Mother being difficult. Or am I wrong here?

LegacyUser

I usually have a great relationship with my parents. They are in their 70's but very independent and we get on well. They have both have had their fair share of illness in the past 3-4 years but both are healthy and well. I'm in my late thirties.

I live a good distance from them with my partner but call my mum every day after work to see how she is. I do everything within my power to help them with life admin and all the other stuff and I take my mum (and sometimes my dad) out every single weekend.

I have one sibling who lives abroad and makes little effort or interest to be in touch with them. So, they regularly tell me how grateful they are to me....and as such we all get on great!

Yesterday we went out to lunch for my mums birthday. She booked the restaurant in town as we both live on opposite sides of the city and in advance they told us (me and my partner) that under no circumstance were we to pay and that they would be insulted.

Instead we got her a really generous gift which she loved.

Normally we'd get a taxi into town but as my BF had a work meeting early this morning he drove.

We all had a lovely time, we went for a drink afterwards, it was just lovely.

This morning I phoned my mum to thank them for the lovely meal. She very quickly told me that herself and my dad were really upset that we didn't offer them a lift home.

I explained that it didn't even occur to us to offer because they had said they might get a taxi and also that their bus stop was nearer to the restaurant than our car, also, they live a 20 minute bus journey from town we are about 40 mins in the opposite direction.

She went on to imply that we were quite heartless to leave two people in their 70's to make their own way home in the freezing cold.

I mean, it genuinely didn't occur to me as it was town, still bright and not raining. They go in to town themselves almost every week just to get lunch and wander around and get home happily on the bus, they are incredibly independent. If we were anywhere else I probably would have suggested to give them a lift but we were going in total different directions....this was the whole reason why we met in town!!!

I'm completely at a loss, I told her I was really hurt that she was suggesting we were selfish and I was disappointed that she would say that as we'd had a lovely afternoon and I was just phoning to say thanks. It just feels like all the good has been taken from it.

Was this selfish of us? Like, in a million years it didn't occur to either of us.....I did say that if they wanted a lift they should have asked us? She's adamant that we are selfish and they are hurt and now that is her takeaway from a lovely day.

I was worried it was because we didn't offer to pay and I said that the only reason we didn't offer to pay was because they told us prior to yesterday that we shouldn't.....

I ended up getting quite upset and the phone call didn't end on good terms, I just said she needed to try and see it from my perspective and she said I need to go and think about two Old age pensioners standing on the side of the road in the freezing cold. It just seems very unfair given the amount of time I spend trying to help them and make up for the absence of my sister in their lives.

lunamoon

Oh this is a tough one. It's my nature to always offer someone a lift home if I'm driving and if they had just paid for a meal for me I'd probably give them a lift even if it was in the wrong direction. Would you normally give them a lift home? Did they have far to go on the bus?

SteelyDanJalapeno

It could also be because they had a bad experience that is bringing this out, perhaps their bus never arrived or the taxi didn't show up etc, this I'd assume would be pretty stressful to an OAP, tough one alright.

Springfields

To be honest I would have offered the pair of them a lift home even if out of the way... I wouldnt fancy getting a bus after dark and I'm no where near 70. Maybe they felt a bit vulnerable? To to call ye selfish is a bit harsh too...ye are hardly that after all you do for them...maybe she just lashed out in the spur of the moment. So both a little in the wrong here I think...

Xterminator

Hi Op

I understand that you didn't mean to cause offense here. But you must now see that you could have offered? If i had 2 people in their 70's getting a bus home in january and it was cold out, i would not take no for an answer! thats me personally.

Life is too short to hold grudges. Drop over, tell them you are sorry and it was an oversight on your part. I am already sure it will never happen again, its probably a lesson that only needs to be learned once. and im sure you are a little mortified that your parents are unhappy, as your intentions were only good.

I have to say, i don't know why you are bringing your sister into this. i see you mention her twice in your post, and i think its probably something that you might have a hang up about. Your sister and her relationship with your parents has no bearing on your own relationship with mum and dad. If you feel the caring burden is unfair on you,only do what you are comfortable with, but don't begrudge any help you do offer.

LegacyUser

OP HERE!

Sorry just to clarify it wasn't dark, it was 4pm, dry and I didn't notice it was freezing but obviously it was! My mum had suggested booking somewhere in town as it would be the easiest for everyone.

They go in to town themselves in all weather about twice a week to just have lunch and a wander about.

They said they would probably get a taxi (but after this couldn't get one and had to wait 10 minutes for a bus in the cold) - we couldn't have known this would happen.

The thing is, we'd have had zero issue with giving them a lift but we've met up in town so many times and we've always gone home separatley - However, this was the first time one of us was driving......so, this I think is where the notion didn't enter our minds.

I mention my sister because I'm hyper aware that she has no interest in them and do things all of the time to try to compensate for this and make them feel loved, supported and cared for. I do more than any of my friends do for their parents and the general feeling that they felt hurt by soemthing that I didn't do, that simply didn't occur to me to do has hurt me a lot

ManOfMystery

Personally I would have offered them a lift. It doesn't matter if it's the opposite direction, or they are used to getting the bus, or any one of the other hundred reasons that could be brought up for not offering it - at the end of the day, they are in their 70s, they're your parents, it's winter (mild or not, older people feel the cold), and you had a vehicle and a driver.

My folks are late 60s and also hugely independent (Dad still runs his own business) but I couldn't fathom leaving them to get a bus or taxi for any reason if I had a car and they were only 20 mins out.

pwurple

Listen, someone can be offended, without you being offensive. Remember that. You're hurt here is because you are thinking, Am I a bad person, is she saying I'm a bad person, does this make me an awful daughter... etc etc etc. This is why we see your pained username, and the essay justifying why you are a very good person indeed. (And much better than your sister!)

I can see why, especially with the guilt trip tacked on about old people in the cold. A nice dig from her, for what was caused by her not bothering to mention the transport in the first place.


So, She is annoyed because you didn't offer it. You didn't think of it. She didn't say a word but martyred herself on the cross of public transport. A straightforward misunderstanding.


Simple resolution is this very magnanimous chat, "Hi mum, I've thought about it a bit. I'm SO sorry about that, I didn't realise you needed a lift. I would have offered, but thought you had a taxi arranged. Next time, just TELL ME and OF COURSE we will give you a lift. "

And then you all move on with your lives.

tara73

This sounds very weird and from your description of the OP completely out of place of the usual behaviour from your parents.They even said they get a taxi/bus stop was very close.

why should you have insisted driving them home if it takes 40 minutes one way? that would add more than 1 hour for yourself and your BF in the car and they probably knew he had an (important it sounds?) work meeting early the next day and would have liked to wind down a bit that evening at home.

I don't want to scaremonger or anything but as you ask here for help and insight from neutral people, could it be there is more to it, i.e. your mother developing some 'condition' ? The age is there and I know my granny was always getting on so well with her daughter but then some accusations started, in the end she (granny) accused her of stealing stuff from her home which for sure my aunt wasn't doing. It was heartbreaking for my aunt.

Not saying it is like this, but if its so unusual for her, watch out in this direction, it will save you from much emotional heartbreak the earlier you find out it's not you but some nasty thing happening to your mother out of her control either.

lozenges

Personally I think it's very unfair to expect someone to do something and especially to get annoyed after if the expectation was never verbalised.

Your parents sound active and independent from what you say. If they expected a lift from you they should have asked you! Sure, it might have been nice of you to offer - but it shouldn't be expected, especially if they're usually able to travel themselves without difficulty.

And the comment about leaving old people in the cold is pure emotional blackmail to me. One of my own parents is as healthy as a horse but always complaining about how 'old' she is in the expectation that others will do things for her (that she's well able to do herself).

Basically - if you want something -ask. If you don't then you've no right to get grumpy after the event!

B0jangles

Sounds very passive-aggressive and petty to me. If you had a long history of being selfish it might be a little thing triggering off an outburst after years of resentment.

But something this trivial, and after years of supportiveness? Nah, your parents are being unfair and unkind.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I think her reaction is unfair. Ye normally get a taxi in and they'd be relying on public transport, right? Which they're well able for, but suddenly because the car was there they're two helpless OAPs stranded in the dark? Nah.

I'd also be inclined to think that there was some unpleasant experience on the way home and she's lashing out, particularly as this seems really out of character.

However, people get odd when they get old, and I don't think this is worth falling out over. Apologise, don't grovel, move past it.

And yeah, no need to bring your sister into this so much. You're also very likely on a hiding to nothing if you're expecting the disparity in your involvement in your parents' lives to lead to any particular gratitude or esteem for you.

Finchie1276

Hi

I am probably going to differ a little bnit from other posters in that I dont think the argument is the iussue - its the symptom.
The first issue is that you are super way over involved in their lives. But you have recognised it to some extent in that you say that you try to compensate for your sisters inactivity.

Firstly though it is odd to call your mother every day after work - it builds up expectation and dependency. Secondly there is no need to bring them out every single weekend. You sound like you are desperately seeking approval, trying not to be 'your sister' and trying to make sure they fully approve of your efforts.
I think if you looked at finding out about family dynamics and roles you would see that your relationship is unhealthy.

I'm saying all of this because it is a particularly Irish trait to want to over manage our parents and then when things dont work out the way they want or there is a blip then you have the kind of interaction you describe.

The scenario is: You decide you are going to make 110% effort all the time, you sacrifice your weekends and a lot of energy into creating a dependency which assauges your feelings of guilt about your relationship. Then you walk a tightrope of expectation and when things dont go the right way it creates issues.


You are an adult with your own life. Your parents are also adults. Its great that you like them. However, your mothers behaviour was very passive agressive and you facilitated it with a phone call seeking approval (in the guise of thanks).

Your parents had a nice afternoon - they may have wanted a lift but did not ask, or they may have realised afterwards that they should have said. Either are fine, as an adult we would remember that for next time and no more would be said, Your mother could not do that and chose to get passive agressive. I would have said 'Yes, unfortunate that it was cold, next time we really must check if you need a lift' and leave it at that.

I would be very wary going forward with this kind of relationship - what happens if your partbner resents playing second fiddle, your parents get ill, they need care, you have kids - all of these will add fuel to the fire.

Reaad the below and see what you think.

I live a good distance from them with my partner but call my mum every day after work to see how she is.
I do everything within my power to help them with life admin and all the other stuff and I take my mum (and sometimes my dad) out every single weekend.
It just seems very unfair given the amount of time I spend trying to help them and make up for the absence of my sister in their lives.

I'm beeing honest here - you need to radically change your relationship or you will constantly get triggered by their behaviour.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies....

She randomly sent me a message being overly apologetic and apologised for the language she used, of course now I feel bad but I've suggested it was a miscommunication and we've agreed to move on from it.

100% agree that I shouldn't have to phone her every day however if I don't she automatically assumes I am dead, the building I work in has been torched, I've been murdered etc.

She also repeatedly talks about how it's so nice that I do it....so I can't really stop but she's quite prying so, having a private life is tough at times since I struggle to lie and suffer guilt witholding info, however, it's the only way I've managed to sustain this.

My mum's prone to dramatics...everytime someone she knows, or even hardly knows dies or gets sick they get promoted to her best friend and she will cry and tell you how she can't sleep with worry. She just loves to be a martyr, I can't change that, it's who she is. When I was having a surgery a while back, it was quite a personal thing......I managed to take leave from work and everything and only tell my partner and best friend. Then all of a sudden I was getting mass cards from all of my aunts and uncles which was a bit frustrating.

It's sad for her really because what I have learnt throughout this is that she can't be trusted with my private life and I have had to pull back on sharing things I would otherwise like to with my mum.

Wow, that escalated!

But yes, it's unhealthy and if I could figure out how to fix it I would.

The point is though, that I am very unhappy and hurt that she would be a martyr over something that I had/hadn't done when she knows 100% I would move the earth for her. I think my feeling was that even if she genuinely felt as though we should have given her a lift home she should know me well enough to be able to rationalise our motives without the passive-aggressive attack!

Thanks for all the respnoses! Finchie - Incredibly insightful!

B0jangles

Also, I've noticed that it's very common in families for people to be judged not against each other, but against their own usual standard of behaviour - you seem to be being judged really harshly because you are normally so very attentive and supportive, this incident is a 'failure' only when judged by the standard you have unintentionally set for yourself.

Like, have you ever been irritated when praise is absolutely showered on a sibling for doing the bare minimum simply because they normally never lift a finger, and you look back over your own actions and how often they are taken for granted?

I'm not suggesting you abandon your parents, but I think you said they are pretty fit and independent? They probably don't need the level of care and attention you are providing - frankly, I think they've become a little spoiled, and maybe a little entitled.

Hannibal_Smith

Hi OP

Its a misunderstanding. You didnt deliberately not offer a lift, it just didnt occur to you. But i can see why your parents would be annoyed that you didn't offer a lift.

It shouldnt white wash over everything you do for them though and I dont think you should take it as a slight against everything else. But if they're that annoyed about it maybe mentioning everything else could be taken as throwing all the good in their face.


Its easy to say, because I'm on the outside, but could you soften things by saying you should have offered a lift, but it just didnt occur to you? Rather than taking it as them jumping on this one thing, given the big picture, treat it as an isolated incident.

antix80

I know your mother is fairly milking it by saying you left to elderly people on the side of the road, and it wasn't convenient to give them a lift.. but honestly, after a nice meal and a few drinks the last thing anyone wants is to root around with public transport. You should have insisted on the lift, in fact your husband should have brought the car round to them.

Sorry, if it's not what you want to hear.

I think your mother will probably become more reliant on you over the years and feel more hard-done by. It happens to a lot of older people. So it's important to set boundaries and not get sucked into squabbles. But don't make a martyr of yourself by listing off all the things you are forced to do because your sister doesn't help ... it's simply not true. You do these things because your mother and your lives are tangled a bit. You're probably more like her than you care to admit.

I think you should pop around and apologise for not offering a lift, to patch things over. And in future just be a little more careful - better communication and better setting of boundaries.

Finchie1276

Thank you for the opportunity terribledaughter2020 to post a comment on your post. I hope it helps. I read your second note and have a little to add, from personal experience, so it might help you.

As I said before it is a tightrope both you and your mother walk and neither of you want to fall off because you think the ground is a long way away - hundreds of feet, death, destruction and carnage await!! However, its not, its just a step off, a foot down to reality. The tightrope is an illusion. Step off and dont play the game. She will encourage you to get on again and again because its the only game she knows and the validation of her role is all she seeks.

Its important to see your mum as she is. Someone who has learned through circumstance and culture to behave as she does. She is not a bad person nor does she do it deliberately its all she knows, automatic.

She pries in your life, overmanages your relationship with her, plays you off your sister and knows that your guilt will always be the push to get you back to her. Dramatics, over sharing your personal info are all fair game and useful tactics for her.
See your mum as flawed around boundaries and healthy relationships. Dont ascribe fault just observe her patterns. Dont get angry just get involved in making sure that you have a life outside of her. Her martyrdom as you suggest is just a tactic - see how it made you feel? Logic does not come into this for her.

I thnk you can change, I think you are a patient, kind person and I think you will bloom into a new version of you when you step off the tightrope. You need tactics of your own: You are busy on a course on Saturday mornings, you are away for the weekend, you have a class after work, you've started running. All these things can build boundaries that allow you to be you.
Of course she will escalate but you must stay firm - she needs to learn to self regulate and you are not responsible for her feelings.

In time this habit will be a distant memory, you will have a happier, guilt free life and lots of nice time to yourself whilst also valuing the relationship you have with your mum.

Best of luck, you will be great!

Neyite

It could have also been a bit of transference - maybe she was hurt if your sibling abroad didn't acknowledge her birthday and transferred that emotion onto the nearest available daughter?


Not nice, and not fair but she did have a re-think and text you so that's something anyway.

rainbowtrout

terribledaughter2020 wrote: »

100% agree that I shouldn't have to phone her every day however if I don't she automatically assumes I am dead, the building I work in has been torched, I've been murdered etc.

She also repeatedly talks about how it's so nice that I do it....so I can't really stop but she's quite prying so, having a private life is tough at times since I struggle to lie and suffer guilt witholding info, however, it's the only way I've managed to sustain this.

You can't control her, but you can control your reactions to her. She creates drama if you don't call everyday, so for a quiet life you call every day and she gets exactly what she wants by creating drama. Stop calling every day.

Cut it back slowly, start by calling maybe 5 days a week instead of 7, and gradually cut it down. If she tries to pull a stunt over it, you need to remain calm and tell her that if anything happened then clearly you or your boyfriend would ring her. I honestly couldn't cope with that level of control and interference in my life.

qwerty13

I didn’t see your 2nd list until much later - it explains a lot.

So she succeeded in making you feel bad and guilty, and getting you to apologise. And only then reels you back in with a semi (or pretend) apology. That’s incredibly controlling behaviour.

Others have suggested things you can say when you don’t phone her every day - and believe me, you have to stop this. You’re creating a monster.

If you have any life changes, none of them will matter if you don’t phone her every day. You need to ween her off this, urgently. It will only get worse and worse if say you were to move jobs. Or have kids. Or move house. Or your parents get a little more frail. Unless you plan to give up work (and your life) to care for them, you need to establish boundaries. And soon.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but your mother is in full on attention seeking / martyr mode - and when you think you’re doing things for a quiet life, you’re actually pandering to her bad behaviour and enabling her, and setting yourself up for a life of hardship.

I think you should ask your partner for his brutally honest opinion. I’d say you might get a shock.

JustAThought

Birthdays are also extremely emotive days! Or can be - particularly when things go wrong! Maybe your mim had a case of the birthday freaks and that was the small thing she could pick up on. Little slights can get blown all out of proportion on birthdays. Let it go nos - she’s apologied !! Shes human and yesterday was BITTERLY cold and the wind would have cut through you - twas no place for the old!!