How to just give up on finding the one

LegacyUser

I’m 32 female and a lot of people would say I’ve a good bit going for me. I’ve a good job, enjoy exercise and keeping fit, sports and have bought my own house. I consider myself normal and have good friends, family etc. For as long as I’ve known I’ve wanted children and marriage and never thought it would be so hard to find.

My life is pretty good apart from my love life which is a joke being honest. My longest relationship was six months and in between have had lots of month/two month things that never go anywhere. There’s probably something wrong with me that I can’t seem to meet someone that wants to be with me but I’ve done the whole soul searching thing and all it does is bring my already low self confidence down to another level.
I have attended counselling for nearly a year now to try and deal with and work through everything, having had a difficult childhood with a verbally abusive mother who probably has undiagnosed mental health issues which has left me with poor self esteem and constantly questioning myself. My last relationship began really well and for the first time I wasn’t anxious about when the guy would text etc or what he thought of me and even though the second part of it was long distance, this didn’t bother me too much.

I took time out after this as my heart was literally broken and I genuinely had no interest in dating. Almost a year and a half later I decided I’d give dating a go and set up the usual online profiles. I could write a book on the people I’ve come across, from asking me on dates to stopping contact, then getting in touch randomly three months later or not at all. I joined a running club, both for my own mental health and to meet new people as I am the last of all of my friends single and decided I needed some new friends outside of this group. I went on holidays alone last summer as I had nobody to go with and while I enjoyed it more than I thought, I didn’t think I’d be facing the same situation this year. Last week I went on my first date in almost two years. We met on tinder and had been chatting away and got on well so I figured the date wouldn’t be too bad. I felt we got on really well, it lasted around three hours. We had loads to chat about and I thought he seemed really nice and easy to be around. He texted to see if I got home ok and we exchanged a few messages. I texted him three days later and he didn’t even read the message on WhatsApp so basically I was ghosted.

While I’m glad I pushed myself to go on the date, looking back I probably said a few stupid things albeit in a light-hearted way that probably turned him off. When he spoke about returning to his sports training next week and that he had lost some fitness I joked about the six pack being gone. He probably thinks all I want is some guy with a six pack and that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s never been on my “list” when I think of the sort of guy I’d like. Maybe the fact that I was so nervous beforehand and ended up feeling so comfortable around him made it easy to make such jokes and afterwards I thought a girl mightn’t be too happy if a guy made similar jokes so maybe it’s my own fault he didn’t bother texting back.

So I think after around 8 months of apps, putting myself out there and generally making an effort to meet someone it’s time to give up. I find it so dis-heartening that people don’t even have the basic manners to tell someone they don’t want to see them again and think ignoring them is the better option. I feel like people forget there is another person on the other end of the phone who has feelings and while it may only be a date, surely they deserve a bit of respect and someone being upfront. In saying all this, I probably need to continue to work on myself as while I feel I’ve come on so much in some ways since I began counselling, clearly I don’t deal well with disappointment.

I find it so difficult to say that I need to give up on something I’ve wanted for so long as in my future I’ve never imagined the fabulous job or the great holidays, I imagine myself in a happy home with a husband and children and now I feel I need to face the reality that this will never happen. I’ve made a concerted effort and I feel worse about myself now than I did before I did the online thing. I probably come across really badly here but other aspects of my life are no worse than the average person and I’d like to think there’s nothing awful about me that puts people off. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to give up on the odds of meeting someone, having kids etc and how to deal with having a life on my own. I see all my friends either engaged, married or approaching this stage and some with children and it genuinely breaks my heart to think I’m giving up on this but for my own mental health I’m not able to deal with constantly being let down and daring to get my hopes up and then nothing positive happens. Has anyone here ever done this and has it been difficult? How do you give up on something that you always assumed you’d have eventually and almost took it for granted that you would meet someone to share a life with?

zoobizoo

disheartened111 wrote: »

looking back I probably said a few stupid things albeit in a light-hearted way that probably turned him off.

….now I feel I need to face the reality that this will never happen.

Listen, if someone can't take a joke on a date or gets turned off by a throw away comment, then they're really not worth pursuing - so stop over thinking this.

I got married at 44. Wife was 38. Dated for a year beforehand. Have 1 child and another on the way.

Join more clubs. Meet real guys in a relaxed setting. You have plenty of time.

dmm82

Yes I agree, meeting someone in a more relaxed/ natural setting is usually the best way. Get yourself out there into different groups and activities. Meetup is great and there are so many different groups, there's something there for everyone.

Try not to stress, not everyone in a relationship is happy, a lot or people stay in bad relationships because they're terrified of being single. This is so much worse than actually being single in my opinion!

Out of my group of friends, five of the girls have only gotten into relationships in the past year or so, all with great guys who are mature and not messing them around. All of these girls are late 30s/ early 40s and met the guys randomly at gigs/ events/ through friends.

Rodin

Go for an older man.
They won't be part of the ghosting generation.

ManOfMystery

Online dating in the modern world seems notoriously fickle. All I hear about constantly is people being stood up and ghosted and so on. Plus, it offers a certain degree of anonymity and lack of commitment so even if you have 3hrs of amazing conversation, they feel nothing strange about suddenly cutting contact.

As above, try and put yourself in more situations (clubs, events, getting out and about) where things can develop more organically with a potential suitor. I find in that scenario people are generally less rude and won't just ghost you if they lose interest. You sound like a great person who's got her life together and I think you've just been very unlucky so far - that's just the way life goes sometimes, but all you can do from your side is mix it up a bit to give you more options than just online dating.

2 fast

I am in the exact same boat as you... keep joining clubs and join something for fun not just exercise and give the apps a miss! Theres no harm in taking breaks... I'm trying mediation and journaling my feelings, it helps ðŸ˜good luck

Segotias

You've asked "How to give up on the finding the one"

The real question should be do you want to give up on it. I'm 10 years old than you and while I haven't given up I'm not actively doing anything about it.

I spoke to a counsellor I went through regarding other issues after I'd been ill. She said from me she could tell I'd be perfectly fine on my own but it would be nice but not an neccessity to have someone. For me this is true.

I think you need to decide what you'd actually want, could you step back from apps etc and not be looking constantly. I'll be honest when I'm out I don't even notice men anymore...sad I know!!!

If on the other hand you do want to find the one, then take the advise about joining clubs etc...there seems to be a thing about hiking that I've clearly missed lol

Good luck!!!

Thelonious Monk

Well, maybe you should just give up? Lots of people never meet anyone, or cling on to horrible relationships so they don't have to deal with the stigma of being alone, when it's just making them miserable.
Focus on having a good life for yourself, it is entirely possible with no one else. If you meet someone then that's good, but are you willing to be unhappy for the rest of your life because you're not in a relationship? Choose happiness.

Kidchameleon

I think you need to chill a bit. Not trying to be bad here but your post is extremely over analytical and oozing self confidence issues. A guy wants a happy, confident girl who is fun to be around. It seems you have your sh1t together otherwise - fair play. There is quite a bit in your post that you shouldnt even be worrying about. Please chill, youll meet Mr. Right. Keep putting yourself out there whilst working on your confidence.

Idle Passerby

I doubt your six pack comment would have put off someone who was interested. In all likliehood he just met someone else he liked better or decided he wasn't ready for anything. A lot of people go into online dating when they are newly single and find its simply too soon.

I think a change in perception is needed. I found myself single and hoping for a genuine connection in my mid 30s. I know how hard it is constantly having to pick yourself up after rejections and disappointments. I decided to take the viewpoint that I knew I'd find love one day, maybe it wouldn't come along til I was 50 but it would eventually happen.

50 is obviously too late for children and ideally I wanted to meet someone sooner but I found that giving myself a longer goal rather than an immediate one made it easier for me to see potential love interests more objectively and not be willing to give every random guy that showed an interest a chance regardless of whether I was interested in them.

In short, telling myself love was worth waiting for improved my standards and made me far pickier. That might seem a bad thing but it's not. You need to see yourself as a catch, not as bait.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all who took the time to reply. Strangely enough he texted me early yesterday morning to say he’d been working until 11 most nights this week, and was apologetic for not getting back to me sooner. I’d a busy day myself yesterday so just got back to him later on in the day and had a short message that he was out. I think I remember him saying that his club had a presentation event this weekend so that’s probably what it was.

I think the fear that he ghosted me was making me a bit irrational over things as I think it’s just so rude to do that to somebody. If someone just texts and says they’re not into it, I have no problem with that and think fair play for being honest. I don’t expect a lot from things with him as contact hasn’t been great this week, albeit I am aware how busy he is with his work. I guess I’ll have to play it by ear. I think I’ll give it until the middle of next week and if plans aren’t made then to organise a second date I’ll cut my losses.

The fear of never meeting someone is still bothering me but at the same time I won’t settle for something just because. I’d expect someone to show some degree of interest, even in the early days so if the contact isn’t there or they aren’t suggesting a date, that tells me all I need to know.

Lotus Flower

Chin up, OP. You've so much going for you and will have a lot to offer the right person and you're still young. It's hard to keep a positive outlook when you've suffered disappointments but I'm pretty sure everyone has similar stories. It just means you'll be able to better appreciate the right person when they do come along.

All I can advise is to keep living your life, enjoy yourself and keep busy. Being single is a great opportunity to keep working on self improvement and projects, as well as setting up your new home (a huge advantage: flatsharing can be tricky when you meet someone).

Don't beat yourself up or over analyse what you said or did on previous dates, the right person wouldn't be deterred by innocent comments and you don't know what was going on in their head either. In most cases you'll find it was nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their circumstances. Just pick yourself up and keep going.

Dial Hard

I think you need to change your mindset. Don't think of it as "giving up on" anything but instead work on being ok with the fact that it may not ever happen.

I've been single a long time and amn't currently actively looking to meet someone. If it happens, fantastic but I'm also perfectly happy with the idea of being single for the rest of my life because I'm happy with who I am alone, if that makes sense.

Austria!

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Well, maybe you should just give up? Lots of people never meet anyone, or cling on to horrible relationships so they don't have to deal with the stigma of being alone, when it's just making them miserable.
Focus on having a good life for yourself, it is entirely possible with no one else. If you meet someone then that's good, but are you willing to be unhappy for the rest of your life because you're not in a relationship? Choose happiness.

Nah, just because you are still looking doesn't mean you have to cling on horrible relationships or not cant focus on having a good life in the meantime (or even in a relationship).


If you're 32, fit and female you'll almost certainly be fine in the end as long as you're not crazy or have unrealistic standards. Don't overanalyse one guy or one date that didn't work out, just keep going, ask friends to set you up, ask male friends to give your profile a look over.

Daisy78

Unfortunately meeting someone you are compatible with can involve a lot of luck. I agree with the poster above who suggested you change your attitude to your singleness, that you are more likely to meet someone than not but that could be in your forties, fifties or older. Obviously that timeline won’t work for you if you want kids but you may need to reconcile any disappointed feelings you have if you are to adopt a more positive attitude towards your current circumstances. Look I know it can be completely ****, looking on at others who seem to have nothing going for them but who seem to have no problem finding a relationship and there you are struggling to get a date. No rhyme or reason to it sometimes. There may be nothing wrong with you in the slightest but unfortunately that’s no guarantee that Mr Right will come along. One thing I would say is that you might have to give up on this idea of finding “the one”. That’s a lot of pressure to be putting on yourself or some poor chap who might come your way, he could be a great match for you but if you are waiting on a thunderbolt to strike you could pass him by without giving it a chance to develop into something deeper.

Emme

Rodin wrote: »

Go for an older man.
They won't be part of the ghosting generation.

Ghosting is nothing new. It was around in the 90s when I started dating but wasn't called "ghosting". Ghosting was actually easier in those days because there were no mobile phones or social media.

Terrontress

After a failed marriage, and a period of reflection, I went onto the dating apps in my late 30s. What I found is that when a relationship is not a goal, that’s when it tends to happen.

Go out and meet a few guys, but make sure that a nice evening with someone new is your objective. Not a happy ever after. It’s too much pressure.

I started off wanting to settle down with every girl I met and invariably they’d not be interested in a second date. When I relaxed a bit, it was then me being more critical and choosing not to meet some girls again, when they wanted.

Then I met a girl very regularly, lovely walks and dinners, some kissing every meeting, but her personal circumstances were difficult so we agreed not to proceed.

Then I met the girl I’m with now and we are planning for the future.

But, please, take the pressure off. You sound like a great catch, a guy would be lucky to have you. Meet someone for one night. Focus on the night, not the happy ever after.

skallywag

Emme wrote: »

Ghosting is nothing new. It was around in the 90s when I started dating but wasn't called "ghosting". Ghosting was actually easier in those days because there were no mobile phones or social media.

Very true. You worked out after waiting for about 20 minutes that they were not simply running late, and you never heard a thing again.

We called it 'getting a 50'.

Bigbagofcans

You went on your first date in almost 2 years and you're already thinking of giving up?

Have you tried meetups? They're a great place to meet people socialising with a few drinks.

LolaJJ

You've already got lots of fab advice here but wanted to reassure you also!!

I went through the dating hell you are describing and finally met Mr Right when I was 35! Heading for 39 now, we've just bought a house, engaged and trying for a baby! Don't give up x