Something I couldn't control (poem)

hgfj

Something I couldn't control
snuck into my bed one night
and wrapped itself around me.

Something grave caressed my soul,
deep and dark and sensuous,
almost took my breath away.

At first I tried to fight it
by chanting incantations,
reciting childhood prayers,

invoking ancient guardians
to rise in righteous fury
to battle with the bogey.

But no-one heard, no-one came.
My pleas were spoke in vain.
Those bastards died years ago.

And so instead I succumbed
as the humming silence stirred
such wondrous contemplations

as befits a nobler soul.
I waited in seclusion,
in silence and in darkness,

waited as an embryo
who waits for something nameless...







Critique appreciated.

km85264

Howdy
As I’ve said elsewhere, I’m not really one for poetry. I like the allusion, or what I presume to be the allusion of the piece, of night terrors becoming something physical that crawls into your bed. I don’t feel that you have a consistent style throughout, maybe that’s just me, but sentences like “as befits a nobler soul” and “Those bastards died years ago” just jar for me in the context of the rest of the language.
Have you done the thing of reading through over and over, then let it sleep for a month and read again? I think you have the core of a very strong poem but for me it needs a bit of honing.
Kieran

ILoveYourVibes

Love it!

Maybe though. You don't have to point it out so much. Leave it more unsaid more mysterious.

More intimate detail but more mysterious. Like a Catherine Mansfield short story. You don't understand the situation but you feel personally involved.

The above sounds TOTALLY paradoxical! I am not explaining myself correctly.


In between night and day ...in the grey area.

I LOVE the jarred effect of those bastards died years ago. I thought it woke me up. Perfectly placed.

Invoking parents my grandparents , ancient guardians to rise in ancient fury.
Saying childhood rhymes or were they prayers?
But no-one heard, no-one came.
My pleas were spoke in vain.
But no one came those bastards died years ago.

Im not saying exactly these words or ideas.

Your version is prob better actually.

I really love it though.

Sheridan81

I think it's a decent poem. I don't like line one and three in this verse.

"Something grave caressed my soul,
deep and dark and sensuous,
almost took my breath away."

"Caressed my soul" sounds like something a romantic poet would write in the 19th century. "Almost took my breath away" is just cliche and reminds me of the song by Berlin.

I really like the placement of "Those bastards died years ago" too; it's a strong change of tone which startles. On first reading, I thought this poem was about child abuse.

On second reading...yes, that's what still springs to mind. I might be totally off-base however, in which case, maybe it's not achieving what you set out to achieve.

hgfj

No, it's not about child abuse, though I can see how it might be interpreted that way. More about fear of life, fear of reality, fear of the future, fear of my own thoughts. (I think.)