Death of a parent.

Liamario

My father died last Sunday. We weren't particularly close, but that was to do with his parenting style than a lack of love for me.

In any case, the grieving end of things is becoming a struggle. Some things I'm able to resolve and accept and others not.

The main one is trying to reconcile that I'll never see him again. It's hard to accept for me at the moment. I might have visited once a week for him to see my kids. While on his death bed he said that his biggest regret was not being able to see his grand children grow up, that really hurts to think about.
Life is so difficult sometimes and not having him giving out to me or playing with my children is really difficult to accept.

Naggdefy

Liamario wrote: »

My father died last Sunday. We weren't particularly close, but that was to do with his parenting style than a lack of love for me.

In any case, the grieving end of things is becoming a struggle. Some things I'm able to resolve and accept and others not.

The main one is trying to reconcile that I'll never see him again. It's hard to accept for me at the moment. I might have visited once a week for him to see my kids. While on his death bed he said that his biggest regret was not being able to see his grand children grow up, that really hurts to think about.
Life is so difficult sometimes and not having him giving out to me or playing with my children is really difficult to accept.

My dad died 3 years ago. It's a cliche, but time heals to some extent.

Sorry for your loss.

Bannasidhe

Liamario wrote: »

My father died last Sunday. We weren't particularly close, but that was to do with his parenting style than a lack of love for me.

In any case, the grieving end of things is becoming a struggle. Some things I'm able to resolve and accept and others not.

The main one is trying to reconcile that I'll never see him again. It's hard to accept for me at the moment. I might have visited once a week for him to see my kids. While on his death bed he said that his biggest regret was not being able to see his grand children grow up, that really hurts to think about.
Life is so difficult sometimes and not having him giving out to me or playing with my children is really difficult to accept.

I am very sorry for your loss - and your kids loss.

My Dad died last Oct.
He was a terrible father on the whole but a good grandfather and wonderful great grandfather.

I know what you mean about it's a struggle - my one consolation is that he was struggling with dementia, and he was aware enough to know things were slipping away from him and he found that very difficult, but he left us before his memories had left him if you know what I mean.
He still knew who were were to the day he died.

It's still hard though.
The sense of loss still knocks me for 6.

is_that_so

Sorry for your loss. Grieving comes to us all regardless of the relationship. There will be good and bad or sad days and it's important to acknowledge them. Time then does its work.

Liamario

It's a very frustrating feeling. You can reason it out in your head, but a lot of it doesn't have a solution or a satisfying answer. And the only thing I can hope to attain is acceptance of this new reality.

is_that_so

Liamario wrote: »

It's a very frustrating feeling. You can reason it out in your head, but a lot of it doesn't have a solution or a satisfying answer. And the only thing I can hope to attain is acceptance of this new reality.

Yeah, it'll pop up at the most unexpected times. There is no answer just let it happen. Any answers you can accept are probably a while away.

A_Lost_Man

I never found my dad. I dont even know who is my father is. Atleast you know your father try to forget him. Relations are weakness of strong men.

Bannasidhe

A_Lost_Man wrote: »

I never found my dad. I dont even know who is my father is. Atleast you know your father try to forget him. Relations are weakness of strong men.

MOD

Frankly this comment is not just uncivil, given the OP's loss it is stunningly insensitive.
I cannot card you for being insensitive but I can and will for being uncivil.
DO NOT discuss this in thread. If you wish to discuss it take it to PM.

branie2

Sorry for your loss

Liamario

Things have been better lately. You just sort of get on with things. You don't forget and the tears can come at the most unexpected times. I realise that I don't want him gone, but everyone has their turn and it's just the way life is.

eprndrgst

I’m so sorry for your loss.

It will get better.... it will just take time.
Eventually the good days will start to outnumber the bad days.
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you have a bad day, take your time to grieve...it will take as long as it takes.
Talk if you need yo talk, scream if you need to scream and cry if you need to cry.
Take care of yourself

Hotblack Desiato

I'm not so sure how long a 90-something can survive on saline drips alone, but my mam seems intent on breaking the record.
Physically, strong as a horse.
Mentally, pretty much all sentience left us years ago, she doesn't know my wife or my kids, couldn't recognise me over a decade ago.
Brain functions have now deteriorated to the extent of being unable to swallow, hence the drips and the unsaid withdrawal of nutrition

The mother of a friend had the opposite. MND where motor functions went but the sentience was intact, horrific way to go. This is the opposite, where higher brain functions went long ago and now that the basic motor functions are going it's.. .well, the end isn't it.

This week, a release I hope.

Going to be a full on catholic funeral, first instinct was to refuse to do a reading but maybe they'd let me do some sort of universe-humanistic woo which is less demeaning.

Bannasidhe

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

I'm not so sure how long a 90-something can survive on saline drips alone, but my mam seems intent on breaking the record.
Physically, strong as a horse.
Mentally, pretty much all sentience left us years ago, she doesn't know my wife or my kids, couldn't recognise me over a decade ago.
Brain functions have now deteriorated to the extent of being unable to swallow, hence the drips and the unsaid withdrawal of nutrition

The mother of a friend had the opposite. MND where motor functions went but the sentience was intact, horrific way to go. This is the opposite, where higher brain functions went long ago and now that the basic motor functions are going it's.. .well, the end isn't it.

This week, a release I hope.

Going to be a full on catholic funeral, first instinct was to refuse to do a reading but maybe they'd let me do some sort of universe-humanistic woo which is less demeaning.

That's hard. For all of you. You and yours have my deepest sympathies.

My consolation with my Dad was that right to the end he recognised us, but the time cycle of repeating stories was rapidly diminishing as his cognitive functions failed, We were losing him quickly.

My brother gave a eulogy in the church that was very honest, funny, and affectionate (albeit with a bite to it) - absolutely zero religion in it. Perhaps you could do something like that?

NSAman

lost my dad 7 years ago. A great daD and someone who was loved by many, not just us, his family.

honestly, I didn’t think it would hit me as hard as it did a week after the actual funeral. yes I was distraught upon his passing as the rest of the family was (and to some still are). I took some time away to be away from everyone one week after his passing, talk about a massive mistake. I was just lost completely. One evening in a very public place, I simply bawled.

Since his passing, life has become easier. Do I miss him still? YES! Time does heal lots of things, the fact you have your own children will bring happiness in itself. There will be days that it hits harder than others, first christmas, birthday anniversary but these too get easier over time.

It is not that you forget your parent, it is that the rawness of it all eases and the feelings of loss turn to a warmness of remembrance.

I’m sorry for your loss, it isn’t easy but hang in there, life continues and the hurt will fade.

Hotblack Desiato

I'm sure "bother" was a Freudian slip

It's at times like these that weary old familial relations are prodded back to life, and not always in a good way. Haven't got a great relationship with my sister, but we've reconciled. But my dad had a step-family before I was born, and one of them in particular is a grasping c**t who thought that belatedly challenging my dad's will and throwing an elderly widow out of her home in order to fund his divorce was a good idea.

When you're related to people like that, who needs enemies.

Bannasidhe

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

I'm sure "bother" was a Freudian slip

It's at times like these that weary old familial relations are prodded back to life, and not always in a good way. Haven't got a great relationship with my sister, but we've reconciled. But my dad had a step-family before I was born, and one of them in particular is a grasping c**t who thought that belatedly challenging my dad's will and throwing an elderly widow out of her home in order to fund his divorce was a good idea.

When you're related to people like that, who needs enemies.

Possibly - he's very 'Swiss' which can be bothersome.

Ah yes, the grasping family member. Always one.
My Dad didn't have much but what he had he left to his 5 grandchildren. Made it difficult for my sister to be a total biatch as her beloved only son was a beneficiary - she still had a good old lengthy crib about it tho :rolleyes:.

One of my great uncles was a genius with his hands and he had carved a table from a single piece of oak. It was magnificent. The most beautiful decorative carvings. He then literally built his house around it. When he died the fight over who got what resulted in the table being sawn in half to get it out.

smacl

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

I'm not so sure how long a 90-something can survive on saline drips alone, but my mam seems intent on breaking the record.
Physically, strong as a horse.
Mentally, pretty much all sentience left us years ago, she doesn't know my wife or my kids, couldn't recognise me over a decade ago.
Brain functions have now deteriorated to the extent of being unable to swallow, hence the drips and the unsaid withdrawal of nutrition

The mother of a friend had the opposite. MND where motor functions went but the sentience was intact, horrific way to go. This is the opposite, where higher brain functions went long ago and now that the basic motor functions are going it's.. .well, the end isn't it.

This week, a release I hope.

Going to be a full on catholic funeral, first instinct was to refuse to do a reading but maybe they'd let me do some sort of universe-humanistic woo which is less demeaning.

Very sorry for your troubles Hotblack, a tough time and no mistake.

RobAMerc

I am very sorry for your loss

My Dad died last April. I feel I barely grieved at all, but looking back I behaved very much out of character where small things that would normally pass me by totally crushed me.
So please keep an eye on how you are grieveing, and maybe keep a check in with someone. I think VHI cover entitles you to grief counselling.

One huge upside is I have since realised how blessed I am to have a great immediate family to rely upon.

I think for men, ( I dont know about women sorry !) being the percieved head of something ( family ), when your own father dies it opens up a huge amount within ourselves, brought on in part by the realization that maybe we are not invincible any more. We were comforted by the "fact" we were relatively safe because Dad is supposed to go before we do. But now we are kinda next in line.

Time does make things easier, and hopefully the rose tinted glasses will let you remember fondly of only the good times and see him with a smiling face, then he will have truely reached heaven.

Akrasia

I am sorry for your loss also, and for your kids losing their grandfather. It will get easier with time but you will always experience moments of regret and longing

After my dad died I made a video montage of the photos and clips I could find of my dad set to some nice music. I play it to my kids sometimes so that even though they never met him, they can have some connection with him, see his face, hear his voice and know that he was loved. They love to watch it and it’s creating memories for them of their grandfather which i know my father would have wanted

Hotblack Desiato

That's nice Akrasia, unfortunately we are before the digital era here really.

My mam loved classical music, Beethoven in particular, but it's not really churchy is it? Love the 5th symphony but that's really not church music is it. 1st and 2nd aren't either...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOk8Tm815lE 5th Symphony

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1rA68yF4tM 1st Symphony

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnOZxNiLk9U 2nd Symphony

Hotblack Desiato

She's gone now.

We met with the undertakers a couple of days ago so they know what to do, we'll ring them in the morning.

400 fecking quid for a soloist in the church, it's bad enough being aurally tortured without paying tens of euro per minute for the dubious pleasure!!! I fcuking hate church music, would be happy to have nothing at all (and my mam was a daily communicant after she retired, but didn't like churchy music either) Sigh...

400 quid for the use of the church, which is actually fair enough I suppose

1250 to open up my dad's grave...! wtf. And buying a new grave in Dublin these days costs an absolute fortune.

Hotblack Desiato

This makes me sound very mercenary but my sis doesn't have any money, my step family probably won't chip in but will heavily criticise, whatever cash my mam had is going to take months/years to get through the probate process, and I'm going to have to explain to my kids that the granny they never met because she was too far gone before they were born is the reason they can't have a holiday this year.

Hotblack Desiato

F*ck it anyway. I've had years to prepare for this but nothing prepares you for it. It's meeting the relatives that I can't stand which I'm dreading the most. But it's ok I'll be grand.

Bannasidhe

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

F*ck it anyway. I've had years to prepare for this but nothing prepares you for it. It's meeting the relatives that I can't stand which I'm dreading the most. But it's ok I'll be grand.

All I can say is make sure you allow space in what is about to happen for yourself.
A 1000 things will try and pull you a 1000 ways if they can. You are under no obligation to let them. It sounds obvious I know but it gets crazy and demanding.
Be with your grief and remember your Mam. F*ck everyone else.
And may your Mother go where she believed she would. In peace.

Hotblack Desiato

It's done now, the day I had been dreading for years.

Everyone who turned up was wonderful. Including a couple of rellies on my mother's side who I wasn't sure were still alive :eek: they were the best thing about the day and one of them had some gas stories to share

The worst thing about the last couple of days was finding out that some aunts and uncles had died* in the last couple of years that I didn't know about, I haven't changed my mobile number in over 20 years and my cousins had it but somehow I didn't know. My sister asked one of my cousins yesterday how her dad was, not knowing he died last year.

He was my favourite uncle too... lovely man who always had great time for everyone young or old.

Of course the priest got some major points in the bio wrong, but I think spotting the deliberate mistakes is part of the game

Don't think I've ever bitten my lip in a single day more than today but I played along as best I could, at one stage it looked like the priest was going to approach those of us in the front row directly with the chalice :eek: (I'd remembered just in time from reading in the other place a while back that you're supposed to cross your arms across your chest if you don't wish to receive) but he didn't. She got the funeral she would have wanted and that's what matters.


* ugh "passed away" is in common usage now and bad enough, but just "passed"? As in uncle X passed two years ago, and auntie Y passed last year? A euphemism of a euphemism. They died, what's wrong with saying died..?

Hotblack Desiato

the "now we stand for".. "sit for.." "kneel" (I didn't kneel) stuff was very apparent. Everybody used to know the moves years ago...

Hotblack Desiato

It was kinda funny to hear (and see) that so-and-so youngun looks just like me - yeah maybe 30 years ago when I still had haiir The only person I can try to emullate now is my aul dad - 35 years dead and the first occupant of the hole in the ground my mam got. Or maybe Walter White.
If I grew facial fungus I'd end up looking like one or the other. And I'm not quite yet old enough to want to look like my auld dad.

Palmerstown Cemetery and its environs were a very different place 35 years ago when my dad was buried.. now there's a shopping centre and a big housing estate on the way in.. .that's fine, but it backs onto the M50. Could hardly hear the priest over the trucks. Although (nice man) I didn't care what he was saying, so long as he said it and then let us move on. I kind of felt sorry for him because 90% of us there don't buy in.

Hotblack Desiato

My dad was born a *hundred* years ago. 1920. Yes, I was born well into the second half of his life, but still...

We were just remarking today about how there's almost no 1920s people left.... just before I shook hands with my 1929 aunt. 1930s people are getting few... I suppose it's when the 1960s-born crowd start dying out I should get worried

smacl

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

My dad was born a *hundred* years ago. 1920. Yes, I was born well into the second half of his life, but still...

We were just remarking today about how there's almost no 1920s people left.... just before I shook hands with my 1929 aunt. 1930s people are getting few... I suppose it's when the 1960s-born crowd start dying out I should get worried

There's still a few miles left in the tank for us 60s folk. Just don't eat the brown acid...

Glad to hear you got through the day ok and hope it helps draw a line under things to some small extent.

KWAG2019

My sympathies to all those in the thread who have suffered loss especially Hotblack very recently.