Do I tell my boyfriend

Traceyfinn00

Hello I'm looking for some advice please.....I'm dating a man for a few months now all going good....I met him online and was honest that I had a facial disfigurement but told him I'd be having surgery to fix it but I lied as I thought he would not like me if I told him there is no surgery to repair the damage as it's not fixable......should I come clean and tell the truth or keep up the pretences it can be fixed I feel awful for lieing

ILoveYourVibes

Have you met him in person?

I don't think it matters if he likes you. Tell him if you want to. I don't think its a big deal though.

Don't feel bad OP you didn't do anything bad. I am sure it will be fine.

Lyan

How long do you think you can delay getting it "fixed'?

ILoveYourVibes

Tell him you have changed your mind ...you don't want the surgery and have accepted yourself as you are.

If it matters to him he's not worth it.

Tell him you’ve had confirmation now from specialists that surgery won’t correct it.

Tell him you’re worried that he may change his mind but that you know it’s only fair to let hime make that decision for himself.

Ask him to let you down gently in that case but to do so NOW if that’s something that he needs to do.

Tracey, the way this guy responds will tell you if he’s a good man or not. You’ll see for yourself if he’s kind, compassionate and capable of depth and of good character.

If he is, you’ll know it. Be gentle on yourself and in future, always truthful with him and others. It’s easier to see if they’re the sort of people you want in your life when you can judge how they react to a true you.

Traceyfinn00

No I've had multiple surgeries all unsuccessful so theres no more to try it's a visible disfigurement so not easy to hidehe met me this way and accepted but lately has been asking me when it's getting fixed and I was afraid to say never I suppose it will rule out if he is accepting of it or not

seenitall

Hi OP,

If you are who I think you are, i.e. someone who has already posted on this sub on the issue of your disfigurement several times, your bad recent marriage with a user, and most recently again on a guy who treats you badly, after all the good advice you always get on all your threads, I have to say it seems to me you are taking absolutely nothing of it in.

I really feel for you as there is so much desperation and loneliness screaming from your threads, even disregarding all the others and taking just this one into consideration - seriously?! Your determination to get a guy and hold onto a guy by any means possible will be a big red flag for any healthy person looking for a healthy relationship. You don't start a relationship with a lie, especially not as big a lie as that. No good can come of it. Now, in this instance, you will be much better off without this man in your life, as he has already rejected you in a way and you seem to be still hanging in there like a lost puppy looking for his attention and validation. Am I right? Desperation is so so off putting, OP. As long as you are holding on to crumbs of attention from various assholes you seem to attract with your total lack of self-care and self-respect, you will get no joy, no love, no peace of mind.

You need to spend a good amount of time with just yourself in the picture, learning to love yourself, before you are ready to make a healthy choice of partner for yourself. Anything else is just quick fixes with assorted scumbags, leading to more and more and more pain for yourself. You HAVE TO break that cycle.

But you've been told all this before, many times, and yet you're here again with a variation on the same old story, so I won't be holding my breath

I went kinda indepth here as there is someone I know who is pretty much in the same frame of mind as you and it is absolutely horribly, infuriatingly frustrating to watch them wreck their life on a wrong choice after wrong choice. Years, and decades, of fighting, splitting, pining, loneliness, high drama, extreme misery. Is that really what you are going to choose? Think about that.

Love starts with loving yourself, not with hanging off any a-hole that will have you. If you think they are doing you a bl00dy favour by deigning to be with you in spite of your disfigurement, well guess what, so will they. Your desperation makes you a perfect target for selfish users.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. I really hope it sinks in at some point.

Lyan

Geez just tell the truth plain and simple. That's the right answer and it's no more complicated than that.

JayZeus

JayZeus wrote: »

Tell him you’ve had confirmation now from specialists that surgery won’t correct it.

Tell him you’re worried that he may change his mind but that you know it’s only fair to let hime make that decision for himself.

Ask him to let you down gently in that case but to do so NOW if that’s something that he needs to do.

Tracey, the way this guy responds will tell you if he’s a good man or not. You’ll see for yourself if he’s kind, compassionate and capable of depth and of good character.

If he is, you’ll know it. Be gentle on yourself and in future, always truthful with him and others. It’s easier to see if they’re the sort of people you want in your life when you can judge how they react to a true you.

OP, I have absolutely no idea what way you should go about this. But if I were in your situation, I'd just be honest and say you were nervous about it and lied.


But I do have to laugh a bit at this post I've quoted.. OP feels bad about lying, and your advice is to make the lie bigger, and it will always be something then that he might ask about or try to rectify for OP by going to different doctors.. He will assume she would like it fixed and will try to help.

And you say his reaction to this additional bunch of lies will determine his character. I mean, you're right, but it just reads funny.

Xterminator

Hi OP

If it was me, that you were dating i would personally have more of a problem with you being dishonest than the facial disfigurement issue. Would you like to have a relationship with someone who lies to you? Of course not. If you come clear one of 2 things will happen,

he will understand at appreciate your honesty in coming clear.

He wont understand, and it wont be your facial issue that has caused the relationship issue.

I would tell him it was your insecurities that led you to mislead him, because that is true, and because hopefully he will understand where you are coming from.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

OP, I have absolutely no idea what way you should go about this. But if I were in your situation, I'd just be honest and say you were nervous about it and lied.


But I do have to laugh a bit at this post I've quoted.. OP feels bad about lying, and your advice is to make the lie bigger, and it will always be something then that he might ask about or try to rectify for OP by going to different doctors.. He will assume she would like it fixed and will try to help.

And you say his reaction to this additional bunch of lies will determine his character. I mean, you're right, but it just reads funny.

Encouraging someone having a rough time with an aspect of their life versus point scoring against another poster. Well done.

Traceyfinn00

Well I suppose I feel like it's not anybody's business when dating a person I mean it's either accept it and say noting and let me deal with it my own way

wirelessdude01

You've dug yourself quite a hole. Personally wouldn't like how you lied but the red flag for me is that you feel the need to lie in the first place. You aren't giving people the chance to take you at face value(pardon the pun). You a
Ready create a wall or barrier by lying to them. You need to ask why you feel the need to lie to people?

SusieBlue

Regardless of your omission, based on your previous threads this man doesn't have an ounce of respect for you and this relationship is doomed.

He is so nasty and vindictive towards you, he has manipulated you, and this is what you're worried about? This is just another example of how he is no good for your self worth.

Even if you hadn't been lying, pressuring someone you've been seeing for all of 3 months about how soon they'll be getting surgery to fix a disfigurement is highly inappropriate.

He complains that you're loud and annoying, comments negatively on your weight, slut shames you for sleeping with him so early, and puts you on probation until you appease him. Now this too?
He either accepts you or he doesn't. And he very clearly does not accept you for the wonderful person you are.

So why on earth are you breaking yourself and beating yourself up to please a man you will never be enough for? You are going to end up mentally in a very dark place unless you stop giving your time and energy to men who are being emotionally abusive towards you.

Traceyfinn00

I told him the truth I lied because of my own insecurities thinking he wouldn't like me if I told the truth so he said he could of accepted the disfigurement but not the lie so he said it's best we end thing

Xterminator

Hi Op

hope you are dealing with this breakup okay.

Take your time, and be kind to yourself. if you feel sh|t, tell yourself that it is okay to not feel great every day. Try to occupy your free time constructively and if you have some friend and family members to confide in, use your support network ifyou need it.

I didn't see you earlier threads, but every single expereince you go through in your life can offer you an opportunity to grow as a person. Take on board any lessons from this relationship. Resolve that the same mistakes wont be made next time, in the next chapter of your life. you will emerge a stronger wiser version of yourself at the end of the process!

Traceyfinn00

Call what nonsense

Traceyfinn00

What are you saying is nonsense

afterglow

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

If you are who I think you are, i.e. someone who has already posted on this sub on the issue of your disfigurement several times, your bad recent marriage with a user, and most recently again on a guy who treats you badly, after all the good advice you always get on all your threads, I have to say it seems to me you are taking absolutely nothing of it in.

I really feel for you as there is so much desperation and loneliness screaming from your threads, even disregarding all the others and taking just this one into consideration - seriously?! Your determination to get a guy and hold onto a guy by any means possible will be a big red flag for any healthy person looking for a healthy relationship. You don't start a relationship with a lie, especially not as big a lie as that. No good can come of it. Now, in this instance, you will be much better off without this man in your life, as he has already rejected you in a way and you seem to be still hanging in there like a lost puppy looking for his attention and validation. Am I right? Desperation is so so off putting, OP. As long as you are holding on to crumbs of attention from various assholes you seem to attract with your total lack of self-care and self-respect, you will get no joy, no love, no peace of mind.

You need to spend a good amount of time with just yourself in the picture, learning to love yourself, before you are ready to make a healthy choice of partner for yourself. Anything else is just quick fixes with assorted scumbags, leading to more and more and more pain for yourself. You HAVE TO break that cycle.

But you've been told all this before, many times, and yet you're here again with a variation on the same old story, so I won't be holding my breath

I went kinda indepth here as there is someone I know who is pretty much in the same frame of mind as you and it is absolutely horribly, infuriatingly frustrating to watch them wreck their life on a wrong choice after wrong choice. Years, and decades, of fighting, splitting, pining, loneliness, high drama, extreme misery. Is that really what you are going to choose? Think about that.

Love starts with loving yourself, not with hanging off any a-hole that will have you. If you think they are doing you a bl00dy favour by deigning to be with you in spite of your disfigurement, well guess what, so will they. Your desperation makes you a perfect target for selfish users.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. I really hope it sinks in at some point.

hi OP
I simply had to quote this post, because, its bloody amazing, I couldn't have put the sentiments here as eloquently as seenitall has
when I tell you what I'm going to now, bear in mind I'm disabled as well. I have a sensory impairment ( no vision )
I am not so nervous anymore, but there was a time, when I'd talk to people on apps and stuff, and dread the ' I've something to tell you ' part of the conversation
I was pursued a few years back, by someone, where i worked at the time **bad idea now I know* but anyway
I couldn't believe my luck. This amazing, socialist ideal holding, funny, intelligent guy, wanted to be with me, yes me! In spite of the fact I couldn't see, and was basically no use to anyone much, what did I do to deserve this? I wondered
the first or second time i stayed at his place, I did something particularly intimate with him, and you know what he did afterwards? He brought me water, to drink, from a plastic cup, and when I asked why? He said he didn't want me to break his glasses!
He also made comments about how people who can't see, shouldn't have kids, if we do, we shouldn't be left by ourselves with them, that we ' stunt ' children's growth, because they have to grow up accommodating our disabilities
he took money from me which I've never gotten back, he has never apologised at all for anything he ever did
now, don't get me wrong. Yourself and myself, we're dealing with completely different bees, hives wax. But what seenitall aluded to in the wonderfuly crafted post above, the wanting someone to be with, and going to any lengths to get it, feeling like you're ' lucky ' to have someone be with you in spite of your disability, that was me too
So i echo what has been said above
i think self love, particularly if we feel broken and like we don't fit in, is not easy, but we have to stop thinking, that we're not worthy of love and kindness, and just basic human dignity
Tbh, I'm not even the one with your disability, and if someone asked me what that guy asked you, even if you were having surgery to fix it, it doesn't even matter that you can't, what would offend and upset me, is that he's obviously bothered enough to ask.
After what I've been through, the minute I got an incling of someone not being ok with me not seeing, I would just say, that I know its inconvenient, and I don't need someone who's supposed to be a friend, confidant, partner, thinking its inconvenient as well, and I'd rather be by myself thank you very much!
I feel so sorry for you, I really do, like I say, I'm not in the same exact situation, but I think I have a pretty good understanding
Anyone who asks disgusting questions like that, whether you mentioned it in the first place or not, is just vile honestly
i can't hide my disability because any date I go on, I'm going to show up with a cane or a dog, not to mention looking like I'm typing on a phone that isn't even on! lol so I don't have your exact issue, but I use people's reactions when I tell them, as a barometer for what kind of person the person I'm talking to is, and if the reaction is genuine, curiosity etc, no bother with that, and I'll answer blind related questions all the day
being patronising or anything else, I have no time for
I pray you can take on board what's said, you can't meet the person who will love and cherish you, and know they are lucky to have you, if you're hanging around all these egits!
Very best of luck to you x

qwerty13

The short of it is that you value yourself so little that you have a repeating pattern of getting intimately involved with guys who treat you like absolute cr*p.

This screams that you need to work on you. As in how you value yourself.

In my opinion, the issues you’ve raised over various threads / usernames are symptomatic of your view of yourself. As in, while I wholeheartedly agree that you’ve been treated badly - the big bad question is WHY. And my assertion is that you keep letting this happen, because there’s underlying issues that you aren’t dealing with, which make you too accepting of being treated badly.

Of course, feel free to disagree. But I genuinely think what I’ve said is worth you considering that I might have a bit of a point

SusieBlue

You also need to address the fact that its really damaging and unhealthy for your children to see you being treated like this over and over.
Its going to warp their view of what a normal, respectful relationship and I hate to say it but its very likely they'll end up resenting you for it when they're older if it continues like this.
Focus on your children and please don't get involved with another man until you've made some serious progress with a therapist.

ILoveYourVibes

Op you deserve a guy that will accept you as you are and doesn't need you to lie. Someone who makes you feel secure.

qwerty13 wrote: »

T the big bad question is WHY.

Because she has a disfigurement ...and she has probably been treated differently all of her life because of it. She is probably used to being ostracized because of the way she looks. Try and empathize for god's sake. Use your imagination.


Are people really this lacking in common sense?

People with disfigurements usually have bad self esteem.

They are the kid who was ostracized at school or the young adult who was at college because of how they looked.

There are no princesses or models in magazines with disfigurements.

How would YOU be affected if you had a disfigurement.

You might think after years of people not paying you attention that you were lucky to be with someone anyone.

I think if we can't relate we can empathize.

OP you are worth so much more than this stupid guy. He's meaningless.

You can do better.

Change the story ......in your head. You are not the way people treat you.

You need a better self image and that requires forming a diff identity and future from the one the world tells people who are different.

Have HIGHER expectations in life ...and higher standards for you and your family.

qwerty13

You need to reread my post Vibes

qwerty13

Vibes, you were actually very insulting to me, and also to the OP. Can you please reread what I said. I do think my substantive point is the same as yours, albeit mine is quite a bit less word salad.

I actually think you were far far harsher to the OP than me. You used your words in quite a brutal way re her situation, having no idea if you were correct or not.

I think you really should reread my post, and reevaluate your reply, and your treatment of the OP.

ILoveYourVibes

Op have you been to some kind of therapy for your disfigurement?


A lot of people with disfigurement suffer from body dysmorphia BDD. In that they imagine it to be bigger than it is.

Would you consider going to someone about it or a group?

I think you need support.

You also need to be honest with yourself.

When you are vulnerable. You DO NOT attract good people.

You have to talk about your emotions and insecurities surrounding your face with someone and be honest about how its affected you.

Then you can be kinder to yourself.

You can arm yourself with the tools to make better decisions.

You have to be pickier. That might be scary because you might not end up with anyone. But trust me even if you end up alone you STILL have to be pickier.

You have to be cockier. You have to be more confident. And it has to be real.

So teach yourself the story society never taught you ....that someone with a disfigurement is BEAUTIFUL.

Leave the past in the past now. Good luck.xxx