A story dreampt up while waking the other morning

fritzelly

So while waking up the other morning this ran thru my head - what do ya think (is this the right forum for it?)

I slowly rise from sleep, my eyes open.
Everything is blurry
But why is it so quiet - there are no cars driving by, no children laughing, no birds singing, no electrical humming
I clamber out of bed and make my way out of the bedroom to the hallway
I hear a scream, and again, so loud it must be right outside my door
I move to the door - it's already open, why is it open. Did I not close it last night? My head is so fuzzy.
I vaguely remember the drinks with friends last night - how much did I drink I think to myself?
I walk out in to the sunlight and hear the scream again, it sounds like it's coming from my right.
I turn towards it and can just about make out some people huddled together on the ground
Another scream draws me to the huddled mass
I walk slowly over to them - my head is pounding
I can just make out someone lying on the ground
I think it's a man
He is surrounded by people kneeling over him
It looks like he's trying to say something, his mouth opening and closing and a rasping sound emanating
I feel a cold chill run through my body
I start to feel numb, my arms and legs feel so heavy
I feel so hungry, my brain is screaming at me to eat
I can smell something, a smell that makes me feel so hungry
I kneel down by his head and move my head closer to his
My mouth opens as I bite down on his face

km85264

That period between sleep and wake can be an enormously creative and imaginative time and capturing your thoughts - they tend to fade very fast - is always an interesting exercise. The only problem is that the stream of consciousness often lacks coherence.
I think you have some lovely ideas that you could work with here, and your head is begging to use them in a story, but as it stands it really is just a dream sequence. Have a go at picking the highlights out and put them into a story.

Sheridan81

It's like stream of consciousness and it needs some paring, form and focus. More interesting subject matter to hold the reader's attention. It reminded me of Radiohead's video to their song "Just".