Don't know what to do about my marriage

LegacyUser

I need help.I dont know what the right thing to do is or what is best for my children.

I am a 40 year old woman married with 3 kids under 10.I have been with my husband for 20 years and married for 13 years. My husband is 14 years older than me. I am an only child from a conservative farming family.
I meet my husband about a year after my father died.This had been a very difficult time for me.I took my fathers death very hard. I can't say that I fell madly in love with my husband when I first met him but I was very glad to have met a steady man who didn't mess me around. I knew it wasn't perfect but I hadn't high expectations.I suffer with low self esteem and felt that it was well for me to have someone decent after all I went through.Looking back I was happy at that time to have a kind of father figure.Really I was grateful to have anyone and wasn't going to rock the boat especially after all the sadness. Also I wouldn't be blessed with good looks etc.He was a farmer which was also suitable.We seemed like a good match.I always thought the issues between us would resolve themselves.We weren't a good match.I was as emotional as he was not and we could not meet one another in the middle.

The problem is that that we never fully connected at an emotional level.I never felt he loved me.I never felt emotionally secure with him.He finds it hard if not almost impossible to give or receive affection.It was almost as though he didn't want you to feel loved.This led to a lot of arguments right from the start.This emotional connection is what was most important to me.I thought if we both wanted the marriage to work and were prepared to work at it things would settle down. I poured myself emotionally into the marriage in the early years but got nothing in return.I am worn out now and can’t give anymore.

He has made me feel that my need to feel loved was childish and unreasonable.I believed him because I am an emotional person. My upbringing also reinforced his view.Only recently have I come to realise that what I wanted was normal and that in all likelihood he had more issues than I had.I believe now that I have been the victim of emotional abuse all these years largely through his withholding of affection.If I ask him however he will say he loves me but he will never do or say anything to let me feel it.If I force the issue however he will get totally enraged and basically tell me to shut up.There is never a good time to talk with him.I have tried many times but it always ends up the same.I cannot say that he has mistreated me very much otherwise outside of some verbal abuse and rare physical issues.He is the introverted type that could just flip though.Once after a miscarriage and I was ranting on at him he put his hands to my neck and was going to chock me.As I write this I realize how serious that was.Finances are another area where he freeloads off me.He contributes nothing towards the family.I do the providing.He does do the farm work.We are rarely intimate.

To complicate matters further my mother lives with us which was a huge mistake. She is too dominant a woman.My husbands mother did also until she died recently.Part the reason we married was my mother was pressuring me to get engaged or break up with him as we were together 6 yrs.I had been studying etc.I think she was afraid I’d get pregnant.We should have split then but as I said I thought we would work things out if we tried and I was prepared to.Instead he withheld his affection.I am not sure if on purpose or otherwise ..but he didn't give it anyway

My family totally oppose me leaving my husband.They are totally traditional and do not see emotional issues in a marriage as a problem.They feel the children would suffer.You made your bed, lie in it. They do not acknowledge any right to happiness. I really feel it’s a question of reputation.My parents marriage wasn't happy and my mother’s attitude is that if she could put up with it I should.She is not concerned with my happiness. She just does not want me to rock the boat.I think he has played this to his advantage.We also live in my family home and so he would have to leave.I know that my marriage is not normal. I am also worried about the impact that it will have on the kids.The arguments are kept to a minimum really because we avoid communication unless necessary.I know that they must still sense the atmosphere.My husband shows very little affection to the kids either.I just feel so unloved my him.He hardly talks to me.I do not feel I have him on my side even after 20 years.

I lived for years being so sad and just going through the motions.Then I fell in love with someone else and an affair started.I don't think the other person loves me.I know the other person does not want to be blamed for the breakdown of my marriage and of course that would be the case if we were to start a life together.We would all be known locally.This complicates matters.I won't really know where I stand with the other person unless I leave my husband but he does not pressure me to leave.I did not mean for this to happen and it is far from perfect but I have at least some small amount of affection in my life.Now I’m not sure my heart would be in marriage counselling even if we went.I think my husband is even more unlikely to put in the required effort.He never tried at the marriage.I know …a total mess.

At this stage I don't know what to do.Should I stick it out until the kids are older or should I restart my life with or without the other person?What would be best for the kids and me?It could be hard to get him to leave the house and as I said all hell will break out with my mother.I am financially and at this stage emotionally independent.I still hope I will know and find love and happiness at some stage in my life even if its not with the other person.Is it wrong of me to want that for myself?I don’t want it at anyone else’s expense.Any insight much appreciated.Thanks.

banoffe2

Hi Op
Well done for facing the reality and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Sounds like a lonely place to be, some people are simply incapable of giving or receiving affection, its like going into a hardware shop looking for loaf of bread.

You are aware that you were grieving the loss of your Dad and vulnerable when you met your husband, this man is not going to change. You also mentioned that he shows little or no affection towards the children. I thought the incident where he put his hands around your neck after a miscarriage a serious form of physical and emotional abuse.

The other man may not be your ideal partner, but for now it sounds like what you both have is helping you to cope just for now.

The loneliness of being with someone who is emotionally unavailable is soul destroying, as is not being valued, appreciated or respected.

Your family may not approve of your choices, and only you can decide what you want for you and your kids for the future, you are still a young woman and have lots going for you.

I would be very surprised if he was open to counseling and there is no talking or reasoning things out between ye.

He may be happy to plod along the way things are once his basic needs are being met.

Having your mother live in with you is not helping either.

Only you can decide what you want for yourself, remember you have choices, everyone deserves a decent quality of life, but this is not achievable in the relationship/environment you are in at present.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for replying to what I now realise was my far too long post!

Its as though when I started to pour it out I couldn't stop.Your words are very comforting and it's reassuring to hear someone say I deserve some quality of life.

I don't want my life to slip by like this because I was afraid to make the decision.I soon need to make that decision though.

Thank you again for your insight and for reading that very long post!.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I just want to say you do deserve to be happy. Everyone does. I completely understand the set of circumstances that led to your affair, but it does appear like the choice of person may have again been unwise, if as you say they never loved you, and they dont want to be together ultimately. It appears that starved of affection you fell for mr available, not mister right. I hope the affection they provided did provide you some comfort.

I am not sure there is an easy path from where you find yourself to fulfilment. My advice to you would be to not try to fix everything in one go. Small steps in the right direction would be sensible. If you have not already done so, end the affair. at this stage what you want & need are fundamentally different.

With mum living there with you, perhaps tomorrow is not the best time to move out. Keep any thoughts like that on the back burner while you find yourself.

You said you are financially okay? I would start doing a full time back to education course, that will get you out of the house, and open up a whole new social life/front, if i were in your shoes. New friends new life. if education path is not for you, would you be able to volunteer somewhere for a good few hours a week? How about a hobby you could busy yourself with?

the other thing i would say is to be kind to yourself. life is messy. Perhaps you have regrets, but you should not beat yourself up about them. My dad found love in his 60's. It is never too late. but i would suggest that you build a life that you get some satisfaction from one step at a time. Make new friends, open your social scene, and channel you energies positively!

Emme

OP you are in a very difficult situation. Rural life can be hard. Even if you don't plan on leaving your husband straight away take out a secret savings account of your own and try to put money in it every month, however small the amount. Do not touch it no matter what. It will help you keep faith that things will change for the better if not today or tomorrow then in a few years time.

The man you are seeing outside your marriage is probably happy with things the way they are. I would be more concerned with the way your husband treated you when you had the miscarriage. Did anybody else (your mother or his) witness his behaviour? Does he verbally/physically abuse you only when nobody else is there to see it? If so it might be better your mother is in the house even though it's not ideal.

If he contributes nothing towards the family and does the farm work only does have a job of his own and money of his own? Did he start doing the farm work before or after you got married? If you do split in the future you would want to get very good legal advice. Your mother will not want to see the farm sold which often happens when farming couples split.

Call Women's Aid or the Samaritans for advice to get your through and to plan ahead for a better time. In the meantime good luck getting through this. Remember you don't have to put up with abuse, verbal OR physical.

Finchie1276

Dear lovely poster.

I am so sorry that this has been your life. That you have had the sadness, loneliness and quiet despair you have had. It has been many years of hardship and of everyone around you conspiring to make you stay in something which you know you don't want to be in.

The absolutely massive thing that comes through your post and I want to emphasise it so you can see it is that you know what is going on, how it happened, why it happened and where you are at. Please take great pride in that, many people would have given up, stopped, ran away, got bitter but you didn't.

I think you know you are at a cross roads and you want to do the thing that your family absolutely do not want you to do. They bring in your kids - its bad for them, it'll damage them, keep it as it is..... all emotional blackmail.

You will find happiness, it will work out and life has a way of helping us out of things no matter how difficult they seem. You deserve happiness and peace of mind.
I would separate for you and for your kids. They will be upset but it will be better than living with the tense drama they live with now.

Can I suggest you look at:

The Journey - By Mary Oliver
The freedom programme (Online + free)
Going to a counsellor on your own to gain perspective.
Mumsnet.co.uk has lots of threads on separation and you might find it easy to read them.

If you don't want to see your history on a shared computer you can always use incognito mode to avoid history on your family laptop.

Again I am so hopeful that you can do this because you know it has to be done.

Best of luck with your new life, one step at a time and if you tumble, pick yourself up, always forward.

LegacyUser

Thank you Xterminator, Emme and Finchie1276

Your advice is much appreciated and very sound.Thank you also for your concern.

It is good advice to do something for myself and make new friends.I work outside the home almost full time.I also do everything with the kids and the house other than the school runs. So there isn't time for much else other than a walk in the evening when their in bed.He won't accommodate their activities never mind mine.I have a small number of good friends but I can't convide in case they talked to their husband's who know him.

I have learned to manage the situation so that there isn't much verbal abuse. We just don't communicate much.I just can't raise any issues with him or put him under any pressure. He just has to be left alone.Thats the only way it works. The risk of him being physical is small but if he did it would be serious. Thats just him.Its more a matter of him stone walling me.I think it is true that he would have been more physical if my mother wasn't there.The most violent incident happened when she was away.

I suppose I feel trapped on all sides. He has played my families stance to his advantage right from the start. He became like this very early in the marriage. I feel like I am living this way to suit others.

There are huge legal issues.He has his own farm but my home farm is bigger with some of it very valuable.He doesn't contribute anything financially but does do the farm labour for which he isn't paid.He would come after me on that at the very least and could even go for the farm but then I could go for his albeit less.I have provided for the family always. It all depends how bitter he would be about it.I wouldn't want anything from him.The reason we lived on my home place was I was paying for it.

The affair imperfect as it is helps me cope with all this.I am wise enough to know though that if I leave it doesn't mean there's a future for us.I can't leave hoping for that.That hurts alot as I do love him.I know Xterminator is right really. It's just if I let it go I will have nothing.I will be back to being totally sad.The unfortunate part about that is that the marriage had brake down long before the affair but it won't look like that from the outside.The other man and me would be blamed in the wrong in a way.That would be hard to take. My husband would be well liked by those that don't live with him and think they know him.

It's definitely true that I can't sort it all together.The stakes are so high and not just for me.Its just I will be blamed for causing all the trouble for not just sucking it up and not rocking the boat.He doesn't beat me, drink,gamble, go after women or control me financially etc.I was lucky on the finances I'd say he would if he could.People can understand these things.No one sees what it is to live with emotional abuse.You look like the trouble maker.That suits him fine too of course.

Thanks again everyone for your words of wisdom.Good food for thought.I need to find the courage and conviction to do what I need to do and stop living my life to suit others..my kids excepted.

Emme

TotallyConfused101 wrote: »

I work outside the home almost full time.I also do everything with the kids and the house other than the school runs.

You are doing more than your fair share which is what anyone here would have guessed. Is your mother able to help or does she need care? Did his mother need care when she was living in your house? If so who did the caring?

TotallyConfused101 wrote: »

I learned to manage the situation so that there isn't much verbal abuse.... I just can't raise any issues with him or put him under any pressure. He just has to be left alone... The risk of him being physical is small but if he did it would be serious.

I think it is true that he would have been more physical if my mother wasn't there.The most violent incident happened when she was away.

This is known as "walking on eggshells". Things are probably worse in terms of abuse than you think. You MUST speak to Women's Aid in confidence as soon as you get a chance. Be sure to erase call history from your phone and website history from your computer. Even if your husband isn't tech savvy you have to do it.

TotallyConfused101 wrote: »

There are huge legal issues. He has his own farm but my home farm is bigger with some of it very valuable.He doesn't contribute anything financially but does do the farm labour for which he isn't paid.He would come after me on that at the very least and could even go for the farm but then I could go for his albeit less.I have provided for the family always. It all depends how bitter he would be about it.I wouldn't want anything from him.The reason we lived on my home place was I was paying for it.

Outside the Pale John B Keane's Ireland is alive and flourishing. In some cases you only have to travel 40 km from the city and it's a totally different world. Technology has changed nothing. Divorce legislation has made farming communities more insular and suspicious because of the fear the farm will have to be sold. It has also made things easier for opportunists.

I come from a farming background and I have my own ideas of how your situation was from the start. Young only girl with a biggish farm loses her father. Older more worldly man with a smaller farm starts going out with her. She marries him because she is under family pressure and is too young to know any different. It's a story known all over Ireland. If I wanted to be less than complimentary I would call your husband an opportunist. Rural Ireland is full of them. Like vultures they look out for opportunities to prey on the vulnerable.

Before 1995 your fate would have been sealed so to speak but now you have a chance of escape albeit with a legal battle and possible losses. But you and your children would have a chance of freedom. Is he strict with them? It can't be a great environment for daughters if you have any and sons would inadvertently learn to carry on the cycle of abuse.

Not being horrible but your affair would not help you. If you are not getting constructive emotional advice and help from the other man why continue? Especially if he is happy with the way things are. You would be better to spend the time trying to improve the situation for yourself and the children.

You must get good confidential legal advice. A trustworthy non-local solicitor might be best.

TotallyConfused101 wrote: »

My husband would be well liked by those that don't live with him and think they know him.

He doesn't beat me, drink,gamble, go after women or control me financially etc. I was lucky on the finances I'd say he would if he could.People can understand these things.No one sees what it is to live with emotional abuse.You look like the trouble maker.That suits him fine too of course.

Does he really not control you financially? You said in another post that he only works your farm but contributes nothing financially. That you pay for the upkeep of the house and children.

He may not beat you but in an earlier paragraph above you say you are trying to manage things so he doesn't. Hold on, didn't he put his hands on your neck to throttle you when you were in a vulnerable state after miscarriage?

I grew up in an environment of emotional abuse. I know the sense of fear, the walking on eggshells. I know what it does to children. They may not say anything, they may be kept warm, well fed and clothed, but emotional abuse can still damage them.

The abusers are often pillars of the community and can apparently do no wrong. Only recently a tragedy occurred with such a figure - it rocked the country and it took until long after the event for the truth to be uncovered. Another more sordid case was also in the news and it showed the desperation and land hunger that persists in rural Ireland to this day. Rural Ireland is still patriarchal, insular and resistant to change. If you don't "know your place" so to speak you are the bad one. You need courage to speak out and get out.

There is help out there but you will have to look for it. The Women's Aid website will give you useful advice. Better still talk to them.

AulWan

You really should have started your post with the fact that you have started an affair with another man.

That means its game over.

You may feel he never loved you or doesn't show you affection but you married him under false pretences also, and everything else led on from that.

Start the process for divorce from your husband and get it over with.

Millionaire only not

Well done on the affair part it’s only answer for these selfish marriages, they don’t want or show affection find someone that does !
They can’t have it both ways !