Crunch time, opinion appreciated

LegacyUser

Hi guys, going unreg for this. Am with the gf a few years, mid thirties, she wants an engagement and marriage and its absolutely piss or get off the pot stage now. The thing is, we get on well, I really care for her etc, but on my end, there is no sexual attraction there anymore. We would still have sex once or twice a week, usually her initiating it. sometimes I do it just to avoid a row. Would it be madness to proceed on this basis, my head says yes and I am assuming that will be the overwhelming response, but would just like your thoughts for reassurance, either way!

fineso.mom

Yes, madness. You and she have your whole lives ahead of you. Don't waste any more time with someone you are not attracted to. You both deserve better.

Caranica

Sexual compatibility is way more important for the future of a relationship than most people are willing to give it credit for. If there's no way to fix it now, marriage is the last thing you should be thinking of. Be true to yourself

Oranage2

If physical attraction is something big for you then you probably should end it as there's no point you living a lie and being unhappy.

Were you physically attracted to her when you met? Did something change?

MissShihTzu

If this is the way you're feeling, then you're not being fair to either your partner NOR yourself. I presume your partner is in her 30's too?

Rip the Band Aid off and tell her now. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be. Give the lady time to find someone else and to start a family if that is what she wants.

Good luck to you!

pimpmyhat

I was in a similar situation as yourself.
It's hard but you have to finish the relationship.
You will only start resenting her and you will become depressed.
Best of luck to you.
It won't be easy but it's the right decision

zapper55

Absolute madness to marry her. You would be signing up to unhappiness for life. It might hurt in the short term but you wont end up like many people who post on here about sexless marriages.

Do it sooner rather than later.

Jenbach110

I could of wrote this OP. Same age and everything. Crunch time. Shes such a great girl I dont want to hurt her. However I am on no way wahtsoever attracted to her, and its not low sex drive on my behalf, Im attracted to lots of women from 18-60!
The sex has always been incredibly dull, lights of bedroom type, no variety whatsoever, and I think life is to short to not have experienced the tearing clothes off type of passion phase!
I do love her but I know she cant make me happy. All the comments from relatives about when are you getting married etc is getting frustrating, and adding more pressure to the situation.
I've not being able to help you here OP but I've got something off my chest

nthclare

Had a similar story myself and now 14 years later im still single and realised I'm quite happy and content.

I love a fling now and again, but with experience its much easier to spot the red flags....

Run run run

cannotlogin

I would hate to think anyone was with me only because they found it too difficult to leave me.

You aren't attracted to her. Attraction is the key difference between a relationship and friendship.

Given her age also, it's incredibly cruel to drag it out any longer while knowing your heart isn't in it.

You are also at high risk of "accidential" pregnancy too.

Rubberchikken

Be honest with her. It'll hurt like hell, I've no doubt, and she may or may not ever speak to you again but it's not fair on her or you to drag this on any longer.
Good luck

LegacyUser

thanks so much to every one of you, for all your responses! Its just the reassurance, wanting to hear how silly it is, even considering going further, given the circumstances.

"If physical attraction is something big for you then you probably should end it as there's no point you living a lie and being unhappy.

Were you physically attracted to her when you met? Did something change?"

I would have been more physically attracted when we met for sure. She could have made more effort in certain areas I feel.

"I could of wrote this OP. Same age and everything. Crunch time. Shes such a great girl I dont want to hurt her. However I am on no way wahtsoever attracted to her, and its not low sex drive on my behalf, Im attracted to lots of women from 18-60!
The sex has always been incredibly dull, lights of bedroom type, no variety whatsoever, and I think life is to short to not have experienced the tearing clothes off type of passion phase!
I do love her but I know she cant make me happy. All the comments from relatives about when are you getting married etc is getting frustrating, and adding more pressure to the situation.
I've not being able to help you here OP but I've got something off my chest"

yeah this scenario must be pretty common. Partially its to do with the sex, similar to what you mentioned. I have been in relationships where the sex was just far less vanilla. Its far from all about the sex, far from it, but its just one of the bigger areas. And yeah on all the engagement questions etc !urghhhhh! so many people just go ahead with it, despite not listening to their gut or head, as they probably feel in a way, its the easier to do, I physically cant do it though... Best of luck to you with this. It just has to be done, I hope you get the strength to end it, if you are sure thats what you want..

"If this is the way you're feeling, then you're not being fair to either your partner NOR yourself. I presume your partner is in her 30's too?

Rip the Band Aid off and tell her now. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be. Give the lady time to find someone else and to start a family if that is what she wants.

Good luck to you!"

yeah also thirties! you are right about rippping it off etc, this is the exact advice I would be giving, if i saw this thread LOL!

thanks again so much to all of you its a great place to come for advice!

whiskeyman

Just be sure of a few things.
Did something change? So you know when you stopped being attracted to her?
Is your libido impacted?
How are you feeling? So you have any anxiety or depression? Is the marriage point freaking you out?
Are you both putting effort into the relationship?


No point ending it and finding out this happens again.

redfox123

Yea very quick to say end things in this thread. Unfortunately single in your 30s can be very depressing, as depressing as being in a relationship where there’s no attraction. A lot of short term things where it’s one sided, or one night stands, something lasting very hard to find.
You say you were attracted to her. Well what work have you put in to keep the attraction? Not just her, it takes uncomfortable conversations and difficult communication in relationships, after the passion fades you either work at it or just throw it away. Every relationship starts the same you’re both attracted, then the mundane drudge of everyday life with that person kicks in and the passion fades. You forget, you get bored, you want novelty. Everyone does.
What can your partner do to be more attractive to you. There are ways of having this conversation. I prefer my partner to look a certain way, i know what I find sexy and I bloody well say it. He doesn’t care, why would I not say it? I’m the one sleeping with him. He prefers me with long hair, not too skinny, etc etc. we still love each other, but you’ve got to make the effort.

Dog day

redfox123 wrote: »

Yea very quick to say end things in this thread. Unfortunately single in your 30s can be very depressing, as depressing as being in a relationship where there’s no attraction.

I felt compelled to respond to totally disagree with this sentiment. A much unhappier state of affairs is to rely on anybody else to fulfil you. It’s arguments like this that make people too afraid to leave really unhappy relationships. Some of the happiest people I know are single. It’s my belief that there’s nothing lonelier than being with the wrong partner.

OP, nobody wants to hurt someone they still care about however it will cause far greater damage in the end to stay with someone whom you’re no longer attracted to, that’s unfair to both of you.

Sometimes we fall out of love, attraction totally disappears, it’s terribly sad but it’s reality. Staying with someone you’re no longer remotely sexually attracted to will only lead to greater pain for you both in the end. Once attraction is gone it’s extremely difficult to rebuild unless there’s a very specific reason for the change ie. a massive change in your partners appearance or demeanour. Best of luck.

osarusan

Break up as soon as possible, give you both a chance to find somebody who you'll be happier with.

TheBoyConor

You'd be crazy to stay with her at all, let along get married, which would be quite insane. You are dooing both you and herself a disservice by staying with her.

Just rip the band aid off. Tell her you just dont feel the same anymore and you think it is better for you both if ye end it and move on.

Even though it seems calamitous and feels horrible just know that it is a complelely normal thing to break up. People break up every day of the week. It is not that big of a deal. once you have it done you will look back in a years time and hopefully be glad you did it.

I broke up with exs and at the time it was jut wrenching and awful but after a time I'd look back on it and make fun of it all.

Yea very quick to say end things in this thread. Unfortunately single in your 30s can be very depressing, as depressing as being in a relationship where there’s no attraction.

Erra, come off of it. If you are a woman wanting to start a family then perhaps, but as a man being single in your 30s is your absolute 100% prime decade for dating. I saw this as a guy who spend my 20s stuck in relationships and I was single turning 30 and I'm 33 now. I have never looked back and I am happier now than ever before and have more friends than ever. I have no intentions of getting into a relationship for the foreseeable future.

Dump her, it is not working. Go out there and make a new life for yourself and live your best life. Fúck the haters and anyone who wants to restrict and rope you down.

zapper55

As a woman leaving my thirties I didnt find dating depressing at all. And fear would be a terrible reason not to break up with someone.

redfox123

Dog day wrote: »

I felt compelled to respond to totally disagree with this sentiment. A much unhappier state of affairs is to rely on anybody else to fulfil you. It’s arguments like this that make people too afraid to leave really unhappy relationships. Some of the happiest people I know are single. It’s my belief that there’s nothing lonelier than being with the wrong partner.

OP, nobody wants to hurt someone they still care about however it will cause far greater damage in the end to stay with someone whom you’re no longer attracted to, that’s unfair to both of you.

Sometimes we fall out of love, attraction totally disappears, it’s terribly sad but it’s reality. Staying with someone you’re no longer remotely sexually attracted to will only lead to greater pain for you both in the end. Once attraction is gone it’s extremely difficult to rebuild unless there’s a very specific reason for the change ie. a massive change in your partners appearance or demeanour. Best of luck.

Not saying look to anyone to fulfill you at all but what about making yourself happy while in a relationship instead of relying on them to make you happy. Couples therapy can sometimes reveal under lying issues. Most don’t want to work that hard which is fair enough.
Of course you shouldnt be afraid to be single but just making sure he doesn’t think grass is greener. He has to work on his own happiness. And make sure he’s tried everything before throwing it away. If they have and he stills feels the same then of course leave.

Sexual attraction leaves because of complex reasons I won’t go into here, but it’s not always as simple as not liking the look of someone anymore or being bored by them. It happens often because of an emotional void that the other person will not be able to provide, (due to trauma and wounds and through negative thought patterns). It happens because going into the relationship you thought that person would fulfill you, which will never end well. I’m saying he will repeat it in next relationship if he doesn’t work on himself, in or out of the relationship.

redfox123

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Erra, come off of it. If you are a woman wanting to start a family then perhaps, but as a man being single in your 30s is your absolute 100% prime decade for dating. I saw this as a guy who spend my 20s stuck in relationships and I was single turning 30 and I'm 33 now. I have never looked back and I am happier now than ever before and have more friends than ever. I have no intentions of getting into a relationship for the foreseeable future.

.

Ha yea because you don’t want a relationship! I ended it with someone after 12 years in my early 30s and loved being single. But it was after a lot of work that ultimately failed. I never thought grass would be greener I knew there’d be positives and negatives to both. Same as you in relationship during twenties and single after. I think people have a different outlook coming out of a relationship in mid 30s though.

Thelonious Monk

redfox123 wrote: »

Yea very quick to say end things in this thread. Unfortunately single in your 30s can be very depressing, as depressing as being in a relationship where there’s no attraction.

As a man I can say this is complete bullsh*t. Single in your 30s was great for me, there are loads of opportunities with women if you have your sh*t together and you can bide your time until you meet the right person. As a 39 year old with most of my 30s single, it has been the best decade of my life for me. If I were you I'd get out OP.

bitofabind

zapper55 wrote: »

As a woman leaving my thirties I didnt find dating depressing at all. And fear would be a terrible reason not to break up with someone.

This is the dumbest reason ever to stay in a relationship that's making you unhappy. Seriously. I'm amazed by how the "fear of being single" will dictate otherwise functioning, competent adults' lives and result in long-term misery in relationships they feel trapped in.

Meeting the right person isn't something you can control, whether you're a broody 35 year old woman or otherwise. Personally I found it most headfcuky in my early 20s because of the amount of immature male players around. The key is to not need a relationship for validation that you are an acceptable human and to enjoy your life and create those opportunities for romance along the way. Approach dating pragmatically and don't lose that sense of playfulness along the way.

Anyway. OP. Why aren't you attracted to your OH anymore? Try to get to the route of that. Is it a physical change in her / you or something deeper? Are you emotionally invested enough to try to work on this, or are you already at walk-away point?

Personally, sex is important but it's not everything. And sexual attraction naturally wanes in LT relationships anyway. If I had no discernible romantic feelings for a partner, I'd be looking at two things before making a decision: 1. is there a way back from this? I.E is it a physical change, are my emotional needs not being met, is this something we can pinpoint and work on as a couple, and 2. what else is the relationship bringing to the table and how does that line up with the kind of life I want? Is the attraction thing a dealbreaker?

redfox123

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

As a man I can say this is complete bullsh*t. Single in your 30s was great for me, there are loads of opportunities with women if you have your sh*t together and you can bide your time until you meet the right person. As a 39 year old with most of my 30s single, it has been the best decade of my life for me. If I were you I'd get out OP.

Replying to these is very boring. I said it ‘CAN’ be depressing. Not for you monk. You’ve spent ten years single, so you’re not the person to go to for relationship advice. You’re happier single good for you. Some people aren’t. Some prefer to have someone to share their life.
How’s about boards gets rid of relationship issues altogether, and leaves one post ‘if you’re not happy..LEAVE’ :pac:;)

PARlance

Unreg12345 wrote: »

Hi guys, going unreg for this. Am with the gf a few years, mid thirties, she wants an engagement and marriage and its absolutely piss or get off the pot stage now. The thing is, we get on well, I really care for her etc, but on my end, there is no sexual attraction there anymore. We would still have sex once or twice a week, usually her initiating it. sometimes I do it just to avoid a row. Would it be madness to proceed on this basis, my head says yes and I am assuming that will be the overwhelming response, but would just like your thoughts for reassurance, either way!

If you're not attracted to her then it's time to end it.

If the sex isn't great, and that's the main reason (like some other posters have suggested), then that's something that can be worked on.

Some women are naturally adventurous, some aren't. But I've never met one that wasn't at least open to trying things out (that's going back some time though, married with kids now). Communication is key and in the right way. Most women need to feel very comfortable with sex so take baby steps in trying out new things with someone who isn't naturally adventurous.

I've been through the same phase as you, I got married at 27. I found every possible reason to get freaked out because it is a big step. Being honest, I created reasons to freak myself out as well. Looking back on it, I suppose it was my way of making sure I really wanted to commit to someone for the rest of my life. I did and no regrets. So just be conscious that you might be freaking out a bit as well. It's fairly natural imo.

Sex can and will more than like get boring at times, in a long term relationship. It may even start out boring. But I get the sense that a lot of people who are unhappy with their sex life, do nothing about it. It won't change without a few suggestions, a few gifts, a little bit of work etc etc. And lay off the porn would be a general bit of advice I would recommend to anybody watching it too regularly, I think there's a big issue with porn creating unrealistic expectations.

LegacyUser

again, thanks for all of the new replies! One poster asked if this had happened, before and yes is the answer and I now know , the issue is one of sexual attraction. There has to be a decent amount of it there. At the start everything is exciting and new, and obviously it was there to some degree, but not enough. I have stayed in this longer than I should, due to that reason. I am thinking to myself, here we go again, you idiot! I really care for the two girls, I hate hurting people. Being single again in my thirties, doesnt bother me in the slightest, it is very easy to meet women in Dublin and if you are a lad that has his **** together and decent looking and are a nice genuine lad, not a fcukboy etc. Its easy to meet nice women, and vice versa for the ladies I am sure. If you are pretty fussy though, thats where it can become more difficult, you wont go out and find the one, after one or two weekends!

the sex is ok, although fairly average compared to my previous girlfriends. If it were only that, like one or two of you mentioned, it could be addressed. I dont expect things to be perfect etc, the older you get, the more you learn that. Also the last post mentions the freaked out bit, yes particularly as there was a rough time we agreed on for an engagement a few months ago and I couldnt bring myself to do it. I think I am a bit apprehensive of marriage etc, but feel that if I was more sure of current situation, I would do it ultimately. With the right girl. I really do care about this girl! Fcuk this situation, we have all been there!

Dog day

Hi again OP, I think you know deep down what you have to do here. Your latest post is very honest & clear. It’s horrible knowing you’ll be hurting her but it will hurt you both so much more in the long run if you let this relationship continue any longer. Wishing you well, I know it’s a very tough thing to do. Good luck.

Emme

OP if your girlfriend wants children she has no time to waste. So if you care for her you'll do the decent thing and let her go so she can look for somebody who wants to be with her and is worthy of her.

You needn't worry about being single in your 30s, you will find somebody no problem if you want. It won't be as easy for your girlfriend but the sooner you let her go the better it will be for her.

Stop stringing her along.

Dog day

Emme wrote: »

Stop stringing her along.

I think this is a little harsh, it’s a tough realisation that the OP has come to & it now takes courage to do the right thing. It’s not easy being the person that has to hurt somebody they care about. Most of us have been there.

Purple Mountain

Just be totally honest with her, she deserves the truth. Don't dress it up.

valoren

You said you "get on with" and "really care for her". Interestingly, you didn't say you love her and I guess there is no good reason to marry someone you don't love or have no attraction to anymore. Sounds to me like youd be much happier free from such pressure to get married.

Emme

valoren wrote: »

You said you "get on with" and "really care for her". Interestingly, you didn't say you love her and I guess there is no good reason to marry someone you don't love or have no attraction to anymore. Sounds to me like youd be much happier free from such pressure to get married.

I think his girlfriend would be much happier free from somebody who seems to have been stringing her along up until now. If she wants a family she has much less time to find somebody than the OP.

Perhaps this thread should be a lesson to all women in their early 30s who are in relationships where the male partner is happy for things to go along as they are. There is nothing wrong with asking your partner where the relationship is going and if they want to have children with you. The answer might be "no" in which case you know exactly where you are and you are free to walk.

If the answer is neither "no" nor "yes" or "lets see how it goes for another while and then we might think about it" then it would also be prudent for the 30 something woman to walk if she definitely wants children and he will not give her a straight answer.

LegacyUser

Whatever you do OP dont convince yourself marriage is a good idea after being extremely doubtful about it, then muttering "yes" and then repeatedly doing it again if she catches you on the hop more times after, and then finding yourself proposing. Be careful over convincing yourself what you can and cannot do. Im on the way to a divorce this year after i literally had a breakdown a few weeks after my honeymoon