Another "is my marriage over?" post

LegacyUser

Going anon for this.
With my husband 20 years, married for 10 years, 2 kids.
We are great friends, share a similar parenting style, similar values etc.
The intimate side of our relationship has been non-existent for about 3 years. I haven't found him attractive in the past few years. His looks haven't changed, but he has been less and less loving, tactile, thoughtful with me the past few years and that makes me not want intimacy. But the main reason is that I developed a health issue whereby sex ends up with me needing to take an antibiotic every single time.
Last year on a lads trip with his friends, when he got home I saw a whatsapp message on his phone that said "Hi big _____". The whatsapp profile pic was of a couple of girls. I confronted him, he said it was a lad they met. I said then why is the profile pic of only girls, he said he didn't know and then gaslighted me by saying I've always been jealous and never trusted him etc. I eventually let it slide. He hadn't replied to the whatsapp message but in my view had maybe met some girls when out and they exchanged numbers. I didn't think at the time to try calling the number to see who answered, but I did recently and the number was out of service.
Fast forward to Valentine's Day this year. He messaged me saying he was leaving work shortly. Then I didn't hear from him for 6 hours. I was messaging and messaging, ringing and ringing. I was actually really worried about him. He eventually picked up at about 12am, said his phone was in his bag, that he'd gone to the pub by himself, and was on his way home now. I was livid. Not even so much about it being Valentine's, that was maybe 20% of it, I was genuinely worried about him, and I call bull**** on his story of phone being put away, he had clearly put it away on purpose, knowing I'd be trying to contact him. The next say he said sorry, that he gets weird and anxious on these occasions. I was still really angry and I replied that I wanted him to leave. We haven't spoken since. And he hasn't left.
We're not big into gifts etc, and on Xmas he had gotten me a small gift which is absolutely fine, it's what I wanted. But I was upset by the manner in which he "gave it" to me. He didn't wrap it, he didn't even hand it to me. He left it on a pile of clothes on my bedroom floor. Sure why bother, eh? I'm just a piece of sh1t, that deserves no respect.
Admittedly we have gotten worse over the years at communicating when it comes to relationship issues. I don't know what to do. I'm a stay at home parent and would have absolutely no means to get my own place. His salary wouldn't be enough to cover the costs of running 2 households either.

Rootsblower

Fedup2020 wrote: »

Going anon for this.
With my husband 20 years, married for 10 years, 2 kids.
We are great friends, share a similar parenting style, similar values etc.
The intimate side of our relationship has been non-existent for about 3 years. I haven't found him attractive in the past few years. His looks haven't changed, but he has been less and less loving, tactile, thoughtful with me the past few years and that makes me not want intimacy. But the main reason is that I developed a health issue whereby sex ends up with me needing to take an antibiotic every single time.
Last year on a lads trip with his friends, when he got home I saw a whatsapp message on his phone that said "Hi big _____". The whatsapp profile pic was of a couple of girls. I confronted him, he said it was a lad they met. I said then why is the profile pic of only girls, he said he didn't know and then gaslighted me by saying I've always been jealous and never trusted him etc. I eventually let it slide. He hadn't replied to the whatsapp message but in my view had maybe met some girls when out and they exchanged numbers. I didn't think at the time to try calling the number to see who answered, but I did recently and the number was out of service.
Fast forward to Valentine's Day this year. He messaged me saying he was leaving work shortly. Then I didn't hear from him for 6 hours. I was messaging and messaging, ringing and ringing. I was actually really worried about him. He eventually picked up at about 12am, said his phone was in his bag, that he'd gone to the pub by himself, and was on his way home now. I was livid. Not even so much about it being Valentine's, that was maybe 20% of it, I was genuinely worried about him, and I call bull**** on his story of phone being put away, he had clearly put it away on purpose, knowing I'd be trying to contact him. The next say he said sorry, that he gets weird and anxious on these occasions. I was still really angry and I replied that I wanted him to leave. We haven't spoken since. And he hasn't left.
We're not big into gifts etc, and on Xmas he had gotten me a small gift which is absolutely fine, it's what I wanted. But I was upset by the manner in which he "gave it" to me. He didn't wrap it, he didn't even hand it to me. He left it on a pile of clothes on my bedroom floor. Sure why bother, eh? I'm just a piece of sh1t, that deserves no respect.
Admittedly we have gotten worse over the years at communicating when it comes to relationship issues. I don't know what to do. I'm a stay at home parent and would have absolutely no means to get my own place. His salary wouldn't be enough to cover the costs of running 2 households either.

You say your husband is less loving tactile etc but you don’t mention if you are too. Marriage is a two way street and you both have to make the effort for it to work. Perhaps your giving off a “ I don’t really care anymore “ vibe and so he’s doing the same.

If he’s cheating that’s certainly not cool and I’d dump him for that betrayal of trust alone. If he’s not then I think ending a marriage over your stated issues is a bit drastic as a first step.

I’d see if he’ll go to couples therapy to try and save your marriage if I were you.

Also tbh I wouldn’t leave the house if I was him too. It’s his house as much as yours.

Xterminator

Hi OP

there is a high degree of anger in your post. i agree that not handing you a wrapped present was not as noce, as him making the effort to wrap, it and taking the time to see you unwrap it. But the jump from that to

I'm just a piece of sh1t, that deserves no respect.

makes me worry about your state of mind.

I would agree that cheating on your husband/wife is a betrayal of trust and a good reason tp be upset. i would also add that if i were in a dead bedroom situation i would find that incredibly frustrating.

I will tell you, he doesn't have to leave! If he posted here for advice we would tell him not to leave the home. I don't think raging at him is good for you, him or the children. any big decisions should not be shouted or decided by one party only. I think a good calm discussion of what happens next is called for. For the sake of the children, and family finances whatever happens needs to be handled with maturity. I recommend you see a marriage counsellor if he agrees, because even if its over, you need to move on in a way that minimises the fallout.

cannotlogin

I think there's probably a lot of other issues missing from your post as based on what you've said alone you appear to be blowing the Christmas present issue out of proportion.

I don't wish to be unsupportive but you also haven't been sleeping with your husband for 3 years so you cannot be surprised if he's seeking female attention elsewhere. He is probably crying out for attention, imitacy, appreciation etc.

Whether he's cheating or not is a different matter, it's hard to tell but maybe he didn't want to come home and be rejected again.

There's a problem with a lack of intimacy in your marriage and neither of you can address it alone. You both have to start talking about the problem rather than both avoiding it. Having to take an antibiotic every time you have sex is very unusual but if it's something like thrush , you need to speak to your gp again to work on alternative solutions etc.

Do you and your husband both want to save your marriage? Are you both willing to put in the effort to address the issues?

Jenneke87

I'm sorry to hear that sex is an issue for you. I'm all too familiar with it myself, and the physical, mental and financial toll it can take on you (6 weeks into the new year and so far I've had to shell out 200 euro's just for medication and examination) can be enormous. I don't know what your problems are regarding sex but if you need to take an antibiotic every time I have a feeling that you get an infection every time it happens. That would put anyone off sex really..

If you know for certain he's cheating that would spell the end of the relationship anyhow. If it comes to an end, make sure to handle it maturely for the sake of the children and your own. Take care and best of luck.

lalababa

Why do you need an antibiotic after sex?

cannotlogin

cannotlogin wrote: »

I don't wish to be unsupportive but you also haven't been sleeping with your husband for 3 years so you cannot be surprised if he's seeking female attention elsewhere. He is probably crying out for attention, imitacy, appreciation etc.

Whether he's cheating or not is a different matter, it's hard to tell but maybe he didn't want to come home and be rejected again.

There's a problem with a lack of intimacy in your marriage and neither of you can address it alone. You both have to start talking about the problem rather than both avoiding it. Having to take an antibiotic every time you have sex is very unusual but if it's something like thrush , you need to speak to your gp again to work on alternative solutions etc.

Do you and your husband both want to save your marriage? Are you both willing to put in the effort to address the issues?

These, a million times.

woodchuck

lalababa wrote: »

Why do you need an antibiotic after sex?

Mod note:

OP don't feel obligated to answer this. You have every right to keep your medical issues private.

Everyone is reminded to post only if you have advice to offer.

osarusan

How much of this would fade away if you got to the bottom of the medical condition that makes sex rare/non-existent?

Do you want to get back to a situation where you have an active and enjoyable sex life with your husband?

zoobizoo

Fedup2020 wrote: »

We are great friends, share a similar parenting style, similar values etc.

Focus on this...



Go to couples counselling and talk it through.

TheBoyConor

I feel that when a relationship has degraded to this point that attempting to fix it up is really just trying to force things to be artificially OK again.

I'd be just calling it quits tbh. Especially if there are suspicions of cheating. The fact that you think that means that it is obvious that the trust is gone and when its gone it is gone for good really. There can never be 100% trust again.

leggo

TheBoyConor wrote: »

The fact that you think that means that it is obvious that the trust is gone and when its gone it is gone for good really. There can never be 100% trust again.

This is a generalisation based off something that’s often said here, but isn’t applicable in every case. You can rebuild 100% trust with someone based off one good, really honest conversation like. It’s only if someone has a history of lying or betrayal that this tends to be the case. All OP really has is one innocuous message from years ago that doesn’t really prove anything.

OP sorry to hear of your troubles. Your issue is one we’ll often get from one or the other side here: you don’t want to have sex because of medical issues it gives you after the fact. That’s totally understandable. For me, the issue begins once you also expect your husband to never have sex again without any form of conversation about it or agreement. You accuse him of not being affectionate but there’s also very little compassion in your post for him too. At the end of the day, by in effect giving up sex and expecting him to remain faithful, you’re enforcing celibacy upon him and making him the bad guy if he doesn’t go along with the huge decision you’ve made for him that he likely never agreed to. Again, it’s totally your right to not have sex if you don’t wish to, but there has to be some acceptance there that you’ve made a decision that dramatically impacts both of your lives and that that may have consequences.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is all your fault, I just can’t speak to your partner here so can only advise you. You seem to want the go-ahead here to end your relationship. The good news is you don’t need it: you’re never obliged to be with someone you don’t want to. But if you want us to give the go-ahead for you to kick him out for being unfaithful, I’m afraid I can’t. The story you’ve given us is very one-sided, seems to almost want him to have done wrong so you have an excuse to do what’s next, and even at that the ‘evidence’ you have is extremely light and involves you taking no responsibility for anything yourself. So no, if you want the guilt-free option of kicking him out and keeping the house, there’s not nearly enough there to justify it. If you want to leave it’s going to have to be the hard way: build an independent life where you can sustain yourself. I’d also say it’d be very unfair to expect him to leave the family home seeing as the decisions that have led here seem to have been made by yourself/your own circumstances. You don’t want to have sex anymore, it’s massively decreased any intimacy you have as a result, now you’re in a loveless marriage and looking for signs he’s cheating as an excuse to end it.

ElizaBennett

I think the medical reason for not wanting sex is really a red herring. I've had this problem - getting infections every time - but I was highly motivated to keep up the intimacy so I just got my partner to wear condoms and the problem went away as there was no transfer of bacteria. Also, there are plenty of ways to have satisfaction other than plain old intercourse in the usual way - if you really want to. Anyway, the OP has said she doesn't find him attractive anyway as he's not loving or affectionate towards her and this is a massive vicious cycle obviously. Who would want to have sex with someone they felt didn't value them?

I agree with Leggo that this is going to be a very hard road if separation is what you want, with you not being financially independent, but you'll have to set practical things in place if you ultimately want a life without him. You did start by saying you're good friends. Is there really nothing to salvage or any point in counselling?

abouttocrackup

Fedup2020 wrote: »

Going anon for this.
With my husband 20 years, married for 10 years, 2 kids.
We are great friends, share a similar parenting style, similar values etc.
The intimate side of our relationship has been non-existent for about 3 years. I haven't found him attractive in the past few years. His looks haven't changed, but he has been less and less loving, tactile, thoughtful with me the past few years and that makes me not want intimacy. But the main reason is that I developed a health issue whereby sex ends up with me needing to take an antibiotic every single time.

Fed up, sorry to hear about your situation, the above part of your message struck a cord with me.
I am in a similar relationship but on the other side. My wife has had constant infections and antibiotics and this killed our sex life. I tried to keep intimacy going for years but the constant rejection is absolutely soul destroying. I no longer make any attempt because I’ll only end up getting rejected and I’ll feel like crap for days, how stupid am I to be attracted to my wife!
I have never been unfaithful but I have come very close several times. When someone shows interest in me it is very hard to say no.
My self confidence has been hugely impacted, it has probably impacted how I look after my appearance.
Not sure where I am going with this, but if you have no attraction to him then what type of relationship do want. I’m not blaming you for his behavior, but if there isn’t mutual attraction and affection then it is destined to fail.

TheBoyConor

At the end of the day of she wanted to change things she would.
Often in these situations people should be reading between the lines. If she was attracted to you and wanted intimacy she would make it happen.
She is not doing that. It's just all excuses and diversions.

Make of that what you will, and act accordingly.

Personally, if I was in a relationship that was gone stake like this, is be thinking "what am I even doing here" and I'd be bringing things to an end.

Getting a wife that's gone cold in the bedroom to warm up again is a dead horse that many a man has flogged to no avail despite advice telling him so. You d see that time better spent flogging your mickey to be honest.

You need to take stock and consider whether you'd be better off breaking up, because this clearly isn't working.

05eaftqbrs9jlh

Fedup2020 wrote: »

Going anon for this.
With my husband 20 years, married for 10 years, 2 kids.
We are great friends, share a similar parenting style, similar values etc.
The intimate side of our relationship has been non-existent for about 3 years. I haven't found him attractive in the past few years. His looks haven't changed, but he has been less and less loving, tactile, thoughtful with me the past few years and that makes me not want intimacy. But the main reason is that I developed a health issue whereby sex ends up with me needing to take an antibiotic every single time.
Last year on a lads trip with his friends, when he got home I saw a whatsapp message on his phone that said "Hi big _____". The whatsapp profile pic was of a couple of girls. I confronted him, he said it was a lad they met. I said then why is the profile pic of only girls, he said he didn't know and then gaslighted me by saying I've always been jealous and never trusted him etc. I eventually let it slide. He hadn't replied to the whatsapp message but in my view had maybe met some girls when out and they exchanged numbers. I didn't think at the time to try calling the number to see who answered, but I did recently and the number was out of service.
Fast forward to Valentine's Day this year. He messaged me saying he was leaving work shortly. Then I didn't hear from him for 6 hours. I was messaging and messaging, ringing and ringing. I was actually really worried about him. He eventually picked up at about 12am, said his phone was in his bag, that he'd gone to the pub by himself, and was on his way home now. I was livid. Not even so much about it being Valentine's, that was maybe 20% of it, I was genuinely worried about him, and I call bull**** on his story of phone being put away, he had clearly put it away on purpose, knowing I'd be trying to contact him. The next say he said sorry, that he gets weird and anxious on these occasions. I was still really angry and I replied that I wanted him to leave. We haven't spoken since. And he hasn't left.
We're not big into gifts etc, and on Xmas he had gotten me a small gift which is absolutely fine, it's what I wanted. But I was upset by the manner in which he "gave it" to me. He didn't wrap it, he didn't even hand it to me. He left it on a pile of clothes on my bedroom floor. Sure why bother, eh? I'm just a piece of sh1t, that deserves no respect.
Admittedly we have gotten worse over the years at communicating when it comes to relationship issues. I don't know what to do. I'm a stay at home parent and would have absolutely no means to get my own place. His salary wouldn't be enough to cover the costs of running 2 households either.

Hi, I would like to drop you a pm but you don't appear to be able to get them. x

Hannibal_Smith

Itzel Jolly Waterworks wrote: »

Hi, I would like to drop you a pm but you don't appear to be able to get them. x

The OP is posting anonymously so that’s why you can’t PM them. However, please note that requesting or sending of PMs is against the PI/RI charters.

Please take a look at the stickies at the top of the forum Itzel Jolly Waterworks

JustAThought

I would imagine that if it is cystisis someones technique or personal hygine is lacking ( or both of yours-not to appropriate ‘blame’. OP I gurss your veiled fear is that you think hr is having an affair? Out of interest have you gone to your doctor to ask them to do bloods for STD’s? Of you have one if might explain the endless cycle and could provoke a conversation with your husband. I agree, the mussing on valentines day for 6 hours sounds very iffy. I could imagine that if you have to take anti-b’s every time you have sex that you can’t have sex in the intervening 3 or 5 days - must be very frustrating. But does that mean you are inly have very occasional sex as I can’t imagine a good doctor endlessly perscribing anti-b’s week after week without addressing the root cause; or you are very rarely having sex - chicken and egg saga?