Mother always giving me money

LegacyUser

I know some might say this is a good problem to have, but I'm finding it very stressful.

So I'm in my 40's I'm the only child, and its just me and my mother in the family. I'm the apple of her eye, greatest son ever, can do no wrong and all that, which in itself I find stressful.

Anyway I drop in twice a week after work and soon after I moved out she started to give me money once a week to help with bills, 20 quid iirc. I didn't like it but since it was a small amount I let it slide.

Then it became 50, then 50 and 20 the other day, now, EVERY time I go there she is trying to give me money and like sometimes 120 odd quid. She is 80 now, has early alzheimers and just a pension. I now go to her 3 times week and there is always a big row about this and she gets very upset. I tell her I don't need it, I don't want it and she is making me feel like a child getting pocket money, but still she insists. So I try to negotiate the amount, I say OK give me 20 etc just to maintain the peace.


I feel terrible taking this off her, but if I don't there is literally tears and she begs me to take it.

Any thoughts? And I'd be really surprised is anyone else has this experience.

Thanks!

Enright

can you take it and lodge it into her account in the back, credit union?

qwerty13

I’d do what Enright said. And I’d start keeping a record of it, because I know from several friends that situations with money and Alzheimer’s can get very complicated.

A friend of mine has had the Gardai contact him several times over his mother making complaints that he’s ‘stealing her pension’. He actually wouldn’t take the cash, and he suspects that it is often given away by her in €20 / €50 to a number of different people.

blarb

I agree with the above posts. If denying taking anything is causing such distress to her, for the momeny I'd try to take as little as possible (as you have been doing) and put it away for her with a written record of dates and amounts. Just for your own sake.

But I would advise you to seek out a day care centre for people with Alzheimer's/dementia and ask them for advice. They could advise how best to deal with this I'm sure, as money becomes a common concern for people with Alzheimer's.

My grandmother suffered from dementia and the local centre was great at advising my mum how to support my grandmother throughout the illness. They were an invaluable source of support for both the patients and their families.

Edit: here is a list of day care centres nationwide - no harm to contact one near you to ask for some advice:
https://alzheimer.ie/service/day-care-services/

Xterminator

pop the few bob into prize bonds etc so that the money is not gone or spent.

it isn't worth upsetting your mother, but at the same time those funds may be used on/for your mother at a later date.

OP you know your mother is not getting any younger and she cannot take it with her either. If she has a legal guardian, i would make them aware of the situation, and seek consensus as to what to do with the money.

antix80

Take the €20 twice a week. She just wants to do something nice and it's not a huge amount.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your repllies so far. to be honest, I never thought of the possibility I could later be accused of stealing.

I would put it back into an account for her, but she would hit the roof if I did that. Thing is, as I'm the only son it will all be left to me anyway. Maybe I'll just put it in the CU, I'm in that but inactive for years so I could ringfence it there for the future. To be honest, there is a lot of things I do for here without her knowing, like recently I got a power of attorney for E700 I told her it was free as she would not pay and not want to do it.

I'll start keeping a record though.

@blarb - yes Ive been in with them and she has someone visiting her. She does not want to go to any day care though, just refuses.

@Xterminator - as mentioned above I will have power of attorney at some point in the future, so I guess I'm (or will be) the legal guardian

Jurgen Klopp

As someone that works in care sector.

You are most likely her offical NOK. Firstly just as unofficial advice either take it and start putting it into a new account.

But my main worry. If she gets a carer or the public health nurse visits they might think you are financially abusing her. She could say I give him money even but they will have to report it just in case and you'll get a load of hassle given she's Alzheimer's.

What I'd do is go into the Gardai as well as her local health centre and inform them you have been putting the cash into a new account you opened just to keep the money she gives you safe. Keep a diary with the date and amount and keep the lodgement receipt.

I know it sounds frightening but it's just to save yourself some hassle they have seen it plenty of times so by being upfront you'll be grand.

It is also important for another reason. If she gets a carer in house or goes into a home if I'm being honest you can some right dishonest fcukers who'll happily take any money she gives. Or they'll take it and say she said she gave it to her son.

So that's another angle to cover.

Redser87

I'd say it makes her feel great to be able to mind you, and this may be her only way to do it on the spot. A nominated CU account is an excellent idea- they do a current account now, you could get a current account without a debit card so that it's just for quick lodgements.

qwerty13

I feel for you so much. Sadly, she’s upsetting you, whilst perhaps being of comfort to herself. I only said before about being careful about the effect on you - but your mother does need care too. Several excellent posts here on this.

I don’t mean to sound selfish on your behalf, but I think it’s likely that you’re going to have to recognise that you can’t care for her full time, so that is in your future. I know will present it’s own difficulties - but unless you hold lotto winnings in finance, and qualifications in elder care, you can’t do this alone. I think it’s best if you acknowledge that.

I do t know what the best way forward is - probably researching care options, and following up on some on posts far more knowledgeable than mine. I’m afraid it isn’t just about her being ‘odd’ about money anymore - there’s going to be a lot more to it than that.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the help.

@Jurgen Klopp - yes I will keep records and put it away for her future use. She already has someone visiting her each week. She is grand 95% of the time able to do shopping go to town, cook etc and I let her do it, I feel it's good for her. But I keep an eye on things. In any case, as mentioned in the OP this money thing started well before she got ill. ANd yes i'm NOK

@qwerty13 - yes agree and no, I don't have lotto winnings hidden away! I did go to the alzheimer's society and they gave me lots of useful info so starting to get these things in order.

qwerty13

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound facetious about lotto winnings. Just that any kind of care is so very expensive, and putting her money back into an account for her will (I hope) be of help with that when her needs become greater.

Wishing you the best.

seamus

Even if it's not paying for her care, you can stick the money in an account and then use it to buy things for her, take her away on weekend breaks, get her roof fixed, etc.

At least then when you take the money you won't feel bad because you'll know it's going into a savings account for her.

My parents don't necessarily do this, but my Dad can be a demon for randomly handing me a cheque on the pretext of "you help me a lot with X", and it's impossible to go out for a meal without him insisting on paying for it.

From his point of view, he doesn't have decades ahead of him, but his kids do. So he'd rather see his money spent giving us a boost now, instead of languishing in a savings account until he's gone. I expect this is how your mother has always seen that money too - "I don't need this money, so if it helps my son out even a little then he should have it".

LegacyUser

@qwerty13 - I did not think you were being facetious at all, the 'lotto win' has kinda become a metaphor nowadays


@seamus - yes I think you're right and I do take care of a few things like that

pwurple

ok, not to address the elephant in the room, but as you're possibly her sole heir... Your mum may be trying to give you some inheritance, without the taxman knowing (hence cash) ... in dribs and drabs.

I've seen loads of older people with this mindset and plan.

Purple Mountain

Just to add.. You sound like a great son.
She's lucky she has you.

august12

mothermoney wrote: »

Thanks for all your repllies so far. to be honest, I never thought of the possibility I could later be accused of stealing.

I would put it back into an account for her, but she would hit the roof if I did that. Thing is, as I'm the only son it will all be left to me anyway. Maybe I'll just put it in the CU, I'm in that but inactive for years so I could ringfence it there for the future. To be honest, there is a lot of things I do for here without her knowing, like recently I got a power of attorney for E700 I told her it was free as she would not pay and not want to do it.

I'll start keeping a record though.

@blarb - yes Ive been in with them and she has someone visiting her. She does not want to go to any day care though, just refuses.

@Xterminator - as mentioned above I will have power of attorney at some point in the future, so I guess I'm (or will be) the legal guardian

I was just about to say the same thing, its going to be yours anyway, I personally don't see your problem, you have a mother who is sharing her money with her only child, I am much younger than your mum and am doing the same, I would much rather give a helping hand to my children while they are young rather than waiting till I'm 90 and leaving it in a will for some solicitor to take a nice cut of it. Please don't upset your mother by refusing it, and don't lodge it back to her account, if she is getting a non contributory pension, and accumulates a large amount of money, this could cause problems at probate and also if she needs nursing home care. Her means will be assessed and the more she has, the more will be taken from her, so isn't it better her only child benefits from it now.

farmchoice

there is a thread in after hours at the moment about wise sayings.
one was ''i'd rather give with a warm hand than with a cold hand'' .

another favorite saying of mine is ''the money we get from our parents we pay back to our children''.
i think both of these apply to your case. put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you do the same?

LegacyUser

@Purple Mountain - is that you ma? Thanks

Thanks everyone else, yes it will be mine anyway, I just feel bad taking it. I'll save it and keep records.

JustAThought

I had this ‘problem’ with an elderly and lovey relative - who I didnt realise was as well off as they were. They ended up with alzheimers and we put carers in place during the day to make sure she was ok. whatever happened a LOT of money dissappeared - cheques were written to random people for 800 and 2000 euro - almost all of her jewlery was ‘lost and after she hd fallen and hd to go to hospital I found her negotiating with a nurse to give them her house when she died if they would come home and live with her - if was shocking how exploitative and dishonest people were. In the end we hd to make her a ward of court which was a LOT of paperwork with doctors, 3 consultants, laywers and a social worker involved.

OP - seriously - this week and before she gets so that she does not have a good day or good week anymore, have that difficult conversation with her about her giving you power of attorney should anything happen while she is alive. You might have the cooperation of her doctor and a laywer now, but time can trickle by and things can change quickly and then ethically they will not be able to do that for you. Believe me, having some doctor or consultant refuse to discuss your mums medical needs with you ‘ because of ptient confidentiality’ is a nightmare and too many doctors or nurses are now unwilling to risk theor license or are happy to prick around with you - ditto the banks/building societies. If you have power of attorney should she become medically unwell to make decisions you as the only child will really be equiped to deal with the future and her needs. Dont leave it too late like we did
best of luck - you sound like a great son.

Salary Negotiator

pwurple wrote: »

ok, not to address the elephant in the room, but as you're possibly her sole heir... Your mum may be trying to give you some inheritance, without the taxman knowing (hence cash) ... in dribs and drabs.

I've seen loads of older people with this mindset and plan.

That was my first thought too.

She might be aware she’ll have to go into a home soon and that might eat up her savings so she’s trying to give it to the OP now.

And +1 on getting POA in place before it’s too late, my mother was in your shoes OP when my grandfather was suffering from Alzheimer’s and having POA in place made making the best decisions for him easier.

JustAThought

yes - only having insight into their atm /pin number or getting a pin number and card for their account can be really a useful tool -before the assesment for un’fair deal’. its shocking - you work and pay taxes and vhi and buy your house allyour life - and when you get sick with a brain illness your vhi is worthless and they take your lifes savings and house.unbelievable.

we should all be banging that drum when the politicians come crawling.

& power of attorney.