of loyalty you felt was an illusion.

    Her substance abuse problems might partially explain her behaviour, but for the most part she's likely just a pure narcissist. Telling lies about people to tear them down is part and parcel of it. Envy and self-centeredness are the motivations that rule her world.

    It's time to cut her off. There's no point confronting her with this and asking for an explanation. Her "explanation" will consist of a flood of tears, lies, lies and more lies, and accusations against everyone she can think of, and most of all reasons why none of it is her fault.

    The hardest thing that's gonna be for you to accept here is that the friend you thought you had, never actually existed. Go speak to some of your other mutual friends and I can guarantee that you will find webs of lies and gossip going back years, that she has been spreading behind everyone's back.

    This kind of individual is unfortunately beyond redemption; from your perspective anyway. Tell your other mutual friends what has happened, let this woman know that you know she's been spreading lies and tell her that you're done. Remove her from your life; social media, contacts, whatsapp, everything.

    If she does contact you in the middle of the night suicidal again, then contact the Gardai, tell them there's a suicidal woman and send them to her house.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13

    While I agree with a lot of what Seamus has said, your husband way overstepped the mark. She didn’t have the conversation with him re feeling suicidal, she had it with you. Did he run by you what he was going to do? If not, why not? And if he did, why didn’t you just tell your friend that he was thinking of her and had been in a similar place etc.

    Why did your husband even go there, considering that you and your friend had “said no more of it”. I’m not doubting his good intentions, but he really did jump in there both feet first. Which your friend took badly, overreacted, and then lashed out and exaggerated in retaliation.

    I think it would be better if you all stopped being friends though. It’s not working for any of you.

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple

    First of all , she seems like an addict, and not in her right mind. Especially as these episodes are when she is off her head.

    Your husband meant well, but that was a dopey thing to do and it's clearly seen by her as breach of her trust. You telling him about her depression was not something she wanted shared. She is mortified and is now lashing out.

    I don't know if you can fix this to be honest. She sounds like she needs professional help.

  • Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus

    I do agree that indeed your husband getting in touch, while well-intentioned was an error on his part and out of line.

    I would make it clear to him that in future, the things you tell him, you do in confidence using him as a sounding board. And if you want him to get involved, you will explicitly ask. My wife has confided in me about her friends, and while I've privately thought about what I could do to try and help, I've never carried through. It's not my place. So I do understand why he did what he did, but it was still a mistake on his part.

    Nevertheless, none of that excuses what she's done. If she was upset about you telling your husband, then a rational adult would come straight out and say it, rather than trying to weave some kind of grand soap opera out of it.

  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite

    There's a big difference between keeping secrets you have from your partner and keeping secrets told to you by another person.

    Friends of mine have confided in me, and the most my partner gets told is that my friend had a bit of a crisis and needed someone to talk to, and only if needed.

    Your husband was out of order texting her, but you were wrong to tell him about her issues. Having said that she sounds very troubled and makes up stuff so as a friend she's probably no great loss to you.

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 EasyG

    Friend broke my trust.
    Mmm, sounds like YOU broke your friends trust, from what I'm reading here.
    Your husband was bang out of order contacting her like that after you went to her at her time of need.
    She lashed out with a few drinks on her. Try see it from her side.

  • Registered Users Posts: 614 ✭✭✭notsoyoungwan

    You were the first one to break trust, by telling your husband the details of her crisis/meltdown.

    I really despise people who tell their spouses things their friends have confided in them on the basis that they ‘don’t have secrets’ from their spouse. It’s of course totally fine for you not to have secrets about your own life from your spouse (though in and of itself I find that an odd dynamic) but it is perfectly reasonable for a friend to want to share things with you and you alone, ie not your husband.

    To me, it’s a sign of a bad friend if they automatically tell their spouse something a friend has told them in confidence because they ‘tell him everything’. I’ve ended one friendship over it, a good few years ago after a friend told her husband something deeply personal I’d told her and then told me what his opinion on it was.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,123 ✭✭✭Ellie2008

    As the above poster has said you broke her trust. Your husband then did something which was inappropriate however well intentioned. I don’t see what it would be obvious that you would tell your husband what happened the night you went to see your friend.

    Your friend then called your sister drunk & said a few things that sound close to the truth followed by some crazy acquisitions.

    I don’t understand how you’ve made the jump to your friend has an issue with anyone with husbands, boyfriends, kids etc. It sounds like you are angry & reaching & looking for a reason to ditch her.

    Your friend sounds like she could do with a friend. She shouldn’t have called your sister & said those things, but she sounds vulnerable. My advice would be to wait until you are both less emotional & discuss it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13

    You both broke each other’s trust. That got highlighted in different ways: your husband should and could have kept his nose out and mouth shut, but didn’t. And your friend should not have drunkenly relayed information re your husband. But the point is that you both mouthed off very private info to others.

    You’re both at fault here. But it sounds like your friend needs help. Would she listen to an offer of help from you?

  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON

    A secret that 3 people hear is no longer a secret.

    If I confide a personal matter or a secret with a close friend there can be no messing around.

    If a friend tries to dump an issue on me I will help as much as possible, but I will also let them be aware that just by telling me the issue ,it will not evaporate, whatever it is. The matter remains long after the secret begins, I will help them sort it.

    Sometimes friends can overlook your trust( abuse is too strong a word between real friends, no real friend will ever intentionally try to abuse your friendship, or you), when this happens you need to update your friendship. That does not mean aborting the friendship over one instance, don't do that. But if things persist you need to set new boundaries for starters, don't kill it, but friends who don't respect close friendships don't deserve to be in them. But if you are contemplating "dropping" a friend think hard. You need friends and sometimes friendships need nurture.

    Marriage gets in the way of friendships. However, thoughtful spouses, particularly spouses that respect their marriage, will afford their spouses enough room to have proper friendships. If you are not getting such room from a spouse your marriage is suffering, but let's stay on topic.

    When your friendship is continually being threatened by the actions of your friend, you owe it to both your friendship and your friend, to let them know you are not happy about it and exactly why your not happy. If your friend can't respect the friendship after that then the friendship could be in trouble, but at least you tried. Eitherway, a real friend will do everything to maintain the friendship.

    Learn the mistake you made by confiding your friend's trust with your husband. You cannot do that anymore. Your husband was bang out of order, twice. First he has not respected you by blabbing to your friend the issue. Secondly he has not respected your friendship. He needs a serious bollicking over both those matters.

    Finally you need to address how you are valuing your friend and the friendship you share together. Good luck with that. But an apology will be required for starters, even if you are not keen on upkeeping the friendship jn the future. Treat your friends with the respect that they deserve, they will be there for you if respected correctly.

    Crap like depression and mental illness, and their accompanying traits such as alcohol abuse, will always try to disrupt your friendships and your marriage. Don't let that happen. Both deserve better. Use your friendships and your marriage to combat such crap. You are not married to depression and mental illness, neither is it your friend.

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  • Posts: 7,712 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]

    You both broke trust but I’d see talking to your spouse a whole lot less reprehensible than what she went and did. You should now use this opportunity to break ties. She sounds like she’ll be trouble and you don’t need your life being dragged down like that, let her cry wolf to someone else. Forget her and focus on your husband and sister.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,817 ✭✭✭Darc19

    Seems a few people here have not read the post properly.

    The op has not broken any trust.

    I'm guessing that the friend is a friend of the family and husband and sister knows her.

    Friend seems to have alcoholic and mental health issues and I'd be looking to chat to someone who can get her to get help. That may be the op's husband.

    But I can't see where the op or her husband have done anything untoward. You don't get a drink problem overnight, the friend's texts suggest depression / mental health and again, that doesn't happen suddenly.

    I'd be looking at the friend as two people - the nice person you know and the nasty person. Realise that both are strangers to each other and look at how you can assist in getting the nice person to be there all the time.

    It's difficult, they will need to hit rock bottom and admit the issues and look for help, but if you are close to her, expect more abuse and accusations as they tend to attack those they are closest to most.

  • Registered Users Posts: 263 ✭✭lunamoon

    Darc19 wrote: »
    Seems a few people here have not read the post properly.

    The op has not broken any trust.

    She told her husband something her friend confided in her. If she wanted the OPs husband to know she'd have told him herself.