Whether to start an argument

Doubts1111

Hi all

This a situation where I know only I can make the final call, but I would just like some opinions. I actually set up this account to ask about something else, which was more serious, but I think I may have that one kind of sorted. Or else that may be another thread later!

So, with very brief details, this is a social media thing. Myself and my partner have been together for a few years, and neither of us are active on the likes of Facebook, Instagram, etc.

My partner was married before, and his old Facebook account is pretty much just picture of himself and his wife.

My sister told me that she found him on Facebook and invited him as a friend. I told this to him and asked just not to accept, as it would seem strange for her to be a friend on this old account with just his previous life.

He told me that was fine, but that there were no pictures of him and his wife on there, and that I got it wrong. It actually led to a small argument in itself.

So, I checked again, and yep - they are there.

It seems stupid, but these are pretty much the first pictures there. So, I should bring it up with him, but the last time I tried something similar, it escalated into a huge row, and we are back on a good track at the moment.

However, I know that, if I don’t say anything, I will probably say it later, which isn’t good.

I just want a bit of nice times without another argument, so I’m wondering what anybody else thinks. We are both under pressure with other stuff, so I am just head melted as to how to approach this correctly in our relationship.

Would welcome opinions - negative and positive! Thank you.

Edit to add: I would have no plans to go in all guns blazing, but to say, hey, I checked your FB page and those pictures are still there.

But from experience, I know this will lead to, at the least, ruining the nice times that we just got back to.

I’m answering my own questions here, as clearly we do not communicate well in disagreements, but, still, I’d love some other opinions or thoughts.

Final edit: The “Doubts” username and original question that I set it up for has nothing to do with the relationship.

Ok. No more edits!

Rosepetals85

If he never uses it, maybe he can deactivate it

Riskymove

when looking at a FB account of someone who is not a friend you generally just see old cover and profile pictures

so it could be that there is an old profile pic of the 2 of them and your partner does not realise

unless the account is fully open to public viewing but that is very rare in my experience

jarvis

If you have suspicions that he’s having a relationship with his ex wife then bring it up. If you think he isn’t and he doesn’t use Facebook then stop even looking. It’s irrelevant. If he’s talking of accepting the friend request he probably does still use it though as why else would he bother.

I think you only mention it if you suspect more deceit.

The divil in me would say click like on all of the photos with his wife in them. That’s probably not good advice though.

Doubts1111

Hi

Thank you both.

I wouldn’t ask him to deactivate the account, as that is his account!

The pictures are both in profile and in the pictures section. Can be viewed by anybody who is on FB.

I think the issue is that he categorically told me that these pictures weren’t there. In fact, he said I must have found them somewhere else. I even started questioning myself then, but, sure, I knew I wouldn’t have found them somewhere else, so I figured he would have deleted or hidden them after saying that.

We would have full trust in general, and it’s not like it’s a cheating issue.

Doubts1111

jarvis wrote: »

If you have suspicions that he’s having a relationship with his ex wife then bring it up. If you think he isn’t and he doesn’t use Facebook then stop even looking. It’s irrelevant. If he’s talking of accepting the friend request he probably does still use it though as why else would he bother.

I think you only mention it if you suspect more deceit.

The divil in me would say click like on all of the photos with his wife in them. That’s probably not good advice though.

Hey Jarvis

No - I don’t think it’s a cheating issue at all.

The thing is, something similar happened with his wedding pictures, where they were proudly displayed in his family’s home the first time I went to visit.

I said this to him, and he said that he would ask that they be moved for the next visit, but they were still there. When I asked about this, he said that he forgot.

I found out later that the family may think that I’m the reason for his marriage breakup (we met shortly after they separated - I didn’t know he was married (although separated) at the time, and he didn’t tell his family about the breakup for months - long after we had met). He told me later about the marriage and separation, but I didn’t know that his family didn’t know about his separation, I was blithely saying - yep, we met in June, etc., when they still think he was with his wife.

That was the first argument. He said that he doesn’t care what his family thinks as long as they know I make him happy. But I care what the family thinks!

So, it’s just something that is getting to me. The pictures, the lies about the FB. It’s annoying me, but I know it will blow up if I mention it.

Neyite

That's a tough one.

If his family and friends didn't know that he was separated in 'June' and to all intents and purposes he was married then you WERE the other woman - albeit unwittingly. It would be interesting to hear what date his wife considers the separation to have occurred, because it seems that he did overlap you both.

So the social media /wedding photos issue might be par for the course to be honest. Yes, having them there is disrespectful and lying to you about them is worse again. But you can't dictate to someone to erase their past, and you can't dictate that his mother remove photos from her wall in her own home. It's unfortunately a reminder of your relationship's murky beginnings and that's probably why it niggles at you because you've been cast by the family in a role of OW through no fault of your own - except - he lied to you then, he's lying about your facebook photos.

It's a small but insidious thing. In the grand scheme of things if you didn't walk when you found out he lied about being separated/ married /the date you got together, it's safe to say he's confident that you won't walk over lies he's telling you about old facebook photos, or his disrespect towards you for leaving his SM to reflect that he's happily married. For whatever reason (probably friends he's got on there) he's happy to leave them there to the point he lies to you about them and causes a massive argument to deter you from asking. You are tiptoeing around him.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

Doubts1111

Thanks Neyite and all

Just to clarify, he was married, but separated when we met. I didn’t know he was married at all at the beginning, but I do believe, and have reason to believe, that they were separated from their marriage at the point of us meeting.

He didn’t tell his family about the separation for months and months, so, the timeframe for them is a bit off. I get on well with his family, but when I found out that they may have thought that I was the OW, I was furious! The actual fact is that his wife cheated on him, but he didn’t want to tell them about it.

That was water under the bridge, but the FB thing is just, unexpected. I truly thought the pics would be gone. It’s a weird situation. It’s his page and his choice for sure. It was just that he told me that there were no pictures and there blatantly are. I suppose it’s just a case of when to say it. It will be another row. Which sucks.

woodchuck

The Facebook thing in isolation is no big deal, especially if he doesn't even use the account. I probably would've just given him the benefit of the doubt that he had just forgotten what photos he has on there.

However your updates shed a whole new light on this. He has a history of lying - to you and to his family. Personally I'd be wondering what else he is/was lying about.

Another worry is that you feel you can't talk to him about any issues without an argument.

As Neyite pointed out, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship

Neyite

That's made things a bit clearer.

You sound like you might have been a rebound/ retaliatory response to his wife cheating so it was irrelevant what his family thought of you, because it was all about showing the wife that he could move on, didn't care, yada yada. Maybe to prompt her into coming back or whatever, but she didn't. I don't think he thought you'd be on the scene for long. Except she didn't come back to him, so he continued on with you. The pictures are up on FB as a reminder - either to himself or he wants to remind his ex-wife of what they shared. Either way it's not a situation where your feelings or relationship status are priority for him.

If his wife turned up at his door tomorrow asking him back, what does your gut say his reaction would be? You don't have to put it on the thread if you don't want to. But to me the facebook photos seem to be leaving some sort of door ajar like he's not ready to close that chapter of his life yet...

Doubts1111

woodchuck wrote: »

The Facebook thing in isolation is no big deal, especially if he doesn't even use the account. I probably would've just given him the benefit of the doubt that he had just forgotten what photos he has on there.

However your updates shed a whole new light on this. He has a history of lying - to you and to his family. Personally I'd be wondering what else he is/was lying about.

Another worry is that you feel you can't talk to him about any issues without an argument.

As Neyite pointed out, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship

Thanks woodchuck

To be honest - everything else I could make sense of. The Facebook thing doesn’t make sense at all. That was just a lie, which I wasn’t expecting at all.

Doubts1111

Neyite wrote: »

That's made things a bit clearer.

You sound like you might have been a rebound/ retaliatory response to his wife cheating so it was irrelevant what his family thought of you, because it was all about showing the wife that he could move on, didn't care, yada yada. Maybe to prompt her into coming back or whatever, but she didn't. I don't think he thought you'd be on the scene for long. Except she didn't come back to him, so he continued on with you. The pictures are up on FB as a reminder - either to himself or he wants to remind his ex-wife of what they shared. Either way it's not a situation where your feelings or relationship status are priority for him.

If his wife turned up at his door tomorrow asking him back, what does your gut say his reaction would be? You don't have to put it on the thread if you don't want to. But to me the facebook photos seem to be leaving some sort of door ajar like he's not ready to close that chapter of his life yet...

Hey Neyite

Yes - when I did find out about the marriage, I thought the same regarding rebound. In fact, I told him that wasn’t ready for a relationship, but then we did end up in one.

I did ask if he would get back with her if she was willing, but he said he would not - but it seems that it was the ex wife’s choice. She split up with him after cheating, and decided to go on with the new guy.

This is what I have gleaned from our conversations on this.

It sounds like I’m some weak person here, but I’m really not. We all have our histories, and it’s great if we can move on, but it’s just the lie that threw me.

And - you are so spot on - we met initially just for something casual, and neither of us thought it would lead to something serious.

Neyite

You don't sound weak at all.

A much more normal response from him would have been "gosh, I haven't logged on to facebook in ages, yikes, better delete those asap, eh?"
But he lied to you about the photos. And when you pointed out his lie, he went ballistic. Now you are hesitant to bring up the photos again in case it results in an argument again.

That's why I would also begin to question everything he's told you. Whatever about lies early on when you both thought you were casual or whatever, you aren't now. You are a long term partner deserving of honesty.

tara73

for me it sounds he doesn't want the 'outside world' to know he's not together anymore with his wife, that his marriage failed. He seems to see it like that, hence him getting angry and denying the pics are there when you confront him about it.

He seems weird or complicated tbh or at least he doesn't seem to be over the break up of his marriage.

I also wouldn't like this 'lying and getting angry about things to discuss character type'.

eviltwin

I'd be really upset that my partner is happy for his family to think I was having an affair with him that led to the breakup of his marriage. Saying he's okay with it without regard to how it makes you feel and look doesn't give me much confidence that he has your back.

nikkibikki

eviltwin wrote: »

I'd be really upset that my partner is happy for his family to think I was having an affair with him that led to the breakup of his marriage. Saying he's okay with it without regard to how it makes you feel and look doesn't give me much confidence that he has your back.

Yes, that was my initial thoughts on it too. He might not care what they think, but I would care about this and would make them aware even if he didn't. It's your information as well as his so share itbas you wish OP.

About the FB thing. Could they be photos that someone else tagged him in years ago? As in he doesn't think he has photos there as he didn't upload them. But if someone else tagged him, they'd be on his page?

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

I'd be really upset that my partner is happy for his family to think I was having an affair with him that led to the breakup of his marriage. Saying he's okay with it without regard to how it makes you feel and look doesn't give me much confidence that he has your back.

This would be my thinking as well, OP. He should care what his family thinks of you. He should want them to know that you had no part in his relationship ending.

How long were they separated before you two got together?

That it was his wife to end things, to walk away, isn't great. I don't know, I'd proceed with caution if I were you. The fact that you titled your post "whether to start an argument" says a lot. You're allowed to have a conversation with your boyfriend about things that are worrying you - without him losing it and without you being worried about it causing a fight. Personally, there are a lot of red flags here for me.

If I were in your shoes and my boyfriend wasn't correcting his family about the end of his marriage and was happy for them to think I was the other woman, then that would result in a swift breakup. No way would I stand for that disrespect.

Dog day

Hi OP, as is often the way with posters seeking advice here there understandably seem to be many more issues other than your original concern regarding Facebook.

Forgive me for stating the obvious but the end of a marriage can be massively distressing for all involved and it would appear to me that your partner could possibly be still working his way through his feelings on that. It doesn’t however automatically diminish his feelings for you or heighten his feelings for his ex. It also absolutely doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be respected as his current partner nor is it remotely acceptable for him to allow his family to incorrectly suspect that you may have been a causative factor in his marriage breaking down.

I believe your concerns over the Facebook issue are evidence of much deeper trust issues you have.

You need to again attempt to have an honest conversation with him about how you’re currently feeling & try not to get into specifics that may come across as petty no matter how reasonable they actually are. (As an aside I’m of the opinion that social media causes more ills than it cures!)

There are much bigger questions to ask here. Start with looking inward & be honest with yourself about what you actually want from this relationship keeping in mind that he is always going to have had a past before you.

From what you’ve told us so far he is blatantly disrespecting you & has proven himself to be untruthful on occasion too.

Only you can decide what your ‘dealbreakers’ are but with proven lies & without trust you’re already on rocky ground here.

jimmycrackcorm

Op. I'm in the position of your partner. Separated and with someone else. I have my preexisting Facebook account that I stopped using but for reasons nothing to do with my relationships.
I won't deactivate it or delete as it records my history of both me, wife and family.


I cannot understand why you are upset about his Facebook account. It's his history and why should he wipe it out?

The whole thing about denying about having photos of his wife on it is neither here nor there. Its easily searchable but why are you obsessed with knowing if this unused account contains photos of them together?

Doubts1111

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Op. I'm in the position of your partner. Separated and with someone else. I have my preexisting Facebook account that I stopped using but for reasons nothing to do with my relationships.
I won't deactivate it or delete as it records my history of both me, wife and family.


I cannot understand why you are upset about his Facebook account. It's his history and why should he wipe it out?

The whole thing about denying about having photos of his wife on it is neither here nor there. Its easily searchable but why are you obsessed with knowing if this unused account contains photos of them together?

Hi Jimmy

Just to reply, it is not an issue of having pictures there - I have said that it is absolutely his choice. My preference would have been not to accept my sister’s request, and leave it be.

His response was that there were no wedding pictures, which was incorrect.

That’s it.

But thanks for your reply.

nikkibikki

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

The whole thing about denying about having photos of his wife on it is neither here nor there. Its easily searchable but why are you obsessed with knowing if this unused account contains photos of them together?

Neither here nor there? Why lie? That's the crux of it, the fact he lied.

the14thwarrior

open a facebook account, or open his, and show him the pictures and say the pictures are still here and you said they were gone. and you lied.
if you want to start an argument, start one, and get it off your chest regarding the lie.
how you argue is up to you, in the end it is not an argument, but a statement that you lied and it upset me. the sensible thing would be to calmly state this, and shut up and wait for his explanation. and tell him you are upset he lied.

if you hold your tongue and listen to him, wait for his response, instead of turning into an arguement of everything else, you will miss his response.

in the name of god, in this day and age, he can't expect to get away with such an obvious lie, so there is something going on. he may be just a bit stupid and stubborn. i don't know.