Grieving as an atheist

Before I start, a bit of background. I come from a very catholic upbringing and have great respect for the beliefs of others, unfortunately for me I am what I describe as a reluctant atheist.

I lost my father very suddenly without warning 2 years ago, he was in his early 60s.

Grieving is difficult enough when you believe that there is something after this life. At least you have the hope of being reunited one day.

But how do you accept your grief as an atheist, when you let a person go, they’re gone and that’s it.........

NIMAN

It's tough but you simply have to accept it I'm afraid, there is no way of sugar coating it.

I have lost a parent too. Bit younger than you.

Do I think I'll meet them again for a big family get together? No I don't.

Did I grieve? Yes I did. I had about 6 very tough months. But you just have to get on with it. If you're an atheist then you know there's only this life, and you have to live it, for your family, your partner, your mum, brothers and sisters. You can still have fond memories that'll make you smile, laugh, glad you had the time. But also accept you have a lot of living left to do, and that's what your father would have wanted.

If you are still grieving after 2 years, have you considered counselling?

NickNickleby

NIMAN wrote: »

It's tough but you simply have to accept it I'm afraid, there is no way of sugar coating it.

I have lost a parent too. Bit younger than you.

Do I think I'll meet them again for a big family get together? No I don't.

Did I grieve? Yes I did. I had about 6 very tough months. But you just have to get on with it. If you're an atheist then you know there's only this life, and you have to live it, for your family, your partner, your mum, brothers and sisters. You can still have fond memories that'll make you smile, laugh, glad you had the time. But also accept you have a lot of living left to do, and that's what your father would have wanted.

If you are still grieving after 2 years, have you considered counselling?

That's a nice post, NIMAN.
OP , I'm a dad in my sixties, and I always tell my adult children that the aim should be , to let the happy memories outshine the sadness of a loved ones passing. I'm sure your dad would want the same.

JackTaylorFan

I lost a close friend this year to suicide. As an atheist, it's tough. I wish I had faith in something, and after his death, I did question my believe (or lack thereof), but I am resigned to the fact there is nothing after death.

My advice would be different if it was a friend rather than your father, but it's important for me to remember the bad times as well as the good, so I don't romanticize them in death too much. Not even sure that will even make sense, to be honest.

Sorry for your loss, nonetheless

Snotty

Slightly opposite, lost my father when he was 58 and that pushed me away from any belief. Other siblings do have some belief and I actually don't think it made it any easier to grieve, unfortunately he was gone and even if you believed you might see him again some day in the distant future, you don't have him now and you won't have him for all the milestones to come, that is the hardest part and no amount of belief can change him not being there for those moments.

SnowyMuckish

SnowyMuckish wrote: »

Before I start, a bit of background. I come from a very catholic upbringing and have great respect for the beliefs of others, unfortunately for me I am what I describe as a reluctant atheist.

I lost my father very suddenly without warning 2 years ago, he was in his early 60s.

Grieving is difficult enough when you believe that there is something after this life. At least you have the hope of being reunited one day.

But how do you accept your grief as an atheist, when you let a person go, they’re gone and that’s it.........

Sorry for your loss, it's a tough battle.

I have faith but even with faith, I think it's important to realise (and this took me a long time to see) that you never "get over" losing a parent, you learn to adapt and cope with the new reality. It's ok to miss them, it's ok to observe your own feelings and say, "yes, i am feeling this because I miss someone I love very much", but also remember your father would much rather you remembered him for the love you have for him, not the loss you feel for him.

I use the present tense (love as opposed to loved) because I do feel you carry that love with you, and it's (for me) as real as can be still.

Loveinapril

I have been thinking about this recently as I have a seriously ill family member in hospital. I have been thinking how much easier it would be if I believed that they were "going to a better place" etc. I just remind myself that there is one life, and we all only have a certain amount of breaths before its all over. It is heartbreaking, but grief is. I am sorry you are still struggling with the death of your dad but I agree with the other poster that recommended counselling. It may help you work through your feelings a bit more.

Bob Harris

SnowyMuckish wrote: »

But how do you accept your grief as an atheist, when you let a person go, they’re gone and that’s it.........

This might sound a bit trite but once you think about and still love a person who has died then in your own way you still keep them alive whatever your religious persuasion is or lack of it.

LegacyUser

I lost my father 10 years ago. It was very sudden and a shock and it took me a long time to be able to function after. I still miss him of course. I have well meaning family who will from time to time make comments like 'he's looking down at you' etc etc and I don't reply as I know they mean well and it brings them comfort to believe that. While i don't believe and don't find those comments a comfort to me, I focus on making sure I remember my dad now. We do live in on not by some magic man in the sky but by the memories of our family and friends.

seenitall

I grew up in a Catholic (but hugely disfunctional) home, but looking back I have always been more of a 'natural' atheist - that is, I've always had a difficulty imagining an afterlife, and what is difficult to imagine doesn't seem real, and eventually it becomes impossible to believe in.

I've had a couple of early losses of grandparents, and then some more in my twenties. I was just reflecting on all this recently. Whenever I go to their graves, there are some other people's names there, too. My ancestors, whom I've never known, and who have meant nothing to me. Then one day, there will be my name there, too. And some other woman, my grand-granddaughter maybe, will perhaps be looking at my name and that is all the thought that she, or anyone, will ever give me again. Dust to dust, that is all there is to it, OP, That's how I feel about it and I find a lot of acceptance in myself about it for some reason. It is kind of comforting to know that I am just a tiny part in the life's great wheel, it feels immersive and makes me appreciate every single day I spend above ground.

I like eating good food, drinking nice stuff, sleeping, breathing in the cold morning air, hugging my child and helping her with homework, laughing, having a good rant or a cry, I like traveling Europe, streaming a good movie, reading some great literature (there is for example some Shakespeare, who was a very wise man, under quotation marks below), having a bar-stool chat with a good friend. I like going somewhere snowy in winter.

And I believe that is all there is.

This is it for us all, and isn't it wonderful?

If we were more appreciative of the joy that just being alive can offer us, I think we would be less sad about our dearest people that leave us at, say, some advanced enough ages, as we would be appreciative that they had their turn at it, as well. Does this make any sense to you?

I don't know, I just find an innate acceptance in myself about these things, so I've tried to convey that, from the point of view of an atheist. Observing both the religious people and atheists around me, I've come to the conclusion that at the base of religion is a fear of physical and emotional pain, and a fear of death, and that once you have integrated those two fears as organic parts of your human condition, you will find you don't feel a need for a religion any longer. You just accept the being and the not being for what they are.

Death is a part of life. "Out, out, brief candle." As parents, we take our children's hands and we go a part of their life-path with them. But, ideally, we won't be there for the entirety of their journey. And that's how it should be. In fact, I think it's a pretty good setup, when all is said and done.

ManOfMystery

I am a similarly what you would call a 'reluctant atheist'.

Death an incredibly difficult thing to process. That all the things that make up a person's being and that you love - their humour, wit, intelligence, nature, kindness, interests, etc - can just suddenly cease to exist.

And I totally relate to how one of the biggest challenges of any kind of atheism is when someone we love dies, and we're faced with a contradiction between our beliefs and an intense burning desire to hope that we might meet that person again - some day, somewhere.

Personally I try and manage my perception of things and draw some strength from that. The person may be gone, but the impact of their life isn't. And in the case of a parent or close relative, I look at things they've taught me, supported me with, values they instilled in me, and the legacy they left. They made a difference. And such is the circle of things that I then hope I can do the same for those I love as they move through life.

seamus

Snotty wrote: »

Other siblings do have some belief and I actually don't think it made it any easier to grieve, unfortunately he was gone and even if you believed you might see him again some day in the distant future, you don't have him now and you won't have him for all the milestones to come, that is the hardest part and no amount of belief can change him not being there for those moments.

This is my experience too. I can genuinely say that I've never seen a "believer" bounce back from loss any better than a non-believer.
Even if we knew for certain, that would only make the loss marginally easier to deal with. You would still know that your loved one is gone, and you will not see nor hear from them again for decades. The hole of their absence would still be there.
We don't know anything for certain, any even the most faithful have doubt. So having faith, I don't believe makes a loss any easier. "He's looking down" or "He's watching over me", might provide brief moments of comfort, but that's about it.

So I don't think anyone should set themselves aside from believers, and think that they are experiencing a different kind of grief, or a different level of grief. Everyone is on the same boat. Grieve with them. Allow everyone to grieve however they feel fit. If they want to believe the deceased is in heaven, let them at it.

Deleted User wrote: »

I have faith but even with faith, I think it's important to realise (and this took me a long time to see) that you never "get over" losing a parent, you learn to adapt and cope with the new reality. It's ok to miss them, it's ok to observe your own feelings and say, "yes, i am feeling this because I miss someone I love very much", but also remember your father would much rather you remembered him for the love you have for him, not the loss you feel for him.

This. You never really go back to the way that things were. Death changes your world permanently. And part of the grieving process is learning to accept this permanent change, even embrace it. You adapt to the "new normal", but that doesn't require forgetting how it used to be.

A very important part of grieving also talking about the deceased. Remembering them, keeping their memory alive. Family dynamics can be tough in this regard, you may feel like you can't talk for fear of upsetting someone. Or you may feel like if you do talk you will be too vulnerable in front of people that you don't trust fully. If you are close with your family, then talk to them about your father. Don't be afraid to upset them; they are the people who remember your father the best, and who understand your pain the best.

2 years is a long time to hold onto this. I'm not saying you should be happy and bouncy and have "moved on", but you should be able to talk about your father in everyday conversation without feeling like you're on the edge, and that "weighed down" feeling that comes with loss, shouldn't be there most days. If you don't feel like there is someone in your life you can open up to, then I would strongly suggest bereavement counselling.

wiggle16

Agreed, I don't think having a faith makes it any easier to cope with loss.

I think the fact that religions have established rituals does make the "processes" around death itself easier to handle. I'm a devout atheist but if I die before my parents I want a Catholic funeral with all the trimmings, because I think that would be easier on my parents from a practical point of view - it's what they're familiar with. But I think people grieve the same regardless of whether they have a religion or not.

Purely from the point of view of your own mortality, no one can be certain that there's nothing after death either. I don't think there is anything after death, but you can look at it from the point of view that there is either oblivion, in which case you won't "know" you're dead because you no longer exist, or you die and it turns out you still exist in some way or another, which I think of as an interesting surprise.

Either way, the term "better place" still applies, because with oblivion at least there is no more suffering. There is some comfort to be had from that.