White Lies??

Mynameisspud

Long-time lurker in need of advice.

My partner seems to think it is okay to consistently lie to me. It has become normal to the point where I don’t think I can trust them anymore.
Currently we are really hanging on by a thread. The last two years has been rocky for us both and we have both done things that have hurt one another. Some of that has been difficult to move past for both of us. But we agreed to try.

A deal breaker for me was being lied to (which they were aware of). I’ve genuinely pleaded for this behaviour to stop. But it hasn’t and what is really upsetting is that usually it’s not even about stuff of consequence.

So for me the content of the lie doesn’t matter anymore. It’s the about the process of it being normal to lie to your partner and the unwillingness to tackle the process that is the issue.

This week I picked up on something in a conversation that didn’t make sense. When I asked about it I was lied to. It was quite obviously a lie and easily figured out beyond doubt. They could have easily proved my suspicions wrong in literal seconds. But they believe that their white lies are totally inconsequential and didn’t really matter. That is essentially a quote.

But it has had a massive impact on the relationship. I feel like the constant uncertainty has really impacted on the lack of emotional and physical intimacy in our relationship. I don’t feel like they got my back anymore if ever. And it hurts me deeply that my partner obviously doesn’t feel they can reveal their true feelings or thoughts to me. I understand my role in this behaviour and have no doubt caused some of it and I have made tangible efforts to better myself and positively impact our relationship.

So since this happened mid-week we haven’t really been able to make a breakthrough and it looks like we are going to split.

In instances like this my partner focuses on the overall picture so every time we have a disagreement it feels like I am faced with their accumulated unhappiness from things that happened years ago. Then these old arguments are used as rationale for splitting up today/tomorrow/next year. Whereas I like to focus on the issue that has presented itself at that time and want to “solve” the issue ASAP. So now this has escalated to a point where it is close to being a deal breaker.

I don’t really know where to go from here. I don’t even really know what I’m looking for here from you….
Maybe has anyone experienced anything similar and how was the situation resolved?
I’d like to resolve it but the constant white lying would have to stop and I can’t see that happening. I’d even be delighted with an effort or even an acknowledgement of it because it would be a step forward but the retort is “this is who I am”. I cannot argue with this but I will argue that lying has had a devastating impact on our relationship, is not a positive trait, and shouldn’t be one that is included in “this is me inc”.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate any thoughts or replies.
Thank you.

Smile111

Hi,

Sorry you are going through this. Years and years ago. My ex would tell me white lies. I found out one . It was v important to me. He swore he had not said anything. My gut told me different. He kept denying it.
Eventually he just came out that he lied
We were fighting. I stupidly stayed with him. I remember asking for advice here and doing the opposite:/.
After a year or 2 other things happened but ultimately it was the lies I couldn't get passed.
I wish I had walked that day. I tried. But he guilt tripped me into staying. Someone told me it was emotional blackmail. It was...

The day I finally walked was the day I got my freedom. Yes it was difficult at the beginning but it was the right one. The only regret is I didn't do it sooner.

That relationship has definitely tainted other relationships.

My advice is leave. The trust is gone.
Go and be happy. Find someone who makes you happy. Find someone who deserves you. Who treats you with respect.
Do it for you and don't be thinking what will other people think. It's your happiness.

Sorry if this wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear but I know you worrying and can't sleep with this.
Life is too short to be unhappy.
Hope that helps somewhat.:)

LegacyUser

It all sounds absolutely exhausting.
You're flogging a dead horse; they're not going to change. This will be your life. This is how your relationship will be. Things will not change.
Decision now= put up & shut up, or leave.
You decide the life you want.

redfox123

What do you mean you’re faced with the accumulated unhappiness? Do they bring up things you have done to them that they haven’t let go? How do you mean you have been a cause of their actions/lies?
I don’t know what has happened in the past but there’s seems to be a lot of resentment there from your partner.
Relationship counselling could help but usually the partner who doesn’t really want to fix things, ie your partner, will say no.
I would probably say it’s time to end it because the lies are something that shouldn’t be just part of ‘who they are’. Everyone should work on themselves and seek to improve and be better every day, especially for the health of a relationship.

leggo

OP based off your explanation, it seems like your relationship has gotten to that awful toxic stage where you’re together by nothing more than habit but there’s only anger, bitterness, resentment and uncertainty left. I feel for you, and also I’m sure your partner would be able to write a post of their own with their side.

For example, I know some people who’ve been in relationships where they’d get drama no matter what they say, so they just start telling their partner the version of the truth that placates them and keeps them happy. I get the feeling based on what you’ve said his response is that this is close to his motivation. Also, there’s just some people who lie without even thinking about it. They just don’t see value in the truth and like to either just keep people happy or manipulate them. Often they’re lying to themselves as much as anyone else too, so confronting them is pointless because they don’t know any other way. You may as well be talking to the wall because they just have zero concept of why this matters. So I fear this is just a character trait you need to accept and deal with rather than getting into an ultimately futile battle to ‘change’ him that will drive you insane and, I’ll tell you now with certainty, won’t work.

At this stage you’ve got to evaluate what the benefit is to the two of you continuing. Is it out of love, being best friends, enjoying each other’s company and being excited for the future together? Or is it out of habit, fear of the unknown, financial reasons etc? The former is the backbone of a relationship with a future, the latter are concerns that millions of people realised were for naught when they ended relationships that weren’t working.

Calypso Realm

Mynameisspud wrote: »

But it has had a massive impact on the relationship. I feel like the constant uncertainty has really impacted on the lack of emotional and physical intimacy in our relationship. I don’t feel like they got my back anymore if ever. And it hurts me deeply that my partner obviously doesn’t feel they can reveal their true feelings or thoughts to me. I understand my role in this behaviour and have no doubt caused some of it and I have made tangible efforts to better myself and positively impact our relationship.

OP while it's not clear exactly what type of situations your partner lies in, I'm not at all surprised to read the above. I'd even go one step further to say it's impossible to emotionally bond/connect with someone like this since you're never going to see the 'real' person at their core, behind the facade.. In fact, I genuinely don't understand how you've managed to stick around for so long!

I had an ex-colleague/friend who told umpteen lies (about her family background, qualifications, work performance etc) borne out of an inferiority complex, poor self-esteem etc and while I fully understand why she lies, nonetheless, she's not someone I liked spending too much time with. It's all so disingenuous. So I just cut her loose!

Also while people lie for all sorts of reasons (small white lies now and again to save someone's feelings are understandable for instance) some people are also pathological liars-they readily lie about anything and everything, all the time. It's like second nature to them. I wonder if your partner is one of these?

Mynameisspud

Smile111 wrote: »

Hi,

Sorry you are going through this. Years and years ago. My ex would tell me white lies. I found out one . It was v important to me. He swore he had not said anything. My gut told me different. He kept denying it.
Eventually he just came out that he lied
We were fighting. I stupidly stayed with him. I remember asking for advice here and doing the opposite:/.
After a year or 2 other things happened but ultimately it was the lies I couldn't get passed.
I wish I had walked that day. I tried. But he guilt tripped me into staying. Someone told me it was emotional blackmail. It was...

The day I finally walked was the day I got my freedom. Yes it was difficult at the beginning but it was the right one. The only regret is I didn't do it sooner.

That relationship has definitely tainted other relationships.

My advice is leave. The trust is gone.
Go and be happy. Find someone who makes you happy. Find someone who deserves you. Who treats you with respect.
Do it for you and don't be thinking what will other people think. It's your happiness.

Sorry if this wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear but I know you worrying and can't sleep with this.
Life is too short to be unhappy.
Hope that helps somewhat.:)

Hi Smile111
I appreciate your sympathy and I am sorry to read you experienced something similar.
I’m happy to read that you made the correct decision though. I do worry about the impact on potential future relationships.
But you are right! Life is too short!
I am grateful for the advice. Thank you.

Zxcc wrote: »

It all sounds absolutely exhausting.
You're flogging a dead horse; they're not going to change. This will be your life. This is how your relationship will be. Things will not change.
Decision now= put up & shut up, or leave.
You decide the life you want.

Hi Zxcc
Thank you for replying. I appreciate it.
Yeah it is put up & shut or leave time.
The problem is that I know that if we tackle this issue we can reconnect and move forward but maybe things won’t change but unfortunately I believe every day brings an opportunity.
Maybe I should start seeing this as an opportunity for me too…

redfox123 wrote: »

What do you mean you’re faced with the accumulated unhappiness? Do they bring up things you have done to them that they haven’t let go? How do you mean you have been a cause of their actions/lies?
I don’t know what has happened in the past but there’s seems to be a lot of resentment there from your partner.
Relationship counselling could help but usually the partner who doesn’t really want to fix things, ie your partner, will say no.
I would probably say it’s time to end it because the lies are something that shouldn’t be just part of ‘who they are’. Everyone should work on themselves and seek to improve and be better every day, especially for the health of a relationship.

Hi redfox123
Yes that’s exactly what I mean by saying accumulated unhappiness. They have not been able to let go of the past and use it every time there is a disagreement. I have been a cause because I have broken their trust in the past and it’s obvious to me now that they haven’t really gotten over it. And here is the issue I have. They can’t reveal their true thoughts and feelings to me and that’s the foundation of a relationship I suppose.
It probably is time to end it. Thank you for your advice.

leggo wrote: »

OP based off your explanation, it seems like your relationship has gotten to that awful toxic stage where you’re together by nothing more than habit but there’s only anger, bitterness, resentment and uncertainty left. I feel for you, and also I’m sure your partner would be able to write a post of their own with their side.

For example, I know some people who’ve been in relationships where they’d get drama no matter what they say, so they just start telling their partner the version of the truth that placates them and keeps them happy. I get the feeling based on what you’ve said his response is that this is close to his motivation. Also, there’s just some people who lie without even thinking about it. They just don’t see value in the truth and like to either just keep people happy or manipulate them. Often they’re lying to themselves as much as anyone else too, so confronting them is pointless because they don’t know any other way. You may as well be talking to the wall because they just have zero concept of why this matters. So I fear this is just a character trait you need to accept and deal with rather than getting into an ultimately futile battle to ‘change’ him that will drive you insane and, I’ll tell you now with certainty, won’t work.

At this stage you’ve got to evaluate what the benefit is to the two of you continuing. Is it out of love, being best friends, enjoying each other’s company and being excited for the future together? Or is it out of habit, fear of the unknown, financial reasons etc? The former is the backbone of a relationship with a future, the latter are concerns that millions of people realised were for naught when they ended relationships that weren’t working.

Hi leggo
For me it doesn’t feel toxic most of the time. It becomes unbearable when it gets like this though and they could write their own post but I feel like the difference is that I’ve been accountable for my actions and have made considerable efforts to improve myself and the relationship.
Unfortunately I think they are lying to themselves as much as me. But I can see in their eyes when they are lying to me that they know it’s not right! It hurts them to lie to me but still do it. They just can’t be vulnerable to reveal themselves and here is the issue. Unable to acknowledge anything I’m upset with and never ever apologising. Fundamentally that’s what’s wrong from my pov.
I know I can’t change anyone and I can’t just accept it either. It’s pretty obvious where that leaves me.
Thanks for your advice it is appreciated.

Calypso Realm wrote: »

OP while it's not clear exactly what type of situations your partner lies in, I'm not at all surprised to read the above. I'd even go one step further to say it's impossible to emotionally bond/connect with someone like this since you're never going to see the 'real' person at their core, behind the facade.. In fact, I genuinely don't understand how you've managed to stick around for so long!

I had an ex-colleague/friend who told umpteen lies (about her family background, qualifications, work performance etc) borne out of an inferiority complex, poor self-esteem etc and while I fully understand why she lies, nonetheless, she's not someone I liked spending too much time with. It's all so disingenuous. So I just cut her loose!

Also while people lie for all sorts of reasons (small white lies now and again to save someone's feelings are understandable for instance) some people are also pathological liars-they readily lie about anything and everything, all the time. It's like second nature to them. I wonder if your partner is one of these?

Hi Calypso Realm.
They lie about important things and non-important, somethings that have absolutely no impact on our relationship (except that I am at the point where I can’t take anymore) and somethings that massively impact our relationship. I have done a bit of reading on white lies and relationships (there is a surprising amount of literature) and understand the difference between positive and negative white lies.
But it makes no difference to what is happening here.
Yeah I would say that it’s impossible to connect in that case and I feel like it is a barrier in our relationship. If my behaviour/ actions/ responses are based on lies how I can be a nourishing partner? This is probably why I hear “do you even know me?” a bit. I feel like I know the person presented to me but there is obviously conflict between the person inside and the one being presented.
Even though they do lie about everything and anything I don’t think it’s pathological in the strict definition. It’s more of a panicky, I don’t want to be in this situation thing so I’m going to say whatever I need to get out of it asap.
Thanks for your reply I appreciate it.

Dial Hard

Did they always lie habitually or did it start in response to the previous issues in your relationship?

PARlance

I found it incredibly hard to make sense of your OP. White lies come in many forms.
I'm going to the shop for milk (and having a few pints on the way) vs I'm ok with you cheating on me (and definitely not being ok).

If he's "just" a compulsive liar about everything then that is something that he needs to sort out. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone like that.

You've been very vague and that leads me to guess that these white lies may be in relation or tied to your/both of your(?) previous infidelities.

Without know much detail, it doesn't look good in either case.

ILoveYourVibes

My friend dated a guy from college that developed this habit of compulsive lying.

When i say compulsive ..it happened like 100 times a day.

Some of the lies he was telling were distressing to people.

He actually COULDNT stop ..he had to get therapy.

It wasn't something he always did though. It seemed to evolve out of stress.

He went on meds. And it gradually ceased. But when he gets anxious it starts again. Some of the lies he would say would be obviously untrue. Like things that would be statistically unlikely to happen. Or just impossible. He didn't seem to mind being called out.

The lies didn't serve a purpose. I mean they didn't help him or anything. Or make him look good.

If he had a nightmare during the night ..he would need to lie a lot in the morning. He couldn't explain it other than that.

He would even lie about lying. He would say 'i have told lots of lies today' ..when he hadn't.

Kylta

Mynameisspud wrote: »

Long-time lurker in need of advice.

My partner seems to think it is okay to consistently lie to me. It has become normal to the point where I don’t think I can trust them anymore.
Currently we are really hanging on by a thread. The last two years has been rocky for us both and we have both done things that have hurt one another. Some of that has been difficult to move past for both of us. But we agreed to try.

It seems to me that your relationship is on a downward spiral. If you both went out of your way to hurt each other why?
That way of going on only breeds contempt on relationships and keeps the negative things from the past alive, its basic retaliatory ammunition.
In regards to the white lies or fibs some people spoof alot it doesn't mean anything as long as its not malicious. In regards to honesty in a relationship if its not there, then the relationship is not working.