How can I end my marriage?

LegacyUser

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have two beautiful children together, both have good jobs and have no health concerns, on paper we seem like "the perfect couple" however I think Ive come to the conclusion over the last few months I no longer love her and would go so far as saying I probably dislike her in certain ways.

We have always had a stormy enough relationship but have managed to get through the rough times up til now. We are opposites personality wise, I'm generally a very laid back individual (too much so in some respects if I'm being honest) and she has always been quite highly strung. She is a perfectionist, bordering on OCD and while that has helped her to progress in her career, it also means that she has expectations of me and our relationship that are not being met.

She had and has a difficult relationship with her parents, her mother is not at all maternal and is more or less married to the church, her dad is a now dry alcoholic and they would have constantly been at loggerheads, he was very verbally abusive over the years, particularly when he was drinking. As such, she has a certain level of neediness and a need for validation, be it from me, her boss or others. I'm the complete opposite and am generally happy trucking along and have been content enough until recent times.

Over the years she has been verbally abusive to me on more occasions than I can remember, sometimes with good reason to be fair but other times because I wouldn't go out to the kitchen to get her something so she would call me an f'n a$$hole or similar. On a number of occasions she has compared me to the husbands of her friends or sister, saying why couldn't I be more like them in terms of their career ambitions, their diy abilities etc.

I'll hold my hands up, I can be lazy, i can procrastinate so i can understand how frustrating that must be for someone that's wired the way she is but I've always felt that I've accepted her and her faults but loved her anyway where as she was / is incapable of accepting mine.

I am by nature a little withdrawn and am more comfortable having someone lead a conversation which also is an issue for her. From the outset of our relationship she was the driver in terms of doing things like weekends away, outings etc and I was happy to let her take the reins and I do think that because i was so affable and attentive for the first few years and I'm not much less so she resents me for it.

We used to have a decent sex life. She suffered with vaginismus when we met and there were times when we wouldn't have had penetrative sex for months but I never made a thing of it because she took care of me in other ways but nowadays our sex life is virtually non existent. Since the second child came along over 18 months ago I have not orgasmed in any way other than by hand, mostly myself. Obviously after kids her body has changed and for me it is nigh on impossible to orgasm while wearing a condom. She has said she will not go back on the pill or have a coil fitted and that it's up to me to have a vasectomy. So as a result of this I just dont bother instigating sex most of the time and she seems quite content with that.

Over the last few years she has also gotten into more hardline feminist literature. I've no problem with her reading whatever the hell she wants however it seems to me that unless I agree with her opinions on any subject she has a passion for then im being deliberately argumentative and if a conversation is not going how she likes she shuts it down.

All in all it seems to me that we have drifted apart over the last couple of years, mainly since the kids came along. We seem to disagree on everything. If she asks my opinion on something that I dont particularly have any leaning on I could say I'd leave it up to her, that annoys her and if she presses me for an answer and my answer is not the same as hers then she accuses me of deliberately going against her for the sake of it.

We have had a number of marriage counselling sessions and tbh if anything, they are giving me more clarity that we aren't right for each other and that every day my contempt is growing.

There was an incident a few weeks ago where we were arguing about something in the kitchen. I cant recall ever having shouted at her when arguing and in general I keep my emotions in check and dont even raise my voice. I cant recall what it was over but know it was something completely trivial. Anyway, we were arguing and all of a sudden our 30 month old shouted from the sitting room go away mammy, go away daddy. Honestly, that stopped me in my tracks and I havnt been able to stop thinking about it. Despite me going out of my way to not argue in front of them and shield them from the crap he has still been picking up on it. It nearly broke my fcuking heart and I think it was that day and the immediate days after that have brought me to this realisation.

I dont know what to do. We live in a small house that my wife owns and we live in dublin. I get the kids out for creche every morning, dress and feed them etc as she has to leave for work before 7 so I have to be near hand but with the lack of available accommodation to rent it could be impossible to get somewhere in close enough proximity to the house. There is also the fact that the thought of not being with them every day kills me inside but I know that continuing on the way we are going is probably worse for them in the long run. My wife knows or suspects that I'm feeling this way and despite everything I've said above, the thoughts of hurting her makes me really really sad. We have had some great times together and she has given me two wonderful children but I cant go on like this. I just feel lost, I have nobody to confide in, I was going to talk to my dad about it but he would most likely tell me to not end things for the sake of the kids but he and my mam havnt been truly happy for as long as I can remember.

I just feel so utterly lost.

Caryatnid

Talk to your dad. x

Dog day

Hi OP, I’m really sorry to read your post, you sound very unhappy. The very question you pose as the title of your thread would suggest you’ve already made up your mind.

You say you have nobody to confide in? If at all possible there must be someone you can talk to? If your Dad is that person please tell him. I’d normally advise to talk to a trusted friend if possible as sometimes a family member can be too emotionally invested to give impartial advice but in this case perhaps give your Dad a chance to be the listening ear you need.

It’s a positive that you’ve tried couples counselling & interesting that this had led you to be firmer in your belief that you want to end your marriage.

You refer to having had some great times with your wife & clearly care very much for your two children. It may be a good idea to get some counselling on your own to help you really determine the best way forward for both yourself & your family. Perhaps then you can try to talk openly & calmly to your wife about how you’re feeling in the hopes that she can be open as to her feelings too. You may be surprised at her response.

At the moment it would seem that neither of you are happy & with children involved it’s of course vital that any decisions you make are measured and considerate of the impact on them. Once again, take some time to talk it through with someone you really trust & then start to take it from there. Given the details you’ve provided it may still be possible that you may be able to work through this, if it becomes apparent that you just can’t, you will have some serious decisions to make.

Wishing yourself & your family well.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Am I alone in thinking that some of the stuff mentioned here by op is pretty standard for marriages at some point?

Cracks can show especially after children come along but it doesn't always mean the end of the marriage.

You need to think about what has honestly triggered you into feeling like the only way now is to separate (because that's not an easy road either).

Who's idea was the marriage counselling?

Why won't you entertain having a vasectomy if it means having an enjoyable sex life and your wife doesn't have to put her body through even more havoc with hormones and procedures etc?

It sounds like she might be feeling the strain or be under stress. Talk to your dad or a trusted friend and get some perspective on this.

Do you make any time to be alone together such as going out together or away for a few days? Do you have any time for yourselves?

I sincerely hope you didn't tell your wife that you can't be satisfied because of changes to her body while giving birth to your children, that's not exactly something she has control over and could be very upsetting to hear.

I would be interested to hear the other side of this too from your wife's perspective.

It sounds like you are running away to be honest and if that's the case then it's not going to make you feel any better.

AulWan

Being verbally abusive, name calling you, shaming you for not being like her friends' husbands... none of this is acceptable behaviour towards a spouse, male of female.

I second the suggestion you seek some counselling on your own.

lawred2

Ann84 wrote: »

Hi OP, am I reading this correctly...

For your entire relationship, your wife organizes your life as a couple, she bought the house ye live in, plans your social life and even leads conversations...

Ye decided to have two children, her body has changed and as a consequence she can’t make you cum... you’ve somehow articulated this to her (based on her not going onto contraception) which I can only assume has made acutely aware that she can’t sexually satisfy you anymore and you wonder why she isn’t jumping your bones and doing what you want? Why don’t you just a vasectomy... why are you expecting her to mess with her body!!
The sheer entitlement is incredible!

She has gotten angry and is moving into more feminist views... and you really don’t know why - seriously? Sounds like she is getting taken for a serious ride...

If I was your wife, I would feel very resentful, resentful of having to as it sounds run an entire house almost singlehandidly, at least from what you describe... the resentful of the fact that having kids has impacted how her husband now views her and somehow you feel like you are a victim here?

Sorry OP, maybe I have read this completely wrong but it sounds to me like your wife might have an easier life as a single parent and may end up feeling better about herself too...

Christ

Dog day

Ann84 wrote: »

Hi OP, am I reading this correctly....

This is undoubtedly one of the most shockingly one sided responses I’ve ever had the misfortune to read on boards. The OP hasn’t come here looking for sympathy & has been open with details regarding how he’s feeling & indeed balanced in terms of things he could do better himself. He doesn’t deserve to be attacked. Please show some compassion for somebody who is simply seeking advice.

Osborne

Ann84 wrote: »

Hi OP, am I reading this correctly...

From your synopsis, I'd suggest not.

Hi, OP. Completely agree with those suggesting solo counselling. Good luck.

Ann84

Dog day wrote: »

This is undoubtedly one of the most shockingly one sided responses I’ve ever had the misfortune to read on boards. The OP hasn’t come here looking for sympathy & has been open with details regarding how he’s feeling & indeed balanced in terms of things he could do better himself. He doesn’t deserve to be attacked. Please show some compassion for somebody who is simply seeking advice.

Sorry if it came across one sided as that wasn’t my intention and definitely didn’t intend to attack the OP.
I did ask am I reading it correctly because to me it reads really badly for both parties and I feel compassion for the mans wife rather than the OP and apologies for that as I obviously read it wrong.
I just wonder how her post would read and genuine apologies if I got the wrong end of the stick OP.
To me it seems women are under huge pressure these days to do it all and the post just reads like you don’t appreciate her and were happy for her to take a lead in your relationship to a point, you are very critical of her family relationships, post-baby body and general attitude while not really addressing your own shortcomings which came across as one sided to me. The comments around her body read very badly to me.
Again, I obviously have picked up the wrong tings here but that’s what I took from it so apologies for offending as it was not my intention.

I have deleted my last post as I don’t want to attack the OP or derail his thread.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Ann84 wrote: »

Sorry if it came across one sided as that wasn’t my intention and definitely didn’t intend to attack the OP.
I did ask am I reading it correctly because to me it reads really badly for both parties and I feel compassion for the mans wife rather than the OP and apologies for that as I obviously read it wrong.

I don't think there was anything wrong with your post at all.

The fact that this thread is titled 'How do I end my marriage' is very telling really that the OP has already checked out of the relationship (for whatever reason that may be).

OP is already imagining life without being around his kids, looking into accommodation and won't discuss it with his dad in case he's talked out of it.

I get a feeling there's a lot more going in here than the OP has said.

His wife's behaviour does show some resentment towards him. Based on the arguments etc it seems like maybe she thinks that he's not doing his fair share, plus the possibility that she's being made to feel sexually inadequate on top of that.

There's always two sides to the tale, OP seems to want advice on how to leave his marriage not how to save it.

AulWan

Meadow Ugly Skydiver wrote: »

I don't think there was anything wrong with your post at all.

The fact that this thread is titled 'How do I end my marriage' is very telling really that the OP has already checked out of the relationship (for whatever reason that may be).

OP is already imagining life without being around his kids, looking into accommodation and won't discuss it with his dad in case he's talked out of it.

I get a feeling there's a lot more going in here than the OP has said.

His wife's behaviour does show some resentment towards him. Based on the arguments etc it seems like maybe she thinks that he's not doing his fair share, plus the possibility that she's being made to feel sexually inadequate on top of that.

There's always two sides to the tale, OP seems to want advice on how to leave his marriage not how to save it.

Christ.

strandroad

OP I might try and offer a slightly different angle. You both sound temperamentally unsuited, in that your wife is very proactive which is great in terms of her career and the house she secured for you all but then it turns to controlling in trying to "bring you up to her level" which is not going to happen because you on the other hand are passive by nature: easygoing, quiet and easily satisfied, but also (in your own words) lazy, procrastinating and lacking initiative.

Such relationships can last for a good while because opposites attract and they match well when one leads and the other follows, but when the leader tires of leading it's doomed. For a proactive-controlling person to be paired with a passive-lazy person is like to live with a human sized sponge at your side: it will never hurt you but it offers no support whatsoever. Effectively in all planning (and a lot of the execution) you are on your own, and it's a massive burden especially when the children arrive. The passive person in turn feels put upon and bullied, especially if they worked fine as a couple and the critique escalated when the family grew. She should never resort to name calling but it looks like she has no avenues left and might have thoughts similar to yours too. It's not your or hers fault in particular, it's just that you both need support delivered in the form the other is incapable of: you need her to relax but in order to do so she needs you to step up and it's a vicious circle because it's not how you both work.

I would agree that it's hard to see a way to stay in your marriage because your natures are so fundamentally unsuited, and you tried couples counselling too. You are getting some good advice on solo counselling above, I would follow this path so that you can be confident in your own feelings at least and then take your next steps accordingly.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the responses.

To provide additional clarity and information. My wife owned the house well before we met, its certainly not a case that she bought it for us. Since the day i moved in I have paid "rent" and every household bill has been split 50/50. The current status is that monthly we are putting the exact same amount into our joint account for day to day bills, the exact same into our savings account and she covers approx 65% of the mortgage. The reason i do not pay the same for the mortgage is simply because I earn over €30k gross per annum less than her so when all other bills contributions are made I only have a couple of hundred quid left over to cover my own expenses such as commuting costs. Proportionally based on income I have paid as much as her / more for the normal living expenses people have. She also cannot cook so since day one i have done all meal preparation and i do the shopping every week. I look after the dirtier jobs around the house like washing windows, sweeping up outside bins etc. Her own choice has been to have a cleaner come in twice a month who does hoovering, washes floors, dusts, changes bed clothes etc and the only household chore she has 100% responsibility over is ironing.

The reason I mentioned her getting entrenched in feminism is because since that has happened, she has become less and less fun. We used to have alot of laughs about things but now we rarely laugh about anything. My default demeanor has always been a bit of a piss taker and with her it was no different. Nowadays she seems to get offended about things that in times past she had no issue with and she regularly makes comments to me about the shytty things men do and have done, the patriarchy and blaming men in general for alot of things in the world. If i dont agree with her implicitly then she accuses me of being deliberately argumentative.

In terms of our sex life, I can say with utter certainty that i have never made demands, gave her ultimatums or made negative comments about her physically. Like i said in my OP, there were spells when we went months without penetrative sex and from me she received nothing but understanding and support. Looking back on it there was probably an element of her "doing her duty" rather than her actually wanting to be intimate with me. She has never been a particularly sexual / horny person but I just accepted it as I understand that some people do not need / want intimacy as much as others.

@strandroad, you have pretty much summed our entire relationship up perfectly. She is by nature a much more stressed person, say with the kids, she regularly gets annoyed with them or cant handle them where as most of the time I can. Dont get me wrong, there have been occasions where Ive shouted at them when they have been particularly antsy but by and large, I cope with stress much more than she does. I have began to see that she can be a very selfish and inconsiderate person. She nearly resents when people ask her for assistance eg her mam asking her to help her with sorting out an online bill or something. She also complains about nearly everything and is a very unhappy person alot of the time. She has admitted this herself in some of the counselling sessions, she gets jealous of other people that may have wealthy parents, or when I changed jobs last year and my new manager turned out to be extremely flexible, it felt like she resented it because her own manager is not at all like that.

The solo counselling is something I am going to do. I've attended it on and off over the years and have had my own issues to contend with so even if she and i are not ment to be, i need to do it for myself and try to figure out what is best for all.

Bob Harris

Dog day wrote: »

This is undoubtedly one of the most shockingly one sided responses I’ve ever had the misfortune to read on boards. The OP hasn’t come here looking for sympathy & has been open with details regarding how he’s feeling & indeed balanced in terms of things he could do better himself. He doesn’t deserve to be attacked. Please show some compassion for somebody who is simply seeking advice.

I think that was his wife posting.

Emme

OP if you and your wife have exhausted all avenues to save your marriage where are you going to live if you split up? She owns the house (OK as a spouse you're entitled to 50%) and have you considered what will happen to their roof over your heads if you split. How will it affect the children?

You don't seem to be very well suited but from what you say she has pulled more than her weight in the relationship (provided the house, proactive with where you will go etc.). Would she have pushed for marriage and children while you would have been more relaxed about the pace of the relationship?

Could you let her have a few evenings off a week to go to the gym if that's what she wants. It might help her confidence. Two children will change a woman's body and most partners accept that as part of what comes with children.

If you have checked out of the marriage mentally and see no future your wife has a hard road ahead of her - she will lose 50% of the house she bought before you got together and will have to manage the children on top of what seems to be a pressurised job.

A marriage is a partnership - both parties are supposed to help and support each other. It seems to me that this has not been happening in your marriage from the start. If children make it more difficult for your wife to do what she was doing before then you should have stepped up to the plate.

I'm not excusing her nagging or verbal abuse but perhaps her friends husbands do have a different approach. Every couple is different and has to work out how to run a life together if they are to go the distance. If one partner is not willing to put in the work then it's best to let the other go, there comes a time in life when the hardest working people are unable to carry passengers.

LegacyUser

You are making alot of assumptions Emme. First and foremost, if we do end up separating, the house will stay exactly as it is. I have no inclination to try and stake a claim for one cent of it. If it comes down to it I will have to try and rent somewhere near hand then longer term look to buy somewhere myself. She has more outings and significantly more time away from the kids than I do. So far this year she has gone away from a Friday to a Sunday on a meditation weekend and last weekend I took the kids down to my parents place for the night so she could go for lunch in town and attend the rugby match. She goes to a book club every couple of weeks, goes to meditation classes every couple of weeks and I have never grumbled about any of these things once. I fully accept and appreciate she works hard and needs time away from the kids and I have always obliged however she has always been a ball of stress. The most mundane tasks cause her anguish and personally I do not think its fair that she expects me to fundamentally change the type of person I have always been while she stays exactly the same / gets worse. As you say, a marriage is a partnership but I dont feel we have ever been equals. She has resented that I do not earn as much as her despite knowing what I do for a living is a longer process for getting higher salaries and that it takes bloody time.

From the day we met I have never been as driven as she is and she knew that, thats not to say that I dont have ambitions, in our time together I have gotten three promotions and my salary has increased by the guts of €40k and I work damn hard but I'm also someone that likes down time and likes to relax. The kids wake up at 6 every day and 6 of the 7 days in the week I am the one that gets them fed and dressed. On a Sunday for example, i like to make a nice dinner and have a relaxed and easy day but she constantly wants more. We do alot of things with the kids but it feels like nothing is ever enough for her. If I was wired the same way as her we would have separated years ago because there is no way in hell someone as highly strung as her would be able to coexist with someone the exact same.

All I have ever expected from her is acceptance, love me for who I am because that is how I loved her. She did and does things that bug the crap out of me but you know what, you just get over it and pass no remarks, the distinct difference between her and i is that no matter what I have done that annoyed her, she has called me out on it, every single time, she does not make allowances for anyone and in the main can only see as far as the end of her own nose.

Im not looking for sympathy here or for people to "take my side", I'm just trying to explain how I feel. I dont want my marriage to end but I also feel I have compromised myself more than enough, that the sacrifices and allowances I have made are completely ignored and at this point in my life, I cant do it anymore and I also dont believe I should have to.

AulWan

Anonfornow2020 wrote: »

I get the kids out for creche every morning, dress and feed them etc as she has to leave for work before 7 so I have to be near hand but with the lack of available accommodation to rent it could be impossible to get somewhere in close enough proximity to the house. (

In terms of balance, he is the one who gets the kids up, fed and dressed and out to creche in the mornings before heading off to work himself ... so why should he then also take over all the childcare again when he comes home so she can head off to the gym? That does not sound like a fair division of labour or parenting duties.

This does not sound to me like a case of a lazy husband not doing his part with the kids. He says he never raises his voice to her, while she shouts at, abuses and debases him.

Nor did he say the reason why he couldn't orgasm was anything to do with her or the changes to her body - he said it was to do with condoms.

(Its also ironic that some posters says he shouldn't ask or expect her to mess with her body, yet at the same time tell him he should have his permanently surgically altered!)

She has a history of turbulent relationships if her history with her parents is accurate.

Seems she IS being given a free pass for a lot of her behaviour, while the OP is being attacked for not being a total doormat that allows her to wipe her feet on him.

Ann84

Good on you getting your head in order and to be fair, she could probably do with doing the same counselling on her own!

Based on your last post, you really have hammered home what a terrible person your wife is, it appears she has very few redeeming characteristics and you would be happier without her in your life.
You are extremely critical of her, some of it is really circumstantial (like no one picks their family to be fair!) but at the end of the day - the key here is you don’t LIKE her and therefore seem to have little compassion or understanding for where she is coming from or as others have mentioned want/ ability to support her. You don’t seem to understand what is wrong with her and she sounds incredibly unhappy too... I’m not saying that’s your fault by the way.

Maybe actually trying to work out next steps towards separation or trial separation would be useful, if may in inadvertently lead to some constructive conversations... but an open, honest discussion is inevitable. Love isn’t always enough and if you don’t LIKE your wife it’s probably a very bad sign...

Chat through with your Counseller all these feelings before talking to your wife though, you could say something you may not be able to take back...

Emme

I missed the OP's last post. It puts the situation in a completely different light.

AulWan wrote: »

She has a history of turbulent relationships if her history with her parents is accurate.

I got the impression that her childhood home was turbulent and insecure. This would leave its mark on her and it might help her to seek counselling for herself about this.

They need to get counselling together as well as separately and decide what to do going forward for the sake of their children. If they do decide to split the OP will have to be prepared for a tough legal battle. It's a sad situation all round.

AulWan

Emme wrote: »

The OP seems to be very laid back and not in tune with his partner's more driven personality. This was fine at the start when she had the house and made all the plans for them but now they have two children the difference between their personalities has become more pronounced because she can't baby the OP any more.

Being a laid back personality is not a crime, and it does not mean she has to "baby" him.

All things considered she sounds like a very difficult personality to live with, if everything (including someone else's opinion!) does not suit her or is not exactly to her liking. She is an adult now and coming from a not ideal childhood is not an excuse for how she treats her spouse.

OP, when (not if) you do reach your limit, I would advise you to contact Anyman.ie (formerly Amen) for advice on forming an exit strategy from what has basically become an emotionally abusive (towards you) relationship.

Unless she does her part and acknowledges and changes her behaviour towards you, I can't see things getting any better for you.

Dog day

Hi again OP, it’s good to hear you’re going to get some counselling on your own. It’s not for any of us here to pass judgement on you, your wife or your relationship. No difficulties between two people are ever one sided & only the people in the relationship can truly know the facts & complex feelings involved. You’ll often see great advice on boards & for the most part people here are really well intentioned & kind.

You mentioned in a previous post that you used to laugh alot together, exploring what attracted you to eachother initially & what in turn has triggered the changes in how you communicate could perhaps set you both on a path to deciding what’s best for you all, keeping in mind the best interests of your children too.

Before you start thinking about the logistics of possibly ending your marriage I really think solo counselling is the way to go. Better still if you can continue with couples counselling too. I’d respectfully suggest you tell your wife you’ll be returning for some counselling alone. This in itself may prompt her to really look inward too & it’s best to be open with her.

Also, have you spoken to your Dad yet? It can sometimes be a huge relief to take that initial step & tell someone who knows & cares about you how you’ve been feeling, whatever the problem. If you’re concerned about his perspective on things you could respectfully tell him that you don’t want advice but just a listening ear.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You really really sound like you're done. There's a creeping degree of resentment and dislike that I'm not sure a relationship can recover from.

Your wife and you are very different people obviously. Maybe part of what drew ye together, but whatever connection you had doesn't seem to have survived parenthood and is now driving you apart. Some of the changes in her behaviour also read like someone who's deeply unhappy and frustrated and expressing that through anger (and that's not an excuse for verbal abuse).

Get counselling, organise your thoughts, figure out how to approach her about this.

I don't know how to advise you on the practical side of things regard accommodation and stuff other than to say try and not let that side of things draw the process out too long. Your kids are young and the sooner new arrangements get set up the better for them. It sounds like despite your problems with each other you'd both be able to put them first?

ldy4mxonucwsq6

anonfornow2020 wrote: »

You are making alot of assumptions Emme. First and foremost, if we do end up separating, the house will stay exactly as it is. I have no inclination to try and stake a claim for one cent of it. If it comes down to it I will have to try and rent somewhere near hand then longer term look to buy somewhere myself

Just wondering why or how you think the household will stay the same and why you seem willing to accept this?

Given your own financial situation and as you've said you do all the cooking (she can't cook), shopping, odd jobs and most of the childcare and the fact that your job is more flexible would it not make more sense for you to stay in the home while the kids are young anyway?

You said she's gets stressed and can't handle the kids.

Have you thought about approaching this with her or have you discussed arrangements at all?

The reality is you'll be financially supporting yourself in a separate home along with supporting your family in their home and paying maintenance etc.

Just curious as to your reasons why you don't consider you staying as an option?

You might find mediation helpful and sooner the better to sort out the practicalities.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

@Ann84

Im not sure if you are being facetious or what but I will categorically state she is not a terrible person. She can be a not nice person but she can be very loving aswell. She is also a really good mam in many respects. To add more information. Its not just her parents she clashes with. She regularly clashes with her sisters. One of them over the last few years met someone and got married. He is a really good man and is exceptionally driven. He earns probably close to half a million a year given his job and was able to buy a house for himself and his wife, my wife seems a bit jealous of this. She is the kind of person that calls out everyone on anything including my siblings and parents. For example, I have a brother living overseas. My mam was saying to someone last year that she was planning on going to visit him. My wife was in ear shot and said "no you're not" and was nearly making a skit of her. I knew my mam would most likely not go and visit my brother but why call her out on it and embarrass her publicly? She has done this to me, her own family and my siblings in the past too. Its a horrible trait.

@dog day

I have not spoken to him yet and truth be told, I am trying to pluck up the courage to do so. The reason why? Im scared of disappointing him and stressing him out. Im a 40 year old man and Im afraid to talk to my own father about this, how pathetic is that.

@ electro-bitch

I do feel resentment to her. There are times when I am not around her that I think things can work but then when I get home an air descends. I feel anxious by times and afraid of causing a row by saying the wrong thing. She has shown alot of volatility over the years and has a hair trigger temper. Im generally someone that avoids confrontation and would be more "political" in my thinking which is probably a large part of why we are at this point. For years I let her away with things like the way she has spoken to me but in the last 6 months I have made a stand and pulled her up on it. She has twice raised her hands to me, both times she was drunk, once she punched me in the chest then last year at some point she slapped my phone out of my hand. I feel like I have become the type of man that I used to mock, that is afraid of his wife and I absolutely hate myself for it as I know alot of it is my own making. Im not saying Im a saint, far from it, I can be stubborn and i can be closed off. I can shut down when we have an argument and I can be passive aggressive. It just feels to me like too much has gone on and there is too much water under the bridge and I cannot forget everything that has happened.

@ fringegirl

We live in a 2 bedroom house so living together and co-parenting is not a viable option. Tbh I have thought about that option or perhaps buying a house together with the agreement that if we did split that I would remain in the house but I dont see how that could work. In general I feel I have conducted myself well when it comes to arguments or disagreements in front of the kids, there have been a number of instances where she has been going off on one at me in front of them and I've just shut it down until they were in bed but I genuinely dont believe she would be able to be an adult about that kind of arrangement. There have been more times that I care to remember where I have disagreed with her about something, she throws a strop and I eventually relent for a quiet life. I also would not go the legal route of trying to get her out of the house, something like that goes against every fibre of my being. If things reach a tipping point what I would hope for would be that I could find a room to rent near the house, go there every morning and do the routine, do meal prep at weekends and then try to buy somewhere myself within a year or two. I would ultimately then go for full or at a minimum joint custody. Although I do not earn as much as her, I still earn well above the national private sector average wage so think I would be able to pay maintenance, pay rent and save a sufficient amount each month to get a smallish mortgage. We have a good chunk of money in our joint savings that would go a long way to a deposit. It would mean a bit of belt tightening but I have no problems with frugality, I lead far from an extravagant life anyway.

Ann84

OP I wasn’t being facetious, the way you criticize your wife you do make her sound like the absolute worst and it’s obvious YOU think that, a lot of what you describe, being jealous, snide etc just sounds like someone who is deeply unhappy but rather than acknowledge how she may be feeling, you seem completely critical of her and self-pitying for yourself (which is 100% your prerogative but it isn’t goin to help your marriage)

As others have said and based on your thread title, it sounds like you just want out and want people here to say yes, leave you marriage you are right to and a number including myself have said this because you don’t seem to like your wife and/ or want to save your relationship which is fine.

One observation I would make is the way you describe yourself and your behavior in the relationship is to me, as bad if not worse than your wife’s negative traits - avoiding conflict, being passive aggressive and a passenger in your relationship and not articulating your feelings is the absolute worst and a complete cop out!! You say things she is doing are getting worse - no doubt, ye are not talking about it!!!

So, it’s pretty obvious your wife is not herself, nor has she been for a while - you are becoming increasingly unhappy with how she is acting out her unhappiness and rather than face into it and have a deep heart to heart with her - you are quietly simmering and plotting your exit - I don’t see that as being any better than her screaming her head off frankly and that just seems like what you are waiting for... her to do something so bad you can walk out and tell everyone it was her fault!

I really don’t understand what you want from advice here - it’s clear you don’t want to or don’t have the tools to actually fix your relationship and it’s sad, it does sound like ye fell in love for a reason and marriage is for the good and the bad but turning on your wife when she sounds like she is struggling is not redeeming to me.

On the upside, practically - separating sounds very feasible considering your circumstances but yes, your approach will dictate how smoothly that plays out.

AulWan

Ann84 wrote: »

OP I wasn’t being facetious, the way you criticize your wife you do make her sound like the absolute worst and it’s obvious YOU think that, a lot of what you describe, being jealous, snide etc just sounds like someone who is deeply unhappy but rather than acknowledge how she may be feeling, you seem completely critical of her and self-pitying for yourself (which is 100% your prerogative but it isn’t goin to help your marriage)

As others have said and based on your thread title, it sounds like you just want out and want people here to say yes, leave you marriage you are right to and a number including myself have said this because you don’t seem to like your wife and/ or want to save your relationship which is fine.

One observation I would make is the way you describe yourself and your behavior in the relationship is to me, as bad if not worse than your wife’s negative traits - avoiding conflict, being passive aggressive and a passenger in your relationship and not articulating your feelings is the absolute worst and a complete cop out!! You say things she is doing are getting worse - no doubt, ye are not talking about it!!!

So, it’s pretty obvious your wife is not herself, nor has she been for a while - you are becoming increasingly unhappy with how she is acting out her unhappiness and rather than face into it and have a deep heart to heart with her - you are quietly simmering and plotting your exit - I don’t see that as being any better than her screaming her head off frankly and that just seems like what you are waiting for... her to do something so bad you can walk out and tell everyone it was her fault!

I really don’t understand what you want from advice here - it’s clear you don’t want to or don’t have the tools to actually fix your relationship and it’s sad, it does sound like ye fell in love for a reason and marriage is for the good and the bad but turning on your wife when she sounds like she is struggling is not redeeming to me.

On the upside, practically - separating sounds very feasible considering your circumstances but yes, your approach will dictate how smoothly that plays out.

So what's her excuse for her ****ty behaviour towards her mother in law? Falling out with her sisters?

“she's not herself?"

Would you stop making excuses for her ****ty treatment of all around her, please. Her issues obviously go back further than the last year or so and trying to find ways to turn them around and make her husband responsible for her actions is just unfair.

Dog day

Hi again OP, your latest post gives even more telling details & though I’m always mindful that there are two sides to every story my heart goes out to you.

I appreciate your point in relation to telling your Dad but it’s very clear you need to start talking about this to someone who knows you & cares about you. Though feelings are neither right nor wrong it’s in no way pathetic to open up, rather it’s a sign of bravery. The fact you feel you can approach your Dad intimates that you have a good relationship with him. I completely understand that you don’t wish to stress him but he’s your Father, he cares for you. Please open up to him.

I know I keep saying this but please return for solo counselling. I believe this is key.

The detail you’ve given regarding your wifes’ physical outbursts are shocking & absolutely out of order. Please never accept this again. It’s inexcusable. I’m not going to analyse your wife’s difficulties with others, I believe a qualified counsellor is best placed to offer insights on this & indeed many of the other aspects you’ve mentioned regarding how both of you communicate.

At this stage I’d urge you to please stop thinking about all of the detailed logistics involved in ending your marriage. At this point I really believe you need the impartial support of a good counsellor to really start you on the path to the next best steps. Hopefully this will provide you with some more clarity & strength to make this life altering decision which will obviously affect your whole family.

Within all of this I would say that you do sound like you’ve totally had enough & my hope is that if you do end your marriage that you can do so amicably & in a way that gives both yourself & your wife & of course your children the opportunity for happiness. We all deserve happiness in this life.

You’re only 40 with lots of things to look forward to. I hope everything works out for the best.

Dog day

Op...to add to my last post please contact:
anyman.ie

Hopefully they can help you in relation to your wifes’ violent behaviour. Equally it’s horrendous that the kids have witnessed her shouting etc & you mention trying to protect them from this & relenting for ‘a quiet life’. It’s an awful situation. For what it’s worth I believe you’ve endured far too much for too long. You can only now take care of yourself & your children at this point. Your wife needs to take responsibility for herself & her actions. Please make that call.