Couples who drink

iamtony

Hi lads, I'm part of a drinking tag team event with my missus. Usually I try to quit and try to drag her along with me but we usually end up blaming each other for making the other one drink. Or I say please if your drinking go and get some yourself, dont be sending me to get them. But I think she likes me to fail with her so she doesn't feel as bad.

She doesn't think we have a problem, I know we do. So basically I'm looking for advice from people in the same situation, in sure its common?

Sigma Force

iamtony wrote: »

Hi lads, I'm part of a drinking tag team event with my missus. Usually I try to quit and try to drag her along with me but we usually end up blaming each other for making the other one drink. Or I say please if your drinking go and get some yourself, dont be sending me to get them. But I think she likes me to fail with her so she doesn't feel as bad.

She doesn't think we have a problem, I know we do. So basically I'm looking for advice from people in the same situation, in sure its common?

It’s very common, but also very difficult to give up drinking when one always caves. It makes it so much harder. That’s why if you yourself for example want to really give up you have to do it for yourself, not for her..that’s her own battle to face you can’t do it for her and you’re too close to each other in a way to support each other. That support from each other may come later on once both are sober and working a programme. But addiction or habit is a very personal thing your reasons will not necessarily be the same as hers for drinking. It’s a real personal and individual thing to go through. You may need to slightly detach from her, start looking at it as a challenge for yourself rather than a challenge to see who will win or cave. To be honest you can’t help her unless she wants to help herself maybe she’s not there yet but it sounds like you are fed up with the stopping and starting. Maybe try some AA meetings on your own. If she wants to join fine but you might be more comfortable on your own first. Or one on one support/counselling/advice. This is your own personal battle I know it’s be nice to go into it together but addiction doesn’t work that way most of the time.

iamtony

Thanks that's a great reply.

Yes it's more me that want to quit full time, she only wants to drink less but it always returns to every night after a while.
Very tricky situation and yes you are right I've figured out that I need to do it myself and hopefully she will see how much she will be drinking on her own and it might give her some incentive to stop.

Thanks again.

woodenwonder

Iamtony well done on admitting you need to stop

I think you're going to have to go through the process of aa or rehab to do this.

I think your wife is a serperate problem that she herself needs to sort out. It would be great to get her support on this, but be prepared not to of it's going well for yoy
Honestly from the bottom of my heart I wish you luck. Imagine never waking up worrying about the night before or without hangovers!!

tdf7187

This thread is a few months old but will chime in in agreement with the poster immediately above me.

I am sure that it is indeed a common problem though not one that I personally have experienced. In the course of two treatments and 300 AA meetings I have heard all kinds of things about family dynamics and relationships, some good, some not so good. The usual advice for those in relationships in early sobriety is to try to stay in the relationship, for those who are not, don't seek a new relationship until two years sober. Easier said than done. Ultimately you have to do it for yourself. It would be unreasonable for you to demand that your partner also stops at the same time you do as she is a grown adult. But there is nothing wrong with gently encouraging her to consider stopping also. If you do get sober on your own then maybe she will see the improvements in your mood and general health and will want some of what you have.

Don't rule out inpatient treatment and/or AA (or similar fellowship, such as Lifering or Smart Recovery), a lot of people balk at both with the thought "sure I drink too much, but I'm not as bad as those people" and then a few years later come to the conclusion "oh s***, turns out I was that bad". People would be amazed at the high calibre of individuals I've encountered in rehab. Successful and in control in most areas of life, high achiever types more often than not, but powerless over alcohol (and/or other drugs). Won't get into name-dropping or breaching anonymity so will say no more.

s1ippy

I know that this is definitely the case with couples who take cocaine. A few of the lads briefly went with wans who were already married to the bag. Invariably they used the lad's own want for it to justify getting it every night of the week and it got very difficult to say no. I know alcohol is less addictive but it's easier to get. The routine gets built around the habit.

You're very sensible to have noticed the pattern, OP. I hope you manage to get the help you need. Your girlfriend needs to come to the realisation that she has a problem, maybe join a programme and she might be inspired by your good example, although the way you describe her wanting you to fail to justify her own lapses is a worryingly familiar tale to me.

tdf7187

s1ippy wrote: »

I know that this is definitely the case with couples who take cocaine. A few of the lads briefly went with wans who were already married to the bag. Invariably they used the lad's own want for it to justify getting it every night of the week and it got very difficult to say no. I know alcohol is less addictive but it's easier to get. The routine gets built around the habit.

You're very sensible to have noticed the pattern, OP. I hope you manage to get the help you need. Your girlfriend needs to come to the realisation that she has a problem, maybe join a programme and she might be inspired by your good example, although the way you describe her wanting you to fail to justify her own lapses is a worryingly familiar tale to me.

Yes have heard this regarding coke too. Fortunately have no direct experience. Seemingly it is psychologically v addictive. Don't know if it's more addictive than booze but will take your word for it. Personally I drank for three decades and didn't become properly alcoholic until probably the last 7 or 8 years of it. But the amount I drank would have turned anyone into an alcoholic. I wasn't addicted from the first drop, no way. I drank my way into it. I rarely hear of anyone who used cocaine or heroin for thirty years. They wouldn't have lasted that long. There might be the odd exception.

s1ippy

tdf7187 wrote: »

Yes have heard this regarding coke too. Fortunately have no direct experience. Seemingly it is psychologically v addictive. Don't know if it's more addictive than booze but will take your word for it. Personally I drank for three decades and didn't become properly alcoholic until probably the last 7 or 8 years of it. But the amount I drank would have turned anyone into an alcoholic. I wasn't addicted from the first drop, no way. I drank my way into it. I rarely hear of anyone who used cocaine or heroin for thirty years. They wouldn't have lasted that long. There might be the odd exception.

Fair few of the lads are 5-6 years on it fairly bad. I never tried it, I don't like people on it so I can't imagine it would suit me. I'm already a cúnt, I don't need an accelerant

You're right about the chemical addiction versus behavioral dependence. It's not as easy to buy five bags every day as it (was) to go out every night and have about forty five pints in about two hours. But if you have somebody suggesting you do it as the excuse for 50% of the time you can justify it to yourself and blame them.

I'm curtailing my drinking at the moment so I'm only having stuff I brew myself. It's a good way of limiting the intake and by feck do you enjoy it when you've waited for so long. My partner is going for most virtuous prick of the year and doesn't seem to be bothered by not drinking so it's my way of showing that I have a modicum of self control while knowing that I'll get the chance to have a blow-out down the line.

It's kind of still a form of passive aggression around drink though because I can't envisage a life where I completely quit.

tdf7187

s1ippy wrote: »

Fair few of the lads are 5-6 years on it fairly bad. I never tried it, I don't like people on it so I can't imagine it would suit me. I'm already a cúnt, I don't need an accelerant

Similarly I'm an opioniated argumentative c*** at the best of times, don't need any chemical 'assistance' with that. :pac:

s1ippy wrote: »

You're right about the chemical addiction versus behavioral dependence. It's not as easy to buy five bags every day as it (was) to go out every night and have about forty five pints in about two hours. But if you have somebody suggesting you do it as the excuse for 50% of the time you can justify it to yourself and blame them.

I'm curtailing my drinking at the moment so I'm only having stuff I brew myself. It's a good way of limiting the intake and by feck do you enjoy it when you've waited for so long. My partner is going for most virtuous prick of the year and doesn't seem to be bothered by not drinking so it's my way of showing that I have a modicum of self control while knowing that I'll get the chance to have a blow-out down the line.

It's kind of still a form of passive aggression around drink though because I can't envisage a life where I completely quit.

You don't sound like an alcoholic to me, so why not enjoy the odd blowout, would be my take just based on what you posted. Regarding the coke, it's the cost I can't get my head around, where do they get the money. My alcohol dependency had become financially cheap (though costly in other areas of my life), I was drinking cider at home, getting drunk every night (and day sometimes) for 'only' about €90 a week. The days of my drinking posh wine in fancy restaurants in town were long gone. And I don't even particularly miss them, fortunately.

s1ippy

Haha thanks for the vote of confidence man! Spoiler because this is the non drinking group,

I know what you mean about drinking on the cheap, I'll drink cans of galahad or tyskie for Ireland at the best of times. Not fussy at all. I've my own very dry cider home brew that I'm looking forward to having this weekend, with the week I'm having, I can't wait

The cokey fellas invariably end up owing a shedload of money. Three people I've known who borrowed money off everyone had to leave the county, one disappeared off the face of the earth entirely. A costly hobby to have. Also know one lad whose entire respiratory system is destroyed from it, he can hardly breathe now without bleeding from the face, and another whose stomach ulcers got so bad that he got organ damage. After a few months straight going wrong off the cha you might as well do a key of powdered acid.

Everything comes with health considerations but comparatively with the amount you end up taking as a coke addict, it's very fast damaging. Plus most of the time they're locked out of their faces when they're taking it so you've the additional damage the booze is doing too.

tdf7187

s1ippy wrote: »

The cokey fellas invariably end up owing a shedload of money. Three people I've known who borrowed money off everyone had to leave the county, one disappeared off the face of the earth entirely. A costly hobby to have. Also know one lad whose entire respiratory system is destroyed from it, he can hardly breathe now without bleeding from the face, and another whose stomach ulcers got so bad that he got organ damage. After a few months straight going wrong off the cha you might as well do a key of powdered acid.

Shocking but can't say I'm surprised. A lad I knew in rehab, he is electrician and was and is earning shedloads and didn't have any financial worries (unless he was bluffing about his financial status, which is possible), but his problem was still serious enough that he was taking it on his own at 5am in the morning, and serious enough to go to rehab (and then relapsed, like me on booze, so had to go back in for a 'refresher course').

iamtony

Interesting to see this thread revived after so long.

I'm still going through the same struggles between me and missus.
We didn't drink last night. We actually tend to have 1 or 2 nights off it a week before one of us cracks but still drink far too much. I still want to stop totally or go for the holy grail of just once a week but I don't think that ever works for anyone with addiction issues.
Anyway I was just about to text her that im off it now so please get yourself beers if you want them. There's nothing worse than been send shopping for the one thing you have a problem with:rolleyes:

tdf7187

Would you consider showing her this thread or would that likely be antagonistic?

iamtony

tdf7187 wrote: »

Would you consider showing her this thread or would that likely be antagonistic?

Murder:D

iamtony

iamtony wrote: »

Hi lads, I'm part of a drinking tag team event with my missus. Usually I try to quit and try to drag her along with me but we usually end up blaming each other for making the other one drink. Or I say please if your drinking go and get some yourself, dont be sending me to get them. But I think she likes me to fail with her so she doesn't feel as bad.

She doesn't think we have a problem, I know we do. So basically I'm looking for advice from people in the same situation, in sure its common?

There’s a very widely acclaimed 1962 film by Blake Edwards starring Lee Remick and Jack Lemmon named Days of Wine and Roses about a couple who drink together and what happens. Very poignant (and radical for its day), which has been a wake-up call for decades to people in that situation.

Best of luck.

iamtony

We're actually doing great off the drink the last while. We caved together Sunday just gone after 6 nights straight without and now back off, hopefully full time but I don't think that's gonna work I think she plans one night a week but if she can stick to that I'm delighted, it hasn't been discussed or anything so who know.
I'm in a great place and loving being off it so hopefully she feels the same.

woodenwonder

Hows it going Tony? Did you make it through the weekend.

Did your wife stick to one day a week?
Fingers crossed for you!

s1ippy

Yeah best of luck Tony man. Take pride in little victories!! If you can keep it to one day a week maybe when you're used to that you'll be able to reduce it to one a fortnight and then once a month... It's all about the habit. Doing something to replace it really helps too - crafts or games or sex or going out for walks or spins, whatever!