Advice on insecurity

LegacyUser

I’m gonna try and keep this short rather than ramble on and on.
I’m 29[F]... Long story short, anytime I’ve liked or dated a man, I leave my brain at home and become a hopeless romantic type, who becomes jealous and insecure. I have often become heavily invested if I like a particular man and tend to put all my eggs in his basket and obsess, rather than keep my cool and date others.
If I fancy someone or start dating them, they’ll occupy my thoughts all day and I’ll also overanalyse texts and social media.
I would of been hurt a lot when I was younger (in hindsight, I was equally to blame due to my insecurity and ignoring obvious red flags) by different lads who cheated on me which had led me to have feelings of “not being good enough” as they wouldn’t have sex with me but well capable of having it with another girl while I was with them as I often found out. These experiences gave me a very negative outlook on relationships, dating, sex and my body confidence also took a nose dive.. I became quite down and swore off dating until I felt more mature..

Anyway, I have worked on my career/confidence/body and have matured in all areas except this. I wanted to jump back into dating as I want to meet someone.
I have been on a few dates here and there lately and old insecurities and paranoia/jealously have reared their ugly heads again. I can feel them brewing under the surface and just wondering how I can keep a handle on it so I can actually enjoy dating and sex and be in the present without having 100 worries...such as the next girl around the corner, feelings of second best/not good enough or how he views me etc etc

Any advice on reigning in my racing mind and insecurities?
Thanks.

The White Feather

Its great that you have worked on all the other areas of your life and I would suggest to try and work on this part too.You are off to a good start already as you see the pattern and want to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand again.

Most of the worries that you listed are things that you have no control over such as the next girl, how he views you or will he like you etc

You have no control over that so its wasted energy and leaves you open to over compensating and then you are vulnerable. People can take advantage and of course we don't want that.

I am plagued by these thoughts too but I have learned to just forget about them as I can't do anything about them. If he is thinking about his last or next girl then he is a guy you shouldn't even want.If he views you as something you are clearly not then he isn't worth your trouble. Will he like me? If he doesn't then so what? You don't want a guy that you have to "make" like you. He should like you for who you are already and not be trying to change you into the last girlfriend or something he thinks he will like better.

I have found that just living in the here and now helps. If you are on a date and all these thoughts come at you, try to forget about them and think of going with the flow. Don't try to think and analyse as the date is ongoing. So you are not constantly looking to see if I look ok or did I say the right thing....or oops I shouldn't have said that now he thinks xyz.

Same when the date ends. Obviously we all have a think on how things went but after a short period, move on. Don't keep reading his texts for clues. If ye are meeting up in a few days try to say to yourself, we will see what happens then. Then move on and do and think about other things.

React when things happen rather than thinking about what you will do if and when he says something or messaging you.

Keep trying to calm down and take a step back if you feel you are rushing too quick and getting a little bit fixated. Head off to the gym or shops or whatever you like to do to unwind. If he likes you he will be waiting for your reply anyway!

Remember he won't be the only guy out there so there is no need to cling to him like a life preserver!!

Hope this helps!!

2 fast

Would you try coaching or such to help you with this it might help overcome the blocks that are manifesting when it comes to relationships?