Basic info

LegacyUser

Hi, my wife wants to separate, I've been awake all night trying to understand the potential financial implications by googling things, unfortunately I'm just getting more and more confused. Obviously not looking for specific figures but just a generalnidea on what I'll end up paying for. A bit of background, married 18 yrs, three kids who are 19,15 and 13. Joint mortgage which has solely been paid by me since its inception. Heres where I'm confused, will i end up having to pay for the mortgage of a house that im being told to leave, plus child maintenance, plus spousal maintenance and also accommodation/living costs for myself? This can't be right? I mean i couldn't afford to pay the mortgage plus potential child and spousal maintenance alone, never mind any accommodation/living costs for me
Devastated tbh, just hope we can keep the kids as the primary focus, appreciate any info that could be provided.

FishOnABike

It must be a big shock to you. The person announcing they want to separate has usually been considering it for some time. The other person frequently doesn't see it coming.

Don't rush into anything. It you can't agree something that's fair to everyone involved it could take years before it would get to the stage if any court orders being made.

Don't feel that you have to leave the family home because that's what your wife wants. If she wants to leave she is free to go. Can you be the primary carer for your children if she decides to leave? Don't rule that possibility out.

The first advice any family lawyer should give you is: think again.​ ... If a marriage has broken down, there are four possible options: fix it or opt for nullity, separation or divorce.​

Separating couples must have been living separate lives for at least 1 year before an application for a judicial separation can be made. To divorce, a couple must have been living separate lives for at least 2 out of the previous 3 years before the application is made.

With the length of the waiting lists in the Circuit Courts it could be another year or more after an application for judicial separarion or divorce is made before any Court hearing or orders are made. Realistically that's two, three or more years if you can't agree something between yourselves before then.

Consider what you think would be best, get good advice and don't do anything that might prejudice what you think is best in the meantime.

It costs more to run two households than one. One thing is certain is that, separating will make everyone poorer and everyone needs to be realistic about that. That will leave less for everybody for day to day living and possibly affect future options e.g. third level education choices depending on circumstances.

If it comes to it, the court is supposed to put the children's welfare first. What this means in practice depends on the particular circumstances (and often the particular judge). But that's a long way away yet.

In the short term take care of yourself. Don't be reluctant to consider some counselling if you're finding the emotional fallout difficult to deal with at any time and don't make any big decisions when things are still very emotionally charged.

Best wishes.

C3PO

First and foremost, do not leave the house without having a formal arrangement in place. You are under no obligation to do so unless ordered to do so by a court which is extremely unlikely as long as there is no abuse/violence involved.
Secondly, take legal advice.

mitresize5

C3PO wrote: »

First and foremost, do not leave the house without having a formal arrangement in place. You are under no obligation to do so unless ordered to do so by a court which is extremely unlikely as long as there is no abuse/violence involved.
Secondly, take legal advice.

I cant stress enough the importance of that advice.


As a man in this is your only bargaining tool. Dont move out until everything is agreed regarding finances and access and then go to court to get it signed off.


If your wife wants to separate then she'll want you out asap but if you leave you will have nothing and will forever be on the back foot.


I hope things work out for you

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for the super explanation, i really appreciate the time it took for you to put together, ive basically been feeling like a leper at the moment and the info below has given me great hope. Thats exactly the kind of info i was after. And Yes, i could be the primary carer for the kids, due to their advanced ages and my work hours.Thanks again

FishOnABike wrote: »

It must be a big shock to you. The person announcing they want to separate has usually been considering it for some time. The other person frequently doesn't see it coming.

Don't rush into anything. It you can't agree something that's fair to everyone involved it could take years before it would get to the stage if any court orders being made.

Don't feel that you have to leave the family home because that's what your wife wants. If she wants to leave she is free to go. Can you be the primary carer for your children if she decides to leave? Don't rule that possibility out.

The first advice any family lawyer should give you is: think again.​ ... If a marriage has broken down, there are four possible options: fix it or opt for nullity, separation or divorce.​

Separating couples must have been living separate lives for at least 1 year before an application for a judicial separation can be made. To divorce, a couple must have been living separate lives for at least 2 out of the previous 3 years before the application is made.

With the length of the waiting lists in the Circuit Courts it could be another year or more after an application for judicial separarion or divorce is made before any Court hearing or orders are made. Realistically that's two, three or more years if you can't agree something between yourselves before then.

Consider what you think would be best, get good advice and don't do anything that might prejudice what you think is best in the meantime.

It costs more to run two households than one. One thing is certain is that, separating will make everyone poorer and everyone needs to be realistic about that. That will leave less for everybody for day to day living and possibly affect future options e.g. third level education choices depending on circumstances.

If it comes to it, the court is supposed to put the children's welfare first. What this means in practice depends on the particular circumstances (and often the particular judge). But that's a long way away yet.

In the short term take care of yourself. Don't be reluctant to consider some counselling if you're finding the emotional fallout difficult to deal with at any time and don't make any big decisions when things are still very emotionally charged.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

Thanks alot , very helpful

C3PO wrote: »

First and foremost, do not leave the house without having a formal arrangement in place. You are under no obligation to do so unless ordered to do so by a court which is extremely unlikely as long as there is no abuse/violence involved.
Secondly, take legal advice.

LegacyUser

Thanks alot, getting great advice on here today

mitresize5 wrote: »

I cant stress enough the importance of that advice.



As a man in this is your only bargaining tool. Dont move out until everything is agreed regarding finances and access and then go to court to get it signed off.


If your wife wants to separate then she'll want you out asap but if you leave you will have nothing and will forever be on the back foot.


I hope things work out for you