Am I being fair? Money issues and other problems.

No longer eat meat

Ok so we are married a long time, kids all grown up . We have had a huge amount of problems and tbh we are not and have not ever really being suited to one another, we are totally different people but we stuck it out ,mainly because we could not afford to separate .

Current situation is that I work self employed, skilled trade money not bad but never really recovered from last crash and so don't really have a hope of ever paying my mortgage, house has a very modest amount of equity but no more than perhaps 40K.

Wife has never really worked in 30 yrs aside from part time cash jobs which she is doing currently she makes maybe 150 euro a week but contributes nothing to the household but pays her own insurance on her car etc , has a very quick temper and is not interested in doing much of anything outside the home (has always been this way and she wont change now)

I feel like a slave, yes she looks after me ,cooking cleaning shopping etc and I do appreciate it, however she recently had an inheritance of 80K . First thing she did was buy a new car for 30K , she isnt a big spender normally though.

Things are tight enough, we never seem to have anything left over and the best we can do is the cinema a couple of times a month, neither of us drink or smoke or spend crazy amounts.

I take 15% of my income for myself to go see the odd band or go cycling on my own or just whatever, it works out at maybe 150 euro a week, I know she resents this.

Tryng to get to the point, I feel like a slave, its a grind. We have a joint account and also our own accounts. Tonight not for the first time she interrogated me about how much money I will make this month and when it will hit the account.
As I get paid monthly things can get really tight at months end so occasionally she will "lend" money to tide us over she always gets it back.

I have a tax rebate coming to the tune of 5K.. I made it clear to her that this si my money and I want to keep it for myself ....after all she is cosily sitting on nearly 50K from her inheritance. She has said that she doesn't want to dip into that money because it would be needed to help us buy a modest house when we have to relinquish our current house. The thing is I do not fully trust her that she would even do this but I also see her point.

I just want fair play but she gets so angry and worked up, she would never discuss things just shout the odds as such. Tonight I have just had it , I told her from now on I control my own money and we will split the bills proportionally . I also gave her the opportunity to compromise or even apologise but no, that didn't happen and never will, she has never said sorry in 30 yrs about anything so I cannot see it happening now.

I don't want to leave as I am too old to start over, she asked why I would even need the tax rebate, well the truth is I have poor teeth and have always wanted to get them sorted out,when I told her this she completely derided me saying that if was 30 years old it's one thing but at my age it ridiculous and I need to cop on and act my age, made me feel terrible about myself yet again.

I don't imagine I actually will go ahead and keep my own money now because I haven't really got the nerve to do it, my confidence is super low anyway so I certainly won't bother with my teeth. Ah I just don't know , perhaps she is right about everything but it just feels wrong . Am I being unfair (sorry for the long long post)

JustAThought

I’m so sorry to read all thus.Money is such an issue and its heartbreaking to think that after working all your life you may not ever own your own home.

Definately get your teeth fixed.Its a health matter as well as a personal goal and personal pride matter. Make sure you prioritise your health and appearance and do it! : ) Best thing I ever spent a BIG sum of money on was dental work - ten years later still makes me happy every day and has given me back my confidence and smile in photos! You owe it to yourself -just do it!

80k is s lot of hard cash and no doubt she feels it is ‘hers’ and wanted something for herself -but the home is a joint asset and given your circumstances it would be reasonable for 30 or 40k of the remaining balance to be put against the jointly held mortgage. ( Is it jointly held?) There are online mortgage overpayment calculators that help you work out if you pay x off how much you can save (aprox) in years and interest repayment savings .It might be worth a look at -particularly in your circumstances -it might change your perspective and make owning it feasible.

lastly I’m sorry things are so imbalanced and you feel so undervalued. Are there children in the relationship? Is there any love?

woodchuck

It sounds like you both have a very strange attitude to money for a couple that has been married for so long. Obviously you're seeing now that it just doesn't work when each person keeps such close tabs on what the other is earning and spending. "Lending" a spouse money just seems like a mad concept to me!

Presumably this is the way you've always done things, but obviously it's not working and leading to resentment. I think you both need to completely reevaluate how you manage money - together. It doesn't sound like either of you are normally spendthrifts, so you should be able to come to an agreement that works for you both. I'd consider having a central pot/account that you both pay into and then each of you take out the same set amount of money each week for your own wants/needs to spend how you like. Any big financial decisions should be decided together (e.g. a new car and what the plan is for the inheritance and the tax rebate).

You need to be realistic too though. If she hasn't held down a proper job for ~30 years, she's unlikely to waltz into a full time well paying job at this stage of her life. Her income is never going to come even close to matching yours, so you need to accept that fact before you chat to her. It does sound like she's making an effort with the part time cash in hand jobs though. I know you say she keeps this 150euro/week for herself, but you said yourself that you spend 150euro a week on yourself too - so maybe she thinks she thinks this balances things out. And if she wasn't earning this money herself, it would be another 150euro that she'd need to take out of the joint account.

I'd also be very conscious of the language you use when talking to her. You say here that she earns 150euro a week, but contributes nothing to the household. However you also say that she looks after you cooking, cleaning, shopping etc - that IS contributing to the household. Not financially, but it is definitely a contribution and it would be a slap in the face to her to imply otherwise.

I'm mainly just focusing on the money end of things here, but obviously there are deeper issues here too. You say she's quick to temper and you were never really suited to each other. Do you actually love her? Do you want this relationship to work? Couples counselling would be a good idea, but you'd both need to be open to it.

jlm29

It’s hard to fully understand where you’re at from your post. When you say you can’t pay your mortgage, does that mean you don’t pay it at all? You mention having to relinquish your house?
If that’s the case, then you’re both wrong, neither of you should be spending €150/wk on things that aren’t totally necessary. Neither should your wife be sitting on €50k just waiting to see what happens.
To be honest, it sounds like you both need to get your ducks in a row and go and seek professional advice on where to go from here.

Finchie1276

Hi,
I'm going to rise above the detail and say that you are both pathologically unsuited to each other. What are you getting out of this relationship?
You are derided by your wife, interrogated and sound at a low ebb.
I really would look at the possibility of leaving. Splitting whatever equity there is and going on your own.
Could you afford to rent? This is not what a relationship sounds like but both of you are stuck in it because of fear. Imagine leaving - what does that make you think?

joeguevara

The line that stood out to me was in don’t want to leave as I’m too old to start over’. You are denying yourself happiness because of fear. No matter what could happen it has to be better than what you are enduring.

Communication is so important if there is a chance of saving your relationship. Bottling things up is the worst. If that doesn’t help, leave and be excited about new adventures.

Mulberrytree

Hello OP,

Are you sure your issues are about money?

There's lot jumping out from your post and it reads as though there is a lot of resentment in your marriage.

I'll assume any children are no longer living in the home - did you have a good relationship with your wife when they were there? Did you work long hours and therefore you both lost the friendship you originally had?

You seem upset you're still struggling with bills. You both need to seek financial advice on managing income. 150 a week that your wife earns is still 600/month. And if you spend 150/week yourself that's 1200. You could be plugging the mortgage gap with a good bit of that if you had a financial structure in place.

Is it that you're just tired of the marriage? Do you think you'd both benefit from counseling? Because an inheritance that is spent on a car without any discussion between a long married couple doesn't sound like either of you view this as a partnership. Do you think your wife also feels resentment of some sort towards you? Because it's a little strange the inheritance isn't being planned for your future. And that she considers your earnings family money and hers only her money. I'm assuming you're both mid 50s or so. What will you do at retirement age? Have you thought or talked about this?

Please get talking to your wife about getting a financial plan in place. If only to get some discipline and structure on how you spend.
Perhaps it may also be time to talk to her about your marriage and whether you're both happy and if not, introduce the idea of relationship counseling

Always Tired

What I see is two people who dislike each other, and are upset that they are forced to live together, and are trying to make up for that unhappiness by filling their lives with things or activities, only to find that there isn't enough money to buy all the things they need to cover that unhappiness, because there's simply too much of it.

So now, you have both become very selfish. Like you saying, 'I'm too old to start over.' Then also saying, 'she looks after me, does the cleaning and cooking, etc.' And then say, 'I feel like a slave.'

You're not too old to start over, you're just too lazy to do your own cooking and laundry.

You want to still have a wife clean up and cook, and she still wants a husband that gives her money to spend. So you both want these old fashioned married life roles but you don't love each other like a married couple should. You're both just in it for yourselves now, and resent and begrudge everything the other has.

Good luck with that, it sounds truly awful.

Millionaire only not

Always Tired wrote: »

What I see is two people who dislike each other, and are upset that they are forced to live together, and are trying to make up for that unhappiness by filling their lives with things or activities, only to find that there isn't enough money to buy all the things they need to cover that unhappiness, because there's simply too much of it.

So now, you have both become very selfish. Like you saying, 'I'm too old to start over.' Then also saying, 'she looks after me, does the cleaning and cooking, etc.' And then say, 'I feel like a slave.'

You're not too old to start over, you're just too lazy to do your own cooking and laundry.

You want to still have a wife clean up and cook, and she still wants a husband that gives her money to spend. So you both want these old fashioned married life roles but you don't love each other like a married couple should. You're both just in it for yourselves now, and resent and begrudge everything the other has.

Good luck with that, it sounds truly awful.

How many are like it ! It’s only the brave ones that take the leap !

strandroad

OP others are giving you good advice but what strikes me is that you say you spend 150 a week on yourself and it's 15% of your income - so you bring in 4k and spend 600 a month on yourself (so does your wife) but ye can't keep paying your mortgage? How can it be right?

osarusan

Kids are grown up (and left the house?).

For the OP to be in the financial strife they are in, with no hope of paying a mortgage, there must have been endless money problems over the last 20 or 30 years (edit - sorry, OP mentioned the last crash so more like 10 years). Maybe they are just ground down by the never-ending insecurity, and looking to snipe at and blame each other for that.

Jurgen Klopp

strandroad wrote: »

OP others are giving you good advice but what strikes me is that you say you spend 150 a week on yourself and it's 15% of your income - so you bring in 4k and spend 600 a month on yourself (so does your wife) but ye can't keep paying your mortgage? How can it be right?

Exactly what I was thinking and to describe 1k a week as ok money Jesus Christ!

The only thing I can think is they took out a ridiculous mortgage during teh boom and the OP had next to no trade work for the last 10 years with the downturn

So maybe being set back 10 years or something?

Daisy78

I agree with one of the posters above, you don’t sound like a team, at least not when it comes to household finance whatever about anything else. Out of curiosity why, historically did your wife not work outside the home? I’m assuming it was due to childcare but surely a point came when they had grown up and left where you both discussed her going back to work full time? I might be shot for this but cleaning the house and preparing meals is certainly a contribution but your situation requires more on her part now than a couple of hours work a week, 150 euros is nothing. What’s her excuse? In relation to the 5k id go right ahead and spend it as you like. She bought her 30k car, you should be free to spend your relatively small windfall as you like. I’m not sure what advice to offer, if she is as stubborn as you say you probably won’t make much headway with your situation.

GreeBo

It's not a normal relationship if you have to lend and pay back money to each other after years of marriage imo.

Idbatterim

What a piss take op. That car lost five k the minute she drove off the forecourt. thats your dental money. If you don’t want to leave her , ok. But sort the finances out , take control. You have the control. You’re the one with the income. You are working towards a house and she wastes 30k on a car ?! To what ? Impress the Jones ? No new 30 k car is impressing anyone. Wtf! Is she one of those penny wise, thousands foolish people ?
What age are you op if you don’t mind me asking ? I not know if you should throw in the towel. If you aren’t in Dublin and on ok money. I bet you could build yourself a better life. She seems to be taking advantage, because she is being let

No longer eat meat

Thanks for all the replies , some home truths there.

We will carry on , it could be better but I’m almost 60 now and I won’t be moving out . I guess the reason we keep our small amount of money to ourselves is that it gives us a means of escaping occasionally, I have a motorcycle and love to hit the open road now and again or just go for a cycle.

She’s just all about family and rescuing animals , she has a good heart but a simple type of understanding of things . Yes I jump around from one thing to another sorry it’s complex .

About paying the mortgage we are in an arrangement until the fall then we may get another, but the truth is ultimately I will have to surrender it , if I was to pay full mortgage it’s over 2K a month , not doable .

When I read back my post I sound like an idiot , no fool like an old fool eh ?

There are many thousands if not hundreds of thousands of couples in this country and all over the world in the same scenario, I’m originally from the USA and most of my family is the same , I guess were no good at this relationship lark !

Again thank you all for your input it has given me lots of food for thought , I am gonna start by trying to put a bit of money away for myself .. for a rainy day , to that end I’m gonna put up with my crooked and missing teeth , yes I’m as ugly as I sound haha !

Again much appreciation.

JustAThought

If one of you was not working and either in jobseekers or some kind of back to work / training scheme you woild have a SW income of at least e800 a month + : that is almost half the mortgage payment of 2k - relatively do-able. If you don’t mind me asking what age is your wife - younger or older? If she has still 8 or 10 years to go until her pension (!!!) thats 70 or 80k plus the 30 or 40 plus whatever you are earning - it might be enough when you factor in overpayments and the reduction in interest and the term left to pay on the mortgage - might well be worth a look. Then again you might change role or she might get a job which could change everything financially and ad a new sparkle - why commit to being poor for the rest of your life when there are still options? You never said how much was owed?

you dont want to be 70 and renting or on a random council flat list.

do get your teeth fixed regardless - some things are just worth it : )

No longer eat meat

JustAThought wrote: »

If one of you was not working and either in jobseekers or some kind of back to work / training scheme you woild have a SW income of at least e800 a month + : that is almost half the mortgage payment of 2k - relatively do-able. If you don’t mind me asking what age is your wife - younger or older? If she has still 8 or 10 years to go until her pension (!!!) thats 70 or 80k plus the 30 or 40 plus whatever you are earning - it might be enough when you factor in overpayments and the reduction in interest and the term left to pay on the mortgage - might well be worth a look. Then again you might change role or she might get a job which could change everything financially and ad a new sparkle - why commit to being poor for the rest of your life when there are still options? You never said how much was owed?

you dont want to be 70 and renting or on a random council flat list.

do get your teeth fixed regardless - some things are just worth it : )

Hi thanx again for your input, mortgage has a balance of 290K House worth perhaps 340K. I don't think there will be a social welfare entitlement because of my earnings. You're right it's not totally impossible but it would mean literally no life and I need to get outta the house or I'll just get cabin fever. We had a talk and things have settled down a bit, you asked me earlier was there any love there...truth is I really care about her and sometimes i think I dunno what I would do without her, but then find myself daydreaming about leaving and starting afresh...

I am now gonna just take it one day at a time and try to not worry about the future, there is no point anyway. She told me today that if we sell the house she will input her money along with the equity and that would raise close to 100K , we can also save a little every week perhaps 100 euro, then maybe we will buy something outside of Dublin .. Things don't seem so bad now thankfully.

AulWan

To be honest, your posts don't make sense financially.

Your wife blew 30k on a new car, which presumably she doesn't even need to commute to work because she only does bits here and there. She has 50K sitting in the bank. You each have €150 a week for personal spends. You say you can save another €100 a week, and you're talking about surrendering your home because you can't make the mortgage payments?

For a start, that 80k inheritance would have taken a large chunk off that mortgage debt. And the €1200 a month you spend between you could be halved ...

Something doesn't quite add up here.

PARlance

AulWan wrote: »

To be honest, your posts don't make sense financially.

Your wife blew 30k on a new car, which presumably she doesn't even need to commute to work because she only does bits here and there. She has 50K sitting in the bank. You each have €150 a week for personal spends. You say you can save another €100 a week, and you're talking about surrendering your home because you can't make the mortgage payments?

For a start, that 80k inheritance would have taken a large chunk off that mortgage debt. And the €1200 a month you spend between you could be halved ...

Something doesn't quite add up here.

290k is owed on the mortgage. Even if that 80k was taken off, I'm not seeing how a 60 year old can pay off that mortgage.

A 210k mortgage over 15 years is about 1,500 per month. Joint income is approx 4,600 per month. So the mortgage is approx 33% of joint income, much higher than I would want. And that's before going into the fact that it would mean the OP needs to continue his trade job until he's 75....

I'm struggling to see how that mortgage came about in the first place. There must have be 10-15 years of interest only/no repayments to be owing 290k at 60.

OP, I think you have a solid plan to get out of Dublin. If you've 50k equity and 50k savings then head west and buy a very modest house for yourselves, for approx 100k, I.e no mortgage. You're wife doesn't work and your job should be transferable.

AulWan

A lot of people are going to working and paying mortgages until their seventies... but thats another conversation.

Sounds like they are being wasteful with the resources they do have, and in a marriage, all money is considered joint money. €100k isn't a great budget for the rest of the country either, plus hard to move away at that age.

Anyway, I'll leave it there.

Cinema a couple times a month?

Single guy here for the last 18 months. Been to cinema twice.

Cinema ticket x 2 = 20 euro
Popcorn x 2 = 20

80 quid a month, or 960 euro a year.

Cut down on cinema visits, save nearly a grand.

PARlance

AulWan wrote: »

A lot of people are going to working and paying mortgages until their seventies... but thats another conversation.

Sounds like they are being wasteful with the resources they do have, and in a marriage, all money is considered joint money. €100k isn't a great budget for the rest of the country either, plus hard to move away at that age.

Anyway, I'll leave it there.

They might, but a bank wouldn't have been lending assuming a retirement age of 70+, for good reason.

The OP's kids have moved out, can't see much reason for them to stay. Personally, I wouldn't like a 290k mortgage at 50, let alone 60. Granted 100k isn't much but it would be doable, if an additional 50k could be scraped together, they would get a decent 2-3 bed house in a lot of towns around the Country.

If OP gets sick or suffers injury then he's got very little cover as a self employed tradesman.

I know what I would be doing in OPs situation anyway. Getting out of Dublin and not having a massive mortgage hanging over me for my 60's.

Neyite

I think you'd both benefit from speaking to a financial advisor as your individual approaches are quite disjointed and I imagine quite complex. There's debt but there's also significant savings yet you are still at risk of losing your home?



Honestly I'd start with talking to the likes of MABS - together. And if it's difficult to speak to each other about financial issues without defensiveness - and it often can be- that you get counselling to be able to discuss it in a fair and calm manner.

No longer eat meat

Development , I have viewed a room and am moving in tomorrow. It's 700 a month, I am trying to see the positives, I am healthy I have a good job and from now on my money will be mine. The house will be taken back in time I guess , I plan to work hard and save a bit each week . I have friends I have a life which I have not lived. I cannot take the judgement the contempt the bad feelings and sheer lack of respect anymore. i am doing this for me now. Iwill live one day at a time. I have no security but I just don't care at this stage , I just want peace.

Quartzy99

Good for you OP! You won't know yourself

Idbatterim

No longer eat meat wrote: »

Development , I have viewed a room and am moving in tomorrow. It's 700 a month, I am trying to see the positives, I am healthy I have a good job and from now on my money will be mine. The house will be taken back in time I guess , I plan to work hard and save a bit each week . I have friends I have a life which I have not lived. I cannot take the judgement the contempt the bad feelings and sheer lack of respect anymore. i am doing this for me now. Iwill live one day at a time. I have no security but I just don't care at this stage , I just want peace.

Delighted for your in op. Too young still to say “ I’ll exist “ you’re not eighty ! Get your teeth done too ! What’s five K in the greater scheme of things ! This absolute idiocy of spending a fortune on a car , when there are massive priorities and a car gets thirty k thrown at it , exacerbating the problem ? Unacceptable. I know many people like this , they want it all , but don’t want to do anything to achieve it !

Would she entertain the rent a room scheme for 14k tax free. Or would you divide the current house into two ? Basically a ground and first floor apartment or would that be keeping things way too close to home ?

I know people now putting up log cabin in back garden and renting them out for e1,000 month.

lulu1

I have to say I fully understand why the wife is holding on to the inheritence it's probably the only money she had of her own all the years she was married.
In saying that she should have at least discussed buying the car with you. but it is her money to do what she wants with.
The same goes for you you earn your money get your teeth fixed dont let what she says bother you.

I think your both stuck in a rut married for 30 years and just living together because you dont want to be on your own

1 question would you even miss each other if you went your seperate ways. I think I just might know the answer

i have just read your post which was posted on 2nd Feb saying you wont be moving out and you were going to carry on then 4 days later you have posted agani saying that you have got a room and are movng in. Anyway best of luck to you and to your wfe

AulWan

I don't think moving out and now paying out 700 for a room is a sensible solution here.

You will still be liable for half the mortgage payments and your wife is not going to be able to pay the rest and sustain herself on 150 euros a week she earns cash in hand.

She can apply for spousal maintenance, and she will get it, at her age she is unlikely to be able to find a full time job.

I think what you're doing is a cop out.