Struggling to fully end relationship

Albhabeth

I broke up with my long term partner recently. No children and didn't live with him so it's fairly straightforward. After a few big fights and loads of insignificant but grating arguments over a stressful period in our lives, I was the one to end it. He was angry at first but now accepts and even agrees with it. We are on very good terms now.

Although we're definitely broken up and both understand that, we've been doing couply things. We spent a special occasion together recently and had sex, and I'm attending as a guest at his family's event soon. We also have some trips arranged. We haven't told his family or friends about the break up yet.

I have set boundaries so far like no sleepovers, no unnecessary texting. And we've cancelled all joint subscriptions.

We have called it "weaning" off the relationship but I'm worried that we'll slip back into old habits or that he might want me to change my mind and I'm leading him on.

How do I expedite the transition to clean break? I don't want to have to be harsh or cold to someone I care so much about, and I'm conscious of me being his main support in his life and don't want to yank that away either.

I am sure I want the relationship to end because we are incompatible, but I still like him as a person. Do I just need to be cruel to be ultimately kind?

Any advice appreciated.

strandroad

Albhabeth wrote: »

Although we're definitely broken up and both understand that, we've been doing couply things. We spent a special occasion together recently and had sex, and I'm attending as a guest at his family's event soon. We also have some trips arranged. We haven't told his family or friends about the break up yet.

You are most definitely not broken up if you're still doing the above. For some reason you choose to deceive yourself - why is that? Who is initiating the sex, family events and trips, you or him?

Albhabeth

strandroad wrote: »

You are most definitely not broken up if you're still doing the above. For some reason you choose to deceive yourself - why is that? Who is initiating the sex, family events and trips, you or him?

He initiated sex that one time since we've broken up but it was mutually engaged in. The family events and trips were planned before the conversation about ending the relationship. Hopefully this is makes it clearer for people offering advice.

eviltwin

You can't properly break up if people still believe you are a couple and you still present as a couple. The only way is a clean break.

It's unfair on him. You say he's cool with it but you made the decision to end things and yet you're still to all intents and purposes his girlfriend. You're still having sex! It's giving him a mixed message and possibly false hope.

Cut all ties, cancel your planned engagements and start telling people you've broken up.

Albhabeth

eviltwin wrote: »

You can't properly break up if people still believe you are a couple and you still present as a couple. The only way is a clean break.

It's unfair on him. You say he's cool with it but you made the decision to end things and yet you're still to all intents and purposes his girlfriend. You're still having sex! It's giving him a mixed message and possibly false hope.

Cut all ties, cancel your planned engagements and start telling people you've broken up.

Thank you. Very straightforward. I will probably use that first line word for word when I bring up the conversation again!

Purple Mountain

You've probably heard the practical saying that I think is quite appropriate for your situation.
'Pi*s or get off the pot.'

Irish_rat

The best way to end a relationship is to cut all ties its fairer on your ex and not stringing him along.

zapper55

You think you are helping him but you are just making the inevitable breakup so much worse. Cancel your future plans together and stop sleeping with him. Stop seeing him altogether.

Yes its harsh, breakups arent fun but you ripping the plaster off quick is far less cruel than letting it drag on.

bitofabind

This is all going to end in tears OP. You think you've set boundaries but you really haven't - you are still playing the part of his girlfriend.

I found myself in a similar bind after my last breakup. We floated in and out of contact for up to a year post-breakup, breaching boundaries all over the gaff and all it accomplished was it prolonged the pain and prevented the both of us from moving on and processing things. Which meant that the most painful time for me was about a year post-breakup, when we stopped communicating and left each other's lives for good.

Don't continue what you're doing. It's not fair on either of you and is wasting both of your valuable time. It's hard to meet that right person, and it's even harder when you've got an ex deeply entrenched in your life.

Tell him that it's time for you both to move on and cancel all your trips and events together.

LegacyUser

I met a really great guy in the summer, were friends for a while and starts dating. Then it all went bad, he wasn't over his ex and was terrified of feeling all the pain again if things didn't work out. Guess what, he was still in contact with her. I wish to Christ they'd cut ties cos it messed up what we potentially had and I ended up being the one to get hurt...don't do this, don't do this to him it's not fair, he has no chance of fully getting over the relationship or moving on if he meets someone new. He'll hang around hoping for it to work out as long as you keep giving him hope. You think you're being fair but all youre being is selfish, thinking of how you feel and wanting to feel better about the break up. Let him go, let him be angry if he's gonna be angry, you don't get to be the one to pick up the pieces anymore.

Lyra Fangs

Albhabeth wrote: »

Thank you. Very straightforward. I will probably use that first line word for word when I bring up the conversation again!

When you do have that conversation be clear about what you want but also be cognisant that you may have been giving mixed signals to this guy and he may be secretly hoping that you've changed your mind. You both owe each other an apology for dragging this out at this point!

ILoveYourVibes

Albhabeth wrote: »

He initiated sex that one time since we've broken up but it was mutually engaged in. The family events and trips were planned before the conversation about ending the relationship. Hopefully this is makes it clearer for people offering advice.

You are still in a relationship.

You are still partners.

You need to tell him the relationship is over call off the family engagements and couple things ..stop sleeping with him. Then you need to tell people that you have broken up.

Then stop seeing him.

This isn't cruel. What you are doing is cruel.

Albhabeth

Thanks everyone. I knew myself that we needed a clean break but it obviously wasn't clear from my post that I was moreso looking for advice on *how* to do it.

In all and anyways, we had another chat this weekend that unfortunately ended in a big row but we are definitely over. Some logistic things need to happen around the break up but I'll give it a couple of weeks or wait for him before bringing them up.